Wives Should Be Lovers Too

I may have been born in the wrong decade. I was driving around listening to my new favorite station, a satellite radio offering called Siriusly Sinatra. The station plays jazz and standards, like Frank Sinatra, Bobby Darin, Peggy Lee, Sammy Davis Jr., Doris Day, Dean Martin, Dinah Washington, and more. I’m in heaven.

Anyway, Frankie himself came on singing “Wives and Lovers.” I hadn’t heard this one before, so I listened to the lyrics. Let me share them with you. You can either push the play button on the video to listen or read the lyrics below.

Hey, little girl
Comb your hair
Fix your make-up
Soon he will open the door

Don’t think because
There’s a ring on your finger
You needn’t try anymore

For wives should always be lovers too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
I’m warning you

Day after day
There are girls at the office
And the men will always be men

Don’t send him off
With your hair still in curlers
You may not see him again

Wives should always be lovers too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
He’s almost here

Hey, little girl
Better wear something pretty
Something you’d wear to go to the city

Dim all the lights
Pour the wine
Start the music
Time to get ready for love
It’s time to get ready for love
Yes, it’s time to get ready for love

Early in my marriage, I would have objected strongly to this sentiment. How sexist is this! So even though I’ve had a rough day too, I’m supposed to dress up and greet him all happy-like? And you mean he can’t keep it in his pants unless I keep myself in a skirt and fawn over the dude? What a crock!

Admittedly, there are a few lines I’m not crazy about. But well into my marriage, I see a lot of wisdom here. Sure, the song was written back in 1963 (by Burt Bacharach and Hal David, by the way). However, there is some ages-old advice here that isn’t half bad. Simply put, it’s this:

Don’t stop being his lover.

Mary Tyler Moore & Dick Van Dyke

My favorite “still his lover” wife in a sitcom
(He’s spruced up too.)
Photo credit: Wikimedia

And it’s really easy to forget that when life is distracting you all over the place. When the house isn’t clean, when the kids have driven you crazy, when you have a million things to do, when all you really want to wear is that pair of yoga pants and your favorite threadbare tee . . .

Don’t stop being his lover.

Yes, of course he shouldn’t stop trying either. But if he has, don’t get your hole-ridden, granny-panties all in a wad. In fact, ditch those hole-ridden, granny panties (when did you let yourself go like that?) and take the lead on reigniting the spark. “Dim the lights, pour the wine, start the music . . . get ready for love.” Treat him the way you’d want to be treated.

Don’t stop being his lover.

My least favorite part of the song is about the girls in the office. I have a negative visceral reaction to that idea. But sadly, I see it in messages I receive. It’s not that husbands are all pigs just snorting their way around the office pool looking for some new curly tail. However, if their wives have completely checked out of the love-and-sex department, the temptation of others does get stronger. Being available and intimate with your spouse can help your husband focus on what he’s got at home. After all, “why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?” (That’s a Paul Newman quote. See? Born in wrong decade.)

Don’t stop being his lover.

Think about whether you still have that lover vibe in your marriage. Do you still pay attention to your appearance for one another? Do you still flirt? Do you still touch by holding hands, hugging, playing footsie, etc.? Do you still make time for romance? Do you still have sex regularly?

If you’ve stopped being his lover, it’s not too late for a reboot. You can start again. Greet your husband wearing something pretty, embrace him, tell him that you want to be physically intimate with him.

Be your husband’s lover.

9 thoughts on “Wives Should Be Lovers Too

  1. happywife

    What a great song! I love how it is pro-marriage and pro-fidelity.
    The only line I didn’t like was about not sending him off with curlers in your hair. Ummm, no, there is no need to get yourself up an hour before your husband goes to work just to get your hair done and make up on… as long as he know he’s not going to come home to the same thing 🙂 I send my hubby off with his lunch and a nice passionate kiss… bathrobe and all!
    Every man is going go be different. My husband isn’t so much concerned about what I look like (within reason) when he gets home as the fact that I am here and ready to spend time with him. I’d feel silly dressing up like I’m “going to the city” and he might get a little suspicious.. LOL.
    But yes, it is a great reminder that I am to never stop being his lover.
    Now, I need to go dig out my little black dress and dust it off before my husband gets home 😉

    I’m curious to hear male perspectives on this!

    1. Brian

      Well, since my opinion was solicited.

      The song has a good underlaying message, but really is couched in some long-dead cultural ideals. So you kinda have to translate it a bit to work for everyone. (Kinda like the Bourne Identity movies. The books were written back when carphones were the most high-tech stuff available.)

      It sounds like you ladies understand things pretty well. My situation is a bit different since I’m a stay at home dad. Meeting my wife after work every day finds me on the other side of the door, and she’s still in work clothes. But I’m still a visual guy so how she dresses when she’s not headed to or from work still registers with me. And if I knew she was dressing just for me at certain times(which isn’t the same thing as dressing nice to go out with me), I’d feel really wanted. As it is, my wife doesn’t wear dresses because she doesn’t like them, doesn’t ever straighten her hair anymore because she decided to grow it out and it would be too much work, doesn’t own any clothes that she would consider too immodest to wear in public, and hates underwear shopping so much that she owns two or three bras at a time and wears them till they fall apart before replacing them with another one that looks just like it. So there’s nothing going on in that area, either. She looks really nice all the time–has to for work. But dressing just for me seems a foreign concept to her.

      And none of that’s a major bummer by itself, but I’d be totally captivated by my wife dressing just to delight me.

  2. Ami Adams

    Great post! I think sometimes we as wives think that it’s okay to stop primping ourselves after marriage because well, we got the ring, right? We get comfortable with our husbands and they get comfortable with us. We let small things slide….like shaving our legs regularly, putting make up on on, or wearing our good bras. Guys do the same thing with their things, especially body stuff (right?!). It’s good to be comfortable with each other, but we also still need to put for the effort to let our husbands know we still dig them….we still desire them….we still want to please them….we still need them. It’s easy for a man to forget, just like it’s easy for us to forget that we need the same things from them. I, honestly, have let certain things go since the birth of our daughter. Certain physical things with me–that now, after three years, have been surgically corrected–prohibited us from being intimate, so I just didn’t see the point in shaving and trying to look sexy. It just wasn’t happening. But I failed to think about my husband and how he felt. Even though we couldn’t physically make love, we could still play and do other things. But I didn’t want to do that. He needed that from me and I failed to give it to him. Intimacy doesn’t mean just sex…it means connection. In whatever way you can connect, be intimate. It’s important.

    –Ami
    http://www.twoprissiesinapod.com

  3. K.

    Loved this post, J! Better to send him off with your hair all amiss from your morning lovemaking session, hot kisses and your bedroom eyes!

  4. R.

    I’m K’s husband and she’s absolutely right about that. I would never expect her to do anything special in the morning for me, appearance-wise, but do I love those hot kisses and messy hair to start my day! While I’ve always said she was beautiful to me, no matter what state she was in, I also let he know regularly that I do notice and appreciate all her efforts – doing her nails, straightening her hair, dressing attractively, asking my opinion about her choice of clothes, etc. Then of course there’s our “special box” of clothes she wears ONLY for me….mmmmmmmmmmmmm

    1. K.

      Well, let me just say that he is a wonderful husband and I’m happy to do those things for his pleasure. And yes, we have a special box I have enjoyed filling with things to wear just for him. Often I let him pick out outfits for me and it’s fun to see what he comes up with!

      Btw, our sexual reawakening is still going strong after, what is it, 9 months now? Wow! We’re working on keeping it that way permanently.

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