Sometimes I wonder if wives who read my blog think things like: Oh, that J — she’s got sex in marriage figured out and has never struggled like we have.
Au contraire, mon amie!
I’ve written before about when my sex life sucked. Yes, it did. And I know how it feels to believe that improving your sexual intimacy is going to be a hard road. Even though you know the journey is worth it, you’re looking forward to that road with about as much excitement as a week’s-worth-of-groceries trip through Walmart with past-their-naptime children.
But this weekend, I was going back through old journals. Yes, I used to keep journals, though I haven’t done that consistently for years. I found entries in one from the time I went through a women’s Bible study based on The Power of the Praying Wife.
Chapter 4, and thus week 4, is titled “His Sexuality.” The author, Stormie Omartian, is not saying that her sexuality doesn’t matter — it most certainly does — but the focus of this study is on how to better pray for our husbands. So the chapters focus on praying for him.
When I read the prayer I’d written for that week, I knew I wanted to share it here, so you’d all know that things weren’t always terrific in J’s household — that it really is possible to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.
In my journal, I refer to my husband by name, but on my blog and social media sites, I’ve always referred to him as “Spock” because he is so much about expressing logic, and not so much about expressing emotion. (If you want to know more, read Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.)
Without further ado…
The Prayer I Wrote
Lord, I know that sex is a gift from You, which You designed specifically for husband and wife. Spock and I have struggled for a long time now with having the time and ability to experience this gift fully. Please bless us in our sex life. Help us to overcome obstacles and share our bodies with one another in the way You intended.
Please help us to find more time and energy to have sex. Help us to reach out to one another with affection throughout our days so that our sex is a natural flow of our intimacy and touch.
Lord, please held my body respond as it should to stimulation. Help Spock and me to agree on the priority that sex should have in our lives. Please give us the perspective of being unified in our lives — including physically. Thank You that my sex drive has returned somewhat and continue to increase my interest.
Please help Spock and me to remember that our bodies belong to each other. Help us to be willing to offer ourselves to one another and enjoy one another’s wonderfully made body. Help us to respect one another in deciding when to have sex — engaging each other when we should and being patient when we abstain. Give us unity in our sex life.
I know that’s all pretty vague. But I can break down exactly what we were going through from other notes in the workbook.
The Problems I Detailed
Frequency has been low because of finding time with young kids around and my pain (which recently abated).
Want sex more often, and with more affection preceding.
[My husband will] (1) Ignore me the rest of the day, then want to have sex. (2) Approach me just after I’ve been consumed with the role of mother. (Mind you, these were my feelings at the time, and that first complaint probably doesn’t reflect reality or how he saw it at the time.)
I think exercise is the most important thing I could do to make him and me feel better about my body. I’ve also begun to care for my skin better. I also need to find ways to “refresh” myself from the exhaustion I often experience.
So yeah, we weren’t having sex much, we weren’t prioritizing it, we weren’t laying the groundwork of romance and affection beforehand, I was struggling to switch from mother to lover, pain had been an issue, I didn’t feel good about my body, and I was just flat-out exhausted. Sound familiar to anyone?
Look backing, it’s funny how much of my prayers for his sexuality were really about needing God to act on my sexuality.Look backing, it's funny how much of my prayers for his sexuality were really about needing God to act on my sexuality. Click To Tweet
And while it took some time, God answered those prayers. I’m not saying we’re 100% now in all those areas. By no means! But our sex life was clearly unsatisfying then, and it’s improved a lot since. Moreover, when we face obstacles now, we’re much better talking about our sexual intimacy in ways that help get us back on track.
The Challenge for You
Some of you face challenges now that sound like these I’ve shared. Some face far greater heartache. All I want to do today is issue a challenge to write your prayer down. Ask God for what you want to have happen in your marriage bed.Ask God for what you want to have happen in your marriage bed. Click To Tweet
Then keep that prayer tucked away somewhere, so you can revisit it later. You might revisit it a few times and feel like you’re still stuck on the same stuff, but keep reading my posts, my books, other great marriage resources, and — most importantly — what God says about sex in His Word; keep praying; and keep pursuing the best for your spouse and your marriage.
You might have that great experience that I did of finding your prayer and thinking, Oh yeah, God is faithful, God is good. And my marriage bed rocks!