Category Archives: Male View of Sex Series

You Would If You Loved Me!

Paul Byerly

What a treat today! One of my favorite marriage bloggers, Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband and The Marriage Bed, is joining us to send his message to us wives from the hubbies.

Most men have figured out that “If you loved me you would” is not a good way to talk their wife into sex, and because of this, they do not say it. However, most men do feel this way. Before you get upset, let me try to explain.

Odds are your husband only wants to have sex with you. I know that is not true for all men, but it is far more common than most women think. He loves you, he chose you to be his wife, and when he did that he understood he was saying yes to you sexually and no to every other woman in the world. He willingly made that choice because you were the woman he most wanted to be with sexually. You were the one pearl of great value for which he gladly gave up all others!

For men sex is a significant expression of love. His having sex with you is saying to you that he loves you and your having sex with him is you saying to him that you love him. Is this really that odd? You are the only person he is sexual with, sex is special, unique, something he shares with you and you alone. Why wouldn’t he see it as a deep expression of love?

Ladies, what speaks love to you? What does he do that makes you feel he loves you? (Or, what does he not do that would speak love to you if he did it?) Now imagine that you knew from experience that if you ask for that thing, you will get it less than half the time — how would you feel?

If this is true of your husband, why does he talk about his needs, and focus on the physical aspects of sex, rather than telling you that sex makes him feel loved? Most men are more aware of their bodies than their “feelings” and far more comfortable talking about their bodies than their feelings. He may not fully understand why being told no makes him feel so bad, and even if he does he may not feel comfortable expressing that, or may not know how to express it. Basically, falling back on the physical is easier and more natural for him.

Sex is intimate and deeply personal and being told “no” hurts in a very personal way. Saying it is not personal does not change that it feels personal.  How you mean it does not change how he hears and feels it.

Am I saying any no hurts? Not unless he is totally selfish. The problem comes when he hears no more often than yes. When no is the most common answer, why you say no eventually stops mattering. Even though some or all of the reasons are very understandable, when they are part of a general pattern he stops hearing much past “no.” I suspect you are much the same — if he repeatedly says no to something, do you really think about the reason(s) he gives? After a while, don’t you assume he just does not care about you enough to say yes to what you want?

If you say no to most of your husband’s requests for sex, you are telling him you do not really love him, or at least that you do not love him enough. That may not be what you want to tell him, but it is probably what he is hearing deep in his heart. Can you imagine what that does to a man? Can you imagine how he will change over time if it goes on? Maybe you can look back and see a gradual shift that is related to this very thing.

If things keep going as they are, will he “get over it”? If by “getting over it” you mean will he accept you are not going to change, then yes, he will. If you mean will he learn to feel  you love him despite saying no to sex most of the time, no, he will not. He will probably learn to change to avoid getting hurt as much, and that might look to you like he has “matured” or “accepted things.” Do not be fooledlearning to live with something that is painful does not mean it no longer hurts.

Have I a put a heavy burden on you here? Have I made you feel horrible? I do not desire to do either of those — my goal is to help you understand that your husband does have feelings, and that you can hurt him deeply. Often saying no to sex will hurt him, and that pain is not because he is selfish or sexually greedy; it hurts because it makes him feel he does not matter to you.

Marriage Bed logo

Paul, and his bride of 28 year Lori, have been writing and teaching about Godly sex and marriage since 1997. They live in Eastern Washington and love SciFi, TexMex and the beach — two of which are not to be found near home.

Websites: The Generous Husband, The Generous Wife, The Marriage Bed, Twitter and Facebook

The Beauty of a Woman

Illustration from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Illustration from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Today’s post is from the male point of view, though not a hubby. Greg Donner is a single man who speaks out in favor of biblical sexuality. He has followed my blog and made poignant comments for some time. I knew that he had written on this topic and found an article on his site. I asked his permission to reprint it, with some editing for space.

Greg’s post was originally aimed at men but provides insight for women as well.

Admire and Acknowledge

“If God made anything more beautiful than a woman, He kept it for Himself.” — Unknown

Since I was a boy, I have admired girls and women a great deal. I believe God made women to have, and be, everything a man lacks and longs for — emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. They are to be deeply appreciated, envied, and lauded; not debased, objectified, or ridiculed. Solomon described the intricate beauty he saw in the woman he loved:

Song of Solomon 7:1-9 (NIV 1984) “How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince’s daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman’s hands. Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses. How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.’ May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth.”

Human anatomy — for men and women — will always be noticed. We’re only lying to ourselves if we say we don’t — it’s as instinctive as breathing. However, we are wrong to place value solely on the physical, since beauty is subjective and truly in the eye of the beholder. True beauty never emanates exclusively from the physical; attitudes can be subjective and change quickly; e.g. how people view an overweight woman who then loses that weight. Opinions vary substantially even over actors and actresses who, by cultural standards, have “arrived.” Many women struggle with the notion that if their body does not match the unrealistic Photoshopped “ideal” imagery touted by the media (who promotes and destroys at will), then they inherently lack appeal, and are not attractive. However, their core anatomy can still be appealing and attractive regardless of how “feminine” or “perfect” it may seem to them. Its greatest allure remains the fact that it’s still a different yet complementary design from men, and it contains the elements and attributes that God intentionally created men to be visually drawn to.

Bill Cosby muses that after God created Eve, Adam’s naming of her as “woman” came from his reaction of first setting eyes on her: “Whoa! Man!” Physically, mentally, and emotionally, there are many things that happen to men when they encounter a woman they find attractive — the catch is what we think and how we respond to this. Admiration stems from a myriad of elements: mannerisms, voice, movement, and attitudes, as well as visual/physical attributes. From head to toe, there is a vast wonder and beauty about women, and I believe that man is a steward of something much better and greater than himself. Emotionally, women express their feelings and are often in touch with themselves and others. Mentally, they have many skills and abilities that parallel and often exceed men (e.g. able to read body language twice as well as men). Physically, they possess a very powerful sensuality and aesthetic beauty. Sexually, their differences are nothing short of breathtaking. God has truly blessed women in the way they are made — each part of them is unique and desirable in its own way. In her book For Women Only (p. 100), Shaunti Feldhahn notes one man’s words that echo this:

“She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”

While we should be careful not to elevate women, we need to admire and acknowledge the incredibly beautiful way in which God has made them. In addition, we need to be careful that we don’t ignore them. One woman shares about this:

“…I, too, see it as a cop out. I believe Christian men have been led to believe the lie that they will always struggle with lusting after women. It’s taught when they are teens, and supported through adulthood. This lie leads them to treat half the Christian population like they are invisible (bouncing the eyes) and keeps them from reaching out to women who aren’t believers because they may be dressed skimpily.

“Yes, men can and do have lust problems, but they don’t have to be slaves to lust! Jesus came to set us free — how do we display that freedom with the current ways we teach men? Seems to me they become even more enslaved to the program of keeping themselves ‘pure’, while beautiful sisters in Christ are not looked at, not talked to, etc. because these teens/men are encouraged to ‘bounce their eyes.’

“Yes, it’s a sore spot for me as a beautiful woman who is friends with beautiful women who have all felt weird by men who won’t look at us when we say hi!

Compliment

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who stays awake to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead; who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how lucky he is to have you.” — Unknown

Women — even little girls — are constantly bombarded by negative, exploitative messages and unrealistic expectations in the media and world in which we live that exacerbate insecurities about themselves. They need to be reassured and reminded that they are beautiful—not “hot”—and that beauty does not mean perfection. In response to an article about this, Jennifer Vaughn notes that:

“My personal experience: not complimenting a girl results in anxiety, insecurity, and obsession with looks.”

Negative messages can be countered by simple reminders of the truth: beauty takes many forms, and again, does not equal perfection.

Physical beauty and attractiveness are subjective, and appeal differs for everyone — men and women alike. For men, staying focused on the person is not easy to do, as visually attractive women will always catch our eye, and are often overpowering. Those not as physically attractive we tend to overlook or ignore; but giving equal attention to all women is possible, and should always be what we strive for. The true value of a lady is who she is inside — not how physically attractive we find her to be (the following verses leaving little room for debate):

Proverbs 11:22 (NIV 1984) “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.”

Proverbs 31:30 (NIV 1984) “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

It goes without saying that these verses apply to men, too, as they address attitudes of the heart. The truth is that most women endowed with physical beauty do not appreciate being scrutinized or ogled, and less attractive women may be grateful that you are paying them equal time and attention. Regardless of perceived physical beauty, women should never be ignored or treated as a sex object. In this regard, a lady once shared with me that:

“A smile and good, solid eye-contact tells a woman all that and more. Work on flirting with your eyes. Look into their soul; not their blouse. That is the ultimate compliment.”

As someone else put it:

“Treat her as the person God intended; not the plaything this world thinks she is.”

The poem The Beauty of a Woman describes it another way:

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from within her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman
With passing years
Only grows.

(Authorship is variously attributed to the following: Maya Angelou, Ralph Fenger, Audrey Hepburn, and Sam Levenson).

Greg DonnerSo much to think about there from Greg. I appreciate his viewpoint and willingness to come on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

From his website: “Besides an interest in computers, his greatest passion is to, somehow, be involved in a ministry advocating for truth about biblical sexuality and intimacy in the midst of a world that attacks and distorts it. . . . He has no qualifications or biblical counseling training, nor is he even married; but sexual immorality is one of the biggest, gravest threats and problems of our time, requiring the church to step out of their comfort zone and boldly stand for truth.”

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Husbands Want You To Know)

Scott & wife Jenni

Scott & wife Jenni

I have another favorite husband blogger today. (Have you noticed I have several favorites?) Scott Means of Journey to Surrender joins us today to talk about some of the faulty thinking we wives have regarding sex. I have been guilty of a few of these lies myself.

My sincere thanks to Scott for being a guest on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

First of all, thanks to J for inviting me to take part in the series giving the husband’s point of view on sex.

I often say about marriage (and about life) that what you believe is almost more important that what you do. Or put another way, right thinking leads to right doing. When you get your head screwed on straight, your actions will eventually follow.

This is more true of sex than any other area of marriage, because it’s the place we are most deceived, misinformed, and just plain messed up. It’s often said that the brain is the biggest sex organ we have, and I agree. So then, it’s hugely important that we get our minds to line up with the truth about sex.

Through my experience as a husband of 30+ years, a marriage blogger and writer, and marriage small group leader, I’ve got composed a short list of ten lies that wives seem to commonly believe about sex. I’ve coupled these with the corresponding truths that your husband would have you believe instead.

1.  The lie: I’d be a lot more willing to have sex if I could just lose a couple of pounds. Your husband’s truth: I love your body and am strongly attracted to you just like you are, imperfections and all. You would feel more beautiful if you would let me show you physically how I feel about you.

2.  The lie: If my husband really loved me, he would be satisfied with the way things are in bed. Your husband’s truth: I desire a more varied sexual repertoire because I want more of you, not because I want you to change. It’s all about experiencing deeper intimacy.

3.  The lie: For my husband sex is just about the physical release. I’m basically just scratching his itch.  Your husband’s truth: I want and need to be close to you. For me sex is a primary way to experience closeness.

4.  The lie: Sex is not big deal for me. I can take it or leave it. Your husband’s truth:  Sex IS a big deal. Yes, it’s important to me, but it’s also important for US. We can only reach the deepest level of intimacy in our marriage if our sex is healthy and vibrant.

5.  The lie: If I tell my husband what I want in bed, I’m being selfish. Your husband’s truth: It is as important to me to take care of your sexual needs as it is to see that my own are met. I want to be your hero in bed too.

6.  The lie: I’m just not a very sexual being. Your husband’s truth: God made us all sexual beings. Sure your sexuality and sexual needs are different than mine, but it’s important to me that you make effort to keep yourself sexually awake, in whatever form that takes for you.

7.  The lie: Wearing alluring or sexy lingerie for my husband makes me a sex object. He should like me in whatever I wear. Your husband’s truth: I’m wired to be very visually oriented. I like seeing you adorn that beautiful body of yours in ways that affirm my visual nature. It tells me that what I like matters to you.

8.  The lie: I want romance but all he wants is sex. Your husband’s truth: I don’t separate sex and romance the way you do. To me sex is a romantic act — not the only way to have romance, but definitely part of it for me.

9.  The lie: If I’m affectionate with him, it’s going to make him want sex, so it’s better for me to just keep my distance. Your husband’s truth: Yes, it’s true that kissing and touching and other displays of affection will make me want you more. However, given the choice of affection and no sex or no affection and no sex, I’ll pick the former.

10.  The lie: I don’t have the energy for a wild night, so it’s better just to skip it than risk disappointing my husband. Your husbands’ truth: We don’t need to swing from the chandeliers every time. Quickies can be great too. Wild sex is fun and exciting, but mild sex is better than no sex, as long as I know you are into it — and into me.

Scott Means blogs at Journey to Surrender, where he loves to speak about God’s heart for intimate and passionate marriages. He boldly explains why Christian couples have the inside track on great marriages. They know the One who designed it and have been given a perfect living example of the greatest marriage of all, the one between Christ and the church.

Wives: What Is Your Husband Thinking During Sex?

illustration of head with gears

Photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Gerad Harris of Mission:Husband is here to give us the hubby’s point of view today. Have you ever wondered what your husband is thinking during sex? I sure have.

Take it way, Gerad!

Men are pretty simple beings for the most part — or compared to our female counterparts anyway. That’s why I find it rather amusing that I get so many emails from wives, trying to figure out what my husband is thinking” about a myriad of topics, but mostly when it comes to sex. Now here’s the deal — I am by no means any kind of expert or sex therapist. I’m just a normal husband with 3 kids and an amazing wife that makes me look better than I am at a lot of things. But what I am a specialist at, is being male. Got that down to a tee (my wife would say too well sometimes . . . lol). So understand that the following points may not be completely true for every husband out there; more than likely, 90% of them will still apply. So, are you ready to take a peek into the deep, dark, mysterious male mind when it comes to what he’s thinking during sex? Well, buckle up, because here we go. What a guy is thinking during sex:

What did she just call my penis? Please don’t name your husband’s member “winkie” or “little guy” or any other name you may have wanted to use for your wiener dog when you were growing up. You might as well walk into the master bathroom, run a bucket of ice-cold water, and proceed to throw it over your husband in bed. What we DO want you to do is tell us how much you want it in you, or how amazing it feels inside you, or how big it is (even if your husband isn’t in the “large” category per se). Also, unless you have told your husband, or shown it by you actions, we have a tendency to think that you feel our penis is a little “gross,” or you don’t like what comes out of it (especially if you’re not really into oral sex). Since our penis is a huge (no pun intended) part of how adequate we feel in the relationship we have with our wife, we take it pretty hard if you seem to avoid or not really care to play with it, touch it, etc. Bottom line, we want you to think our penis is AMAZING. Oh, and one more thing. NEVER make comments (even in joking) implying your husband’s member is smaller than you would like. For example, in the heat of the moment, don’t say anything like “you’re almost hitting that spot, if we could just get it a little longer (or wider or thicker or whatever). I know you didn’t mean it in a bad way, but he will remember it for a LONG time and will forever wonder if he really satisfies you. Instead, ALWAYS make it a POINT to compliment him on how big it is, how good it feels, how much you ache for it, etc.

I wish she wouldn’t just lay there. We understand you aren’t the aggressor sexually most of the time, and that’s fine with us. But what we DO like is for you to be an active, vocal part of sex. Don’t let us do all the “work.” Instead of always allowing your husband to take the lead from foreplay to how you both finish, surprise him with flipping back over on top of him every few times you make love, and tease him with your hands or orally. We love it when our wives are a little playful with us in bed — when you take the reins a little and show us that you don’t just “put up” with having sex with us, but you LOVE it, and we drive you wild too! I understand taking the lead in bed doesn’t come naturally to most wives, but don’t be so scared you’re not going to do it right, that it prevents you from even trying. And to tell you the truth, we couldn’t care less if your “technique” is horrible! What matters to us, is that your showing us you desire/want/need us sexually. That is what matters to us. We can work on technique later.

Is she enjoying it or not? We guys don’t really get subtle. If we’re doing something down there that is putting you through the roof, let us know! Even if you can’t quite form words at the time, audibly say/moan SOMETHING! Bottom line is, let us know you’re enjoying the heck out of this thing! Moan, groan, yell, whatever floats your boat, but just make sure you’re audibly letting your husband know he’s blowing your mind right now. We realize you might be worried about waking the kids up, but if you need to, grab a pillow and yell into that instead. It’s a big turn-on to us guys, when our wives are vocal in bed. Not only that, it makes us feel like we completely rocked your world. 🙂

I wish I knew what she was thinking. What you husband wants to know more than anything, is what turns you on sexually. We want you to tell us what you fantasize about doing with/to us or want done to you. We want to know what you want to do on this particular night. Most times we only stick to the same things we do every time (start with kissing, then breasts, then . . .) because we have no idea what you’re looking for tonight. Please, please, please — speak up! We LOVE it when you tell us what you want us to do to you — not only because it’s a sure bet on pleasing you for us, but because it makes it not seem like we’re the only ones that think sexually. Want to try some new position, or have us start on a certain place tonight, or with a new toy, or whatever, JUST SAY SO!

Does she want me to keep going, or is she bored? I mentioned this a little already, but here’s the deal. When your husband is trying to stimulate you to orgasm, make sure you let him know if what he’s doing will eventually put you over the edge or if he’s just wasting his time. Since generally the wife takes longer then the man to climax, he may think that because it hasn’t happened after 5 minutes, he’s not doing it right, or hitting the right spot, or moving his fingers just right, or whatever. Especially if you’re not very naturally vocal during sex. In his mind, he’s thinking, “Well, this isn’t doing it, so I’d better try something else,” when in reality if he would have just kept going for another 5 minutes, he would have put you over the edge. Most of us husbands would score an “A” in the “eager and willing” category, but we give up easily if we feel like it’s not working. In short, TELL HIM if he should keep going if it’s feeling good, or if he should move up/down/over/etc. if it’s not. He’s not going to be mad or upset, he’s going to love that you helped him figure out what going to rock your world, and in turn, make him feel like he’s “the man.” 😉

One last thing  And this only applies to the couples where the husband has the higher sex drive. If this doesn’t apply to your relationship, skip to the next paragraph. Wives — if you desire sex, don’t hint at it, go right for it (and by “it” I mean your husband’s penis)! Because most guys are already trying to guess whether or not you’re in the mood most of the time, when you ARE in the mood, just come out and say it. Remember what I said about us not really getting subtle? Yeah, odds are your little hints or kisses or flirting or whatever you’re thinking is so obvious to him that you need him, is most likely just confusing him. He’s thinking, “Ok, so she’s acting really odd, but I don’t know is she’s just being “lovey-dovey,” or if she wants sex. Should I try something? No, what if she isn’t, and then she’ll be mad? But why did she just rub my leg?” On and on your husband’s mind will go. But if you reach over and discreetly give him a little squeeze where it counts, there’s not much to interpret there. There’s nothing wrong with telling your husband you need sex tonight. It doesn’t make you any less of a “lady,” it’s not “crass,” it’s totally normal. Don’t be scared to ask; odds are, it will thrill him that you are telling him YOU need HIM. 🙂

Well, there you go. A trip into the male mind. Kind of a strange place, huh? Yeah, sorry about that. We still think it’s a LOT simpler than yours is. 😉 Like I said at the beginning, some of these things might not apply to your husband, but it should at least give you a place to start, and then you can ask questions from there. To your husband, just you being interested in learning about how he thinks in bed is pretty great.

Mission Husband logo

Gerad Harris blogs at Mission:Husband, a place where “Christian husbands can come and hopefully find something in what I write to help them avoid some of the same pitfalls I have run directly over.” He challenges his readers to be “the best husbands we can be to our wives.” What a marvelous mission indeed!

Also check out his wife’s companion site, Mission: Wife.

Sexual Appetite

A big welcome to the Kentucky Colonel from A Grown Up Marriage. His blog is both thoughtful and challenging as he addresses how to grow up in marriage, rather than grow apart. As he says, “Marriage will expose your immaturity and selfishness faster than anything on earth . . .”

A Grown Up Marriage Logo

Today the Kentucky Colonel is addressing sexual appetite. Take it away, KC!

Appetites vary. A football player needs more calories than the average person to maintain their size and strength. Some men are meat and potatoes guys and others are more eclectic in their tastes. The same can be said of husband’s sexual appetites; they are varied. Some husbands want sex more often than their wife, some less often. Some want sex more varied than their wife, some less varied. The question for the wives is where does MY husband fall in that spectrum and what can I do to improve our sexual intimacy so that it is something that blesses me, my husband, and my marriage?

This probably isn’t going to be what you expected. I’m not going to tell you that ALL husbands are the same. We ALL want more sex than our wife is giving us and we want it in more varied ways than our wife is willing to give us because THAT ISN’T TRUE. It’s a lie. There are marriages where the wife wants more sex and more varied sex than her husband. It’s a fact.

So, what I’m going to tell you is that you are married to a flawed man and your husband is married to a flawed woman. Every marriage consists of two sinners. No more. No less. Every person in every marriage is in need of grace from the person to whom they are married. You need grace from your husband and he needs grace from you. You each have wants, needs, desires and expectations and to borrow from Dr. Eggerichs who wrote Love and Respect, you are likely withholding what your spouse needs, wants, or desires in the expectation that you’re withholding will open their eyes to your own unmet wants, needs and desires. STOP! It isn’t going to work. Likely they’re already doing the same thing that you are. They’re withholding what you want, need, desire in the expectation that you’ll wake up and give them what they want, need and desire. It isn’t working for either of you. It’s time to try something more mature.

Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about one of my favorite topics, marital sex. Most of the women reading this are frustrated for one of two reasons; you aren’t satisfied with your sex life or your husband isn’t satisfied with your sex life. Sure, a few of you may not be in either camp but you’re the exception, not the rule. Some of you want to know how to decrease your husband’s sexual appetite and the others want to know how to increase it. That puts me in a tough spot, don’t you think?

Here’s what I am willing to do: I’m willing to give you some ideas that might actually work to bring a more satisfying sexual experience to your marriage. Here’s the catch, though; you’re going to have to be willing to change because you cannot change your spouse. You control you. You do NOT control your spouse. If you’re trying to control your spouse, STOP! If you’re trying to manipulate your spouse, STOP! The changes have to begin within you or the changes are not going to build intimacy between you and your husband but the attempts to control and manipulate him are likely going to destroy the intimacy.

What is the right amount of sex for a marriage? I think there is only one right answer to this and that answer is: Enough so that both spouses have their sexual desires fulfilled.* If your spouse isn’t satisfied with your sex life then you have to step up. If you aren’t satisfied with your sex life then you have to be willing to let down your guard and address that with your spouse. In either case that might mean that you need personal or couples counseling. If your own efforts aren’t making the changes needed in your marriage then it might be time to get a professional, third-party involved in helping you work together to improve your marriage.

These types of issues do not solve themselves, unless you consider less intimacy, more distance, living as roommates, or divorce as solutions. I hope that none of you do. Happy and fulfilling marriages take concerted effort, proper prioritization, and commitment to better ourselves.

Now let me talk to those of you whose husbands want more or more varied sex. This may be overwhelming to you because it will likely take you out of your comfort zone. Since he wants more sex or more varied sex, this places you in the position of control. Whether you want it or not, because you want it less you control it. The only way this changes is if you are willing to allow the change. If you are not, then you are still in control and your husband is still unsatisfied with your sex life. No one has changed. No one has grown.

If you are a wife that would like more or more varied sex then your husband is the one with the control over this. You cannot wrest that control from him. It is likely that he doesn’t know that he controls it or, if he does, wishes he didn’t. That’s just the way it is. It is likely as overwhelming to you as well but for another reason. For things to change you’ll have to tell him what needs to change and that’s risky. If you don’t, you’ll remain unsatisfied and no one will have changed and no one will have grown.

Please don’t stop growing until sex is a blessing to you, your husband, and your marriage.

That gets a hearty amen from J! Thanks, Colonel.

The Kentucky Colonel blogs at A Grown Up Marriage about moving from those immature expectations toward a more healthy and grown up view of what marriage should be. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.


* See 1 Corinthians 7. “Fulfilling sex” should be within reason. What is reasonable should be discussed between the spouses. Personally I’d consider anything up to once a day as reasonable. As far as variety I’d suggest the article, Sexual Relationships Always Consist of ‘Leftovers’, by Dr. David Schnarch.