Tag Archives: Marriage Gems

More on Wife’s Low Sex Drive

Q&ALast Monday, I answered a question from a reader about her low sex drive, providing a checklist for possible causes so that the libido issue can be addressed. Another reader asked a similar question in my Q&A for J at HHH post. Here it is:

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We were great friends for years before, have known each other since we were kids, and have lots of fun together. We did not have sex until we were married (he had before me though). I have always heard about great sex lives, and how much people love it, and how amazing it is, but honestly, I just don’t get it.

I have practically no sex drive to begin with (we have sex maybe a couple times a month, and we are in our 20s)–I know this hurts him. So when we do have sex, it often feels like it’s a chore for me. I have been told many times by other Christians that it is my wifely duty and I have to…I can’t always be turning him down just because I don’t want to. When we do, he is willing to take his time, etc., but I just want to get it over with as soon as possible so I can go to sleep. I rarely enjoy it. Honestly, I only enjoy sex if I have had a few drinks, and I don’t do that often. I don’t want my sex life to be based on alcohol making it better.

I feel like I could go forever without sex and be just fine. I just don’t want it and when we have it, it’s nothing great. I have wondered several times what the big deal is. Add to all this that I just feel AWKWARD and so uncomfortable. My husband likes to play around and grab me, etc., but I hate it. I feel like I am being groped by someone who is just a good friend, not my husband. And when we have sex, I am uncomfortable–it just feels awkward to me. It doesn’t feel intimate and loving–it just feels like sex. Nothing more. And afterwards, I usually feel so strange about it too.

I’m sorry this is so long. We have struggled with this for years. I have told my husband I just have no sex drive (it actually broke up my parent’s marriage bc of my father being that way, so maybe it’s genetic?) but I know he wants more. I always feel guilty or used when it comes to sex, and only satisfied if tipsy. Any help??

Don’t you have compassion for this couple? I do.

Since I posted my two cents about this subject last week, I wanted to come back and offer more resources this week. There are plenty of fellow marriage bloggers who have addressed the issue of a wife’s low sex drive as well. If this is a problem for you in your marriage, check out one or more of the following resources (and this is by no means a comprehensive list):

One Flesh Marriage: Do I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit?

One Flesh Marriage: Sexual Intimacy: Journey from Broken to Beauty

Marriage Gems: Possible Solutions for Low Libido

Do Not Disturb: Sex Drives: Libido Saboteurs

To Love, Honor & Vacuum: Reawaken Your Body

The Marriage Bed: Lack of Desire

Winning at Romance: Where Oh Where Did My Libido Go?

Intimacy for Marriage: 5 Things I Learned from My Failed Marriage

Pearl’s Oyster Bed: Where Did My Sexy Go?

Let me clear that while I believe that 1 Corinthians 7:5 instructs spouses that they have a sexual duty to one another, God doesn’t want you to approach sex in your marriage as a chore. Rather, the Bible talks about godly sexuality in marriage as:

Becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:18, 1 Corinthians 6:16, Ephesians 5:31).

Satisfying (Proverbs 5:19).

Delightful (Song of Songs 1:2, 2:3, 4:10).

Pure (Hebrews 13:4).

If you do not feel these things in your marriage, try to figure out why. I often hear from couples who went from floundering to flourishing sex lives in their marriage. It may take some effort on your part to find out what’s happening or not happening and then address it; however, it is worth the effort to strengthen this area of your marriage.

Finally, I want to suggest talking to your husband about how you feel about sex now and how you want to feel about sex. Attaining quality sexual intimacy in marriage should be a joint endeavor. Most husbands would be happy to do whatever they can to help you awaken your desire.

One last thing: If you are a wife who went from flailing libido to flaming libido, please comment below on how you got there. What was the issue and how did you address it? You might be able to help someone else if they are experiencing a similar problem.

Soul Mate or Sole Mate?

Entwined hearts

By Eds 07 (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

I don’t believe in soul mates.

It’s a popular notion in western culture that there is someone out there perfectly designed for you — a soul mate. This belief is actually rooted in Greek mythology.

According to the myth, the world was once populated by beings who were both male and female. As they became faster and stronger, the gods feared that these humans would challenge them and take over the world. Zeus had a great idea. He severed the beings into male and female counterparts. By doing so, he limited their power, doubled the number of humans available to worship the gods, and introduced a new way of reproduction. In the wake of Zeus’s actions, the humans now search long and hard to find their natural mate, the one who is their specific counterpart, their “soul mate.”

Of course, we no longer belief that Zeus was involved, but the concept of soul mates remains. Author Richard Bach said, “A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks.” There is the ever-popular love scene from the movie Jerry Maguire in which Tom Cruise’s character appeals to Rene Zelwegger’s by saying, “I love you. You complete me.”

I admit to being attracted to the notion of my “other half,” especially when we Christians talk about two becoming one. One divided makes one-half, right? And having my hubby say something along the lines of “you complete me” or “you’re my soul mate” can weaken my knees a little.

But I don’t really believe it.

I’m not sure others do at their core. In fact, Tom Cruise has been married three times, Renee Zelwegger married and divorced once, and Richard Bach was married three times — divorcing his wife whom he had described as his “soul mate” after 22 years of marriage. Despite what these people said in books or movie parts, they haven’t experienced it themselves. I can find plenty of other examples of people claiming to have found a soul mate only to break up years later.

Instead, I believe in Sole Mates.

Of course, you want to choose someone with whom you have a special connection and a shared direction in life. But if you want a really great marriage and wonderful intimacy within that marriage, you’d do far better to adopt the biblical notion of sole mate.

Throughout the Bible, marriages come about in various ways. Fathers gifted their daughters as wives to worthy men, parents arranged marriages, kings selected wives, and men and women fell in love. The Bible’s one direction in this regard is to marry within our faith.

After that, the focus is entirely on how you treat one another in marriage. Presumably, however you get your spouse, if you are both committed to God and His commands and to one another, you can have a great marriage. It isn’t about finding your soul mate, but about committing to your sole mate.

Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems recently reported on a long-term study by UCLA psychologists looking at commitment in marriage. Fewer marital problems and reduced divorced rates were associated with the type of commitment that says:

“I’m committed to this relationship, but it’s not going very well — I need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps I need to take to keep this relationship moving forward.” In other words, the partner is willing to take active steps to maintain the relationship, even if sacrifices are needed. He or she says, “I’m committed to making this relationship work.”

This shouldn’t be surprising, since this is the very kind of commitment described by agape love in the New Testament. It goes beyond friendship love (philia), familial love (storge), and romantic love (eros). Those are all significant forms of love. But agape is a selfless, sacrificial love, committed to the well-being of the other. It says, “I value you, my sole mate, and our relationship above myself. I will seek out our good each and every day for the rest of my life.”

Indeed, if you take that attitude, your souls will feel closer. You will have a spiritual connection, as well as an emotional and practical one. Taking this approach to the bedroom, you will experience an intense physical connection as well, as your bodies become “one flesh.”

However you snagged your honey — whether it was a beautiful romance and engagement worthy of its own film depiction or you got knocked up in high school and married the dad in a shotgun wedding — God can mold this into a marriage worthy of heavenly applause. Your Father is rooting for you. He isn’t concerned that you missed your perfect soul mate and instead landed your sole mate. Don’t mistake God for Zeus. The LORD knows that if you do things His way, you can find joy and intimacy in your relationship.

Embrace your sole mate. Make sure he knows that he has your attention, your commitment, your whole self. Start tonight.

Top Marriage Blogs 2011

Growing up, I was one of those kids during fundraisers who barely rapped on the neighbor’s door, hoped they wouldn’t answer, and when they peeked their head out murmured, “Do you want to buy _____? You don’t have to.” I hated selling! To this day, it is difficult for me to promote products or myself.

Top 10 Marriage Blogs 2011 logoSo when I received word that Stu and Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage are gathering nominations for their 3rd Annual Top Marriage Blogs List, I wondered how I should handle this. Ignore it? Mention it briefly and move on? Ask for a nomination from readers? Or simply go the route of Shameless Self-Promotion?

Then I decided that I’d rather focus on other great marriage blogs. So here are some terrific blogs I currently follow.

The Generous Wife. Lori Byerly gives daily encouragement for marriages with tips on everything from household organization to date ideas to sexual insights. These are quick reads, and there is a lot wives can apply to their marriages to make them better. Lori also does a round-up of posts from other blogs that have stood out to her, and I click through many of those links and find great material.

The Generous Husband. Paul Byerly speaks to the husbands in his daily posts on being a generous husband. I read them, though, because I get a lot of out of his blog. Both genders can learn from his tips for being kinder, more engaged, and more Christ-like in our marriages.

Intimacy in Marriage. Julie Sibert tackles the tough marital intimacy issues with aplomb. She’s covered everything from talking to your kids about sex to positions to her masturbation posts with me. She also posts straightforward advice on how to have a great sex life with your spouse. I highly recommend her blog and have yet to read a post I didn’t get something from.

Marriage Gems. Lori Lowe aptly titled her blog. She takes a research-based approach to strengthening marriage and keeps readers up-to-date on the latest information and studies. Also, her book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss is coming out in December 2011.

One Flesh Marriage. Brad and Kate Aldrich trade posts. They cover a wide variety of topics and do a great job of breaking down issues and providing step-by-step tips for working on problem areas. Their blog is informative and encouraging.

Preengaged. Eric and Heather Viets both post to their blog. Their topics are aimed at couples not yet engaged, engaged, or early into marriage. Yet a lot of what they say applies to all of us marrieds. They are able to take daily occurrences and draw lessons from them for our relationships, and I admit to being a complete love-sick sucker for their posts on fun marriage proposals.

To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Sheila Gregoire posts on marriage, family, and sexuality. From what I can tell, her target audience is Christian wives, but her appeal is broader than that. I especially love her Wifey Wednesday posts, which go to the heart of what we married gals need to hear. Also, be sure to look for her new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, coming out in February 2012.

Winning at Romance. Gina Parris has used her extensive background in sports psychology to advocate for great marital intimacy. She has wonderful tips in particular for women who struggle with low sex drive. Gina also hosted the Sexy Summit Teleseminar Series with some fabulous experts, and you can still get the series by clicking the affiliate link in the right sidebar of this blog.

I could list many more, but these marriage bloggers post regularly on relevant topics and often address sexuality in marriage – which is my focus. By the way, if you want to suggest a marriage blog for the Top 10 List, click HERE to go to Stu and Lisa’s nomination page at Stupendous Marriage.

Now I’d like to hear from you! Which marriage blogs do you love and why? How has reading marriage-focused posts helped your relationship? What do you want to gain from marriage blogs?