Tag Archives: Bible and sex

The Beatitudes in the Bedroom: The Merciful

Recently, I’ve been looking at the Beatitudes in the Bedroom, how this passage relates to our marriages and marriage beds. To get us started, let’s review the Beatitudes from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 5:3-10

If you want to read the ones I’ve covered so far, check out Poor in SpiritThose Who Mourn, The Meek, and Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness. And now we’re up to the merciful.The Beatitudes in the Bedroom: The Merciful

I already know what some of you are thinking: Please talk about how my sex-resistant spouse needs to have mercy on me and give me some much-needed physical intimacy!

I’ll actually get to that. But first, I did a bit of word study on the Greek term used for mercy: eleeo (pronounced el-eh-eh’-o). I expected to see New Testament verses about how God showed us mercy when He saved us from sin. But the most common use occurred when Jesus was healing the sick. People often approached Jesus and cried out, “Have mercy,” just before he cured them of their ailments.

So eleeomercy,” often connoted healing and wholeness.

And honestly, that’s what so many of our marriage beds need. Not just frequency of sex or mutual pleasure, but healing and wholeness to be able to engage fully in the experience of sexual intimacy God gifted marriage.

In what area of your sexual struggles do you wish you could cry out to Jesus, “Have mercy!” and know that His healing would immediately follow? Did you experience sexual abuse in your past? Have you struggled to get past your spouse’s prior infidelity? Are you continually tempted by porn? Do you have pain during intercourse? Have you faced the hollow ache of infertility?

We can cry out for God’s mercy, and He delivers. Not always on the timetable we want or in the way we expect, but He is faithful:

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23, NLT).

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

But the Beatitude here isn’t about God’s mercy specifically, but our mercy: “Blessed are those who merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Thinking back to the physical and emotional ailments we experience in our marital bedroom, what is your beloved dealing with? What baggage or challenges confront him when it comes to sexual intimacy?

Have you shown him mercy? Helped him seek healing? Contributed to his wholeness?

We can get so caught up in our own perspective that we fail to fully consider what sexual issues our mate is confronting. Maybe your husband is trying to break a porn habit or facing a lower sex drive or aching for more sexual intimacy with you. Whatever his concerns, can you show mercy?

And no, I’m not suggesting having pity sex. Rather, true mercy involves reaching out with your heart. Indeed, Romans 12:8 advises that if we show mercy, we should “do it cheerfully.” Grudging compassion isn’t compassion at all.

Mercy might include more sex, more communication about sex, counseling about sex, or a myriad of other options.

But let’s seek one another’s healing and wholeness. Let’s extend to our spouse what we wish to receive from God.  Let’s be merciful in our marriage beds. And then, let’s see how God blesses us.

The Beatitudes in the Bedroom: Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness

I’m back with my series on the Beatitudes in the Bedroom, addressing how these verses relate to our marriages and marriage beds. As I’ve done so far, let me remind you of the whole passage of the Beatitudes from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 5:3-10

You can go back and review Poor in SpiritThose Who Mourn, and The Meek. But this week, we’re looking at those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
The Beatitudes in the Bedroom Hunger & Thirst

I suspect the number one question youth ministry workers still receive from teens about sex is “How far is too far?” I know that was true when I was growing up. Good Christian teens wanted to know where God had drawn the line and then, they reasoned, they’d just make sure they didn’t cross that line.

Of course this doesn’t work. When you’re in that moment of burgeoning sexual desire and your hottie is in your arms, all the lines go fuzzy. Not to mention that it’s the wrong question, because it’s essentially asking, What can I get away with?

Now fast forward to marriage, and the same question comes up in different ways. We still want to know what we can get away with.

Some want to push the envelope in their marriage bed. I’ve received questions from readers wondering if they can engage in everything from watching porn to pegging (don’t read it if you don’t want to know) to watching their spouse have sex with someone else. These are Christians who want to be okay with God but also want to figure out how to do what they want to do.

Some spouses want to know how little sex they can get away with having. Is once a month enough to shut him up? How about once a week? Surely, she can do with once a week. Or if they can demand the lights off, covers-to-your-necks, no-frills sexual experience and still high-five themselves for meeting their mate’s sexual needs.

Some people want to know not whether they can ever masturbate, but if they can do it often and without their spouse’s knowledge. Or what they can think about during sex: Is picturing someone else okay? What about imagining their craziest sexual fantasy during sex?

We even wonder about our choices of shows to watch and books to read that involves sexuality. How much is too much? What about a romance novel? Or erotic romance? What if the story involves a married couple? What about Sex in the City or Game of Thrones? Are R-rated films automatically off the viewing list?

Look, some of these are good questions, and I don’t mind answering them. It’s important to know where the boundaries are. God certainly set out both Dos and Don’ts in His Word, so He gets the importance of saying, “Do this,” and “Don’t do that.” We need clear lines sometimes.

But I’m bothered when someone’s whole attitude rests around the idea of simply what’s okay and what’s not in the marital bedroom. Because it misses this concept: “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.”

Do you hunger and thirst for the very best in your marriage bed?

Do you hunger and thirst for the very best in your marriage bed? Click To Tweet

Do you long for everything God wants you to have with your mate when it comes to sexual intimacy? Do you seek out ways to show greater love to your husband? Do you consider what would make your wife a more confident and satisfied lover? Do you look for ways to honor your beloved as you make love?

Do we even understand that God’s design for sex in marriage is righteousness?

And what about the beauty of God’s promise: “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Yesterday, my husband, “Spock,” and I were talking about how different the sex experience is in our marriage than anything we experienced before. As we’ve pursued righteousness in our marriage, we have been filled. Our hearts and souls have experienced intimacy we can’t describe. I’m not saying that every single time we head to the rafters in soulful rapture, but our hungering and thirsting for what God wants us to have in our marital intimacy has resulted in us being filled overall.

And even if you’re the one hungering and thirsting for righteousness, while your spouse isn’t quite there, I believe God fills you. The blessings may not come fully in the marriage bed, but they come in other ways — an inner peace of knowing that you are seeking His ways, a hope that things can get better, a sense of God’s hand upon you.

Let’s hunger and thirst for righteousness. What could you do today to bring your marriage bed one step closer to God’s plan for sexual intimacy?

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It’s True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life

I’ve been reading about porn lately, not because that’s my favorite subject, but because I saw two excellent articles about the problems with porn — from secular sources.

Time Magazine’s April 11, 2016 edition had a feature article on Porn: Why young men who grew up with Internet porn are becoming advocates for turning it off.* The author, Belinda Luscombe, did a fair job of reporting what’s happening in science and society as people discover what the Bible has said all along: Sexual intimacy isn’t about using others for your own pleasure. That approach messes with your ability to enjoy what God intended you to have.

Sexual intimacy isn't about using others for your own pleasure. God has a better plan. Click To Tweet

The focus of that article is previous porn users who discovered how their heavy porn diet impaired their ability to perform and connect with a real woman. It’s called Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED), and more doctors are seeing erectile problems with younger men. The theory is that the men are desensitized to normal sexual stimuli and require a level of imagery, intensity, and novelty that isn’t real-life. Thankfully, some of these men are speaking up against the very activity they used to frequently pursue, warning of the dangers and consequences of consuming pornography.

It's True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life

Then there are Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, famous for their marriage and relationship research. Although previously proponents of using porn to increase intimacy in relationships, they have changed their minds. I encourage you to read An Open Letter on Porn. They lay out several reasons why pornography is detrimental to the user and to their significant other, including sexual arousal difficulties and mistreatment of women in porn.

Based on various studies, they conclude that “use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.”

Now I’ve heard the arguments that it goes the other way — for instance, a husband not having sex and experiencing low relationship satisfaction then seeks out porn to fill in the gap. But as much as I feel for those in a sexless marriage, that’s not helping!

In the long run, you’re making it harder for both of you to engage in satisfying sexual intimacy if and when the opportunity rises. You’re messing with your view of how your wife should be behave (she is not your sex toy) and how sex itself works. And you’re not satisfying yourself anyway, because you have to get more frequent and stronger stimuli to get the same “high.” Your body responds sexually, but it doesn’t respond with the satisfactory bonding you get when you make love to your wife.

Another thing that always crops up when I address porn is: What about women?! Aren’t they looking at porn? Or reading steamy romance? Yes, they are. The percentage of women viewing porn is increasing, and it’s a real concern. If any woman reading this is struggling with pornography, the one ministry I know designed to help is Dirty Girls Ministries. Check it out.

And I’ve written plenty about the problems with romance novels and erotic novels that promote terrible ideas about sexuality. Look, this is a case of “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters” (Matthew 12:30). Anything opposed to God’s design for sex is a problem we Christians need to address.

Anything opposed to God's design for sex is a problem we Christians need to address. Click To Tweet

I’m glad that secular research is catching up to what God has said all along. The momentary pleasure of viewing pornography is too high a price and robs you of what God intended when He created sex.

If you’re in this struggle right now — either yourself or your spouse — get help. No more dithering: Today is the day. Talk to your spouse. Confess to a godly confidant. Make an appointment with a counselor. Join an accountability group. Get on your knees before God.

Don’t let this ruin your sex life. Here are a few Christian-based sites you might want to visit:

XXX Church (porn recovery for men)
Covenant Eyes (internet accountability)
Dirty Girls Ministries (for women)

Also, don’t be naive about your kids. I’ve talked with my sons about this temptation, and they’ve estimated that 70-80% of guys in their high school watch porn regularly. They’re probably right, and I bet their parents have no idea. Speak regularly with your teenagers about what God desires for their lives, including their someday sex life — which starts with making right and wise decisions now. An anti-porn site aimed specifically at youth is Fight the New Drug (not Christian, but has good overall information).

As Christians and Churches, we need to stay well-informed and outspoken against anything so against God’s design for His children and for sex in marriage. This isn’t simply a cause for us to take up and pat ourselves for doing the right thing. Our denunciation of pornography and erotica is about saving individuals, marriages, and souls.

*The Time article is available online only to subscribers. I read the article by accessing the magazine at my local library.

Fine Chocolate Sex: A Review of Lovemaking

I have a favorite line in Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravagant Intimacy in Marriage: “Like M&Ms, good sex can be enjoyable time and time again. But why settle for M&Ms when you can have fine chocolate?”

Given that I’m the kind of person who will dip her greedy hand into a bowl of M&Ms several times over if you just leave it out there, this spoke to my heart. Because at the same time, if you put a single Godiva chocolate on the table beside that M&M bowl, I’d ignore the M&Ms and spend as many minutes as possible nibbling and savoring the delicious fine chocolate instead. Sure, I like M&Ms, but I love fancy chocolate.

And if you want fine chocolate sex in your marriage, read this book.

My rating: ★★★★★

Lovemaking, by Linda and Dan Wilson, celebrates the spiritual and playful side of sex in marriage. Yeah, I admit, that’s my wheelhouse. They are speaking my native tongue! But I think that’s because it’s God’s native tongue as well when it comes to physical intimacy.

We have great freedom in the marriage bed, but also an obligation to satisfy our spouse and honor the gift of sexual intimacy God gave married couples. Dan and Linda take readers through what God has to say on the subject of making love, from flirting and playfulness to physical anatomy to exploring, satisfying, and truly loving your spouse.

This is best read as a book for couples. When I finished my perusal, I immediately thought, “I wish I’d read this with my hubby.” But that doesn’t mean you won’t get plenty out of it to read it on your own.

Now I’ve read so much on sexual intimacy in marriage, I don’t have many Aha! moments anymore. Yet there were some insights in Lovemaking I hadn’t considered!

Plus, it never hurts to be reminded again of what you already know and encouraged to do it.

As you can tell, I liked this book! So I asked Dan and Linda a couple of questions below about Lovemaking and their ministry.

What makes your book, Lovemaking, different or unique?

We celebrate all the new books on holy sex! We are not competing with other authors, but rather we are celebrating what God is doing in this season—He is redeeming sex!

Lovemaking is different as we include Dan’s medical expertise, bringing a clear understanding of anatomy, practical suggestions for maximizing pleasure, and hints for adapting to physical changes due to aging or health issues to the table. This, combined with Linda’s love for storytelling and our passion for holiness in marriage, all work together to make Lovemaking fun, unique, and enlightening.

It did strike me (J) as having a unique tone and something different to offer.

Who is the intended audience?

Of course we want every married couple to read this book! Young couples will learn the value of becoming highly skilled and wholly holy in their lovemaking. Older couples will gain a renewed passion for adding spark and excitement to their play. In fact, just this past week we spoke to a group of Indian pastors about sex. One, a man in his 60s, wrote that after our talk he and his wife were once again enjoying each other like newlyweds. Yippee! Everyone will benefit from Dr. Dan’s enticing prescriptions.

Yep, Dr. Dan’s “enticing prescriptions” are practical tips for any couple to try.

What struck you as humorous or intriguing as you wrote this book together?

Ha! Writing a sex book together has been very stimulating! We like to celebrate sexual standing stones—the memorable, OH MY GOODNESS, stand out from the crowd types of sexual encounters. Let’s just say that writing and thinking about sex much of this last year has enabled us to add several more sexual standing stones to our memory playlist. 🙂

That gets an Amen! from me. I sometimes joke about how my husband and I do “research” for this blog — because that’s just the kind of unselfish, wanting-to-serve people we are. LOL.

Thanks, Linda and Dan, for more details about your book! I truly encourage my readers to check it out. Here’s the quick blurb about the book, followed by a fabulous offer from the Wilsons and Broadstreet Publishing.

Lovemaking: Enjoy Extravagant Intimacy in Your Marriage by Dan and Linda Wilson. Sex is meant to be beautiful, holy, and fun, and every married person can be skilled in the art of lovemaking. Lovemaking will help to: Increase your degree of sexual satisfaction, Understand the purpose and pleasure of godly sexuality, Learn how to give and receive love through sexual expression, Renew passion for your mate, Be equipped to be the world’s greatest lover for your spouse. Great sex is godly. God is the ultimate Lover, and He created us to love. He placed creativity in us to make sex exciting, never dull or routine. You can fully realize the tremendous potential for joy, fulfillment, and purpose in your marriage.

BroadStreet Publishing has given me 20 copies to give away to my subscribers for those willing to tell others about the book. (Soooo generous!) To enter your name in the drawing for one of these beautiful hardcover books:

  • Share the promotional image below on at least one social media platform (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest) with the hashtag #lovemakingbook. (Your tweet, pin, etc. will have its own url (http://____). You can post that in the comment section, and we’ll be able to click over and confirm.)
  • The publisher will randomly choose 20 people who have tagged their social media posts #lovemakingbook and contact you for your address so they can send you the book. (Remember, your email address shows up to me, and I can share it with this publisher, but it will not show up on my blog.)
  • On June 18 (two weeks from today), I’ll post the names of winners on the archive of this post.

Thank you, Wilsons and Broadstreet!

Wise Up, Wives! An Online Conference You Should Attend

Proverbs 4:5-6 says:

Get wisdom, get understanding;
  do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
  love her, and she will watch over you.

What I hope to do here on my blog is share wisdom about marriage and sex. When you soak in God’s truths about covenant love and sexual intimacy, your marriage will be blessed.

Which is why I’m thrilled to be a part of the upcoming Wisdom For Wives Conference, hosted by Jolene Engle and Christian Wife University. You might remember Jolene from her recent, and fabulous, guest post here on Hot, Holy & Humorous about working through physical pain in the marriage bed. Jolene has a beautiful heart for marriages, and her invitation to me to speak at the Wisdom for Wives Conference demonstrates her commitment to helping wives experience God’s gift of intimacy.

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But I’m definitely not the only one. I’m among a wonderful line-up of women speaking to women about important aspects of marriage. Just look at this sampling of conference speakers and topics:

  • Growing into a Godly Wife in Spite of Having Ungodly Role Models with Carlie Kercheval
  • To the Wife Who Is Ready to Run with Michelle Lindsey
  • When Porn Shows Up in Your House with Bonny Logsdon Burns
  • Nurturing Your Marriage in the Middle of the Storm with Roseann Cunningham
  • Choosing Him All Over Again: Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage & Help for Troubled Marriages with Juana Mikels
  • How to Rein in Your Emotions So You Don’t Tear Down Your Home with Jolene Engle

And my session will be:

  • 5 Steps to Improve Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage

The conference takes place online May 12-15, 2015. But you can sign up today for an early bird discount!

A lot of behind-the-scenes and in-front-of-the-camera effort is going into delivering a content-rich conference that will benefit your marriage, and that you can attend from home. I encourage you to check it out today and see all the conference sessions, resources, and special downloads attendees will receive.

443 x 443 bannerMay God bless this special event! And I pray that you can “come.”

Every marriage goes through seasons. Some seasons are exhilarating and effortless, while other seasons can be faced with serious heartache, disappointment, and downright despair. No matter what season you’re living in, the Wisdom for Wives Conference is designed to encourage, equip, affirm, and inspire you in your role as a wife so you can have the type of marriage that God intended.