It’s two weeks away, but already couples are considering, planning, or even sweating what they will do for each other on St. Valentine’s Day. February 14 has been designated as the ultimate day of romance and love, and many married couples celebrate it each year.
When asked what husbands want for Valentine’s, the standard answer is — let’s face it — sex.
Which strikes many wives as odd. Isn’t Valentine’s about romance? Where’s the romance in spreading out on the sheets and going at it? Couldn’t you do that another day and instead devote yourselves to deep affection and sweet gestures of love?
So here’s my answer to the question: Does he just want sex for Valentine’s Day?
The Yes Men. For a certain number of husbands, the answer is an emphatic YES. Whether you understand it or not, that husband feels closest to you when you make love. It rekindles and refreshes his love for you. When you bare your body to him, he’s ensured that you trust him with your fragile form. When you engage in lovemaking, he’s reminded that he alone has this special relationship with you, that this relationship is unique and beautiful. When you are aroused and pleasured by him, he feels potent and confident in his ability to care for you and give you happiness. When you have intercourse, he is filled with a sense of unity and intimacy. When you are both sated, his body responds with feel-good chemicals and warm-fuzzy feelings that equate to the emotion of love.
Yep, when you have sex, he feels loved. It’s really that simple. So if your husband asks for sex for Valentine’s Day, he’s not saying, “Give me physical release,” he really is asking for something deeper, something that communicates love to him. Give it to him. Sure, ask for whatever romance you desire, but give him the gift that’s meaningful to him. Have sex on Valentine’s Day.
The Romantics. However, there are plenty of husbands who revel in romance. They enjoy buying their wife flowers, writing love notes, planning thoughtful dates, slow dancing in the living room, and declaring their love with serenades or poetic words. Sex isn’t enough for them. If sex is on their wish list, they want it wrapped up in pretty romantic paper and a bow. Indeed, Valentine’s Day may be just the day to step it up and create a memorable lovemaking experience.
If that’s your guy, then set the scene! Bring on the romance! Have that candlelight dinner, at home or in a restaurant. Make an intimacy mix CD or plan for a night of music and/or dancing. Take time to prepare the bedroom with candles or rose petals, or make a hotel reservation. Purchase lingerie he’ll enjoy seeing you in . . . and then removing. Consider bringing something special to bed that night — perhaps a flavored lubricant or an intimacy board game. Go the extra mile to make the whole night romantic, including your time together in bed.
The Humbugs. I admit it. I’m a bit of a holiday humbug myself. I admitted last year that I’m not that into Valentine’s Day, and this year I laughed aloud when I read the title of a post by Mission Husband: Why Valentines Day Makes Me Want to Barf (it actually has some great marriage-building stuff in there). My not-so-romantic husband was wise to marry a gal like me, for whom Valentine’s Day can generally be covered with a single greeting card.
Maybe you’re married to a guy who doesn’t care about this holiday. Or even to a guy who doesn’t care about sex as much as you do. When asked if he wants sex for Valentine’s Day, you get a shrug like it doesn’t really matter one way or the other. So what should you do for him? Some of that depends on the depth of the issue — like if your marriage just isn’t where it should be and needs work in that department or he really is disinterested in sex generally and that’s an ongoing issue in your marriage. Those should be dealt with outside the subject of holidays.
But the best gifts are tailored to the recipient. So if it’s not a huge deal for him, don’t make a huge deal out of it for him. Yes, you should ask for what you desire, but also show him love in a way that he’ll understand. Even better, do something that doesn’t necessarily seem geared to the holiday but still warms your heart to know that you made an extra effort. Cook his favorite meal. Offer to watch his television show or take an after-dinner walk or play a video game with him. Give him tickets to an upcoming sporting event or a concert he’d like to attend. Do something for him, sure. But don’t expect fireworks if your guy isn’t the fireworks type.
If you can have sex that night, do so. But if it doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourselves up. Valentine’s Day is a holiday for many, but you can make other days special too. Indeed, work toward having the kind of marriage in which special encounters between you two are frequent, natural, and not reserved for holidays.
Does he just want sex for Valentine’s Day?
Maybe, maybe not. Like so much else in marriage advice, you have to consider the mate you married. And then, the loving thing to do is to give him the gift that means love to him.
How does your husband approach Valentine’s Day? Does he expect sex and/or romance? Or does he try to ignore the day generally?
And for yourself, ladies, check out this FABULOUS deal for Valentine’s Day. Four books on marital intimacy, regularly priced at $21.96, are now on sale as a book bundle for $10.00! Included is my book, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. Buy now! This deal is only good until Valentine’s Day.