Hot, Holy & Humorous

Let’s Talk About Sex, Shall We?

What a treat today to welcome Lauren Hanna! She’s a blogger at The Encouragement Express, which delivers daily encouragement to believers. It could be a verse, a quote, a blog post, or something else that gets you thinking and inspires you in your day.

Lauren describes herself as a “Holy Spirit junkie” and she loves puns, so I knew she was my kind of gal when she offered a guest post to Hot, Holy & Humorous. She’s got a perspective I couldn’t have offered, so I’m thrilled to have her here today — talking about why we should go ahead and talk about sex.

Take it away, Lauren!

Mom & daughter talking

I am a 25-year-old engaged virgin. You can only imagine the comments that I have heard because of this. There has been something that I have noticed though. So many people shy away from talking about sex around me. Because of this there is a fear that I have discovered, and I want to expose it. The fear is… “If I talk about sex to someone and tell them how great it is, they are going to end up sleeping around.”

I want to stand (metaphorically of course) in front of all of you and say, “I am living proof that this is not true.” In fact, quite the opposite is true. So for all of you happily marrieds out there, let me encourage you — talk about sex. Talk about it with your single friends, kids, and kids’ friends. Now hear me on this, obviously be age appropriate with these conversations. You don’t need to go graphic for us to get the picture, but it’s something that needs to be talked about.

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing women mentors who were never afraid to be vulnerable with me when I had those awkward questions. Let’s face it. We’re all curious, and if we don’t find out the information from someone we know and trust, we’ll go looking for it elsewhere.

I remember the first potentially awkward conversation I had with a worship leader at my church when I was in my late teens. My best friend and I came up to her, wondering what on earth KY was. We had been seeing all of these commercials on TV for it. We knew it dealt with something in the bedroom, but no idea what or why it was needed. God bless this worship leader! She sat us down, and proceeded to describe what it was, and why lubricants are used. She described how the first time having sex can sometimes hurt the woman and having a lubricant can make the process a lot easier. Call me naive, but I had no idea that was even a thing! I just figured that the first time I had sex it would go like clockwork. My whole world opened up.

Having women in my life who answer these questions is priceless. I mean you should hear the questions I have asked. Be creative in thinking about that, because chances are I’ve asked what you’re thinking about.

Another reason why I think it is so important for the marrieds to talk about sex, is because you are having it in exactly the way the Lord intended. You don’t realize it, but we see and take in everything. We look at you guys and dream of what our marriages will be like.

These women who’ve mentored me have all talked about their sex life in some capacity to me. Sometimes it’s as a joke or a funny story. Sometimes it’s been endearing and romantic. And sometimes it’s even shown me how sex can comfort you in times of trial and grief. All of these things make me so look forward to getting to be with my future husband. However, hearing their stories showed me how intimate sex is, that it’s not really meant to be as casual as our culture would say. To be honest, I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else besides my husband.

The best way I can describe it is this. Remember when you were a kid at a theme park, and you couldn’t go on a roller coaster ride because you were too short? Oh you heard the tales of how exciting and fun these machines are, and you couldn’t wait until you were tall enough. If you were like me you would stand next to the fridge and pray that you would be as tall as it was. Did you try to sneak on the ride anyway? No. You waited. Eagerly. Then that day came when you were tall enough to ride the roller coaster, and you were so excited! That’s how all the talking about sex has been for me. I’m the kid who’s not quite tall enough to ride the roller coaster. I understand that it’s best if I wait because it’ll be so much better if I do.

Finally, talking about sex takes the pressure off. I’m sure you remember your first time — there’s a lot of pressure! However, when I read blogs like this one, and talk to family and friends it completely takes the pressure off having to perform.

I have begun to understand that having sex is so much more than the physical. It is the mental, emotional, and spiritual too. The way sex has been portrayed to me is a deeper intimacy between you, your best friend, and the Lord. Sometimes all will go as planned, and other times it won’t — so you have a good laugh and move on. In fact, it has been told to me on more than one occasion that we don’t have to feel like we need to get everything perfect the first time… or the second… or the tenth time! We have our whole lives to get to know each other in this way. That removed the weight of the world off me the first time I heard it.

So please, on behalf of all the single people out there. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, and certainly don’t hold back if we ask you something. On behalf of my generation, we need this.

I know more people who have fallen into porn, because they got curious about how this stuff works and next thing you know, they’re addicted. I have more friends who wish someone would have had a real conversation about sex, answer their questions, and more specifically talk about why it’s important to keep sex in the bounds of marriage. Multiple people have told me they probably would have waited until marriage to have sex had those conversations occurred.

You have a precious gift and a wealth of wisdom that we need. This generation and the next are crying out for it. I promise you we will be far more receptive than you realize. Even if we act awkward or annoyed, don’t let it discourage you. It is still sinking in! You’re planting seeds, and giving us the best chance for a successful marriage and sex life. Both my fiancé and I have learned way more than most going into marriage, and because of that we have been set up for success in the bedroom as well as our marriage as a whole.

Lauren HannaLauren Hanna is a 25-year-old composer based out of LA. She took up blog writing about five years ago when people started asking her to send them daily encouragements. One thing lead to another, and now she is the writer of a successful blog called The Encouragement Express. She loves God with all her heart and loves seeing people become who He made them to be.

19 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex, Shall We?”

  1. I am a 23-year-old engaged virgin (getting married this Saturday!) and agree wholeheartedly with every word here. She is absolutely right. While I have benefited greatly from this blog and other Christian blogs (most of which are linked to this site), it would have been an invaluable resource if an older, married, Christian lady (or a few) had been willing to answer my questions in person.

    I know sometimes on blogs other people comment to back up a point, and if I can in any way back up what Lauren has said here, please consider this my vote!

    I hope this post is the extra kickstart/support someone needs to make friends with younger engaged girls and provide support and information. While this is the most exciting time of life I have had to date, it is also by far the biggest transition and has the potential to be rather unnerving. So the presence and support of older ladies who have ‘been there, done that, still doing it’ is desperately needed. I know that I prayed for a lady to give me advice and answer my questions as I approach my wedding–just think, by your willingness to speak, you could be the answer to someone’s prayer.

  2. “So please, on behalf of all the single people out there. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, and certainly don’t hold back if we ask you something. On behalf of my generation, we need this.”

    Amen and amen! And I would add “on behalf of all generations of single/virgin people out there…” We appreciate hearing the truth; whether or not easy to swallow.

    1. Amazing how the truth is the best thing to tell, huh? Of course, I believe in tailoring the message to age and stage, but sex shouldn’t be a forbidden topic. God never seemed to shy away from it.

      Thanks, Greg.

  3. Love this post.
    But I do have one concern/comment (probably more aimed at J). Not that I have any single people in my life asking me about sex now, but I do think about how I am going to communicate it to my kids as they grow. So my question is, if we aren’t experiencing a great sex life ourselves should we just be quiet then? I mean I love blogs like this where people who are hurting can come and talk about things, but I don’t really want to tell a young 20-something year old bride “Hey, by the way, it can really suck too and you may not have an orgasm for years to come.” I mean if someone were to ask me now, I certainly have the head knowledge to share (you should wait, its a spiritual thing, etc.) but do I really want to share that even though I waited too, that wait did not pay off with great sex, but instead has been a real struggle in our 10+ years of marriage. I mean I don’t want to depress anyone, not to mention cause embarrassment to myself and hubby.

    1. Do not stay quiet! You don’t need to fill your kids on what your sex life is like exactly; frankly, they don’t want to hear anything like that. Rather, teach them God’s design for sexuality while striving for it yourself in your marriage. You can tell your kids that fabulous sex isn’t a guarantee in marriage, but rather something you have to desire and seek. But please don’t stay silent because you don’t have everything figured out just yet. Your kids need you to faithfully deliver the biblical message.

      GREAT question.

    2. If I may chime in–I think it is important to be willing to answer questions, but at the same time, please allow me to be honest. My parents do not have a very good or happy relationship, including what I imagine (but have certainly never asked) to be a not-so-great sex life. As a result, although I tried very hard to educate myself through this blog and others like it, reading a few Christian books on marriage and marital intimacy, etc., I never asked either of my parents a single question about sex. Frankly, I didn’t want their advice. I saw all too clearly that what they had wasn’t working, and I didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t want a bad or warped perspective on sex in marriage and God’s plan for me and my (then) fiance.

      I don’t know your situation and wouldn’t dare to hand out cut-and-paste advice on what you should do, but if there is anything you can do to improve your own marriage and sex life, that would be an incredible testimony to those who are looking forward to marriage and hoping for mentors or question-answer-ers. I spent most of my teen years and the first few years of college not even sure if I wanted to get married, because I had seen the misery and loneliness that could come from being in a lifelong relationship with someone you didn’t like anymore. It wasn’t until I got to know my husband’s family and church community and saw some solid marriages that I got some confidence that things could be great and was able to have the nerve to accept a marriage proposal and marry. I determined in my early teens that I would rather be single than endure a miserable marriage. For all I know you are already doing everything in your power to improve your marriage, but if you’re not–I beg you, prioritize this relationship and cover it with prayer and do everything you can to turn things around!! God bless.

  4. I agree wholeheartedly with you, Lauren!! My husband and I have been dating since we were 14, happily married for the last 8 years. I wish I had had somebody to go to about sex questions, marriage and relationship questions, you name it! Any time I would try to approach somebody, I would get the impression they thought we were just a cute young couple in ‘puppy love’ who would eventually go our separate ways.

    The one major thing I wish somebody told me was that for us women, sex is so tied in with our emotions. We were virgins on our wedding night 8 years ago, but I remember crying in the bathroom that night, realizing that I had already given myself emotionally to him years before and my expectations for that night were completely different. In fact, the one piece of advice we got was from our Christian premarital counselor, who actually suggested we get MORE physical before the wedding so it wouldn’t be awkward on the wedding night! Definitely the worst advice we have ever received.

    1. It breaks my heart that you boldly approached people and were turned away. I pray that you use your experience to turn around and bless those behind you, with the wisdom you’ve gained. May God bless your marriage bed again and again!

  5. I like talking about sex and being very open about it but I’m worried I am not a good example for someone who is about to get married because I slept with my husband before we got married and to be honest I couldn’t say I regret it very much either. The second reason why I would hesitate to talk to a young bride is because we didn’t have any problems with our sex life and it was wonderful and intimate from the start so I am not sure if that would discourage someone who struggles a bit at the start and make them think they are the weired one out. Do you think these are valid reasons or should someone with a not ideal-example story go ahead and talk anyway?

    1. I don’t think you have to go into much detail about your own sex life with someone. Rather, you can speak to the wisdom of the Bible and tips for better sexual intimacy in marriage. Go ahead and talk to someone, give them what you can give.

  6. Thank you for sharing this perspective! I’ve always been uncomfortable talking about sex to singles, not because I thought it would stumble them, but more because I didn’t want to be unkind by talking about a blessing they hadn’t experienced (yet). My husband and I started dating when I was 17 and were married when I was 20. I started from scratch, self-educating myself about sex (sheltered badly and lots of negative connotations) which ended up being harmful to our relationship. We weren’t virgins when we were married and it took years to work through the consequences of our actions. Thankfully, God is good and used our bad decisions to reveal His love and grace. We have 4 kids together now and just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary in July and I gotta say, the sex just keeps getting better and better!! So excited for you to experience it! Blessings on your upcoming wedding!

    1. I’ve wondered that too — if it’s hard to discuss something so wonderful and then say “but don’t do it!” But it’s funny how it doesn’t seem to work that way. I think more teens and singles get intrigued by sex because they don’t hear the truth about it, and then they want to go experience it for themselves.

      If we share God’s truth about sex, I think it gives them a reason to wait…so they can have all the blessings in store for them.

  7. I got married 2 months before I turned 30. My husband and I were virgins until our wedding night. We read books and blogs which were very helpful. The most helpful thing was when, a week before my wedding, my matron of honor sat me down and gave me details and helpful suggestions. She and my bridesmaids, gave me a “honeymoon kit” which contained towels, washcloths, condoms, lubricant, etc. There are things that you simply don’t think about when you are a virgin and will not know until someone tells you or you figure it out on your wedding night. I vowed then to be open and honest with my single friends, especially ones who are engaged. I had a friend get married this summer who was in her late 30s and still a virgin. I asked her if anyone had had conversations with her about sex and she said “not really.” So, I gave advice to her that my bridesmaids gave to me. Afterwards, she thanked me and said that my suggestions really helped. I read many blog posts written by women who really wished someone had talked to them and was so thankful that someone did talk to me.

  8. This is a really great perspective. I had a lot of questions about sex before I got married. My parents were always so open with talking to me about it. I’m so glad I had someone to ask the hard questions. I’m also glad that this author is happy to hear about sex. I didn’t even think about people turning to porn because they have questions. That really won’t answer anything. Basically, it will just add to the problem of not knowing what to expect.

  9. Pingback: Views on Sex from a Recently Married Virgin | Hot, Holy & Humorous

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