Hot, Holy & Humorous

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Husbands Want You To Know)

Scott & wife Jenni
Scott & wife Jenni

I have another favorite husband blogger today. (Have you noticed I have several favorites?) Scott Means of Journey to Surrender joins us today to talk about some of the faulty thinking we wives have regarding sex. I have been guilty of a few of these lies myself.

My sincere thanks to Scott for being a guest on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

First of all, thanks to J for inviting me to take part in the series giving the husband’s point of view on sex.

I often say about marriage (and about life) that what you believe is almost more important that what you do. Or put another way, right thinking leads to right doing. When you get your head screwed on straight, your actions will eventually follow.

This is more true of sex than any other area of marriage, because it’s the place we are most deceived, misinformed, and just plain messed up. It’s often said that the brain is the biggest sex organ we have, and I agree. So then, it’s hugely important that we get our minds to line up with the truth about sex.

Through my experience as a husband of 30+ years, a marriage blogger and writer, and marriage small group leader, I’ve got composed a short list of ten lies that wives seem to commonly believe about sex. I’ve coupled these with the corresponding truths that your husband would have you believe instead.

1.  The lie: I’d be a lot more willing to have sex if I could just lose a couple of pounds. Your husband’s truth: I love your body and am strongly attracted to you just like you are, imperfections and all. You would feel more beautiful if you would let me show you physically how I feel about you.

2.  The lie: If my husband really loved me, he would be satisfied with the way things are in bed. Your husband’s truth: I desire a more varied sexual repertoire because I want more of you, not because I want you to change. It’s all about experiencing deeper intimacy.

3.  The lie: For my husband sex is just about the physical release. I’m basically just scratching his itch.  Your husband’s truth: I want and need to be close to you. For me sex is a primary way to experience closeness.

4.  The lie: Sex is not big deal for me. I can take it or leave it. Your husband’s truth:  Sex IS a big deal. Yes, it’s important to me, but it’s also important for US. We can only reach the deepest level of intimacy in our marriage if our sex is healthy and vibrant.

5.  The lie: If I tell my husband what I want in bed, I’m being selfish. Your husband’s truth: It is as important to me to take care of your sexual needs as it is to see that my own are met. I want to be your hero in bed too.

6.  The lie: I’m just not a very sexual being. Your husband’s truth: God made us all sexual beings. Sure your sexuality and sexual needs are different than mine, but it’s important to me that you make effort to keep yourself sexually awake, in whatever form that takes for you.

7.  The lie: Wearing alluring or sexy lingerie for my husband makes me a sex object. He should like me in whatever I wear. Your husband’s truth: I’m wired to be very visually oriented. I like seeing you adorn that beautiful body of yours in ways that affirm my visual nature. It tells me that what I like matters to you.

8.  The lie: I want romance but all he wants is sex. Your husband’s truth: I don’t separate sex and romance the way you do. To me sex is a romantic act — not the only way to have romance, but definitely part of it for me.

9.  The lie: If I’m affectionate with him, it’s going to make him want sex, so it’s better for me to just keep my distance. Your husband’s truth: Yes, it’s true that kissing and touching and other displays of affection will make me want you more. However, given the choice of affection and no sex or no affection and no sex, I’ll pick the former.

10.  The lie: I don’t have the energy for a wild night, so it’s better just to skip it than risk disappointing my husband. Your husbands’ truth: We don’t need to swing from the chandeliers every time. Quickies can be great too. Wild sex is fun and exciting, but mild sex is better than no sex, as long as I know you are into it — and into me.

Scott Means blogs at Journey to Surrender, where he loves to speak about God’s heart for intimate and passionate marriages. He boldly explains why Christian couples have the inside track on great marriages. They know the One who designed it and have been given a perfect living example of the greatest marriage of all, the one between Christ and the church.

38 thoughts on “Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Husbands Want You To Know)”

  1. Another great article giving us women a glimpse into the male mind! Thanks!
    I would say my biggest struggle is with lie #5. Especially if I am the one wanting sex, but he could easily skip it and go to sleep on a particular night. Also, I often feel that I am getting the better end of the deal when my husband takes so much time to make sure I’m satisfied… often multiple times in one session. He doesn’t get to experience multiples, and so I wonder if I’m being selfish when I allow him to be so generous with me. I’ll take his word for it though when he says “Oh, but the pleasure is all mine, ma’am” 🙂

  2. It’s been so helpful to hear what men actually think about sex. We women have a hard time understanding our husbands because they usually don’t tell us their thoughts and feelings. So we try to figure them out on our own, and we’re often WAY off the mark.

    I think if more men spoke up it would help a lot of their marriages. Or at least if they could point their wives to what other men say and tell them that those are their thoughts, too. I’m so thankful for all my husband and I have gleaned from the many Christian marriage blogs we’ve been reading lately. Our marriage is being transformed! Really eye-opening for both of us! Thanks to J. and guest writer, Scott for yet another helpful post!

  3. Great article … the only one that makes me sigh is the romance one, just because so many men leave it there. Ok sex is romantic for him, but it’s NOT for me, but romance OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM (sorry no underline) gets me there more! I think men forget this all to often and figure if it’s romantic for him it should be romantic for you ….

    1. Holly,
      I can empathize with you here. My husband does not have one romantic bone in his body. He doesn’t plan weekends away. He doesn’t make reservations for nice restaurants. He rarely brings me flowers… I could go on. What I decided to do is to romance him instead. I planned a picnic in the car on a hill looking over the city lights. I create a romantic atmosphere for love making. I give him massages. I send him love notes, and sexy text messages. After being deliberate about these things, I have noticed 2 things have changed.
      First of all, I am not feeling as “romance deprived” because in the act of doing these things for my husband, I am experiencing the romantic moments with him. Secondly, I have noticed that he is learning, from me, how to be romantic. No, I’m not going to hold my breath for an original love poem on Valentine’s Day, but perhaps he’ll go buy a card 🙂
      Oh, and also, when he does do something that could be the least bit construed as romantic, I make a BIG deal out of it. If he is pruning the roses and brings some into the house for me, I accept it as if it were a dozen roses from the florist. I thank him and kiss him and put them in water right away. If he rubs my feet, I ooh and ahh about what a great masseuse he is. When he kisses me outside the bedroom, I make sure to join in that kiss and let him know how much I’m enjoying it. So in other words, I make anything he does into a big romantic deal.
      I’ll bet in your husband’s mind, he is doing romantic things. Start making a big deal about every little thing, and he might blossom in the romance department.

    2. Holly –

      If I were writing a “Ten lies husbands believe” near the top of my list would be something “I’m not the romantic type, so it’s OK for me not to act romantically.” You are absolutely right about men thinking their wives respond to sex the same way they do. It’s so not true! Maybe I will write a follow-up post on my blog directed at husbands! Thanks for the inspiration.

      Meanwhile, workinprogress has hit the nail on the head with her approach to a romantically challenged husband. Great words of advice!

  4. I love Scott’s blog and I really agree with this list, except, and I’m sure I’ll get beat up on this, but here goes.

    #1. I struggle with my wife’s weight. I wouldn’t mind a few pounds, I’d even be OK with 10-15. I’m not asking for a calendar model or magazine cover, but is it to much to ask for a healthy weight. She is the only woman I am (in God’s sight) allowed to see naked but I don’t want to because of the level of obesity she has reached. The “he should love me no matter what” attitude is hard to deal with when she knows I struggle. It just hurts when she is apathetic towards my request for a healthier weight, just a normal, practical weight. So, yes, a husband wants to see his wife’s body, but, at least for me, please try to be reasonable in this area.

    1. I appreciate your honesty. I bet there are plenty of spouses who would agree with you–wishing that their mates would manage their weight better. I have also heard the argument that if you marry someone who weighs 140 pounds, it’s reasonable to expect that they will not be 240 pounds five years later (unless there is a medical issue, of course). What we present in courtship is a bit of a advertisement for what to expect in marriage.

      (Okay, guys, here comes the car metaphor.) It’s like buying a new car. When you bring home the vehicle, you expect it to have wear and tear over time. But if you get it home and it falls apart, you can feel cheated. Your wife will not look 20 forever, but she should keep her appearance up for her age.

      All that said, here’s a tip on how women work: If we feel bad about our appearance, and you suggest changing our appearance, we feel worse about our appearance and lack the energy to address it. In fact, we may find ourselves in a true funk with a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s and a serving spoon to knock it out. Tell us that we mean the world to you, that we are beautiful, and that you want to help us, and we respond far more positively. Say that you want to spend more time together and suggest evening walks or bike rides, and we feel valued that you want to be with us while we exercise. Suggest a shopping trip to find clothes that show off our assets (no matter our current size), and we may be motivated next time to buy one size down.

      Yes, we should keep ourselves up! Both genders. I’m just trying to give you a little insight into the female side of this. But I definitely appreciate your willingness to speak up and explain the husband’s viewpoint. Best wishes for health in your marriage!

  5. I wish the husband’s truth in #5 were truth in our marriage bed. My pleasure in bed doesn’t matter so much to him and yes, I’ve talked to him about it.

    1. Anon –
      Some husbands are as clueless about their wife’s pleasure as they are about romance. You may just find that if you become and even more generous lover than you already are, he will respond by becoming more generous himself. And in a similar way to what workinprogress said above, if you respond in a big way to every little act of sexual generosity, it may also help him understand how important it is to you.

      The other thing I would say is to be very specific with what you want. He may not respond to a general plea for more satisfaction in bed, because he may not know how to do that or might be insecure. But if you were to tell him how much you love it when he kisses you her or touches you there, he might respond more to that.

    2. I’ve been doing all that for over a decade. Only the Lord can change his heart on this matter.

    3. Dear Anonymous,

      You can know the truth but still be lazy, but laziness doesn’t mean hopelessness, so keep praying. This may be more about what God is doing than what your husband isn’t.

      Let me share something very similar (but a little graphic). Several years ago I started losing interest in sex for one primary reason, it just took my wife too dang long to have an orgasm. That’s correct, not 15 or 30 minutes but it may be an hour or two, a few times even longer.

      Just knowing the fact that she wanted sex at 11pm and I’ve been up since 4:30am doesn’t exactly throw gas on my fire. I began to avoid it and eventually (once I gave in) things ended up exactly like the situation you described in your marriage bed, caring for myself.

      I happily report it isn’t like that anymore. To kick start my desire my bride would (without warning) throw back the sheets to reveal nothing but her goose bumps and begin fondling herself, right in front of me, something she had never done before or at least never with me present. I can’t lie, at first I thought it was a joke but it didn’t take long for me to realize she was really getting turned on. Seeing her like that excited me. You can use your imagination how things would progress. If I “finished” before her she’d coax me back into the mood using techniques like the one she started with. It was inspiring to say the least. After six months of that we were experiencing the best sex we’d ever had.

      I mentioned earlier that it might take a few hours for my bride to reach orgasm– it’s not like that now (and she rarely resorts to throwing the sheets back). It’s not uncommon for her to climax 3 or 4 times in the span of 15-30 minutes of love making. She and I both learned about her body and how “things work”. It requires the right attitude on my part but seeing her happy brings me to a new level of satisfaction.

      I’ll forgo anymore graphic detail but I hope you get the picture. After unfulfilled love making, give it a go. Throw the sheets back, turn on the lights or light a candle and give him a show. If it doesn’t work the first time, don’t give up and try a few more times.

      Keep praying and keep an open mind.


    4. Iman, I thank you and appreciate your openness and advice. I tried the throwing back the sheets and touching myself thing several months ago and you know what he did? He rolled over with his back to me and drifted off to sleep. Yes, he doesn’t think I take a long time, but I take anywhere from 15-30 minutes, which is well within normal range.

      Granted, since that failed attempt at intimacy ignited, things have perked up a little. I just keep praying and hoping and serving him.

    5. These are tough situations when a spouse is either clueless or selfish about pleasuring their mate. It can be especially delicate to address the issue because you are essentially saying that they are not doing it right or satisfying you–which is true but causes some people to retreat instead of dealing with it.

      (By the way, for those of you who hear that you are not getting your partner there, it does not mean that they are dissatisfied with YOU–just that they want to try something different and work together for greater sexual pleasure.)

      Continue to pray, address the subject when you can (oftentimes outside the bedroom is better), and see what you can do to set the mood for yourself a little more to help things along. For instance, for a lot of women, atmosphere matters.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you, Anon!

  6. My husband believes #4 and #6, in combination those are a a huge strain on our marriage. I am a higher drive wife, it is very frustrating because I am supposed to be submissive and respectful of him, and he tells me that me coming after him all the time makes him feel used and yet if I don’t, he is happy with less than once a week sex, while I could have it breakfast lunch and dinner. Add in some abstinence for Natural Family Planning, and I am getting sex like 3-4 time a month maybe.

    He tries to “take care of me” by offering me hand jobs, but it only makes me feel worse because as a woman I want to feel pursued, and I want to be a responder to my husband’s advances.

    He doesn’t get that saying “Do you want something tonight?” is SO not as sexy as “Come here and let me(fill in the blank)”

    I have tried to be blunt about it, but it doesn’t seem to help.
    Don’t know what else to do.

    1. IMAN here,

      Seriously? Breakfast, lunh AND dinner? Don’t you think you’d tire of it after a few weeks? Too much of a good thing isn’t good.

      So you just verbalize your complaints? Have you visauls?

      Have you asked yourself, “Am I expecting more than I give?”

      What about his health?

    2. Newsflash to all lesser-drive spouses: Offering to “take care of” your spouse with a handjob, etc. makes it seem like your greater-drive mate is all about the physical. Drop that phrase, please! If it was just about taking care of a physical need, your spouse could do that without you. They want YOU.

      Anonymous-I suspect your husband is a sexual being who needs to have that sensuality awakened. I wonder about health issues too–like testosterone levels, stress, other possible barriers. The best I can come up with is to talk less about wanting sex and more about how you want your sex life to be. Does that make sense? That is, keep it positive. I certainly pray it turns around for you.

    3. IMAN,

      Yes I do get it, I would get tired of it, and really to be honest I would need a break even if we had it every day. I might get tired of sex, the act, physically, but to be honest I would not get tired of connecting with the man I love so deeply on a daily basis. For me, that seems to happen best when intercourse, not just me getting off, is frequent.

      I want to know he is into me like I am into him.

      As far as physically goes, he is 25, I am 24, he eats VERY healthy, lots of fruits, veggies, no coffee and very little soda, like maybe twice a month. He is very fit, in shape, he goes to Karate twice a week for up about a total of about five hours, he walks to and from campus daily(half hour one way)

      I have tried to gently suggest a hormone issue which he is closed to the idea.

      I go to bed naked, I try to invite him into the shower, I just don’t know how else to awaken his sensual side.

      I pray, I wait, I try SO hard to be gentle, patient, encouraging, I know I have to love him with God’s love and do it even if he doesn’t, but it can be very hard in the day in and day out life stuff.

    4. My wife offers the “take care of you” approach and I hate it. Like J said, I can do that. I want her not a hand job that is really just about getting it over as quickly as possible. I desperately desire a sexually alive wife but have resigned myself to nothingness. She says it will get better and has said that for 20 years. Now we are pushing 50 and I know the peak has way passed us by. Sad.

    5. Don’t give up – my husband is in his 60’s and I just turned 50 & we’re having the best sex life we’ve ever had. I used to be like your wife – just felt like sex was one more demand to be satisfied – until I finally began to understand what I was missing out on. After some honest communication concerning the best timing (bedtime is too late for me, by then I’m exhausted-so we get started earlier ;), what feels the best (I’ve learned to show him-he likes show & tell), and how flirting & attentiveness earlier in the day helps set the mood, I can honestly say what used to feel like a chore has become a pleasure. You also might try treating her very romantically – an unexpected gift, a love note, tender touches, flowers (whatever her love language is – think about what you did while dating)but NO STRINGS ATTACHED. If you do these things consistently w/no expectations, she may start wondering why you’re not – for me, it motivated to want to do something nice for him and one thing led to another…will be praying for you both

    6. Thank you. See my comment below in response to Gaye. I feel like I’ve done all that and frankly I’m just tired of trying. Why must I woo her, romance her, date her, give her, demonstrate to her over and over again to prove my love for her? Does she have any responsibility for her intimacy, her sex drive, our lovemaking? I know the man has a ton of responsibility but after being told repeatedly that she can go the rest of her life without sex but she has sex because she doesn’t like us being distant, I must ask, why is it all on me? After 20 plus years of this and age on my body, frankly I’d just rather go to sleep. This is what happens when Christians ignore Gods word and choose to believe that sex just isn’t important. Intimacy dies. Romance dies and the marriage becomes alike a business partnership rather than a love affair. That’s kind of it for me, we are more like brother and sister or business partners than we are lovers. It’s sad. It’s become almost a sick game and I’m tired of jumping through all those hoops when I know she doesn’t want to do it any way. I would give anything if she would just sit down and tell me she wants to work on our sex life and open up and discuss her heart and fear of intimacy. If she would just make this a priority like you did in your marriage. Bully for you.

  7. This feels a little manipulative to me. Some of these are point on. Like I think he’d rather me be skinny again, but he’ll take my fat body, too. Sex is sex, so yes, he’s still attracted to me. But he’d be attracted to an elephant, too.

    The romance one is crap.

    Basically just shut up and spread your legs. Accept not getting the things you need and just meet my needs cause you’re just believing the “lies”.

    On a side note, my husband is a philandering, abusive jerk, but we don’t lack in the sexual intimacy department. We have lots of good sex and I still think this is manipulative.

    1. I’m saddened to hear that your husband is “a philandering, abusive jerk,” but that doesn’t make what Scott said here “crap.” Indeed, what he said is true of many non-philandering, non-abusive, non-jerk husbands.

      I pray that your marriage changes because I seriously doubt you’re having “lots of good sex” when it obviously isn’t a result of relational intimacy. Feeling good and being good are not the same.

      I can hear the pain in your comment. Please know that I really do desire something better for you. May God give you wisdom to know what to do and strength to act on that.

  8. @Anonymous – “Now we are pushing 50 and I know the peak has way passed us by. Sad.” No, the peak does not have to have passed you by – there can be plenty of great sex for both spouses after 50. Of course, the situation you described would have to change, but it is not too late – do not give up hope. I encourage praying about it, reading/learning as much as you can, and having some frank discussions with your wife.

  9. I know it doesn’t “have” to have passed but I also know the reality. My wife is a strong Christian and I love her but she simply has no desire for sex. In our 20’s she said sex gets better in the 30’s but that didn’t happen and the 40’s have been worse. With menopause around the corner I know what is next. We have sex usually about once a month but we’ve oly had participatory sex twice since July and maybe two other times where she says I can hop on and get it done. There is no sexual intimacy. She has not a romantic bone in her body. I’ve been to our blog and seen all those wonderful suggestions you give women to how they dress, candles, music, praising your husbands manhood,etc. God bless you but none of that is happening here. She doesn’t want sex so why would she do anything that might lead to sex? I’ve suggested many things, bought her a nice gown which she never wore, bought her Shelias book, never going to read it, I’ve bought couples romantic games that weve never played. I put music on and it creeps her out. I plan the few get aways we take. She always wants to go places but never takes the initiative. She doesn’t want to talk about it and never brings it up. She’s happy as a clam with her world and not needing sex. I’m not. We have sex when it has been so long and we grow so distant that she knows we “have” to. When we do, the sex is great. I always make sure she reaches climax and it is fun and she enjoys it. One and done and a few months later we “have” to do it again. It just makes no freaking sense to me and I am SICK of even thinking about it. I have resigned myself to a largely sex free life. I’m a monk. It isn’t Gods design but you know, there isn’t a lot I can do. My salvation does not rest upon having a fun, happy, enjoyable sexual relationship with my wife. In eternity, I will care less about sex. God is pruning me for a reason. I’ve got to trust Him and try my best to love ,y wife unconditionally and without resentment. It isn’t easy. Thank you for what you do and write. I just wish my wife cared and read your blog

    1. My heart goes out to you. I often wonder how to get wives with this attitude to tune in. Yes, I wish your wife would read my blog or Sheila’s or someone’s. Or just open up her Bible, read the Song of Songs, and have a desire for that desire awaken in her.

      You are right to continue loving and serving her, even though it does not result in sexual intimacy. It’s so difficult to you, but indeed what God calls us to do. And I always hold on to hope that things can turn around.

    2. Thank you for posting this… I guess I am like your wife and this was a true wake-up call for me! We had counseling for almost two years (been married for less than five now) and I’ve been seeing a counselor personally so we really… know we have a problem and would LOVE to solve it but it just doesn’t seem to work…

      We have sex once in two-three-four months and when we do it’s fantastic! Every time I tell my husband it’s going to change now, that we’re going to have sex at least once a week since it felt so great and drew us closer and reminded us why we love each other so much… Yet still, a week passes by and another… until, you seem to know how it goes.

      Anyway, I’ll pray for you and your wife and I’ll start taking these things more seriously. I know my husband suffers immensely (and so do I) but this post was a strong reminder for me to take his sufferings seriously and do something about it!

      God bless you!! And thank you J for this blog, just discovered it and it’s wonderful, just wonderful…

  10. Oh, these comments are making me cry, especailly the anonymous ones.

    So much longing and hurt and frustration around this area. Sex is one of the most important ways we can connect and feel loved in our marriages, so when it isn’t happening, it’s so painful, and it impacts our sense of who we are in the marriage at such a deep level.

    I’m also a higher drive wife, like anonymous at 9.33, 24 January. My husband has several health issues which have worsened in the ten years we’ve been married, and make intercourse difficult for him, so it happens very rarely. I’d be over the moon if it was once a month! I miss that physical connection, the one flesh-ness, I only feel during intercourse. To make things worse, he was made redundant four years ago and hasn’t been able to get another job, so I’ve been the income earner. That’s totally messed with his self-worth and sense of being a “good” husband, and I think is the true cause of the lack of sex, not his health issues.

    I’ve gone through feeling angry and resentful, railing at God for the unfairness of it, and am now trying to simply appreciate the good kind man I’ve been blessed with. I make sure I tell him how much I value all the things he does for me. I make sure I touch him frequently, from holding hands to a kiss on the top of his head as I walk past him. I haven’t tried to initaiate sex, as I feel that would put too much pressure on him. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with no sex either.

    LOL, I only just found this blog, and I feel “safe” commenting now, weeks after the original post!

    1. Thanks for commenting, Autumn. These stories are heartbreaking to me too. I desperately desire for marriages to have the blessings of physical intimacy that God intended.

      I will offer the hope that I do hear plenty of stories of couples who hung in there over several years and then experienced a reawakening of desire and commitment to sexuality. (In fact, the comment I approved right before yours–in another post–was one.) I pray that you can come back here soon and share one. In the meantime, your heart is in the right place to continue loving your husband. That’s what we’re called to do…even when it’s difficult or when things aren’t quite as fair as they should be.

      Best wishes!

  11. #4 really is a struggle for me and my husband. We have only been married 2 months and we are both disappointed with our sexual relationship. A little history: When we met my relationship with the Lord was on “pause” for lack of a better term. We had a sexual relationship early on. However during our time dating I rekindled my relationship with God and told my (then) boyfriend we could no longer have sex b/c I wanted to wait until we were married. (This is partly true, but mainly it bought me some sex-free time and I selfishly enjoyed that.) He was deeply hurt by this. (To this day he struggles with that decision I made.) Now that we are married, I have little to no interest in sex. We didn’t have sex until 2 weeks after we were married! He has stopped initiating and I am comfortable with that. This scares me. We are too early in our marriage and our lives (he’s 28 I’m 31) to have such a burdened sex life. He has told me how important sex is to him and I selfishly do not want to step out of my comfort zone to meet him. I love my husband and he loves me, but I know if we continue on this way we will be nothing more than glorified roommates. I know that finding this blog tonight was the Lord. We had just finished having another conversation about sex. This time it was him telling me how hurt and unloved he felt because we don’t have sex enough. (not even 10 times since Dec. 8, 2012.) He wishes I would “do more” but I don’t know what that means and he is unable to tell me. He says that “i shouldn’t have to tell you what that means.” When I think about what other women do like lingerie or games, it makes me feel so sad and inadequate that I shut down. I can’t image dressing in lingerie for my husband. The thought of it makes me want to cry. I guess I’m just asking for prayer really. I never thought to pray about my sex life…feels dirty somehow. I promise I’m not some melodramatic person, just struggling tonight.

    1. Thanks for commenting, J. Your “little to no interest in sex” is not uncommon. But it can be addressed.

      Your low libido could be related to a number of factors, including hormonal imbalance, painful sexual history, relationship stress, and more. You should check with your primary care doctor and consider whether any emotional factors are involved.

      However, you should also know that women are often different when it comes to wanting sex. Most men desire sex before arousal, while most women desire sex after arousal. That means that we gals may not want to have sex when we first start, but can enjoy it very much after becoming aroused.

      Moreover, sex begets sex. All too often, we wait around for our sexual desire to show up when it could be that having good sex more often would awaken in us a latent desire.

      There’s no need to start sporting sexy lingerie to kick-start your intimacy if that makes you uncomfortable. But I am concerned about your sense that sex is “dirty” somehow. That suggests some past pain or misperception about the gift that sex can be in a marriage.

      Since you mentioned your premarital sex and the tension that your withdrawal caused between you two, you may want to address that as well. Remember that God can forgive and refresh any situation. You are in my prayers tonight.

    2. I agree with J’s comments, so I’ll just add a few additional thoughts.

      First of all, I am sorry to hear that things are off to a rocky start in your marriage. But I’m glad you are here looking to do something about it.

      I will reinforce something J said. I am pretty certain that the problems you face are mostly from the past pain over sex. It sounds from your description that sex was probably broken before and it has only carried on into your marriage. The good news is that God is a redeemer, and He can turn things around.

      You say that you were happy to give up sex during your engagement but admit that you were not honest with your man about wanting some “sex free time” that you “selfishly enjoyed.” Instead you used a spiritual excuse to push him away. You say that he still struggles with “your decision.” It sounds as though that needs to be dealt with.

      He has told you how unloved all this has made him feel (and I will add probably unattractive, unmanly and frustrated). I believe you when you say you love him and that you are worried, so now it is time to show him that you do love him – his way. I will make a few specific suggestion, which you can take or leave at your discretion.

      The first step is to have an honest discussion about why you broke off sex during your engagement and to ask his forgiveness for the pain you caused. Although I agree with your decision, maybe the way you handled it wasn’t the best.

      Next I would try to figure out why being “sex-free” was so enjoyable for you. What was wrong with your sex life back then? The answers might give you some information about what is happening today.

      Finally, it sounds as if you husband has checked out of his responsibility for your sexual relationship (out of frustration and hurt). Don’t let him get away with statements like “I shouldn’t have to tell you” what I want. Explain to him that you are not a man and don’t know how to meet his needs if he won’t tell you them. I know he feels like if he asks, that you will only be doing it because of that. He is probably thinking that if you desired him you would know what to do. Explain to him that it is not true. Simply say that you want to love him well – his way – but that you need help from him knowing what that looks like.

      Tell him you are willing to grow in this area and step out of your comfort zone for the sake of growing in intimacy with him.

      Finally, do pray about your sex life. God invented it for our sake and for our pleasure. It is good. He says so. I will be praying along with you and believing for breakthrough for you and your husband.

    3. Thank you both so much for your input. I spent much of this weekend thinking about what you have said and the questions that you have asked. I believe that ending my sexual relationship until marriage was the correct decision, however you are right I did not go about this the correct way. I have asked him to forgive me, however I think there is still much to be discussed from his end regarding this.

      I have found links to other website on this topic and have done a lot of reading in this area this weekend. I have never thought that not having sex with my husband could be considered sin. This is a big pill for me to swallow. I guess when I read 1 Cor, I see Paul mainly saying you have no self control, hence you desire sex. (I understand how legalistic that sounds.) I love my husband and I want only the best for him. I want to submit to him and serve him and honor God in the process…I just never thought about sex being a part of that process….as silly as that sounds! I also did not understand that sex was the main way in which my husband can express and feel love. I don’t feel love by having sex so this is new for me as well. I just have not made the connection until now. I thought that if I love my husband as I love the Lord and serve my husband as I serve the Lord then that is how I can love my husband. I don’t require physical contact with Christ to love Him and serve Him and adore Him (spiritual marriage) so having to connect with my husband physically as a representation of my spiritual marriage is something that I have never thought about…until now.

      I have been praying that the Lord bring healing to my heart as I am sure this issue is my issue and not my husbands. I am asking the Lord to set me free and allow me to feel the passion that I feel for the Lord for my husband and give me the ability to do that through sex. Though I must admit, it feels awkward to pray this, I am stepping out in faith that the Lord will bless my prayer to serve my husband and show him love – his way.

      I have bookmarked your page LOL so that I can refer back here as I find your advice candid and veeeerry useful!

    4. Anon,

      II just read your post as well as the relys and my heart breaks for both of you. Sex is suppose to be one of the most wonderful parts of marriage and for the both of you to be struggling with it so early on is heartbreaking. My wife and I (just celebrated 18 yrs) struggle early on because we “fooled around” some before we got married (we didn’t have sex, but did just about everything else short of it) and it definatly had an impact on how we started off. Please believe that it can and will get better for both of you if your both willing to put in the effort to workout the issues before you. My wife and I got help from a marriage councillor when we needed it and while it was uncomfortable at first, it was the best decision se could have made because he helped us to find a middle ground we could start from and in the 16 yrs since our sex life had only gotten better and more wonderful with each passing year.

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