From time to time, I’ll be putting up Extra Hot, Holy & Humorous posts, with other places where you can find me addressing God’s design for sex in marriage.
The XY Code
I guest posted this week on The XY Code, a blog run by Paul Bylerly of Generous Husband. Here’s a sample, along with the link at the bottom to read the rest.
A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on TGH about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband. Not being a woman, I could not challenge this from personal experience. So, I phoned a friend! The result is this guest post by J Parker.
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Part of my redemption story involves moving from a premarital promiscuous past to a marital monogamous present. While I wish the change had happened like “Beam me up, Scotty”—one moment here, one moment there—I actually walked a long road to arrive at the sexual intimacy God wanted me to have.
Premarital Pleasure
I’ve analysed my past enough to understand all the reasons I chose to have sex before marriage with multiple partners, but one reason is that it felt great.
God created us as sexual beings, and being touched, turned on, and brought to orgasm are good sensations. To say I didn’t enjoy the physical experience of sexual activity with past lovers would be a lie. But that’s not the same as saying that it was good for me. Or that I didn’t have serious regrets.
This post also appeared on The Generous Husband.
Sex Chat for Christian Wives
Our latest podcast episode is “Healing from Sexual Abuse, with Mary DeMuth.” Mary DeMuth is an advocate, author, and survivor herself. Her newest book is We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis.
And don’t forget to sign up for our podcast’s webinars!
J,
What I’m seeing most out of this writing. is this is a true “love story” between you and your husband and how you and he have bonded into being one, which makes the intimacy and holding each other more fulfilling as we age. You and he chose each other!
We just celebrated our 39th Anniversary and we have taken the time to express to one another back and forth to have selected each other, in spite of some emotional scars and mutually navigating through some choppy waters, (more like 40′ swells) we both expressed that we would still choose each other. I feel blessed and honored that she chose me! She has said same, many times.
I just read above, on the topic at hand, “A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on TGH about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband”
I do understand the desire to be pure, (I wish I was) but the phrase “being in love” is completely void in that paragraph, in fact it appears that those comments were more about questioning their own performance and less about purity or their ability to love.
I find this disturbing because sex isn’t about a performance. For spouses who love each other, making love is an experience It is about making a life together, pursuing the same wants and goals without colliding, the romancing, anticipation, exploring, surrendering and experiencing one another’s at a very personal level, discovering likes and dislikes.
Spouses who are celibate (virgin) and choose to have those blessed preferences of each other when they marry, but without being in love, the love making isn’t going to reach the highest level of intimate emotional euphoria, especially if they are more concerned about performances or to the other extreme less concerned about one another’s needs or desires.
Whatever preferences a man or woman has if the concern is less about purity and more about performance or technique on the passionate rawness of intimacy, there are several Christian inspired self-help guides or books about emotional and physical love making. In the end, they will discover that making love isn’t about performance, but an experience.