Today’s reader question is about giving oral sex to your husband:
Could you please send links to articles that specifically address wives who are averse to “finishing” when we give oral sex to our husbands. … his desire for me to do this comes up periodically and he has been very kind and patient about my aversion. I know it is a mental hangup and you have addressed the gag reflex, but [it] still seems repulsive, even though I love everything else about my husband’s body. Am I just selfish? He is so undemanding in every aspect of our marriage, so the fact that he still brings it up means it is a strong wish. I have managed a couple of times over the years, but I had to hide how unpleasant it was to me. And he stresses that he wants me to enjoy it, or we don’t do it. (He asked me to ask you.)
Hmmm. I actually had an aversion myself to the word finishing. Using that word makes it sound like if you don’t swallow your husband’s ejaculate, he didn’t get to finish. But I presume he did, somehow or other. Oral sex without swallowing isn’t unfinished business.
That said, I know many husbands desire that their wives take their ejaculate into their mouths and even swallow. I’ve encouraged men who write me about this to make the request but let it go if she simply can’t stomach the idea. Having a great sex life in marriage doesn’t mean that your partner performs every sexual activity you desire. There should be mutuality in the marriage bed.
But the query is from a wife, at the request of her husband, so I’m going to address that side of the equation. And I do believe that a number of wives adverse to the idea could learn to accept semen into their mouth and even swallow, at least on occasion.
Let’s just address this question first: Is it hygienic? Yes, it’s perfectly fine to swallow semen. It even contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose, all of which you ingest in food. One study oddly showed that semen has antidepressant qualities, so there might even be a health benefit. The only caveat here is if he has a sexually transmitted disease, but then it’s not the semen that’s the problem, but rather contact with any outbreak on the skin. Otherwise, it’s totally fine.
What about the taste? It tends to be a bit salty, but can taste sweet — depending on what your husband eats and his specific taste. If you don’t like the taste of his semen, he can do several things to improve its flavor: wash thoroughly in the area beforehand, avoid smoking, incorporate more fruit and/or fruit juices into his diet, cut down on red meat and dairy consumption, drink plenty of water. You could also add a flavored personal lubricant to the experience, to sweeten the overall taste.
How about the texture? Some people have fewer issues with taste than texture. Semen is about the consistency of a beaten egg, so it’s a thick liquid that may not appeal to some wives. If this is the sole issue, then letting your husband ejaculate in the back of your mouth, closer to your throat, will keep you from dealing with the texture much, if at all.
How do you address the gag reflex? If you have a strong gag reflex, then you need to consider how to make fellatio work well for you. First things first: You don’t have to swallow him; that is, put his whole penis into your mouth or “deep-throat.” His sensitivity is mainly in the head of the penis, and you can concentrate there and stroke his shaft to provide additional pressure and pleasure. (See also What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think).) Also, consider changing positions to find a comfortable angle for your mouth and throat.
If it’s the ejaculate itself causing you to gag, you can try a couple of things: (1) Train yourself ahead of time by putting your finger toward your throat until you feel a reaction, then breathe and relax through the sensation. Repeating this practice can help you overcome a gag reflex. (2) When you feel yourself starting to gag, tuck your left thumb into your left hand, as if making a first, and squeeze your thumb. I don’t know if this works, but I saw so many articles and testimonies online about this working, it seemed worth mentioning. If someone else has tried this, let us know in the comments.
What about the mental block? You might logically get over all these issues, but in the moment, some little part of your brain yells, Oh my gosh, that’s man-juice in my mouth. Yuck! Hey, we’re biologically and culturally primed to avoid ingesting things that are bad for us or even weird. So it’s understandable that you might have a negative visceral reaction to the idea of semen in there.
Honestly, getting over that is like getting over anything else you want to do but have an initial aversion to doing. You have to re-frame how you think about it, reminding yourself constantly that this is okay and even good; then take baby steps toward changing your behavior; and reward yourself for progress you make. It takes time and intentionality, but there really isn’t another magical formula. You can most likely break through the mental block, but only if you want to and if you adopt actions that help you shift your thinking about this practice.
Are you selfish for not wanting to? It doesn’t sound like you are, because (1) you’ve actually tried and (2) y’all seem to have great sexual intimacy otherwise. You’re not looking at your husband and telling him you don’t want sex to be pleasurable for him; rather, you’re wanting it to be mutually pleasurable and this particular area just happens to be unpleasant. Even if a sexual activity is entirely permissible and good in marriage, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sexual intercourse is the only activity commanded in the Bible, even though we have the freedom to do much more.
Neither spouse gets to demand a specific sex act, and we should feel secure and confident enough in the marital bedroom to say something like, “I will happily do A, B, and C, but I’m just not comfortable with X.” At the end of the day, you may decide you flat-out don’t want to do this. And really, you and your husband can have a great sex life without it.
But since it’s important to him, and he has not demanded it but rather requested, is there a way you can make it happen? I love that your husband said he wants you to give him fellatio all the way to ejaculation only if it can be enjoyable for you too. So the final question really is: How can you make this an enjoyable experience?
Many wives do enjoy giving a “blow job” and swallowing. How do they do it? Here are some final tips:
- Think about fellatio positively. Shed the worry about your mouth touching that area of his body, because it’s also just skin — albeit rather erogenous skin.
- Keep your mouth from being overwhelmed. Try different angles and actions to see what feels reasonably comfortable while still being arousing to him, and ask him to be gentle in his movements and let you have more control. Also, check out the chapter on oral sex in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design where I explain how to perform fellatio in a way that works for both of you.
- Focus on the pleasure you’re providing. You know how awesome it feels when your husband concentrates on giving you incredible pleasure and even a mind-blowing orgasm? That’s how this feels to him, and you are making it happen. High-five yourself, girlfriend!
- Anticipate when he’s coming. It can be a shock for him to suddenly gush into your mouth. If you can’t read his body signals, unlikely until you’ve done this a number of times, ask him to tell you when he’s about to ejaculate so you’ll know it’s coming.
- Relax your mouth and throat. If you can anticipate, you can relax your mouth and throat even more in that moment. You might want to slow or stop your mouth motion and focus on your relaxation and his release.
- Take control of where the ejaculate lands. If you have an issue with swallowing, try having him release closer to your throat so his fluid isn’t hanging around in your mouth for long. It’s just in, swallow, done. Literally takes seconds. Some wives would rather taste and savor semen, and they can shift their mouths accordingly. But get yourself into a position that works for you.
- Clear out your mouth if you need to. If you feel the need, jump up when it’s over and go swish some mouthwash around in your mouth. Gurgle with it, so that your throat gets cleared too. Keep a drink, a breath mint, or gum nearby if you want to replace the taste lingering in your mouth.
Do you have to perform this act? No. But if it’s really important to your husband and you are willing to try, then take some time and effort and see if you can make it happen. A lot of wives who used to balk about swallowing learned how to enjoy it. You might too.
96 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Should You Just Swallow Already?”
I have read that if he eats pineapple, his ejaculate will taste better, but I can’t say I noticed any difference! The biggest change in taste for me was when he drinks plenty of water, if he is dehydrated, it can taste quite gross!
I also make sure that I have something to drink handy, to ‘wash it down with’.
Also, you don’t have to swallow, sometimes oral is just part of foreplay, sometimes I will swallow, and sometimes I will stop right before he ejaculates, and he finishes another way. My husband does enjoy it best when I swallow though!
From what I read, pineapple juice can improve taste. But not after just one drink. It has to be incorporated into your diet. Thanks for the other tips too!
Pineapples DO work.
I have to add that strawberries seem to work just as well.
I just want to applaud you for your reply to this reader. Most women would have just told her to tell her husband to shut up and be glad she would do oral at all. You are very wise.
He must stay away from asparagus at all costs!!!!?? That smell would have even the most willing wife in the world running for the hills…
(Life lesson learned the hard way)
LOL. Yes, some green vegetables apparently do make for poor taste issues. Too bad, because I really like asparagus. 🙂
Love your answer to this, J! Thanks. I have no problem with swallowing, but it is thick, so I do have to clear my throat shortly after. It’s not a problem with taste for me, just more a feeling in my throat like when I have sinus stuff in there. So I keep a bottle of water close by. That way I can get a drink shortly afterward, but dont’ have to ruin the moment by running to some other room in the house. I also pause at least a minute or two before getting said drink, so I don’t make him feel insulted that I’m having to run for water the second I’m done. He has reassured me he wouldn’t feel that way even if reaching for the water was the first thing I did, but I still feel that’d be insulting him, so I wait and cuddle for at least a minute or three.
I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve done everything suggested here, multiple times. But I gag and it’s all I can do to keep from throwing up. My husband keeps asking and I’ve given it a wholehearted try time after time. But I just can’t and him asked after he knows how much I’ve tried just breaks my heart.
I’d ask him why it’s so important. Why does this one act mean so much to him? Because if you really can’t, pushing you to do it is just causing tension and conflict. Maybe he feels that it’s a full acceptance of him, and you can find other ways to get that message across. Maybe it’s something he’s seen somewhere that turned him on, and he needs to adjust his expectations to what is marvelous about your marriage bed. I don’t know the specific answer, but I’d be trying to dig deeper and figure out what’s going on with him and how you can find another way to meet his desire that doesn’t make you want to throw up. Which, yeah, if that’s happening, he shouldn’t keep requesting it.
Aaaand….. I still can’t stand it. I cannot seem to work past the fact that oral sex is so unclean. I know,I know, it’s all sanitary, etc, etc, but in reality I’m sucking on the part of his body used to excrete urine. It’s just gross. I don’t suck on his big toe either. To be fair, I have the same hang up with him doing oral on me – although it is sexually about the best feeling out there, my brain screams “yuck” the whole time. And it’s been about six years of me trying to get over it. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t refuse my husband in any other way, sexually, so it feels bad to say “no”, but he keeps asking, and I either struggle thru the deed and hate every minute, or he feels like I just don’t care about him. He also is pretty pushy about me enjoying it, and I think he believes that I could just love it if I only wanted to, but I don’t find that to be true so far.
Okay, I know this is hard to swallow (no pun intended, but there you go), but urine is actually pretty clean. I’m not saying anyone wants to have it in their mouth (definite NO), but if a teeny trickle ever did manage to make its way out, you probably wouldn’t notice and it wouldn’t hurt you. That said, God made his system where the two can’t happen at the same time: Once he’s erect, he can’t urinate.
Secondly, you don’t have to put your mouth right there at the opening to give him some form of oral sex. In fact, his frenulum and the edge of his head are more sensitive anyway. And you can focus some on his shaft.
Third, like I said, if you’ve tried and you just can’t, that shouldn’t be a dealbreaker in the marriage bed by any means. There’s so much else you can do that’s arousing and exciting and satisfying. Enjoy all that stuff!
* sigh* I know that about urine. I do. It’s just super gross to me anyway. And like I said, I find it gross when he tries to do it to me. I do “play” with him around the hole, but that can’t really be full on oral sex, which is what he desires.
I guess another hang up for me is that the whole act feels so un -intimate to me. Every time I’ve done it for him, it has been purely about him getting an orgasm and I feel like a sex toy. Not the right attitude, I know, and I’m working on it, but real sex is so much more of a shared experience to me than a service and I much, much prefer that, even if I don’t climax from it.
Thanks for your posts. I always find something encouraging and helpful in them.
I know that I complain a lot that hubby has taken oral sex off of our sex menu, and at one time I think I would have desired to try to finish him and swallow, but now, I am growing more thankful that he put a stop to this.
I am curious what percentage of Christian married couples who practice oral sex in their bedroom. All the Christian men (that I know personally) have never received oral sex. These wives, including my own, find oral sex disgusting and gross. Also many of these wives find oral sex as impersonal and not very intimate. To request oral sex is selfish! As I said in my youth, that is the way the cookie crumbles…
Weird. I only personally know one couple that does not engage in oral sex. Not that I know everyone’s sex lives. I certainly do not! However, I’d say the vast majority of couples in my circles do at least some oral contact.
The Marriage Bed did a survey a few years ago on oral sex attitudes, with 309 women and 754 men responding. Now of course these are people willing to take a sex survey, so you know the results are going to be a little skewed. However, only 22% of men there said they never or rarely engaged in oral sex. Still, 46.5% of men said about fellatio, “She won’t do it nearly as often as I’d like.” Survey results are here: https://site.themarriagebed.com/surveys/oral-sex-attitudes-and-prevalence/
I do find it gross, impersonal and yes, selfish. The times we have done oral (aside from once) have been times when he requested it and the entire sexual experience was about his orgasm. Of course, a while later, he would half heartedly offer to return the favor, but I, again, find it gross, and really have to shut down emotionally to even perform it for him, so his offer 20 minutes later is unappealing, and he is happy to accept my “no” and start snoring. Unless sex is mutual, it really does come across a bit selfish. I would never ask my husband to do something sexually for me that he finds repulsive, so I do feel a bit “used” when he requests such of me. And I have to wonder, why is face-to-face sex not good enough? Why is our mutual experience not satisfying?
It sounds to me, just on what you’ve said, that the problem isn’t so much doing oral … it’s more that you two don’t view sex the same way. He might be looking at it more physically, while you want more emotionally.
Now I don’t think wanting to do more means face-to-face sex isn’t good enough. Rather, we should have a marriage bed that includes intimate eye contact, variety of experiences, and mutual pleasure. But the mutual thing isn’t happening like it should, and those attitudes are likely what you and your hubby need to deal with.
I’m sorry this is painful for you. Saying a prayer for y’all.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, our attitudes are very different regarding sex, and while this is not always an issue (for instance, when my libido is working fine), it does arise. I’m afraid I sounded rather bitter in my reply, and I just want to be clear that my husband is a very kind, loving man, and in all other respects we have a strong, healthy relationship. He just views sex differently than I do. And I am probably wrong!
I do think that I would find oral sex a turn off anyway. I have really, really tried to enjoy it. I even hated it when we did it mutually. I don’t want to say I will never try it again, because we have only been married for six years and I think we have lots of growth ahead of us as a couple, and who knows how my tastes will change? But I do think it could take some time and may never happen.
There are many Christians who believe oral sex is sinful and was brought about by worldly experimentation, especially among homosexuals, and thus it is not welcome in the Christian marriage bed.
There are others who believe it is ok for foreplay, but any finishing of the man needs to be done in the vagina.
There are others who believe it is ok for a woman to orgasm by oral sex, but the man should finish in her vagina.
So. Yes, they are out there.
It really feels like oral sex has become this big deal in western marriages, and the boundaries keep getting pushed. People tie all sorts of emotion and meaning to it and start assuming the other spouse is lacking in love. I did the same thing. Unfortunately, it has done more damage than good.
I am actually appalled at the envelope pushing and pressures Christian marriages are putting on their sex lives. That sort of attitude comes from the world, from porn, NOT from Godliness. I am NOT saying that every act outside of intercourse is wrong. I am saying that the heart and attitudes behind them really need to be examined. Are you looking for intimacy or that drug-like high the illicit brings? I know that I am convicted.
It’s true that we can sometimes elevate the physical aspects and novelty in the bedroom, at the cost of not pursuing real intimacy. I like your suggestion to examine our heart and attitudes.
I agree with you here J, but I think you need to be careful.
I’m one to believe that OS and manual sex SHOULD be a part of a couples sex life, so long as some kind of abuse suffered by either is a problem.
Should one push for either? No! The “requestor” should examine their heart in this case. But the”refuser” should as well! If all they have is “its icky!”, I don’t think that is valid. In fact, I think its selfish, either as a giver or receiver. Why? Well, its not against scripture, and in fact the Song may support it! But also, there is phil 2:4 says for us to look to the interests of others before your own, and this goes BOTH ways.
Finally, there is the biological. As men get older, it takes more to get an erection. I know this as I get to 50. Its harder to achieve, if you pardon the pun, without direct stimulation. A little bump and grind or lingerie doesn’t hack it anymore. I need direct stimulation now, and since my wife is both an OS and manual refuser, that leaves me in a lurch, doesn’t it? Not exactly fair.
I think I see this very close to where you are, with the exception of the word should. Partly because I don’t think that’s an effective word to convince reluctant spouses. I also think that manual and oral sex are a little different, with people having far fewer issues with the former. But ideally a married couple is talking about these things, looking to one another’s interests (including the interests of a spouse who has a legitimate gag reflex), and doing what it takes to have a mutually satisfying sex life. That certainly can change as you age, and you’re right that more stimulation is needed. Which is another reason why oral sex is a good addition to the repertoire.
My wife and I have worked out a compromise because she has a strong gag reflex. If I want to finish inside her mouth I wear a super-thin flavored condom. That way I can enjoy the sensation of finishing inside and she avoids the gag.
Nice idea! Thanks, Justin.
I have found it a lot harder to do oral on him alone. The “yuck” factor plagues me unless I happen to be extra horny. It works better when he is doing it for me at the same time. Plus I find it much, much easier to swallow when we’re mutually doing oral on each other. When I’m turned on and about it orgasm, it’s much easier to let him finish in my mouth. I do try to get it back in my throat so I can just swallow. Showering before, even together, is also a huge help. I hope this will help someone get over the “grossness.” 🙂
That’s an interesting thought. Yes, I can see that it might well be easier if you’re both giving/getting at the same time. Thanks for the tip!
Could you perhaps make a sexy show guiding his member to unload on your breasts? If you showed a bit of excitement and kept good hand pressure on his member till he’s done I do not think he would be offended but do it once or ask. Pray about it with him for a solution.
I have the most amazing wife. We engage in oral sex quite regularly, but because of her gag reflex, she just can’t receive the semen. I don’t feel rejected by it at all because our sex life isn’t based on just one act. We have found a good compromise to the issue. Close to finishing, we put on a flavoured condom and finish that way. This works really well. I am fulfilled and my wife doesn’t feel pressured into something she isn’t comfortable doing. If there is one thing I’ve learned in 23 years of marriage, it’s that selfishness is a destroyer of intimacy.
Thank you for commenting. This is a lovely example of mutuality in the marriage bed.
I think my wife and four under four share some of the same thoughts. I am grateful the mrs will go down on me as part of foreplay. I don’t request or demand that it happen but ejaculating in her mouth has happened maybe twice in 5 years and ejaculating elsewhere starting orally and finished off with a handjob maybe three to four times. Here’s where my hang up is. She refuses to allow me to please her orally. Her only argument or reason when I ask why not is, it’s just gross. I feel this puts a limit on our sex lives and the ways I can please her. It boggles my mind to think my spouse doesn’t want me to make her feel like a million bucks in the bedroom.
Between you and me (and all the other people reading this comment), that always boggles my mind a little too. I understand it logically, but since it’s one of the ways that a wife can have direct clitoral stimulation, I kinda think a gal should give it an honest try. Maybe keep the conversation going, not like you’re pestering her, but ask more questions about what she finds gross. You might get nowhere with that conversation, but I do know some women who didn’t want to do this early on, then did it and changed their minds.
Receiving was VERY hard for me and I eventually took it off the table altogether for the first 9 years or so of our marriage. Why? Because I absolutely could not get over the gross factor. I felt like I am gross down there and him down there is gross. Everything felt gross! We’ve recently worked on this and I’ve made huge progress, even finally reaching orgasm this way. But it still requires a lot of work and forethought. I first need to trim as much as possible, thoroughly wash, and then apply coconut oil. For the first ten minutes (sometimes longer), I cannot stop my brain from wondering if my husband is grossed out or doesn’t really want to do this or if his neck hurts or if he is bored. Only once I am significantly aroused can I let go and enjoy.
For women who consider themselves gross down there either because of messages they received or told themselves (or especially in conservative circles where sex is just for him anyway), this hang up is very hard to overcome. It took me an entire year. And that was after several years of gentle asking by my husband and his help brainstorming what would get me past my hangup. It’s not impossible, I’ve done it (to some extent), but it’s very difficult. After all this work, I still much prefer regular PIV sex over oral.
Key, thanks for sharing this. My wife has gone through the same experience over the course of 20 years of marriage. She has always been very generous in pleasuring me, and I have always wanted, desperately, to do the same for her, but like you explained, she felt gross down there and did not want me down there. Starting this past year, she only let me be there for a few seconds and then lovingly pull me away. But after a while, she realized how soothing it was, and how enthusiastic I was to be there for her. Touching and caressing her body for a while first, to help her relax, was a big help she said. I also explained to her how much her body, and her scent stimulated me, and I think she started to understand that what she thought was gross was a HUGE turn on for me, and this in turn excited her. We’re taking it a bit at a time, but she has certainly gotten more comfortable with her body and receiving pleasure, which has been wonderful. I have to say that since getting the green light to pleasure her in this way, I find myself thinking less and less about receiving pleasure and more about wanting to pleasure her. It’s so full-filling as a man to know I can finally do this for her, and she can relax and enjoy it and not focus just on me! It’s like bringing in the heavy groceries, opening the tight jar, killing the spider, fixing her car and slaying the dragon all rolled into one and multiplied by 10. 🙂
I think part of the answer is, even when it makes me “feel like a million bucks” it actually doesn’t. Like, I can experience great physical pleasure and my mind and my heart are feeling yucky. I don’t know if that even makes sense to a guy, because every time I try and explain it to my husband he is baffled that I can climax yet not enjoy it.
Also. Not to be gross, but a lot of stuff comes out of a woman’s vagina. The idea of someone’s mouth there can just be unappealing. I hope that your wife can overcome this, but if not, just understand that it doesn’t limit the ways you can please your wife; it simply wouldn’t BE pleasing to her. And that’s your goal, right? Pleasing your sweetheart?
It is quite common and possible to find sex feeling pleasurable yet not like it. It happens to people who are routinely molested, especially children, and can happen to rape victims, adding a whole new level of violation and intrusion.
As for oral sex, he can avoid the vagina all together and just focus on the clitoris. Nothing gooey comes out of the clitoris.
Libl, like you say, focus on her clitorus. Kiss her down there like I would kiss her mouth. I’m not wanting to tongue tickle her ovaries. I did tell her that would make my year if she allowed me. She laughed it off with a disgusted look asking why I would even want to do that.
I’m heaving just thinking about it. I’ve tried. I have issues with slimy stuff, the thought of putting a raw egg in my mouth makes me feel nauseated. Add to that a hot raw egg! Not feeling sexy at all anymore. 🙁 I’ve tasted it and it’s not at all appealing. I love him and will do many many things but this is not something I’ve been able to pull off yet. I’ll do oral all day long but it always ends with my hand or the real deal. And he’s ok with that. I think you addressed this readers concerns nicely though. I love how you give advice without belittling someone else’s hang ups.
It’s hot? It’s just warm. But whatever. As long as you are both happy with what you do, that’s all that matters. (And I’m sorry to make you heave. Wasn’t my intention! 😉 )
I love oral–giving and receiving! I’ve been graduating from a little foreplay, to bringing him all the way to orgasm, to deep throating as part of my technique….I want to swallow but will wait until after pregnancy when I’m not as likely to be nauseous and I can more readily get into other positions to help it go down. 😉 I just love how happy it makes my husband and how much he enjoys it. He does an amazing job for me as well.
One grossness tip, I like to use a lot of my own saliva, especially the first few minutes. That way I don’t taste anything at all and it provides lots of lube!! I also make sure I shower/shave every night before bed so I feel clean and able to receive oral without feeling yucky down there after a long day. Totally worth the extra work and effort to feel comfortable with it, ladies. It rocks! 😉
Also, our saying is when it comes to intimacy is “how can I serve my spouse?” And I find I’ve gotten just as much pleasure giving as I do receiving! It makes a wonderful sex life!
I’m an FRH (Frequently Refused Husband). All of this is in my dreams. We are currently in counseling. We’ve Never tried oral. Have wanted to (especially me on her) but I can’t imagine her ever wanting to put it inside her mouth. Not trying to take you off topic, but my wife doesn’t even like *touching* my penis without clothes on. She seems to think it’s gross even with a shower. Just asking – what would you suggest I do?
Tough situation. I previously answered a question from a wife who felt somewhat like yours: Q&A with J: How Can I Feel More Free Around His Naked Body?
But from your side of things, you need to talk to her and see if you can find out why she is so averse to touching you. I admit to wondering what she thought would happen when y’all got married; didn’t she know that touching IT was part of the deal? But maybe something in her history has made her believe that men’s genitals are distasteful somehow. You can also express why it’s important to you that she accept your body, which she could show more by touching you. It sounds oral sex isn’t going to happen, at least for a while, but you two need to start taking baby steps toward freer interaction in the marriage bed. That’s a quick answer, but I hope it helps. Many blessings!
Thank you very much. I’ll check out your post. I’m with you on that being part of the deal; believe me. Sex has been almost nonexistent since we got home from the honeymoon and talking about it leads to conflict. It’s been a very hard road for me.
“Sex has been almost nonexistent since we got home from the honeymoon”
What if conversation became non-existent?
What if physical touch of any kind became non-existent?
What if kindness and compassion became non-existent?
Would she then understand how hurtful it is for sex to become non-existent? And what does this say about your premarital counseling. I am beginning to wonder if the marriage licenses should all come with a statement:
WARNING: YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR PLEASURING THE OTHER PERSON’S NAKED BODY FREQUENTLY DURING EVERY WEEK OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF YOU ARE UNWILLING TO COMMIT TO THIS, SAVE US ALL A LOT OF TIME AND HASSLE AND DON”T GET MARRIED.”
Hah… as if my wife would ever even contemplate the thought. I’m lucky to get her mouth anywhere near my penis more than once every couple of years.
Then I hope you can invest in other ways of experiencing sexual pleasure. And maybe she’ll get there eventually. Blessings!
I thought I’d share how my husband and I get around this in the hope that how we do things might help someone else.
I really enjoy giving him oral but struggle with him ejaculating into my mouth for some of the reasons you mention (taste, consistency, gag reflex). This is definitely something I’m willing to work on and your post today is really helpful for that – thank you! However, the way we’re doing things at the moment means my husband says that for him personally ejaculating into my mouth would make no difference. When I’m giving him oral he taps me on the shoulder just before he’s about to ejaculate, I then move my mouth so I’m stimulating the area between his head and shaft (which is the one spot he finds most pleasurable anyway) and hold a couple of tissues over the end to catch the ejaculate. So this way I can get him all the way with just oral, we don’t have to pause to put on a condom or have the issue of a condom reducing sensitivity and I can cuddle in straight after and maintain the intimacy (rather than running off to go brush my teeth which is currently the only way I can manage not being sick!).
I’m not sure whether other husbands would agree but definitely a conversation worth having!
Thanks for the tip!
He taps you on the shoulder? Mine is yelling and hollering, “He’s coming!” I think the use of the third person pronoun is hilarious.
One thing that hasn’t been brought up yet, using oral sex when the “regular” way isn’t possible. I will give my husband oral sex when I am on my period, after childbirth, surgeries, or a night when I just don’t want the whole thing. Why should my husband be deprived because of something going on with me?
Look up 1 Corinthians 7:4. We need to submit our bodies to each other. My husband will work “forever” to make sure I go. Why can’t I return the favor and take care of him?
I love your attitude!
I don’t actually believing it’s depriving your husband, as mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7:4, to need time to recover after childbirth or a surgery. But if you’re willing and able, I’m sure your husband appreciates the experience. Many blessings!
When I used the word deprived, I was thinking more about the times when I just don’t feel like the whole thing. Guess I should have been a little more clear with how I worded that.
I have seen many marriages damaged because of sexual refusal around pregnancy, childbirth, nursing and even long-term illness. At the time the man needs the most intimacy, he can be pushed aside. And then is painted as an animal or unloving because he is hurt and confused. This is very damaging to young husbands, and I believe 1 Corinthians 7:1-4 does apply here. A _mutual_ agreement needs to be reached on this, and this is where other forms of sexual intimacy besides PIV intercourse must be brought into the marriage bed, ie. manual sex, oral, etc. And, husband like to bring their wife pleasure outside PIV as a loving act in these situations. This helps intimacy immensely. A lot of trouble and deep misunderstanding could be avoided if this were counseled and practiced.
1 Corinthians 7 has become a cruel joke in my life. I have five children. For each child the following was true:
9 months of sexlessness for the pregnancy
3 months of sexlessness for post-partum pain and emotional issues
18 months of extremely limited sexual contact because of breast feeding leaving her libido non-existent. The sex during the period is begrudging.
After 30 months or more, depending on how long she breastfeeds, the sex will begin to kick in for a few times until she gets pregnant again even when a condom is used.
I get all the responsibilities of breadwinning, diaper changing, limited sleep, massive financial stress, and constant second guessing from in-laws without any of the sexual benefits that might normally be expected.
After the last child I finally quit hoping my sex life would improve and became convinced that I represented some kind of karmic balance for all of the guys who get sexed up all the time, get women pregnant and skip out on them to go on to their next sexual conquest.
How old is your last child?
I always encourage people to push themselves a little at a time sexually, but don’t feel pressure to go all in right away because it’ll lead to negative sexual experiences. That’s never a help to intimacy in marriage. But that’s just it- isn’t it? The ultimate goal from both husband and wife is to build intimacy through their sex life. When you both work towards intimacy, it gives you different motivation and helps you desire to come up with solutions to the problem. I believe the dear reader is doing that and she’ll get there eventually.
Great point! I agree about taking progressive steps, rather than trying to jump in where you know you’re gonna freak out. So to speak. 😉 Thanks for adding that!
Well, I’ll be brave and respond here, because I think there are a variety of experiences and my own experience has, frankly, surprised me. All my life since learning there was such a thing as OS, I said, why would any woman do that, how disgusting, how selfish of him, etc. Then, a few months into my marriage, my husband asked if I’d be willing to try it. I started with just a little kiss but over time I have become probably one of the world’s best OS practitioners; I send my husband to the moon, and I find it very exciting. Yet I do feel a little guilty, because it does seem that there’s something improper or gross about it (and my church teaches that it’s not ok for him to finish that way, due to procreation). You know, when men say about a woman “She likes the d***”, it never sounds like a compliment.
I honor my husband’s humility – yes, humility! – in being a passive participant, in giving me this power over him. For us, OS is my ‘warm-up’ time, but at least once a week he ‘finishes’ with it. I spit and he’s never said anything about it, and frankly, he’d be pretty small minded if he did!
Awaken Love has great tips about what you can do along with the oral that really ramps it up – so if you aren’t crazy about oral, J’s suggestions about just stimulating parts of his organs, plus using your hands on his pelvic area and ‘down below’ can make up for not wanting to do the whole thing. I was willing to try something I was so much against and was quite surprised, perhaps it will be the same for you.
I never saw a man’s parts before my husband’s and for some reason I thought they’d be dark and slimy, but not so, at least not for my husband. He is circumcised, though. Never having seen the other kind, I don’t know how much difference that makes.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Although I have to ask — You know, when men say about a woman “She likes the d***”, it never sounds like a compliment — when do men ever say that? Who says that?! Maybe I’m living in a bubble on this one, but I’ve never heard that in my life, and I’m usually not clueless on these things. Anyone?
I have heard this specific phrase and a variation of it many times… mostly during my husband’s military days. I cannot remember It ever being used specifically talking about oral sex though. In the times I heard it was really used as another way of saying a woman is a sl** without actually using the term. Definitely not used as a compliment!
Yeah, yuck. Men, don’t say that. That’s terrible.
Earlier on this thread an anonymous commenter asked about the percentage of Christian couples who engage in oral sex. I’m curious about that, too. It’s ironic, but one of the reasons I used to say I never wanted to date a Christian man was that all the Christian couples I ever talked to were flatly against oral sex, said it was wrong, gross, not what God intended, only PIV was God’s way, etc. I made the mistake of thinking all Christians were like that. Since I was far away from God at that time, I’d already had my share of sexual experiences, and happen to love both giving and receiving oral sex. There was no way I was going to give that up. So, when I rededicated my life to Christ and met/married my now husband, what does God in His sense of humor do? Give me someone who is the best at oral that I’ve ever met. It’s like He was saying, “See, you don’t have to give anything up when you’re with someone who follows Me, you get it in more abundance.” LOL. Not currently, as he’s battling health problems, but I know we’ll get back to it. But seriously, why are so many Christians against it? I’ve never understood that.
I have this theory that sometimes it’s just that the naysayers are the most vocal. While a larger percentage of people are quietly engaging in behaviors that aren’t sinful, but they just don’t volunteer what they’re doing, to avoid the earful they’d get if they did. Growing up in a conservative church, I saw this with drinking and dancing. The naysayers spoke up a lot, but plenty of people drank wine or beer at home and we youth group members went dancing but didn’t tell some church people that we did. I wonder if oral sex is like that too: It was happening plenty in marriages, but you mostly heard from the people who said it shouldn’t be. Just a thought.
And I’m glad God brought you a great husband!
Todays Christian Woman actually did a sex survey that covered this. I can’t find how many respondants there were to it, tho.
Do you and your spouse have oral sex?
5% Did once
38% Did more than once
40% Do regularly
17% Have not done at all
Since this is a christian magazine, I’m assuming that the majority of the respondents are christians, or at least profess it. So only 22% have done it 0-1 times, 40% do it regularly, and 38% did more than once.
So 78% seem to make it something thats at oral sex is a part of their marriage bed.
This means to me that if you refuse to do/receive oral sex , you are not in the majority, but in the minority.
Here’s something interesting:
If you’re not satisfied, why?
38% Our busy schedule
62% Sexual inhibitions/dysfunction
15% Marriage troubles
13% Illness (me or spouse)
Sexual inhibitions could include refusing to do/receive oral sex.
Next question seems to indicate that at 56% have sex AT LEAST once a week, if not more.
How often do you have sex?
5% Once a day
33% 2 or more times a week
18% Once a week
21% 2-3 times a month
9% Once a month
7% A few times a year
7% Sex? What’s that?
Very interesting. That’s from 2008, and I wonder if the percentages have changed any. (There are a lot more statistics in the survey, if anyone wants to go take a look.) I also could not find the number of respondents anywhere in the article. Thanks for sharing!
I have a slightly different twist on this one.
I’m a low drive spouse. We were encouraged to watch a little porn to increase my arousal.
Many councilors recommend this…….DON’T do it!
Happens that what we watched was oral sex. It was an aggressive scene with the guy plugging the woman’s nose, etc. won’t go any farther…it was degrading, non-erotic (to me), and so ‘male using female’ for his pleasure driven. Turned me completely off! Burned a horrible image in my brain. That was years ago and it still pops up when I try to accommodate.
Sorry, that one porn scene ruined oral for both my husband and myself.
Why, oh why, do counselors suggest this?! Porn IS degrading, because it treats people like sex objects. You’re supposed to be pursuing sexual intimacy in marriage! I’m so sorry that you were given such poor advice. There are far better ways to increase your arousal. Two of my podcast colleagues do a great job at addressing low-drive wives. Maybe you could check them out: The Forgiven Wife and/or OysterBed7. Sheila Gregoire also offers a video course (for a very reasonable price) specifically to help low drive wives; you can find an affiliate link for that online class on the right sidebar of my blog. Wishing you all the best!
To be able to finish in my wife’s mouth is a long one dream for me. We only spoke about it once. It wasn’t me asking because it was before we got married but she hadn’t been a Christian for so long and she had in a relationship with a guy for several years before she became a Christian and it seems like they did a lot of things. It wasn’t appropriate but she let me ask her the things they did and she answered. She had done most things oral … but one time we spoke about swallowing and she only said that it was disgusting and smelled bad and that she would never do that. She never told me that she had done it with him but I thin so because of how she described it. Now that we are married we have done a lot of things , she likes oral and has recently been enjoying it more especially when I am giving it to her … What I’m trying to say is that considering that swallowing shouldn’t be so hard but that’s where she draws the line I think. I only mentioned it once but she was very firm with that she wouldn’t try it. I haven’t asked after that. I would like to, not to push her because I can’t enjoy a sexual act if she isn’t enjoying it as much as I am but seeing the comments from women who disliked it but now likes it maybe there is hope. I just don’t know how to bring it up. She doesn’t like to talk about sex now that we are married.
About it being selfish, I don’t really understand that. My wife often wants me to massage her but she never massages me. I would like that but she does it for one minute and gets tired. I could say that she is selfish and that I won’t do it anymore but it’s a way to show her I love her. If that’s one thing I can do with love without expecting anything back isn’t that beautiful. The same goes for oral. She hasn’t been able to do it because she’s pregnant and feels ill but I don’t feel she is selfish because I’m the only one doing it. Its like a gift i am giving her.
My wife actually likes the taste of pre come. She says it tastes sweet. She’ll try and “knead” all she can out while performing oral. She will let me finish in her mouth but will promptly spit it out in a towel right after. I would love her to try swallowing just once, but it is certainly no deal breaker that she doesn’t. I’m thankful that she does what she does and enjoys doing it!
Maybe this is just a completely off the wall idea but a lot of women describe a taste, texture, temperature aversion to semen.
Perhaps she could have some chocolate pudding, a smoothie, ice cream or similar by the beside and she could mix the come into that and eat it? I realize it might take away from the moment and it isn’t exactly what he wants but it could be an acceptable substitute.
Also, I am a big fan of not asking your wife to do something you wouldn’t do yourself – if you (husband) find the taste of your own ejaculate replusive then it’s asking a lot to have your wife swallow. It might be worth it to ‘test it’s as you employ various strategies especially if you are looking at increasing hydration or making diet changes.
I personally don’t understand the come aversion but those were just some of my thoughts on it.
My wife and I have had great communication in our marriage and we have always strived to do so and be united in all fronts. However, we never really communicated about oral sex and our feelings associated with it. We did it a few times per year, but mostly on her and never to “completion” for either one of us. Last year, we finally talked more about our feelings surrounding this and a lot of other issues presented themselves. Our communication led us to go from beyond the physical to being strengthened emotionally and spiritually to the point we now feel truly intimate with each other and seeing sex of all forms as a medium to show each other what we already feel inside – it’s just that now we know each other’ feelings whereas we were more quiet and reserved about them in the past. I still think that’s it’s crazy that we could go for 17 years having what we thought was an incredible sex life to something we couldn’t have imagined.
We do oral regularly now – sometimes as the main event, sometimes as foreplay, and sometimes not at all. We see it as another way of being unselfish to each other. I think a lot of this really is mental. If I’m on the giving end, I’ve found that it helps her road to orgasm and climax to tell her every once in a while that I’m really enjoying it and love giving it to her. That way she feels comfortable receiving it. When she feels loved and intimate this way, she is way more willing to give to me. She’s never had a problem with the “pre-” semen, but the ejaculate has been a different story. I appreciate J’s discussion of the taste, texture, gag reflex, back of throat, different positions, etc in dealing with the ejaculate. To me, it’s the willingness to try as much as she feels comfortable that turns me on more than the actual act itself. If we have discussed all the various way to do oral with or without climax (and there are many), and I am feeling loved and confident in our relationship, then I will finish in whatever way she wants to receive it. She will decide in what way that may be. She knows that I enjoy going in her mouth very much – but I don’t feel that is the end result of oral sex and the pinnacle of all things sexual. It’s just another technique / position of many sexual techniques and positions, albeit one that is very pleasurable. If I know that she is willing to try and just can’t do it that day, I feel loved and cared for that she tried and I’m not disappointed in that. I think a lot of the willingness to give / receive oral sex stems from prior communication about oral sex. She knows that I LOVE to climax in her mouth, but she also knows that I’m not disappointed if she doesn’t do it because she tried and she took care of me another way. And isn’t trying things and caring for each other what marriage is all about?
Best suggestion I have for taste/texture: hot fudge or caramel sauce (not syrup). Doesn’t need to be heated, start out at room temp and it will warm up as you go. It’s a thicker texture to begin with, so you don’t feel as much of his texture. It also last longer than lube. Shower after then you can start all over again!
For a gag reflex, try using your hands too, that way he isn’t as deep in your mouth.
I wish I could offer help for the “ick” factor, but I have never felt that personally. I enjoy giving OS to my husband as much as he enjoys receiving (and vice versa). I know this is often deeply rooted, but I would suggest trying to shift your focus from the act itself to the gift you are giving your spouse. You’re being vulnerable and intimate in a way the challenges you to grow as well. Maybe alternate OS with something you naturally lick/suck on anyway, like a sucker or popsicle. Part of it could be visual foreplay and part physical.
Oh my. I know you meant that to be helpful but the idea of food on his penis just has me heaving. So, so gross to me! 🙁
I have a wonderful trick to help any wife who doesn’t like the taste or texture of semen, but still wants to give this pleasure to her husband. First, while performing oral sex, use your hand as an extension of your mouth. Literally connect your hand to your mouth so they are both pleasuring your husband at the same time. Have him tell you before he’s ready to come. When he does, put your tongue up to the roof of your mouth. It will act as a barrier so no semen touches your throat or tastebuds. Keep using you hand and mouth at the same time! When he finishes, immediately and discreetly, spit into a towel. I promise he’ll never know you had your tongue up to block the semen:) And you won’t taste much.
My wife used to swallow when we first got married. Now she says it upsets ger stomach. I have tried to adjust my diet. But now she won’t even try. Any suggestions?
Darby Schultz: I have actually found the opposite to be true for me, both in pregnancy with morning sickness and in general with nausea. I would try a starchy meal or snack an hour or so before and then some Tums directly before for her. For you, if you already changed your diet, try to drink a lot of water the few days before you ask her to try again. Maybe you could jointly up your citrus fruit intake (strawberry, kiwi, pineapple, and ironically celery can all help). Something else to consider is if you are taking (or have stopped taking) any medication from when she used to enjoy swallowing. For extra encouragement, you could start out giving OS to her until she climaxes and tell her how much you enjoy the way she tastes and that may help mentally in the moment for her. I would have an honest conversation with her about it long before you ever start making any changes so she doesn’t feel pressured or put on the spot by it though. Maybe she can describe more specifically how it upsets her stomach and will give you a clear direction to go in. Best of luck!
Can i just say first of all – where have you been all my life? I am def a high drive wife. Not always the case but i have generally enjoyed 90% of sexual acts with my husband. Been married 21 yrs (got married at 20 & started having kids at 21) a good bit of our early marriage was me being mom that being wife took over. When we first got together, i wasnt into OS much. He liked it so he taught me what he liked & didnt like. & i learned to enjoy it too. I’m willing to swallow more esp the last few years but he gets hung up on that more often than i do. Ive tried having him ejaculate on my face – he rarely can do that “cuz im his wife” & i guess that isnt wifely behavior. We have as another poster suggested finished on my breasts. I wish i wld have known about this post years ago before i made some seriously poor decisions that have now interfered with our intimate activities among other areas. Blessings to you all & i think its a personal area for each couple but one that shld be discussed & figured out. My church background made me feel shameful & hindering some things because of the sinful nature of sexual acts & it wasnt discussed expect in sinful scenarios so i never felt like certain things were ok. Thanks for such an open honest non-judgemental forum to discuss these things
I’m glad you enjoy your married sex life! Yes, we have a lot of freedom in the marriage bed.
I will say that most people find ejaculating on a face to be degrading. So it’s quite understandable that your husband declined. And you can find plenty of other things to do. Many blessings!
Your intro to this article reminded me of a tip I gleaned from sexologist Lindsay Doe on her “Sexplanations” YouTube channel. One of the things she suggested was both partners creating a sexual “Want, Will, Won’t” list. I think this could be a great way to open up communication between partners.
The general idea is that you compare lists with your spouse and then anything on one of the two “Won’t” lists is not asked for by the other partner. If the wife clearly does not want to swallow, then she shouldn’t be forced to do so, and if she knows the husband is not going to ask for it, it might create a safe space in which she feels the freedom to try it eventually.
This topic raises the question of why oral sex in general and swallowing in particular are so desired by men.
It’s not about physical pleasure. From a purely physical standpoint, my penis isn’t particularly picky about what touches it. On the contrary, for me as a man, oral sex is all about feelings of acceptance and emotional intimacy.
A prior commenter noted that we tend to protect our mouths from harmful stuff. In fact, I consider my mouth to be one of my most protected organs. So, when I place my mouth on my wife’s most sexually private organs and ingest her most private bodily fluids, it gives me intense feelings of closeness and intimacy. The mouth is also one of our most sexually expressive organs. One of the reasons passionate kissing is so pleasurable is the knowledge that I am sharing my wife’s saliva, germs and all. Our spit is becoming one. It’s intensely intimate, so much so that prostitutes are known not to kiss their clients. Oral sex is like French kissing on steroids.
When a wife joyfully places her husband’s most private organ into her most protected organ, he feels completely accepted by her, and if she swallows his semen, it screams the deepest intimacy.
30 years of marriage and not 1 BJ, my wife refuses to put it in her mouth, and this persons worried she won’t swallow? Get over it, there’s plenty of other ways for pleasure and to finish.
Yeah, I hear ya. I can see why it would be important to someone, and so it’s something you could work toward, but it certainly shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for feeling happy with your sexual intimacy.
As for your wife, I wonder if she understands what I wrote in this post: What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)
I have read this article as well as all the posts. So many people have brought out great points but there are more that I can add.
[A bit of description, which could be too erotically charged for some readers, edited out here.]
I get to experience my husband like nobody else experiences him; nobody else gets to know him like I do. I enjoy showing him this intense level of acceptance. This acceptance is extremely loving and bonding in our marriage. So ladies, I encourage you to love your husbands in this way.
This is a wonderful attitude! Few women will ever consider accepting their husbands this way.
It’s not every wife, but it’s more than “a few.” I agree that attitude is lovely.
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I have come to the conclusion that I cannot continue to read articles like this and the associated comments because it is way too depressing. Recently I purchased some edible massage oils that I wanted to incorporate into our sex life. Did I hope it might lead to receiving oral sex? Sure, but I would have been happy just to experiment with the different flavors and different parts of the body. Hers as well as mine.
Unfortunately, before I even opened the package containing the four small bottles, my wife angrily told me to put them away. “Put those away. I’m not sucking your d**k! You can forget about that!”
I was so stunned at the swiftness of her rejection along with the tone of anger. I asked her why she had to be so angry about it and her reply was that it made her “feel guilty.”
So it seems to me that, while we are talking about the selfishness of the requestor who may push too hard to get oral sex, we must also talk about the selfishness of the refuser who angrily turns their spouse away and shuts off ALL forms of playful sexual expression that falls outside of the narrow constraints of PIV.
Given that she was very promiscuous before our wedding with all of her previous boyfriends, I realized that it wasn’t that she didn’t like oral sex. She just doesn’t like it with me, her husband.
It could be that her past experiences in that regard were not positive and she doesn’t want to repeat that. But I agree that her response was overly defensive. In fact, while I hear you on not reading posts like this (see Should You Be Reading My Blog?), I do have a post tomorrow that deals with reactions like the one your wife had. Anyway, you might want to read that one at least. Blessings!
sorry rickyb. it is unfortunate that your wife had such a sharp negative reaction. maybe at a time when it isnt a hot topic you can ask her why she had such a reaction & why she isn’t interested. pretty sure her reaction is about something with her not about you. hopefully she’ll be willing to open up if she knows there’s no expectation just wanting to understand.
I confronted her with a lengthy email dissertation and her response was not that she was disinterested in sex, but that she had just lost her sexual attraction to me a long time ago and it has never come back. She is not interested in doing anything in the bedroom that involves experimentation, exploration, or creativity because that would involve a level of emotional investment in the marriage bed that she is not prepared to give. She said that the only reason she ever has sex with me is out of guilt. Unfortunately, I am the problem according to her. I have told her that I think she is bundling up all of her resentments and guilt stemming from before we met and combining it with a few legitimate issues with me and turning it into a great big ball of resentment against me alone. She can’t take it out on the kids or anyone else. She can’t blame God because that would be unChristian. So I am the designated scapegoat for all problems whether I am to blame or not. And I am to blame for some of it and have apologized to no avail.
Ugh. You can’t just go all “I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling…” on your spouse! Anyway, I’d be asking for my spouse to go see a counselor and talk about getting that lovin’ feeling back. She obviously does feel resentful or isolated, for whatever reason, and that needs to be dealt with for the whole marriage. I feel for ya, man. Hang in there. Don’t give up. Praying.
again – im really sorry. i commend you for taking your part of the blame. she has to work thru her issues in her time just as any of us do. i wld suggest (if you havent already & without knowing anything else about you or your relationship) going to counseling for yourself or as a couple if she’s willing. i would caution tho that dragging her if she isnt ready or willing wont make anything better or different. praying you all can find your way.
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