Lately, I’ve noticed a trend in my comments section—more men, fewer women. By a rather substantial ratio.
When I began this blog in December 2010, I intended to reach wives who wanted more information and guidance about sex in marriage from a Christian perspective. But I’ve also posted plenty of times with husbands and couples in mind. Still, my readership reflects about a 60/40 split of women to men, so the majority of readers are still wives.
So why aren’t wives commenting as much anymore?
I genuinely want to know. Because I’d like to hear more from wives, to take in and consider their perspective, to speak to their concerns, and to involve them fully in conversations about intimacy in marriage.
Rather than write a post on sex today, I’m asking you to write to me. Wives, please tell me why you don’t comment or why you stopped commenting.
And gentlemen, please let this comment thread be dedicated to the ladies. Today is our day to simply listen, and I suspect you could learn as well from what these wives say.
What is my comments policy?
And in case you’re wondering, not long ago I updated my comments policy, and it’s reprinted below.
Hot, Holy, and Humorous was started as a site geared toward wives, though I have written many posts for couples and husbands as well. While I welcome all readers, I prioritize wives, so my comment policy reflects that focus.
All comments are reviewed by the administrator before they are posted. Some common reasons a comment may not appear:
Too revealing, graphic, or inappropriate.
I’m pretty liberal here, given the subject matter, but examples of TMI might be crass terminology or detailed descriptions of sexual acts.
Feel free to agree, disagree, or add your own knowledge, opinions, and insight to the subject matter. However, refrain from personal insults. They don’t further the conversation or persuade anyone.
Continuing the discussion past its usefulness.
So you disagreed with me, I responded, you replied, I answered, and so on. And really, 3-4 comments into that discussion, if you’re still trying to make your point or have the last word, I may just move on. Both of us would be better served to use our time elsewhere.
Monopolizing the conversation.
This may sound stereotypical, but I’ve had eight years running this blog to know that some men will comment in such a way that monopolizes the conversation, dismisses women wanting to add their say, and generally takes over the comment thread. After years of trying to smoothly manage that, I will be using the delete button more. Because ultimately, this is a site I want geared toward wives. (And yes, if a woman monopolizes the conversation, of course I’ll treat that the same.)
A question or comment that has nothing to do with the subject of the post.
So I wrote about oral sex, and you asked about positions. Or maybe I dealt with ways wives can be more engaged, and you think I should have covered how men should be more engaged. I get it: You want your situation addressed, maybe even need your situation addressed. But that’s not the point of the post, and I have over 850 posts you can search, one of which might have your answer. If you want to suggest a post topic, head over to my contact page.
Links to other sites.
While I regularly recommend resources and products I am familiar with and trust, Hot, Holy, and Humorous is not an aggregator of sites or links related to sex in marriage. If a commenter adds a link to a comment that I’m not familiar with, I may delete the comment rather than investigate, since detouring to check out those links takes away time I’d rather spend writing blog posts and books. Also, if a link goes to a site I strongly disagree with, obviously that will end up in the discard pile.
This blog will not facilitate sales for other sites. From time to time, I may suggest a book or product, and there may be an affiliate link on my site; such recommendations are my own discretion. But vendors should use their own sites to promote their products.
Not all Christians interpret every verse in the Bible the same way. I am absolutely open to healthy, respectful debate. However, teachings that could cause harm to my readers may be passed over, as I have some responsibility for what appears on my site.
My comments policy can be summed up by Luke 6:31 (NASB): Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.
You may comment using your name, a nickname, or Anonymous. (Anonymous is by far my most frequent commenter. *smile*)
I read all comments and reply to as many as I can; yet time is limited. Please know that I appreciate your feedback, whether I am able to respond or not. If you ask me a question in your comments, I try to answer within a day or two. If I take longer, it’s usually because I’m praying and deeply considering my answer to your scenario. I appreciate your patience.
I welcome input. I enjoy conversation. I appreciate all readers.
May God bless your marriage and your sex life!
Let the feedback begin!
110 thoughts on “Wives, Why Aren’t You Commenting?”
I don’t comment because I agree with almost everything you say. I love your blog and the Facebook pages you run. My lack of comments only indicates that I’m please with the material you publish.
yes!! same here!!
HHH is very insightful and helpful to me as I seek to understand the female perspective, which aids in conversing with my wife. It’s also helpful to my wife; she’s not alone in how she thinks and feels about sex.
I avoid responding because I think it’s most helpful if ladies have their own space. If I can listen and learn, that’s good enough for me.
So ladies, please continue on freely and safely. I’ll be in the corner…taking copious notes.
Thanks for reading!
Your posts are public and wives do not want their facebook friends reading something deeply personal. Some wives are at the end of their rope, have read it all, have done everything suggested, and realize that they can’t make the marriage work on their own so they continue to belong but watch from a distance now. We are tired. We hear the same thing. We don’t want to argue with someone who thinks they have all the answers. We are waiting for God to move. And maybe we are relying on Him more than facebook advice. 🙂
Great response!!! Especially on the fact that the posts are public on FB!!!! And on the fact that we are waiting on God!!! 😀
I agree about the facebook public part. I commented about toys and my husband (who doesn’t have fb, but still lurks on mine to see all of his friends posts, team’s fb posts, etc ?) saw my answer and was horrified that I’d put that “out there.” I told him no one I knew was in the group, but it still bothered him, so I took it down.
I would say for me that if I agree and have nothing to add or ask a question about I don’t comment. I have never commented before here.
I agree. I’m not going to add my two cents if they’ve already been spoken. I do comment at times but only if I think I’m adding something new. Generally, I just got the “like” button
Yes. I totally agree with this comment. I am happy with the content. And added information or a different point of view is often found in the comments and I find I have nothing better to add.
But since I am now commenting I will say. Thank you honey for stepping out and making time to discuss this topic and educate people on this very important and natural, not dirty or shameful, gift of marriage.
Thank you, Viki!
I don’t comment on the blog because I mostly read it from my email . Then if I do want to comment I tend to do it within one of your FB group pages- which you often post within the group so I comment directly there.
I tend to not comment because I always catch myself with “why would my opinion matter? There are already 6 different thoughts here that reflect my own, and I’m certainly not an expert on any of these.”
I’ll comment here, but not on Facebook, because I don’t want my comment showing up on people’s feeds. I also agree with the vast majority of your posts.
As a wife…Most often I find of interest blogs that are older, either through a search here or in a “Blast from the Past” type post listed on the FB group. Most of the time the comments are closed on those blog articles so I can’t comment. There are many times I would have commented only to find the comments were closed. In instances where that is not the case, after reading the comments of others, anything I might add would be redundant or the question I had was answered in the comments. These are the only reasons I don’t often comment.
The only thing I would change is not closing the comments on blog posts. And that might make it too hard for you to keep up with, which I totally understand. Other than that, I wouldn’t change a thing!
Yeah, it is hard. That was a tough decision to make. But the comments section archives after a year. Perhaps I could make that period longer, but if someone comments on a blog post from, say, 2011, I have to re-read the whole post and then the comment before I can answer. And that gets time-consuming. Sorry, y’all!
I hadn’t thought about you having to reread everything on an older post…but that certainly makes sense. (I’d probably have to reread anything from a couple months ago if I had written it…LOL!) Again, totally understand. It’s just something I noticed from my experience. But then I just found your blog about six months ago, so I went back and read a lot of your past articles. Really helped turn my thinking (and marriage) around!
Well, I’m glad you found me! Welcome. ♥
I only comment if I have something to add, but if someone prior has already said it? I leave it alone and like or love the post.
If I don’t have anything pertinent to add or a question to ask, I likely won’t comment. Or if my comment would share too much about my and my husband’s sex life, I would refrain from commenting then as well. I don’t think I’ve ever disagreed with anything I’ve read here so that is another reason– if a blog post gets me riled up because I strongly disagree with it I usually say something! 🙂
Also, I don’t read blogs as much as I used to. Blogs in general, but even marriage/sex blogs. My husband and I are doing great with our marriage and sex life so there aren’t any specific questions I need answered, or things I need help with at the moment.
One thing that might encourage MORE comments is a really specific question, and not just at the end of the post but near the beginning– because not everybody reads all blog posts to the end. If you clearly ask for feedback, you might get more. 🙂
Because I care about what other people think of me, I don’t want it public what I am going through. Using “anonymous” isn’t good enough because people will know it is me (since they have “some” of the information, but not the whole truth).
Well, for my part it’s not immediately obvious from my screen name that I’m female.
I’ve also kind of taken a break from marriage blogs because my routine changed rather drastically after I graduated. I’ve been hanging out on Quora more than on blogs. Maybe it’s time to move back.
We’re in our fourth year of marriage and our intimacy has been rather reduced this year due to time stress. And we don’t even have children yet! Reading blogs on sex specifically is useful, because it’s pretty easy for me to forget that sex exists if I don’t make an effort to think about it.
I generally don’t comment on blog posts. I enjoy the Facebook group and am more likely to comment there. If I agree with someone else, or have the same idea, I like the comment, or don’t say anything.
Facebook is easier than checking back on the blog. So I generally comment there on the private group if I’m going to comment or ask a question.
I enjoy your blog posts and generally keep up with reading them as well as listening to the podcast.
Some things I’d enjoy more of (I know you’ve written tons):
-Creative ideas for keeping things interesting and fun-we all slack so much in that area and need reminders. Those “idea posts” are so nice to read together and take away the awkward “what new thing should we try?” Lol
-Building and keeping your friendship with your spouse.
-How to find and build a sex and marriage positive community. How to encourage your friends in strengthening their intimacy (so many hurting friends in this area).
-Addressing cultural trends when it comes to sex and how they may or may not align with scripture.
-Helping WIVES who are walking through their husband’s struggle with porn. The number of wives in this category is growing and needs more regular attention with practical advice for the daily struggle they’re going through as their husbands recover. I guess more than just the traditional advice.
-Writing to the high drive wives.
Just my thoughts! Thank you, as always, for your incredible work. You’ve blessed my marriage more than you’ll ever know.
Thanks for the ideas!
I second the topics of helping wives whose husbands struggle with porn as well as wives who are the higher drive. I’ve been both in the past year. I actually find those two go hand in hand. I think porn can bring a man’s “drive” for his wife down, which makes the wife feel like she’s high drive when really she probably wouldn’t be or would be average if her husband’s sexual energies weren’t being spent elsewhere.
I often don’t comment because the topic at hand does not discuss anything I’m dealing with personally or have been recently. Though if a topic like that does come up, I like to add my two cents and tell my story or perspective because I’ve read many blog posts where commenter’s posts have encouraged me or at the very least made me feel less alone. I like to do the same for others.
I’ve commented a few times in the past but not recently. I’ve been turned off by the number of male commenters and sometimes by the content of their comments. If J writes a post with advice for women, from a woman’s perspective, it’s off-putting when several male regulars think they have much more advice to give. Sometimes the male comments have been helpful to me for sure, but I too was wondering why the comments section is all guys. Thanks for addressing the question! Thanks also for the important work you do. All aspects of my marriage are better than ever at 18 years in, and your blog is a big reason for that. Thank you J!!
I feel the same way as M. The whole comment actually. I homeschool 2 young children, so I read and dash! Though I would love to write comments on some of your fabulous blog post! 😉 My husband and I have a healthy, thriving sex life, and I thank you for that. You provide so much useful content, and I have never felt more confident about that area of my life.
The last several topics have not applied to me (imo), so I have not felt compelled to comment. In the past when my participation has been higher, sometimes a question or idea I’ve thrown out for comment from other readers (or you!) gets no response – which made me wonder if my post was either too revealing or off-topic and others were looking away and clearing their throats, as it were. This hasn’t been the reason recently but it’s discouraging to put oneself out there and get no feedback (which I suppose you can identify with lately! :)).
Terry-I feel that too!!! You aren’t alone.
I don’t comment much at all on facebook. I am more of a lurker.
I LOVE your posts and I am so blessed when reading your posts.
May God continue to bless you and your ministry.
I have commented some, but not very often, for a few different reasons.
– I have noticed, in myself, a tendency to talk when sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut. So I’ve been working, both in person and in online talking, to only chiming in when I have something that I think adds to the conversation, not just for the sake of hearing myself talk.
-I now have 2 kids under 2, and often am interrupted and read things in fits and starts, so I don’t always know if I catch everything in a post or if what I think makes sense to anyone but me
-I’m active in both of the HHH Facebook groups, and comment much more there, partly because I like that it’s a closed group, and partly because I simply am on Facebook more.
Much like “wife in ALL the groups” I often wonder why my opinion would even matter, which I know is a little weird considering I don’t have that thought about the comments of others. Also like many have said, I typically agree with what you have to say. I need to get better at telling a blogger “good job!” when appropriate…I’m just really, really tired and a bit overrun by little people most days.
Oh, I don’t need the “good job” attagirls, though I appreciate them. I just want to make sure I’m getting the wives’ perspective!
Hi!!! I enjoy reading your blog! It was recommended to me when I first got married and it has been great! I especially enjoy when you recommend certain products or like that Christian sex position site! Things I would have never come across on my own. I appreciate how you come from a Biblical approach and it’s such an issue that needs talked about among Christians. I don’t comment because I normally read from my email and just don’t think about it! However, I know what it’s like to want to hear from people and not just put things out into the abyss! You are making a difference!!
I receive your blog via email but have not been reading them for a wee while as my husband left me two years ago and I wasn’t In a place to read it but I knew your content is great and very valuable and i thought if I unsubscribed I might loose you and not be able to find you when I was ready to return to reading your topics. But your heading caught my eye ?
Oh, I’m so sorry. May God bring you daily comfort and strength.
Most women do not comment because we agree with what you say, and thank you for telling our husbands what they really do not understand when it comes from us. We are so different emotionally and physically that we don’t understand each other.
I don’t comment because, on Facebook – which is where I read your blog, all comments on a public page are made public and even shared with my friends. I don’t want my friends and family to know anything about my sex life or intimacy in my marriage. So while I like to read your blog, I don’t necessarily want anyone else to know that I do or why.
Same response as others have said- I usually always agree with what you say and have no comments to share; however, other than an occasional thumbs up on Facebook, I’m not comfortable commenting there because of privacy concerns.
I sometimes feel the comment section turns into a bit of a one-upmanship exercise from husbands. Almost trying to outsmart you. Comments along the style of “I appreciate your point of view J but, in my case, I am perfect and my wife does not respond appropriately “ etc. So I know that is too simplistic for sure, but I would feel unsure about entering into this type of debate over such a personal area of my life.
Having said that, it is sometimes nice to hear an opinion from a male point of view.
Please know that my marriage is better than ever having found your blog and my lack of participation does not mean I feel unconnected, just a little shy.
Thank you from the U.K.
I’m usually a reader and not a commenter… But I do enjoy reading your blogs. As far as men commenting, I think their opinions are very important. I actively search for a man’s opinion so I know how they think about things, something I wish I did years a ago before my man and I started to think about separation…
I stopped commenting because I’m a HD wife and a lot of the posts are frustrating for me (totally not your fault, just how it is). I work reeeeeeallllllyyyyyy hard to do all the right wife things and it’s never enough. Still praying that my husband’s heart will change one day!
I comment more on the closed facebook pages. I read all your blog posts I just dont always have anything to add. You do a great job and offer lots of good pointers. I have been married many years but one can always improve the relationship and the sex.
I don’t comment much because often I agree/the topic doesn’t really pertain to me.
A few times I have gone to comment only to find a bunch of men commenting – this is off-putting because I don’t want to even have the slightest possibility having a discussion on something with another man besides my husband when it comes to intimacy (not including a counsellor for an issue). I’m comfortable having a discussion with women on intimate topics, but not men. Kind of feels like joining a room and wanting to talk about it… and then it turns out it’s full of men. Thanks but I’m going to back away. Lol.
And generally I don’t comment on Facebook because while I love and appreciate your content, i’d Die if my brother/uncle/best man at our wedding saw my comments.
Fifthly and lastly, I most often read it in my inbox and don’t tend to click over to your site because of time constraints.
J — I read each and every post. Some quickly so its more like scanning, and some more closely or a 2nd time, but I read them all. But I read them in my email. I talk to Hubby about them, I love reading your stuff. But I don’t usually comment. I’m not sure what to say, if anything, and, honestly, I’m one busy woman. I’ve got part time paid work, plus the family business, plus homeschooling and all the mom-things. And in all this, you keep me queued in on the important! Thank you!
Of course you’re all busy! Hang in there, Mama!
I mainly read on FB as the background on the blog is difficult for my eyes. The pattern on the sides of the column is very distracting and it’s hard for me to focus and read the blog.
Huh. I have never heard that before. Interesting.
I’m hesitant to say it, but I have to agree with M and a couple others above. I’ve also noticed the trend towards male commenters and I adore my husband and have nothing against men HONEST, but the comments section just feels less…safe, I guess. It’s occasionally been a little cringe-worthy both in sexual detail and argumentative ness from the male perspective. I’m guessing that sometimes women already have an idea that if they post stuff what type of argument/discussion will ensue and it’s slightly off-putting. Along with that, while I still very much appreciate your blog your posts have felt less practical and applicable to me personally this last year or so. Please do keep up and good work and don’t let us discourage you:)
I want to amend something I said. I actually VALUE hearing a male opinion as well. I don’t think this needs to be an entirely female space, even if that’s your general main intended audience. But I’ve been put off mainly by a COUPLE of common male commenters I’ve noticed here and the predictable tone of their comments and responses to others comments.
I am newly married and am in the tricky spot where I know my mom and sister in law read your blog. Whenever I type out a comment I often end up choosing not to post it because it could be seen and recognized by a family member, and that just feels awkward to me. Even though we occasionally discuss sex in the real world, it makes me not want to post for some reason? Maybe I’ll take advantage of that anonymous pseudonym…
I personally don’t comment much because I’m sexually frustrated. No matter how much I speak, read or send my husband websites. He won’t go outside the VA to get his pre-ejaculation issues checked out. They tell him he is fine. But I know he is not fine. So I suffer in silence like I have since 2006. Hoping I’ll read a post that I can send him that will make him realize we have a huge problem.
Too shy! Read mostly your Facebook posts and am afraid real life friends would see. That being said I appreciate your work.
I guess I don’t comment because you must approve comments before they post. But that’s just me. Otherwise, I pretty much agree with all you have to say. Keep up the good work!
J, my husband and I love you and the advice/topics you discuss. We both read the blog and also are podcast listeners. I don’t comment because I am listening to what you are saying and if it is relevant to my life I try to apply it. Love your insight.
I rarely comment in general because I either agree with what you said or don’t want to publish too many personal details. I don’t want to put myself out there and not get a response.
I really enjoy your blog and it was recommended after stumbling across the Forgiven Wife’s blog. Your blog, and a few others, has helped me to understand my sexuality better. I used to wonder if I was broken but now I understand myself.
Do you ever respond to comment directly to their emails?
Aw, thanks! Yes, I do sometimes respond directly. Albeit not often, because of lack of time. I wish I could, but…
I don’t comment and I don’t read all your post. I do enjoy the podcast you do with the other ladies at sex chat for wives. But I found myself getting frustrated because what I find on these blogs doesn’t match my life. My husband has ADHD and that effects our sex life! Plus injuries from being a Marine. And like Amy mentioned, the VA is really not concerned with his sex life and meds do interfere. So I feel it’s dumb to frustrate myself reading what isn’t going to help and smart to enjoy what I do have. Because keeping my attitude happy is pretty important in our situation.
I used to comment a bit more, but I’ve stopped posting on here. I do however comment in the mixed gender closed group. I stopped for a couple of reasons;
1) Some friends of mine saw me liking your posts and jumped on the band-wagon, so I know they are reading your blog and I do not want them to see my comments. I’m embarrassed that I left some with a name that *might* be traced back to me. I’m more careful about what I post in the online group too – same reason. So yay for spreading the word, boo to the restrictions I feel because of that!
2) My comments were all made during a specific season of our marriage, and now we are in a totally different one. In other words, partly thanks to you and the blog, the problems we had when I first sought out the blog have been resolved. Now we have different challenges, but overall we have a pretty good sex life. We often talk about your posts together, and of course my husband is the best to “comment” to, because it means we sort things out, get new ideas, clarify our thinking etc.
3) As others have said, if I have nothing useful to add, or the topic just doesn’t apply to us, then I don’t see a need to comment.
On the issue of men commenting, these are my thoughts; While I do like hearing a man’s perspective, it’s not often that useful to us, as I married an unusual man. Male comments can be a useful conversation starter though.
Thanks for what you do, you’ve certainly helped our marriage!
I would comment, but so many of the one’s I’d like to comment on are now “closed” to comments. So, I gave up trying.
I archive comments a year after the post goes live. Given the comments here, I may extend that time.
Generally its a time factor but I agree with most. I comment when I have time
I read all of your posts but never comment. This might sound terrible, I love what you have to say but the comments I sometimes find boring and other times borderline offensive.
As some others have said, sometimes it seems like commenters, most often the men, spend a lot of time disagreeing and dare I say oversharing. It’s not a place where I would feel comfortable participating in the conversation and I’m not really looking to interact or build community anyway. I love your posts, but the comments are not for me. I rarely read them anymore.
I don’t comment on posts because while the blog is public, the Facebook group is private, and I prefer to ask questions there.
I appreciate the anonymous comment option, but I’d rather discuss these kinds of things as myself, in a group of trusted people, rather than on a blog where anyone can see.
I get your posts via email and I honestly just haven’t really read them lately. Maybe I haven’t been getting the emails? I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately because of some eCourses I signed up for through the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle so maybe I’m experiencing email overload. Maybe I’ve just scanning through your posts briefly and not considering anything beyond that. Or maybe I have read them but they didn’t apply to me so I don’t remember reading them… if something is not important to me, it just doesn’t stick in my head. For example, I couldn’t tell you how old any of my friends are—I know they’re all within a few years up or down of my age, but as for their actual ages, it just doesn’t matter to me so I don’t remember it. I also can’t tell you what you’ve been writing about for the last little while. They probably haven’t applied to me or just haven’t caught my interest.
I never really comment because I pretty much always agree. I just enjoy reading the blog post and if I have some questions in my mind, I read the comments and often find my answers there.
I just want to say THANK YOU! I found your blog just a few months into marriage and it has helped so much! (Also sex chat for Christian wives has been very helpful and fun ?) My husband and I have been married just over a year now and thanks to your blog and your book, things in the bedroom are going really well! Just wanted to say thanks! ?
Thanks so much! And oh, I’d love to visit South Africa.
You should! =) It’s a great country! You could even host a conference here. There is such a lack of resources like conferences and stuff here in SA. Pretty much everything online and pretty much everything from America.
By the way, I write fiction as well, and my agent on that side is from South Africa. I could listen to her lovely accent all day!
Oh wow! I didn’t know you write fiction. Cool, I’ll have to have a look ? And thanks for the accent compliment ??
I generally feel that my words could come across wrong or are not useful as I often speak bluntly.
I rarely comment on blogs at all unless I feel the need to stick up for someone who is being steam rolled and could use someone saying “I’m with you even though I have nothing to add.” But honestly, I never see that happen on your blog, J. You’re always open-minded and you are good at watching out for and speaking up for someone being misunderstood.
When there’s a topic I want to truly discuss I tend to bring it to one of my sex-friends (that is friends who I can discuss these things with) and discuss it privately rather than publicly.
J, I haven’t ever commented a lot, but I don’t comment at all anymore because of the men. Exactly like M and some of the other ladies said, especially the one who said it feels like walking into a room to talk about this topic, only to find it’s all men in there, and quite a few of them are oversharing. It’s really creepy to me, and not discussions I want to have with any other man besides my husband. And their perspective isn’t helpful to me anyway, because from what I’ve read, they aren’t much like my husband. I can’t really understand why a mans perpective would be helpful anyway, unless it’s my husbands. Shouldn’t our own husbands perspective on this topic be the only mans perspective that really matters much?
I rarely have time to thoroughly read posts and all the comments already shared, so am often hesitant to add my two cents, which may be redundant. Since others have noted this, I’m wondering if the blog comments had a like feature, so others who agree with a comment could show that without having to add another response. This would be a way for you to see a more realistic picture of the numbers of respondents who would be responding but don’t want to reiterate a point that been made already.
Not enough time to comment
This is the first time I’ve read the comments section in maybe three years, although I’ve been reading your blog since one month after I married in Nov 2012, and my reasons are ones you’ve already seen here:
1. I read the blog in my email and rarely open the web version because..
2. The comments section became laborious to read and was sort of a waste of time, considering..
3. We have had four girls in 4.5 years, thanks to our beautiful sex life, which we have you to “blame” for!
But really, hubby and I do a lot of marriage counseling and always refer couples (old and new) to your blog, sometimes even assigning it as homework, because your ministry has been invaluable to us. My husband has commented more in the private FB group as a way to serve, bless, and encourage other husbands because we have been served so well through your blog.
Keep up the work, J, and know that God is bearing fruit beyond what you can imagine through this ministry to marriages!
Blame away! Lol. And thank you.
I do comment but not often and not lately because to be honest the last few posts haven’t felt relevant to my situation so I didn’t read them. Previously if I agree I don’t comment because you have already said it all and much more tactfully than I could. If I disagree or feel I have something else to add I think twice before posting because I don’t like to cause conflict or distract from the point.
I often type a comment out and then don’t post it. Usually, that’s because I’m aware that my husband reads and often comments here, and it’s nearly impossible to write a comment where he wouldn’t know it’s me. So I have to weigh out the consequences of that. We’ve been through a really rough few years, and I don’t want to cause any backward progress for him. And I don’t want to make the mistake of commenting just so he does see it, hoping he will change somehow (I’ve caught myself many times starting to do that). I’ve also written many comments in a journal I have, which has been very therapeutic for me.
I don’t comment because I feel hopeless. I’m discouraged.
I would love to read an article on contented living in a lukewarm, disconnected marriage. With the focus on my heart, not how to change the marriage. Often the underlying theme of marriage articles is if you…..then your marriage will…… God hasn’t promised us thriving marriages.
I’m a newlywed, brand new to sex (I was a virgin just up until recently!), and have just been reading/watching from afar since I very recently discovered your blog. I haven’t commented because I have just been trying to get through all of your blogs that relate to my current questions, needs, and concerns.
By the way, thank God for your blog. You have taught me so much… things I don’t feel comfortable asking anyone or even doing a Google search for (because you never know what will come up in the search results!).
Congratulations! And I’m happy you found the site.
My reasoning is most of what everyone else said. Maybe, to save time , you could sometimes make polls with the majority of the answers already written out/with the ability to add an option in case there are other reasons, so that those who don’t have enough time can still chime in about why they’re unable to chime in.
My reasons: Less need for “research”, (sex life has gotten better thanks to you and there is less of a desperate/panicked search for answers), privacy (not wanting my sex life issue details on blast via my comments), and intimidation (insecurely unsure if my personal comments or posts are really adding to the bigger conversation.)
I have really found your blog helpful in my life. Thanks for that. I have discovered that it’s best for me if I stay away from the comment section. Not just your blog, but other marriage blogs too. I find people write too much about their problems and as I am overcoming personal issues, I just don’t want to read other people’s problems. Also, your blog does have a few men that make me cringe so it’s best for me to stay away from reading the comments. But please keep writing!!
I often write a comment (both here and on fb) and then don’t post it because I figure I’m not an expert so I doubt my two cents is actually worth anything. Also, I need a couple of days to process and think through what I want to say, and by then the conversation has usually moved on.
I appreciate your blog and To Love Honor and Vacuum for so much PRACTICAL info that I wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else not creepy! And just regularly reading these kinds of posts acts as an aphrodisiac, and I’m able to share posts with hubby that open up great conversations. As other commenters have said, sometimes I’ll start typing a reply and then delete it as I feel like my 2 cents agreeing with you may be repetitive to all. And I think you’ve been posting a lot less lately; I get excited when I see you have! In regards to the male commenters, I always read the comments see if I can learn anything from their point of view. And I agree with those talking about privacy and commenting on FB, but I read your posts thru blogger, so that’s not an issue.
This blog has helped me so much in my marriage and even to grow as a person. As a mama of three littles I usually just have time for a quick read. ? Commenting isn’t always an option for me but I am reading and learning. Thanks, J, you are a huge blessing. Can I also say on here that I love the sex chat for Christian wives? My sweet mama died 29 years ago when I was 7, and listening to you wonderful ladies talk about things I ever had a mother’s perspective on is so lovely. Thanks again! Love from Canada!
*never had a mother’s perspective on…
Aw, thank you! Our podcast has become one of my favorite things I do, because I feel like the conversation is so much richer with all four of us, with the same foundation but different perspectives, contributing. And it really does feel to us like y’all are at the virtual table too!
I don’t comment because sometimes I have nothing to say/add. I didn’t notice that there were more males commenting, as I also don’t always read the comments either.
I also don’t have to post anything if I disagree. I realize that we are all allowed to have different opinions and convictions, and that neither may be wrong – it’s why God made us all different.
I think this is a much needed blog.. and I agree with public post/comments. I also agree that I don’t find the need to comment. It’s always topics worth pondering or praying over. Keep up the great work. You ARE appreciated! ?
Thank you! ♥
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I have never commented before even though I am a frequent reader and often glance at what others say. I haven’t because I just usually don’t have a lot to add in online settings, in person it’s different and I do feel that my voice matters. I would think many other readers are in the same boat as me. Thanks for the blog, I love your style!
Thanks for reading!
Well I used to comment more, but have just gotten so busy. I’ve been reading your blog for a few years, and have started a whole new career in that time.
Also, I used to comment right after reading a post. Which I enjoyed doing regularly when I needed a break. I would just sit down and take a quick little break. BUT the kids can read now and love to look over my shoulder. LOL. And while we’re open with them and want them to feel comfortable talking to us and asking questions they don’t really need to know all the issues you help people with quite yet.
And sadly to be honest too, because my own personal issues haven’t gotten better. I love your blog and others similar to it. But I still have the same sexual issues. So it just gets frustrating. Plus I don’t want to bum out your other readers. Like if you post about helping women orgasm, I don’t want to be the poster that’s like almost 15 years of marrage and nothing yet. I think that would have made me cry if I’d read that myself at the beginning of our marriage.
So lots of reasons. None of them personal. I do miss your FB group, though I was definitely more of a lurker there. Here I can use a pseudoymn but there I was terrified someone I knew would also be on it. The men’s comments don’t bother me at all. Especially because you do a good job of filtering out the bad ones. So any thoughts on some other platform now that the FB group is gone? To be honest I’d prefer one I can keep my anonymity on.
Thanks! New Facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/HHHMarriage/
I don’t tend to comment as here it is end of June and Im just now reading this in my email. I dont keep up and its old news by the time I read that my comment is usually not needed. Thanks for your work.
As a male reader, and an all-too-willing- commenter, I am duly chastised by some of the ladies’ comments in that regard. I think it comes from the place of most of us who are trying to address the issue, rather than avoid it, are absolutely DESPERATE for some clue, some answer. For men, this is not an optional thing. It is, quite literally, life-and-death. And if we come off angry, it’s usually because women SEEM to treat it like a take-it-or-leave it issue. I promise to be more cautious and circumspect in the future.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
However, in all honestly, statements like this one—”For men, this is not an optional thing. It is, quite literally, life-and-death”—actually don’t help that case. It is not literally life and death, so when it’s framed that way, it becomes easier for a reluctant wife to view a persistent husband as exaggerating, selfish, etc. Believe me, I KNOW sex is super-important. As such, I want to help higher-drive spouses learn how to better communicate their deep longing for intimacy in ways their resistant spouse might better understand. Blessings!
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