Tag Archives: Christianity and sex

8 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had NO Filter (Heaven Help Us All)

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage started it, by posting 9 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had No Filter. A few others (like Generous Husband) joined in on this concept, and I’ve decided to give it a go as well.

This was a real challenge, though, because I kind of don’t have a filter. (My husband laughed unnecessarily loud when I told him that.) I pretty much say what I think, although I give deep thought to how I say it. So maybe that’s my filter after all.

Anyway, here are eight things I’d say about sex if I said them exactly how they run through my brain — before I pretty them up for my blog.

woman with hand over mouth + blog post title

FOR BOTH WIVES AND HUSBANDS

1. Oh, for heaven’s sake, sex is all over the Bible! When naysayers are critical or appalled at the honest talk on my blog, I wonder if we’re even reading the same Bible. Because I remember trying to read through the Bible with my young children, and I couldn’t get far without a story about sex cropping up here and there. Everything from “Adam knew Eve” to Lot and his lunatic daughters and on and on, the Bible is filled with God telling stories and giving commands about His gift of sexual intimacy and its horrible abuses.

Yes, we need to be kind and gentle and respectful in how we talk about sex, but for heaven’s sake, it’s all over the Bible! Responsible Christian sex authors aren’t addressing anything God didn’t address in His Word.

2. Stop withholding or stop demanding, and stop acting like the other one is the whole problem. Withholders and demanders always have reasons why they’re doing it: “If he would only, then I would __.” “As my wife, she owes me __.” Or whatever. But as long as you are arrogantly certain the problem lies with the other person, nothing will improve.

If you’re demanding, stop that. Even if your spouse is supposed to give you sex, and I agree (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you’re not thus relieved of God’s calling for you to be patient, kind, selfless, etc. See 1 Corinthians 13 — a few chapters later!

And to the withholders — even if your spouse doesn’t understand how tired you are or needy of romance you are or whatever (and yes, they likely should treat you better), that doesn’t mean that you get to erect a wall, post guards, and deny entrance to the garden. When you said I do, part of that was I do sex. (Look it up! It’s in the Bible.)

Yep, if you’re on one of these extremes, you can rationalize all day long but it won’t negate that you are not in line with God’s intention for your marriage and things won’t get better until one of you changes. Since you can’t force your spouse to change, how about you start?

3. Talk to your children about sex — yesterday, today, tomorrow, and on and on until they are good and raised. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, you feel unqualified. Yes, your children might buck you at times. But the world will be sending erroneous messages to your child almost 24/7 from the moment they can read the magazine cover in the grocery store line. It’s your God-given responsibility to get over the awkwardness and give your child the truth about sexual intimacy.

By toddlerhood, we parents have been peed on, vomited on, and who knows what else. Face it: We signed up for difficult and awkward! Come on, I believe in you. Step up and talk to your children about sex — now, and again and again.

FOR THE WIVES

4. Relax already! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts. If you tense every time like you’re getting a pelvic exam, it’s no wonder you don’t like sex. You’ve got to relax to enjoy this intimate experience with your husband! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts, where your most arouse-able areas get extra-stimulated and pampered. Lean into the interesting sensations like you would a fabulous massage or a relaxing pedicure.

If you practice relaxing and focusing on how you feel in those moments, you might find your body is capable of some super-neat sensations. And your husband has nice skills — especially once you hint or tell him where you like to be touched. Stop thinking about how you look, or what someone else would think, or if the kids will walk in (you locked the door, right?), or whatever. Relax!

5. Get into it. Flirt. Tease. Move. Moan. Wouldn’t it stink to go out dancing and have your husband merely shuffle his feet through the tango (or Texas two-step where I live)? Likewise, it ain’t enough to show up and offer your body like it’s a big sacrificial gesture. Don’t merely go through the motions. It doesn’t make you embarrassing or sleazy to really get into it.

Own your sexuality! Flirt with your husband. Tease and touch him. Move around as you make love. Moan and scream. Let loose and you might find you enjoy it more! He’ll really like it too. Trust me on that.

6. So what if the kids hear! You think that‘s what will cause them to seek therapy? Sure, I’ve probably done something as a mom for which my kids could seek therapy someday — some mistake on my part a few counseling sessions would help. But I’m fairly certain that moment your kids realize their parents have sex won’t ruin them or cause Freud to sit up in his coffin and shout, “Told you so!” Kids are more resilient than that!

Even if your children do hear or (heaven forbid) walk in, They. Will. Be. Okay. It’s actually good for children to know their parents make love and that sexual intimacy is a gift from God to marriage. So stop worrying so much. Of course you should lock the door, tuck away your intimacy aids, and hold off having naked Twister in the living room until they’re gone, but if they hear? Hey, that’s just what loving mommies and daddies do.

FOR THE HUSBANDS

7. She’s never had an orgasm? What are you doing wrong?! To be fair, there is a percentage of wives who have major issues reaching orgasm, and it has nothing to do with their husbands. But honestly, there’s a contingent of men out there who haven’t made this the patient priority they should.

Look, I know it’s annoying you can get there in five minutes and she takes forty. But she will like sex more when you help her find that real climax. And orgasms beget orgasms, so even if you have to spend a lot of time at first helping her figure out what gets her aroused and learning what you can do to stimulate her, it will pay off in the long run. That first orgasm is often the hardest to reach.

Now don’t worry if she doesn’t orgasm every single time (sometimes, some wives don’t even want to that much), but please make it a priority for her to reach climax fairly regularly. You’ll both be happier if you can figure this out.

8. Were you raised by wolves? You can’t just sniff her out, honk a breast, and think you’re getting some tonight. You are not an animal, you’re a real man. That means you woo your woman. You didn’t just catch her and drag her back to your den years ago and now the chase is over. Nope. You’ll be pursuing her for the rest of your life.

Tuck that away in your brain and figure out how to make her feel so loved and desired and valued and appreciated and beautiful . . . that making love to you sounds like a dream come true. Take your time: Show her your romantic side, touch and kiss just for the sake of it, pay attention to the areas of her body that are not erogenous zones, and treat her like the “weaker sex” (1 Peter 3:7). That verse doesn’t mean she’s actually weak, but rather Handle With Care.

Oh, and help her deal with those distractions that keep her from focusing on the two of you. In summation, no honking a breast and make her feel blessed.

That’s it! Eight things I’d say if I had no filter. Which, heaven help us all, I’ve now said.

My 2015 Resolutions (for Me and My Blog)

Some people love New Year’s resolutions, some people hate them. I know the arguments against.

But I’m on the side of enjoying resolutions and that sense of a fresh start at the beginning of the year. So today — New Year’s Day — I thought I’d share my 2015 resolutions for myself and for Hot, Holy & Humorous with you. I hope you’ll share yours with me in the comments!

Blog title & resolution list

1. Release Behind Closed Doors: Inspirational Stories on Marriage and Intimacy. Last year, it was my goal to release a collection of short stories in the summer, then it became the fall, and finally after the start of the year. *sigh* It just so happened that one of my stories needed a complete rewrite, and now that’s done, I’m polishing up the book and getting ready to publish. At this point, I am aiming for a Valentine’s season release. I’m particularly excited about sharing some fiction with you, since that’s what I write when I’m not writing about sex and marriage and I believe in the power of story.

2. Get Intimacy Revealed into as many formats as possible. Currently, you can get my books through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. However, I don’t believe either book is on iBooks or Kobo, and I want to get them there. I really don’t want anyone who wishes to read my books to be hampered by issues of format. That also means that I’m hoping and praying I can release audiobooks as well. (I’d actually like to do a “read by author” version, if at all possible.)

Edited to add: Intimacy Revealed on Kobo and Hot, Holy and Humorous on Kobo

3. Read more marriage and intimacy books. I read several in 2014, but I want to read more. Thankfully, so many more books and resources on Christian marriage and sex exist now than ten, twenty, thirty years ago. If someone else has put out fabulous material, I want to learn what they have to say and be able to point my readers to that resource. So I’m gathering my list of books I definitely want to read, hoping I can get to at least 10 next year.

4. Reveal myself. Ack! There, I said it. I guess I can’t take it back now, can I? (Can I?) When I started blogging four years ago, I had several reasons for choosing anonymity. It’s funny that many people assume I did so simply so I could speak more freely about sex, but I’ve always operated on the assumption that my words and my identity would someday be matched in public. And I don’t think I’ve said anything that would prohibit me from showing my face. (Have I?) Anyway, my reasonable concerns about revealing myself have been disintegrating over the years, as I knew they would eventually. So yeah, I’m planning to put a face with the name. But nothing much will change here at Hot, Holy & Humorous. I’ve always been myself, and I plan to still go by “J” since I’ve come to like that moniker and it feels comfortably familiar.

5. Start speaking. I’d say “Ack!” here too, but I already used that above. Here’s the truth: I’ve done some public speaking before. Just not on sex. But I obviously have a passion for passion, and I’ve been getting the sneaking suspicion it’s time to take my message to live audiences. (Double Ack!) Don’t expect a 30-city tour or something, but I will likely open myself up to a few speaking engagements in the latter part of 2015. If I don’t trip on stage or otherwise make a complete fool of myself, I’ll keep speaking.

6. Attend a ministry conference. This is actually on my “bucket list,” which I far prefer to call my “life list” since the bucket I’ll be kicking is many, many years down the road. Regardless, I enjoy attending conferences. The education, encouragement, and enthusiasm can ignite new excitement for the work one does. I’m perusing possibilities, but I’m praying my funds and my calendar will allow me to attend a professional conference next year, one that will spur me on in my ministry here.

So that’s it for my resolutions! What would you like to see me (“J”) or Hot, Holy & Humorous do in 2015? And what are your own resolutions for the New Year?

* * * * *

What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Purchase:
Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Print book

Are Christian Sex Authors Unconventional?

woman working on laptopYou might think the automatic answer to that question is yes. After all, it’s a rather recent phenomenon to have so many Christian voices speaking openly and boldly about sexuality. It’s true that a blog like mine, primarily devoted to sexual intimacy and from a biblical perspective, isn’t common. However, I’m hardly alone. There’s been an upsurge in Christian writers and speakers focusing on marriage and intimacy.

But some recent events have reminded that we still look odd to a lot of people. After all, many of us come from religious traditions that were at best nervous and at worst condemning of sexual activity — yes, even in marriage. Certainly, many churches have a history of poor or nonexistent teaching on godly intimacy.

And now, there are a bunch of us not only willing to say the word sex publicly, but to espouse that God has stuff to say about it and we can get into some nitty-gritty ideas for married couples to spice things up. Surely, that makes Christian sex authors unconventional?

Actually, while the means of delivering our message has changed, I think biblically based Christian sex authors are the truly conventional ones. Let’s take Merriam-Webster’s definition:

conventional adjective
: used and accepted by most people : usual or traditional
: of a kind that has been around for a long time and is considered to be usual or typical
: common and ordinary : not unusual

The overwhelming message from the Bible is that God created sex for marriage and wants His people to enjoy it to the fullest. It starts in Genesis, runs through the Old Testament, and gets reinforced in the New Testament. The exhortation to have frequent, intimate, pleasurable sex within marriage has been around a long time, is typical for the Bible, and was widely accepted among God’s people for centuries.

Although God’s people have strayed in preaching and practice many times, the core message remains the same: God gave marriage the gift of sex, and we should treasure His gift.

Of course, the means by which we deliver the message has certainly changed. Rather than chatting with other women at our Mikveh and trading truths about sex in marriage, I’m typing on this keyboard and sending out my two cents to women across the world through the Internet. That part is unconventional (although I suspect it will seem conventional at some point).

Regardless, what I say here is what I’d say if we chatted it up over coffee . . . or way-back-when at the community well where we drew water. And it’s based on what God’s been saying for millennia — sex in marriage is, and should feel, good. I’m hardly breaking new ground — just finding new ways to say it.

And soon, I’ll have two more ways to communicate God’s age-old truth about sexual intimacy in marriage. I’m hoping and praying my next two books will be released before the end of the year.

One will be a weekly devotional book with 52 devotions to enhance sex in your marriage. And the second is a book of fiction, Behind Closed Doors, with five short stories about marriage and intimacy. Are these typical ways to deliver a message of truth and hope about sex? Probably not. But in everything I do, I return to the well-established foundation of God Himself and His Word.

What has struck you as conventional or unconventional about Christian sex authors? What ways have you seen for modern-day Christians to express ancient biblical truths?

Let’s Talk About Sex, Shall We?

What a treat today to welcome Lauren Hanna! She’s a blogger at The Encouragement Express, which delivers daily encouragement to believers. It could be a verse, a quote, a blog post, or something else that gets you thinking and inspires you in your day.

Lauren describes herself as a “Holy Spirit junkie” and she loves puns, so I knew she was my kind of gal when she offered a guest post to Hot, Holy & Humorous. She’s got a perspective I couldn’t have offered, so I’m thrilled to have her here today — talking about why we should go ahead and talk about sex.

Take it away, Lauren!

Mom & daughter talking

I am a 25-year-old engaged virgin. You can only imagine the comments that I have heard because of this. There has been something that I have noticed though. So many people shy away from talking about sex around me. Because of this there is a fear that I have discovered, and I want to expose it. The fear is… “If I talk about sex to someone and tell them how great it is, they are going to end up sleeping around.”

I want to stand (metaphorically of course) in front of all of you and say, “I am living proof that this is not true.” In fact, quite the opposite is true. So for all of you happily marrieds out there, let me encourage you — talk about sex. Talk about it with your single friends, kids, and kids’ friends. Now hear me on this, obviously be age appropriate with these conversations. You don’t need to go graphic for us to get the picture, but it’s something that needs to be talked about.

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing women mentors who were never afraid to be vulnerable with me when I had those awkward questions. Let’s face it. We’re all curious, and if we don’t find out the information from someone we know and trust, we’ll go looking for it elsewhere.

I remember the first potentially awkward conversation I had with a worship leader at my church when I was in my late teens. My best friend and I came up to her, wondering what on earth KY was. We had been seeing all of these commercials on TV for it. We knew it dealt with something in the bedroom, but no idea what or why it was needed. God bless this worship leader! She sat us down, and proceeded to describe what it was, and why lubricants are used. She described how the first time having sex can sometimes hurt the woman and having a lubricant can make the process a lot easier. Call me naive, but I had no idea that was even a thing! I just figured that the first time I had sex it would go like clockwork. My whole world opened up.

Having women in my life who answer these questions is priceless. I mean you should hear the questions I have asked. Be creative in thinking about that, because chances are I’ve asked what you’re thinking about.

Another reason why I think it is so important for the marrieds to talk about sex, is because you are having it in exactly the way the Lord intended. You don’t realize it, but we see and take in everything. We look at you guys and dream of what our marriages will be like.

These women who’ve mentored me have all talked about their sex life in some capacity to me. Sometimes it’s as a joke or a funny story. Sometimes it’s been endearing and romantic. And sometimes it’s even shown me how sex can comfort you in times of trial and grief. All of these things make me so look forward to getting to be with my future husband. However, hearing their stories showed me how intimate sex is, that it’s not really meant to be as casual as our culture would say. To be honest, I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else besides my husband.

The best way I can describe it is this. Remember when you were a kid at a theme park, and you couldn’t go on a roller coaster ride because you were too short? Oh you heard the tales of how exciting and fun these machines are, and you couldn’t wait until you were tall enough. If you were like me you would stand next to the fridge and pray that you would be as tall as it was. Did you try to sneak on the ride anyway? No. You waited. Eagerly. Then that day came when you were tall enough to ride the roller coaster, and you were so excited! That’s how all the talking about sex has been for me. I’m the kid who’s not quite tall enough to ride the roller coaster. I understand that it’s best if I wait because it’ll be so much better if I do.

Finally, talking about sex takes the pressure off. I’m sure you remember your first time — there’s a lot of pressure! However, when I read blogs like this one, and talk to family and friends it completely takes the pressure off having to perform.

I have begun to understand that having sex is so much more than the physical. It is the mental, emotional, and spiritual too. The way sex has been portrayed to me is a deeper intimacy between you, your best friend, and the Lord. Sometimes all will go as planned, and other times it won’t — so you have a good laugh and move on. In fact, it has been told to me on more than one occasion that we don’t have to feel like we need to get everything perfect the first time… or the second… or the tenth time! We have our whole lives to get to know each other in this way. That removed the weight of the world off me the first time I heard it.

So please, on behalf of all the single people out there. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, and certainly don’t hold back if we ask you something. On behalf of my generation, we need this.

I know more people who have fallen into porn, because they got curious about how this stuff works and next thing you know, they’re addicted. I have more friends who wish someone would have had a real conversation about sex, answer their questions, and more specifically talk about why it’s important to keep sex in the bounds of marriage. Multiple people have told me they probably would have waited until marriage to have sex had those conversations occurred.

You have a precious gift and a wealth of wisdom that we need. This generation and the next are crying out for it. I promise you we will be far more receptive than you realize. Even if we act awkward or annoyed, don’t let it discourage you. It is still sinking in! You’re planting seeds, and giving us the best chance for a successful marriage and sex life. Both my fiancé and I have learned way more than most going into marriage, and because of that we have been set up for success in the bedroom as well as our marriage as a whole.

Lauren HannaLauren Hanna is a 25-year-old composer based out of LA. She took up blog writing about five years ago when people started asking her to send them daily encouragements. One thing lead to another, and now she is the writer of a successful blog called The Encouragement Express. She loves God with all her heart and loves seeing people become who He made them to be.

31 Days to A Better Marriage: SEX

Last year, I was pleased to participate in the 31 Days to a Better Marriage, hosted then by Jolene Engle. The result was a month full of fabulous posts by marriage bloggers and then a free downloadable book — all with the goal of growing and strengthening your marriage.

Once again, I’m involved in this marvelous project, this time hosted by Carlie Kercheval of Managing Your Blessings.

31 Days to a Better Marriage Banner

Today, the topic is mine. And not surprisingly, it’s about sexual intimacy in marriage. I’m one of the few marriage bloggers who’ll be writing on the topic of godly sex, so be sure to check it out. Of course, the other 30 days of posts will also be worth your while!

Here’s the opening of my post, along with a link to read the rest:

3 Things Your Husband Feels about Sex – That You Might Not Know or Believe

Having blogged for four years on Christian sex in marriage, I’ve logged over 6,800 comments. Although my main audience is wives, many men provide feedback. Again and again, husbands have touched on three themes…which surprised me.

CLICK TO READ MORE.