Of course, the standard answer to “Should you be reading my blog?” would be YES — that is, if I wanted to keep all my followers and add 1200 more. And why wouldn’t I want to do that???
Well, this came up in the comments section on a recent post, and since I’ve thought about it before, I want to say for the record that some people probably shouldn’t be reading my blog. Which brings up two questions: Who? and Why?
Let’s actually start with Why?
I used to read news stories about children abused, sexually assaulted, and trafficked fairly often. But I found myself lying in bed at night absolutely unable to go to sleep (how can I sleep with that going on in the world?) and becoming overly nervous and protective in my parenting. At some point, I had to stop. Am I trying to stay clueless about what happens in the world? Of course not. I still hear about things and feel that pull on my heartstrings, I give when and where I can, and I speak up against such horrific practices. But when reading those stories produced far more negative than positive in my life, I had to walk away and refocus.
Not a great analogy, but it does demonstrate that we all have to make choices about what we read and listen to. Maybe this blog, or specific blog posts, are not for you. If the negative far outweighs the positive, maybe you need to walk away and/or refocus.
Now who do I think should pass on my blog or some posts?
Unmarried minors. If you’re an unwed minor reading my blog, you’re in the wrong place. There may be a few posts here that would help you, but your better source for information about godly sexuality are resources aimed at teenagers and singles. Also, you might think your parents couldn’t possibly handle such a conversation, when maybe they could. If not your parents, find other Christian mentors to speak to about your questions, concerns, struggles — such a youth minister or church pastor, a same-sex adult in your church whom you admire, a Christian counselor, or a believing teacher. I am not saying don’t deal with the issue; God created sex, and He certainly wants us to address it. But find Christians who can speak to the circumstances you currently face; such people are out there.
Singles who struggle with sexual temptation. There are several posts for singles that would help illuminate what godly sexuality looks like, but other posts you might want to pass on reading. You can check the titles and safely click away from anything with specific how-to tips for the bedroom. Reading advice like that may make you more physically frustrated or tempted. And that is never my intention here.
Recently widowed or divorced. What a difficult time this is! The sudden absence of a husband’s (or wife’s) attention and affection can create an emptiness that your heart and your body long to fill. This period right after divorce or the death of a spouse is ripe for rebound relationships, sexual temptation, and clouded judgment. Perhaps, you should step away from sexually charged resources for a while and focus on grieving your loss. When the time is right, or if God brings another spouse into your life, then you can return.
Some in sexless marriages. This is an individual call. But much like my explanation above, if coming to my blog and reading the posts leave you consistently more frustrated, angrier at your spouse, more deeply discouraged by your situation, and — Heaven forbid — doubting God’s design and goodness . . . then you likely need to take a break. You can stay connected and scan titles for posts that deal with addressing sexual problems or how the church can speak into broken marriages while avoiding those that merely remind you of what you are far too aware you don’t have.
Do I believe your situation is hopeless? An emphatic no! I’ve seen several seemingly hopeless situations turn completely around, and sexless marriages can become sex-happy marriages. But if my blog is not helping you grow in your marriage, seek other resources to work on your relationship. Perhaps focusing on that will lead to more openness and progress regarding sexual intimacy. Then you can return when your marriage is ready.
You’re just here for a disagreeable agenda. I was going to close it up with the categories above, but I decided to add this one. Honestly, if you come to my blog, and blogs like mine, to argue and insult and belittle, why are you here? Don’t you have other things to do with your time? Disagreement is certainly welcome, and I, thankfully, have been corrected and learned from commenters on my blog, but others — and they know who they are — stop by merely to push an alternative agenda. Happily, the numbers of such readers is very few. But yeah, I’d like to keep it that way. Because this blog is my home, and I don’t accept rioting and disrespect in my home. (Thanks! — The Management.)
So what do you think? How would you suggest people decide what marriage blogs to read? And which to skip?
Keep up the good work. Dont stop doing what God has called you to do. You are doing a excellent outstanding work.
God bless You for Your courage.
My Wife and I will continue following up on all your posts. They are verry helpful. Would be nice if we would have the same for a germanspeaking audience.
Readers in Germany? Well, that made my day! Danke! And many blessings to you and your wife. 🙂
Great post!
I’m engaged, with the wedding two and a half months away. Would it be wisest that as an engaged woman I not read your blog yet? Thoughts, J?
First off, you need to have a strategy for waiting until marriage, because God created you to desire one another but wants you to trust His plan to wait until the covenant is sealed. Then I think it could go one of two ways:
(1) If you’re confident that you are devoted to waiting and can manage that well, go ahead and read up on what to expect. I even have several posts about the wedding night. You need a God-centered, realistic perspective of sexual intimacy for your marriage, and I would hope that I’m among the resources that could help engaged women prepare.
(2) If you’re really struggling to hold out and the topic of sex is highly-charged for you, I’d suggest you filter what you see and read. Perhaps the week before, you can gather some information — and certainly talk to your gynecologist ahead of time to make sure everything’s ready to go down there — but simply pick and choose what you need at this time and wait until marriage for the rest. That could mean passing on my blog for the time being.
That’s my own two cents. Of course, you’re a grownup and can decide for yourself! 😉 Thanks for the excellent question, and many blessings to you and your upcoming marriage!
Good answer to Lulu.
There is a scripture that gives pause to this discussion. In the Song of Solomon 2:6-8; 3:4-6; 8:3-5. Each scripture implores that love not be awakened, nor aroused before it is time.
In our modern courtships, there is an order to our purpose. Dating is a time to realize who we are, each in relation to the other, including Jesus. [A triple braided cord is not easily broken.] And in that time we come to know the depth of commitment to the Lordship of Christ, so that we can know the equality of our spousal yoking under the reins of Christ.
The engagement is the time to make commitments, to begin to order the business of our relation, or if you will, our worldly affairs. We are finalizing the terms of our contract with one another. It is a contract for the business of caring for one another. It has a beginning, a purpose, and an end. It is the 2nd most serious contract we will enter into, right behind our suzerainty contract with our Lord. It is not to be entered into lightly.
We should proceed with a clear head, and not let our emotions cloud and influence our good judgement. In the Living Bible, Proverbs 4:23 states emphatically, “Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life.” The emphasis continues — spurn the careless kiss, look straight ahead, don’t get sidetracked. You are on your way to a Proverbs 31 marriage with an honorable husband and wife.
Keep things in order. “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
I read this blog while I was engaged and it was extremely helpful for me! Sex was something I was really nervous about in marriage because it was such an unknown, yet I knew it was very important. I can see how thinking too much about it could be a stumbling block, but this blog asking with a few others really helped to ease my nerves!
This is actually my first time commenting. I read this blog for about two months before I got married. Leading up to the wedding the temptation can be seriously intense. Having said that, I agree with J. If you are devoted to waiting, reading this blog and others like it can be a great resource.
My recommendation would be to set a time limit or a blog limit for each day. Get some information and then move on. I got into a habit of spending way too much time on Christian blogs and websites about intimacy that I wasted so much time obsessing and worrying about it. When I realized I had a problem I quit reading all together.
All in all, what I learned before marriage definitely prepared me better for intimacy with my husband. What I’ve learned since then is that even with all the information in the world can’t tell you about YOUR husband—his likes, preferences, and desires. So I guess what I’m saying is learn some now, but remember you have the rest of your life to learn the rest. Blessings.
J I absolutely love your blog. (Missionary in Portugal) I am thrilled you wrote a post like this and can think of several others that should post the same. Incredible that you care more about others than promoting your own blog!! Blessings to you and your family!!
Very valid points. I, for one, had to step away for a bit. As a recent divorcee several of your posts have brought back memories and some thoughts to the future, which is a good thing.
This was an excellent post. I remember reading that comment and thought to myself how true it can be. For myself, there have been many times where reading all these marriage blogs have actually caused me to stumble in my marriage. How? Because of comparison.
I am a higher drive wife and due to hubby’s work hours and health issues we’re lucky to make love once a week and I really crave more frequency but it just ain’t going to happen no matter how much planning or initiating I do.
So when I start reading yours and many other’s marriage blogs about how wives need to initiate more, sleep naked and wear sexy lingerie, well it just doesn’t make my situation any better. And to hear comments from readers about how frequent their sex life is or adventurous it only serves to hurt more than help many times.
Because of that I’ve learned to not frequent marriage blogs as often and when I start feeling myself hurting more than being helped I walk away.
Having said all that though, your blog is one I do check in with often because your posts are very uplifting and helpful in many areas of marriage. 🙂
I would add too, any blogs which share in great detail about sex could be a real stumbling block to someone struggling with porn addiction. Lately I’ve run across a few newer Christian marriage blogs which seem focused on sharing in graphic detail how-to’s on having sex with your spouse. I ran across a blog yesterday with a post about what a man and his wife did sexually that night and I would definitely consider it erotica because of the very graphic language and detail he gave. I was stunned it was shared on a supposedly Christian blog.
No one needs to know what goes on in another person’s bedroom or graphic how-to instructions, but lately it seems like that has become the theme on so many Christian blogs.
Anyway, I now limit myself to your blog and a couple others which share uplifting and encouraging advice for marriage without walking me through step by step how to make love to my spouse. 😉
I love this! So thankful for you!
This was an unexpected but very relevant theme in your post above, J. I think you covered it very well. Married persons and those who are about to marry would find your blog helpful.
Please keep up your efforts as these are needed. For every reader who comments on your blog saying an article has been helpful to her or him, there are no doubt many more readers who have been helped.
Yes keep writing J. I wish I had read your blog years ago. Maybe then I could have avoided the crisis that hit us a couple of years ago – but then again maybe it was an inevitable storm from intimacy problems on both sides. At any rate, some woman needs to be yelling it from mountain tops what a healthy, beautiful, God-given, sexual relationship looks and feels like with your husband. God bless you and keep writing! 🙂
I can only speak for myself, but I didn’t fall into addiction to pornography because I read/saw too much on a Christian website about sex. On the contrary; the latter was part of what God used to rescue me from pornography. I wanted (and still do) the truth about sexual intimacy.
As a young teen, my parents handed me a book about adolescence that fell hopelessly short of the myriad of questions I had. And only one church in my lifetime has even mentioned the topic from the pulpit. Decades later, the /only/ place I finally found honest answers was in a Christian marital forum I wasn’t welcomed in…because I wasn’t married yet. In the end, truth doesn’t titillate; it informs, warns, and protects. There’s an entire sex industry eagerly waiting with open arms to accept the young/single people being spurned by the Christian community at large on this topic. Why on earth are we still sending them there?
As Jessica Harris said so well, “Instead of asking how to protect their innocence, we should be asking how to protect the sacredness of sex in their lives.” Protecting that sacredness of sex is where I believe your blog (and all those who speak biblical truth) comes in. Some observations/thoughts:
* No offense, but if a young/single person is looking to get aroused from your website, they’re looking in the wrong place. Your website is focused on biblical truth; not graphical content. It’s positive about sex in a way that honors God.
* Most youth ministers or church pastors (and most adults I know) are /not/ addressing, nor willing to address, the tough questions about sexuality most young people have, and certainly not with the candor they need to survive in the environments they’re surrounded by. Those answers are only found online in blogs like yours.
* There is greater danger in spurning young people asking awkward but earnest questions about sex than in responding to them with honest, medically-correct, biblical answers. If you feel something is too graphic for public posting, then perhaps relegating that content to a book may be a wiser approach? But remember that young people /will/ find answers one way or another–pray that they get them from someone who is telling them the truth.
* Your blog is public, so unless you take it offline, it will be viewed by anyone with internet access regardless of who you target it for; e.g. engaged or married couples. Your one and only guarantee is that the Truth you share about sex won’t return void (Isaiah 55:11).
I’m single and I’ve actually had this conversation with myself a good while ago. I’ve pretty much come to the same conclusions as you. I filter, don’t read your how-to’s, and sometimes I take a break for a couple of days/ weeks.
But I like reading your blog. You are very funny and your content is generally uplifting.
I’ve been lurking for a long time, and wanted to chime in that I think this is a very wise post. I have no problems reading your blog, but I found that for now I need to set your e-book aside.
My husband and I have struggled with the sexual part of our marriage for decades as we’ve tried to overcome the negative teachings he encountered growing up (ie. sexuality is evil and dirty) and the resulting dysfunctions. Through prayer and a LOT of patience, I feel like we’re finally making some progress towards a sex life I’ve always longed for, but for right now, “Sex Savvy” just makes me feel sad because there’s a long way to go before those ideas can even be tried. God has promised me that we’ll get there, but it’s one step at a time.
I am also a single person that occasionally reads your blog. I tend to struggle with sexual temptation, but your blog has given me hope that if I continue to abstain until finding the right person, then my (someday) marriage will be that much better for it. This blog helps me to envision a very happy future with a husband that I’ll love being intimate with..
I’m a young, inexperienced, soon to be married person. I started reading this (and other) blogs about a year ago, when I realized that I had some messed up views about sexuality. I wanted to work through them before getting married. I did pick and choose which ones to read, and I would avoid some posts. Now I’m going to be married in about a month and don’t feel the same need to avoid certain topics.
I had already been contemplating your recommendation. I am recently separated after almost six years of marriage. My husband moved out a couple weeks ago. I have avoided reading your blog and have already unsubscribed to a couple marriage blogs, just because it hurts too much. I found your headline intriguing so I read this one after it sat in my inbox for a few days. Thank you for being upfront and honest and caring more about your readers than about your numbers!! I do believe I will be taking a break from here, as well as the others. If I ever feel I’m ready, I know where to find you. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog and can’t wait for the day when you reveal yourself!! haha. God Bless and keep up the wonderful work that you do in providing Biblically based marriage & sexual education! 😉
NIV 1 Cor 10:23
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.
NIV Ecc 3:1
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”
To say that this blog post came in God’s perfect timing , I hope, is a testimony of how your blog fulfills its God-driven purpose. I’m a 20-something female single Christian who has been suffering from the consequences of sexual immorality she has done in the past.
It’s actually quite comforting that the two Bible verses I mentioned above popped in my mind after reading your blog post. I know your blog is geared towards helping out married couples make God as the centre of their sacred union. It also consequently helps Christian singles like me re-orient their perspective on sex and marriage based on God intends it to be.
But seeing that there is indeed a time and season for everything, I guess I have to stay away from reading ALL blog posts here and choose the ones that fit the season that God wants me to be currently in. While reading your blog is good for me, it may not be beneficial for me at this point because I’m not yet married (like duh) but with God’s perfect timing, I know I’ll be able to read everything that’s written here. I’m looking forward to that day! 🙂
Keep the posts coming. God bless you and your family, J!
Love the scriptures you chose! Well-stated. Many blessings to you! May God guide you through the path of purity and into a godly marriage of intimate delights.
Ah, no, I probably shouldn’t. It was marriage blogs that got me into this whole mess. And I think it’s amazing of you, and super sensitive, and very helpful, to realize this and not be afraid to say it. That this blog (and many others like it) may not be for everyone.
I never realized there was a problem in my marriage/sex life. I came to one blog just looking to read about how I could improve my Christian marriage and home. And you know how the internet is, all these blogs link to one another and before you know it you’re reading all different blogs.
So I begin reading about all these perfect wives. And seeing their perfect pictures. And reading about all these husbands that are in constant pursuit of their wives sexually, and the wives who keep trying to get him to back off. Huh? I suddenly realized I was in a bizarre situation. I liked sex with my husband. I initiated often. I think I liked having it more often than he did. I was swiftly learning that I was a weirdo. I was not a normal woman.
I should not like sex so much. Or rather, I should have to learn to like it. He should be pursuing me far more often. He wasn’t, so I began to see myself as repulsive, and nowhere near as desireable as the other wives who were commenting and writing. My initiating should have been a rare treat, not a couple times a week thing. So I stopped. Completely.
So I sunk into some serious self doubt. I began to see myself as ugly, inside and out, and unworthy of love. I felt pity for my husband for being married to someone so obviously undesireable. I started to question why God made me so abnormal with such a high sex drive. I was very unhappy and did some serious marital damage.
I had to take a blog reading break, as pointed out by a good friend and. my husband. After all, I didn’t even know the was a problem until I started reading how my life “should” be. I stopped initiating altogether and still cannot bring myself to do so. Thankfully my husband and I are beginning to heal from he damage, but it’s taking a loooong time.
So now I just peruse the safer blogs, and this title caught my eye. Thanks for pointing this out. Hopefully it will keep other wives like me from a similar mess.
I hear ya. I have written several posts for higher-drive wives:
She Wants, He Doesn’t Want
Wives Wants Sex Link-Up
He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Help for Higher-Drive Wives
He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Be the Brownie
One More & I’ll Go Insane!
I Am the Higher-Drive Spouse (Or Yes, Rejection Hurts)
Two Words Your Higher-Desire Spouse Needs You to Hear
Does Your Husband’s Rejection Make You Doubt Yourself?
Know that you are not abnormal. It is perfectly healthy to desire sexual intimacy with your husband. Please continue to work on this aspect of your marriage. I pray that you will find the right perspective and resources for your situation. Blessings, Becca!