Monthly Archives: January 2013

Wives: What Is Your Husband Thinking During Sex?

illustration of head with gears

Photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Gerad Harris of Mission:Husband is here to give us the hubby’s point of view today. Have you ever wondered what your husband is thinking during sex? I sure have.

Take it way, Gerad!

Men are pretty simple beings for the most part — or compared to our female counterparts anyway. That’s why I find it rather amusing that I get so many emails from wives, trying to figure out what my husband is thinking” about a myriad of topics, but mostly when it comes to sex. Now here’s the deal — I am by no means any kind of expert or sex therapist. I’m just a normal husband with 3 kids and an amazing wife that makes me look better than I am at a lot of things. But what I am a specialist at, is being male. Got that down to a tee (my wife would say too well sometimes . . . lol). So understand that the following points may not be completely true for every husband out there; more than likely, 90% of them will still apply. So, are you ready to take a peek into the deep, dark, mysterious male mind when it comes to what he’s thinking during sex? Well, buckle up, because here we go. What a guy is thinking during sex:

What did she just call my penis? Please don’t name your husband’s member “winkie” or “little guy” or any other name you may have wanted to use for your wiener dog when you were growing up. You might as well walk into the master bathroom, run a bucket of ice-cold water, and proceed to throw it over your husband in bed. What we DO want you to do is tell us how much you want it in you, or how amazing it feels inside you, or how big it is (even if your husband isn’t in the “large” category per se). Also, unless you have told your husband, or shown it by you actions, we have a tendency to think that you feel our penis is a little “gross,” or you don’t like what comes out of it (especially if you’re not really into oral sex). Since our penis is a huge (no pun intended) part of how adequate we feel in the relationship we have with our wife, we take it pretty hard if you seem to avoid or not really care to play with it, touch it, etc. Bottom line, we want you to think our penis is AMAZING. Oh, and one more thing. NEVER make comments (even in joking) implying your husband’s member is smaller than you would like. For example, in the heat of the moment, don’t say anything like “you’re almost hitting that spot, if we could just get it a little longer (or wider or thicker or whatever). I know you didn’t mean it in a bad way, but he will remember it for a LONG time and will forever wonder if he really satisfies you. Instead, ALWAYS make it a POINT to compliment him on how big it is, how good it feels, how much you ache for it, etc.

I wish she wouldn’t just lay there. We understand you aren’t the aggressor sexually most of the time, and that’s fine with us. But what we DO like is for you to be an active, vocal part of sex. Don’t let us do all the “work.” Instead of always allowing your husband to take the lead from foreplay to how you both finish, surprise him with flipping back over on top of him every few times you make love, and tease him with your hands or orally. We love it when our wives are a little playful with us in bed — when you take the reins a little and show us that you don’t just “put up” with having sex with us, but you LOVE it, and we drive you wild too! I understand taking the lead in bed doesn’t come naturally to most wives, but don’t be so scared you’re not going to do it right, that it prevents you from even trying. And to tell you the truth, we couldn’t care less if your “technique” is horrible! What matters to us, is that your showing us you desire/want/need us sexually. That is what matters to us. We can work on technique later.

Is she enjoying it or not? We guys don’t really get subtle. If we’re doing something down there that is putting you through the roof, let us know! Even if you can’t quite form words at the time, audibly say/moan SOMETHING! Bottom line is, let us know you’re enjoying the heck out of this thing! Moan, groan, yell, whatever floats your boat, but just make sure you’re audibly letting your husband know he’s blowing your mind right now. We realize you might be worried about waking the kids up, but if you need to, grab a pillow and yell into that instead. It’s a big turn-on to us guys, when our wives are vocal in bed. Not only that, it makes us feel like we completely rocked your world. 🙂

I wish I knew what she was thinking. What you husband wants to know more than anything, is what turns you on sexually. We want you to tell us what you fantasize about doing with/to us or want done to you. We want to know what you want to do on this particular night. Most times we only stick to the same things we do every time (start with kissing, then breasts, then . . .) because we have no idea what you’re looking for tonight. Please, please, please — speak up! We LOVE it when you tell us what you want us to do to you — not only because it’s a sure bet on pleasing you for us, but because it makes it not seem like we’re the only ones that think sexually. Want to try some new position, or have us start on a certain place tonight, or with a new toy, or whatever, JUST SAY SO!

Does she want me to keep going, or is she bored? I mentioned this a little already, but here’s the deal. When your husband is trying to stimulate you to orgasm, make sure you let him know if what he’s doing will eventually put you over the edge or if he’s just wasting his time. Since generally the wife takes longer then the man to climax, he may think that because it hasn’t happened after 5 minutes, he’s not doing it right, or hitting the right spot, or moving his fingers just right, or whatever. Especially if you’re not very naturally vocal during sex. In his mind, he’s thinking, “Well, this isn’t doing it, so I’d better try something else,” when in reality if he would have just kept going for another 5 minutes, he would have put you over the edge. Most of us husbands would score an “A” in the “eager and willing” category, but we give up easily if we feel like it’s not working. In short, TELL HIM if he should keep going if it’s feeling good, or if he should move up/down/over/etc. if it’s not. He’s not going to be mad or upset, he’s going to love that you helped him figure out what going to rock your world, and in turn, make him feel like he’s “the man.” 😉

One last thing  And this only applies to the couples where the husband has the higher sex drive. If this doesn’t apply to your relationship, skip to the next paragraph. Wives — if you desire sex, don’t hint at it, go right for it (and by “it” I mean your husband’s penis)! Because most guys are already trying to guess whether or not you’re in the mood most of the time, when you ARE in the mood, just come out and say it. Remember what I said about us not really getting subtle? Yeah, odds are your little hints or kisses or flirting or whatever you’re thinking is so obvious to him that you need him, is most likely just confusing him. He’s thinking, “Ok, so she’s acting really odd, but I don’t know is she’s just being “lovey-dovey,” or if she wants sex. Should I try something? No, what if she isn’t, and then she’ll be mad? But why did she just rub my leg?” On and on your husband’s mind will go. But if you reach over and discreetly give him a little squeeze where it counts, there’s not much to interpret there. There’s nothing wrong with telling your husband you need sex tonight. It doesn’t make you any less of a “lady,” it’s not “crass,” it’s totally normal. Don’t be scared to ask; odds are, it will thrill him that you are telling him YOU need HIM. 🙂

Well, there you go. A trip into the male mind. Kind of a strange place, huh? Yeah, sorry about that. We still think it’s a LOT simpler than yours is. 😉 Like I said at the beginning, some of these things might not apply to your husband, but it should at least give you a place to start, and then you can ask questions from there. To your husband, just you being interested in learning about how he thinks in bed is pretty great.

Mission Husband logo

Gerad Harris blogs at Mission:Husband, a place where “Christian husbands can come and hopefully find something in what I write to help them avoid some of the same pitfalls I have run directly over.” He challenges his readers to be “the best husbands we can be to our wives.” What a marvelous mission indeed!

Also check out his wife’s companion site, Mission: Wife.

11 Reasons I Love My Sexy Husband

Today’s post is inspired by the Happy Wives Club, a site dedicated to “those like us who enjoy being a wife, absolutely adore their husband and are still head-over-heels in love.” Happy Wives Club is hosting a link-up today, encouraging women to blog about reasons they love their husbands.

Since I write about married sexuality, I wondered how I should approach this. I could say, “Well, there’s this thing my hubby does with his hands that . . .” Yeah, not so much. Not sharing that one. (Even if, at that very moment, I love, adore, and revel in my husband. I mean, wow.)

J's and her husband's feet

Yes, that’s really us.

I racked my brain a bit longer, but here are 11 Reasons I Love My Sexy Husband:

  1. He’s never cheated, and I trust that he won’t. Admittedly, the guy gets lots of sex from me — which provides some temptation protection. However, he has an incredibly ethical core and long before me committed to being monogamous.
  2. He’s always been satisfied with my breasts (Proverbs 5:19). I’ve mentioned on this blog that I had augmentation a few years back, and he has approached my breasts with delight before and after.
  3. He thinks porn is stupid. That’s the upshot of it. His basic take is “Why look at something you can’t touch?” And he can touch me.
  4. He is adventurous in the bedroom, without being kinky. I agonized over how to say that. My husband is open to trying new things, but he has never suggested or pressured me to participate in any fringe sexual activities. For me, that strikes a good balance of feeling both free and secure.
  5. He seeks my pleasure. My husband is genuinely interested in making sure that I experience deep pleasure and orgasms. He is turned on by turning me on . . . which turns me on . . . which turns him on . . . You get the point.
  6. He never reminds me of my tainted sexual past. His attitude is that was then, this is now. He doesn’t get jealous over past lovers or make me feel like damaged goods in any way because of my premarital history. Like God, he wiped the slate clean.
  7. He is committed to teaching our kids about godly sex. He has sat with me in conversation with our kids explaining the birds and bees . . . and how humans do it. He’s much better than I at the anatomy questions too.
  8. When I asked him to get rid of the “whitey-tighties,” he did. Yes, wives have opinions about their spouses’ undies too. I couldn’t get him to wear the Superman Underoos (which he would totally rock), but he did let me have some say in his undergarments.
  9. He jokes with me. As you might surmise by the blog’s title, being able to laugh is important to me. My hubby and I flirt with word play and crack each other up all the time — even in bed. Knowing that we can laugh off whatever awkwardness might happen frees me up to be physically and emotionally naked with him.
  10. He flirts with me in front of our children. He’s maybe gone a little far now and then, to the point that even this marriage and sex blogger blushes and looks away. But our kids know that their parents love one another and express intimacy in a committed marriage. They see it in how we touch, kiss, and flirt.
  11. He supports my blog. He encourages me to continue writing here and offers his feedback on posts from time to time. He has given me carte blanche to share from our intimate life anything that might help other couples (knowing, of course, that I have boundaries for how detailed I get).

Now that I read all of that, my husband’s is looking really good. I might have to ask him to do that things with his hands . . .

However, if you’ve read my story, you know that I wasn’t always a happy wife. At different points in my marriage, I’ve been a:

  • This-isn’t-what-I-signed-up-for wife
  • My-hubby’s-a-selfish-jerk wife
  • Crying-all-the-time wife
  • We-ain’t-gonna-make-it wife

We made it. We hung in there. We worked things out. Having God in our corner and good sexual intimacy helped us pull through. Our marriage continues to grow.

So even if you’re not a happy wife right now, I’d encourage you to look for the good in your husband, pray for wisdom and patience, and seek out happy wives who demonstrate that marriage can be a genuine blessing.

The 11 items above are my husband’s strengths. Your husband’s strengths are likely different. Perhaps your husband doesn’t think porn is stupid and has struggled with that temptation. Or maybe he doesn’t help you address questions about sex with the kids. Yet your husband may be very romantic (mine isn’t) or loves buying you pretty lingerie (mine doesn’t). My hubby looks wonderful to me, but please don’t read this list and decry that your husband has an issue where mine doesn’t. Consider your own marriage and how your husband blesses you. Make your own list.

In the comments, share something you love about your sexy husband. What about your husband gets your motor running?

Thanks, Fawn of Happy Wives Club, for a great topic!

Sexual Appetite

A big welcome to the Kentucky Colonel from A Grown Up Marriage. His blog is both thoughtful and challenging as he addresses how to grow up in marriage, rather than grow apart. As he says, “Marriage will expose your immaturity and selfishness faster than anything on earth . . .”

A Grown Up Marriage Logo

Today the Kentucky Colonel is addressing sexual appetite. Take it away, KC!

Appetites vary. A football player needs more calories than the average person to maintain their size and strength. Some men are meat and potatoes guys and others are more eclectic in their tastes. The same can be said of husband’s sexual appetites; they are varied. Some husbands want sex more often than their wife, some less often. Some want sex more varied than their wife, some less varied. The question for the wives is where does MY husband fall in that spectrum and what can I do to improve our sexual intimacy so that it is something that blesses me, my husband, and my marriage?

This probably isn’t going to be what you expected. I’m not going to tell you that ALL husbands are the same. We ALL want more sex than our wife is giving us and we want it in more varied ways than our wife is willing to give us because THAT ISN’T TRUE. It’s a lie. There are marriages where the wife wants more sex and more varied sex than her husband. It’s a fact.

So, what I’m going to tell you is that you are married to a flawed man and your husband is married to a flawed woman. Every marriage consists of two sinners. No more. No less. Every person in every marriage is in need of grace from the person to whom they are married. You need grace from your husband and he needs grace from you. You each have wants, needs, desires and expectations and to borrow from Dr. Eggerichs who wrote Love and Respect, you are likely withholding what your spouse needs, wants, or desires in the expectation that you’re withholding will open their eyes to your own unmet wants, needs and desires. STOP! It isn’t going to work. Likely they’re already doing the same thing that you are. They’re withholding what you want, need, desire in the expectation that you’ll wake up and give them what they want, need and desire. It isn’t working for either of you. It’s time to try something more mature.

Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about one of my favorite topics, marital sex. Most of the women reading this are frustrated for one of two reasons; you aren’t satisfied with your sex life or your husband isn’t satisfied with your sex life. Sure, a few of you may not be in either camp but you’re the exception, not the rule. Some of you want to know how to decrease your husband’s sexual appetite and the others want to know how to increase it. That puts me in a tough spot, don’t you think?

Here’s what I am willing to do: I’m willing to give you some ideas that might actually work to bring a more satisfying sexual experience to your marriage. Here’s the catch, though; you’re going to have to be willing to change because you cannot change your spouse. You control you. You do NOT control your spouse. If you’re trying to control your spouse, STOP! If you’re trying to manipulate your spouse, STOP! The changes have to begin within you or the changes are not going to build intimacy between you and your husband but the attempts to control and manipulate him are likely going to destroy the intimacy.

What is the right amount of sex for a marriage? I think there is only one right answer to this and that answer is: Enough so that both spouses have their sexual desires fulfilled.* If your spouse isn’t satisfied with your sex life then you have to step up. If you aren’t satisfied with your sex life then you have to be willing to let down your guard and address that with your spouse. In either case that might mean that you need personal or couples counseling. If your own efforts aren’t making the changes needed in your marriage then it might be time to get a professional, third-party involved in helping you work together to improve your marriage.

These types of issues do not solve themselves, unless you consider less intimacy, more distance, living as roommates, or divorce as solutions. I hope that none of you do. Happy and fulfilling marriages take concerted effort, proper prioritization, and commitment to better ourselves.

Now let me talk to those of you whose husbands want more or more varied sex. This may be overwhelming to you because it will likely take you out of your comfort zone. Since he wants more sex or more varied sex, this places you in the position of control. Whether you want it or not, because you want it less you control it. The only way this changes is if you are willing to allow the change. If you are not, then you are still in control and your husband is still unsatisfied with your sex life. No one has changed. No one has grown.

If you are a wife that would like more or more varied sex then your husband is the one with the control over this. You cannot wrest that control from him. It is likely that he doesn’t know that he controls it or, if he does, wishes he didn’t. That’s just the way it is. It is likely as overwhelming to you as well but for another reason. For things to change you’ll have to tell him what needs to change and that’s risky. If you don’t, you’ll remain unsatisfied and no one will have changed and no one will have grown.

Please don’t stop growing until sex is a blessing to you, your husband, and your marriage.

That gets a hearty amen from J! Thanks, Colonel.

The Kentucky Colonel blogs at A Grown Up Marriage about moving from those immature expectations toward a more healthy and grown up view of what marriage should be. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.


* See 1 Corinthians 7. “Fulfilling sex” should be within reason. What is reasonable should be discussed between the spouses. Personally I’d consider anything up to once a day as reasonable. As far as variety I’d suggest the article, Sexual Relationships Always Consist of ‘Leftovers’, by Dr. David Schnarch.

How to Write a Love Letter

Gift certificate example

One of the offerings from my 2012 Christmas gift to readers was a gift certificate promise to exchange love letters. I’ve been asked before about the best gift my husband ever got me, and hands-down it’s the love poem he wrote.

Now my husband is not the romantic type. I’ve fondly called him Spock here on my blog because that’s not far from his personality. Can you imagine a love letter written by a Vulcan?

(Hey, you non-Star Trek fans . . . First of all, what’s wrong with you? Star Trek is a classic, regardless of which series or reboot you watch! Second, Spock is a character from the planet of Vulcan who does not express emotion but rather uses logic at all times.)

My hubby’s love letter to me would have likely made Cyrano de Bergerac cringe and yank the pen out of his hand, but it was absolutely beautiful to me because it required effort, thought, and expressing how much I meant to him.

Since weren’t not all naturally like Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browning (who traded love poems with verses like, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!”), I thought I’d give some tips for writing a love letter to your spouse. These tips come from online research, my own brain, and Song of Songs, or Song of Solomon, from the Bible (talk about your steamy love letter!).

The following are some of the components you might want to include.

Remember when? Recall a special memory you two shared. You could talk about when you first met or when you first knew that your spouse was The One, and how that time made you feel. Provide enough descriptive detail to recreate the scene and the emotions that scene evoked. Your memory could be romantic, funny, or a tale of triumph over hardship, as long as it’s something that makes you both remember your courtship or marriage in a positive way.

SAMPLES

” I look back to the early days of our acquaintance; and Friendship, as to the days of Love and Innocence; and with an indescribable pleasure I have seen near a score of years roll over our Heads, with an affection heightened and improved by time — nor have the dreary years of absence in the smallest degree effaced from my mind the Image of the dear untitled man to whom I gave my Heart . . .”

— Abigail Adams to her husband, U.S. President John Adams

“All night long on my bed
    I looked for the one my heart loves;
    I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
    through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
    So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
    when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go . . .”

— Song of Song 3:1-4

The best is yet to come. Write about your anticipation of the future with your beloved. What do you look forward to sharing with them? Is there something specific you’ve talked about in your future? Traveling? Settling down somewhere special? Making love in the living room after the kids grow up and move out? Whatever it is, let your spouse know that you expect to be with them for a long time and are devoted to making your life together a good one.

SAMPLES

“I could be handy, mending a fuse when your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside, Sunday mornings, go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m sixty-four?”

— Paul McCartney and John Lennon of The Beatles, When I’m 64

“The important thing is I don’t want to be without you for the next 20 years, or 40, or however many there are. I’ve gotten very used to being happy and I love you very much indeed.”

— President Ronald Reagan to his wife, Nancy

What turns you on? We all want to feel attractive to our mate, so describe what features of his/her appearance are appealing to you. What about their looks turns you on? Avoid the basic, “You’re beautiful” or “You’re hot” statements, and get specific. Name parts of the body (eyes, mouth, legs, toenails, whatever) and tell what you like about them.

Sheila Wray Gregoire had an exercise in her 29 Days to Great Sex (the basis for her fabulous ebook, 31 Days to Great Sex) in which she asked women to name five things about their appearance that they liked, and many wives struggled with this one. We can get really down on ourselves, especially as our bodies age or circumstances prevent us from looking and feeling our best. But your spouse is still beautiful and needs to hear it from you. Help your wife (or husband) know what those five fabulous things are.

SAMPLES

“How beautiful you are, my darling!
    Oh, how beautiful!
    Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
    descending from Mount Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
    coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
    not one of them is alone.
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
    your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
    are like the halves of a pomegranate.
Your neck is like the tower of David,
    built with elegance;
on it hang a thousand shields,
    all of them shields of warriors.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
    like twin fawns of a gazelle
    that browse among the lilies.”

— Song of Songs 4:1-5

“My lover is radiant and ruddy,
    outstanding among ten thousand.
His head is purest gold;
    his hair is wavy
    and black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
    by the water streams,
washed in milk,
    mounted like jewels.
His cheeks are like beds of spice
    yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
    dripping with myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold
    set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory
    decorated with sapphires.”

— Song of Songs 5:10-14

The beauty within. No one wants to feel like they are only appreciated for their appearance. Sure, we want to be beautiful — but we also want our beauty to go deeper. God has given your mate some special qualities that you appreciate, so name them. Is your honey humorous? Trustworthy? Smart? Handy? Generous? A nurturing parent? Consider what character traits are worth pointing out as reasons you love him or her and write them down.

SAMPLES

“And what a comfort and pleasure it was to me to meet a girl with so much intellectual quality and such strong reserves of noble sentiment.”

— Prime Minister of England, Winston Churchill, to his future wife, Clementine

“I love your verses with all my heart, dear Miss Barrett, — and this is no off-hand complimentary letter that I shall write — whatever else, no prompt matter-of-course recognition of your genius and there a graceful and natural end of the thing: since the day last week when I first read your poems, I quite laugh to remember how I have been turning and turning again in my mind what I should be able to tell you of their effect upon me . . .”

— Poet Robert Browning’s first letter to his poet wife, Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Thank God for your mate. Give thanksgiving to the Creator for the gift of your spouse. In Philippians 1:3, the Apostle Paul says: “I thank my God every time I remember you.” Wouldn’t it be nice to know that your spouse does the same? Let your beloved know that he/she is one of the best blessings God ever gave you.

“I live in a permanent Christmas because God gave me you.”

— Ronald Reagan to Nancy

“Each morning, as I rise
I give thanks to God
For your presence
lying next to my bod”

— “Spock” to J on her birthday

Final tips.

  • Use nicknames if you have them. Winston and Clementine Churchill called each other “Pug” and “Cat” in their letters, and the couple in Song of Songs called each other “Beloved.”
  • Include analogies if you have any. Try it out in your head first by completing statements like “Being with you is like ______” and “You are to me like ____ is to ____.”
  • Stay away from clichés. “Roses are red, violets are blue” ain’t gonna cut it, unless your next two lines are utterly brilliant. Also, her eyes may indeed “sparkle like the stars” but try to come up with something fresh.
  • Gush a little. Yes, it’s okay to write stuff that would make your teenager want to vomit if he/she read it.

Keep it going. One love letter is awesome! Continuing this practice can be a great way to remind yourself why you love your spouse and to be reminded why he/she loves you. The Brownings wrote 574 love letters to one another, and Winston and Clementine Churchill wrote throughout their 57-year marriage. We need to hear now and then not only that we are loved, but why. Love letters are a great way to express that sentiment to your spouse.

I conclude this post with one of my favorite love letters — written by Chris DuBois, Ashley Gorley, and Brad Paisley and recorded by country singer Paisley. DuBois said, “Our goal was to write a song that wasn’t necessarily for songwriter acclaim. It was really just something we could play for our wives, that would touch them.” Great job, hubbies.

Sources: metrolyrics.com; Library Online; Letters of Note; Amazon; Baylor University – The Browning Letters; Marriage Gems; The Boot