Q&A with J: “How Do I Get My Turn?”

Today’s question is from a young wife frustrated that not only is she not having orgasms, her husband doesn’t seem to understand her sexual needs and desires:

I’ve been married 2 and a half years now and have struggled to experience orgasm with my husband since our wedding night. . . . I realized after our honeymoon that the female orgasm was harder to come by than I thought it’d be, but I tried so hard to stay positive and to wait for it to happen. But to date, I’ve never climaxed with him. I don’t think I’ve ever even come close.

I bought us a vibrator about 6 months ago to make it easier and quicker for him to stimulate me and he’s only used it a handful of times, all at my request. I may have had small orgasms during using the vibrator, but I’m not totally sure. And I made it a point to tell him a couple of times that I really enjoy using the vibrator because it wakes things up down there and allows me to get the full sensation of everything he does after that. That’s why I feel like we should use it more than we do.

I’ve talked with him about my difficulty responding physically 4 or 5 times – I’ve tried to be very sensitive – “It’s not you, I just need a lot of extra stimulation.” “I really enjoy being intimate with you, but I really need help learning to be physically responsive.” Things change for a couple of encounters and then go back to the way things were.

How do I get him to be interested in going the extra mile for me? He’s a great guy, but I’m just so unsatisfied in the bedroom and I really long to be able to share what he’s having (it really looks like it feels great) and I want to be able to make him feel like a stellar lover. Why do men feel like their orgasm is the closer for sex?? I feel like he doesn’t even think that I have sexual needs. I go to bed all worked up sexually while he’s snoring next to me most nights we make love. I hate to sound selfish, but how do I get my turn?

Q&A with J: "How Do I Get My Turn?"

Let’s start with making sure things are working the way they should with your body. Since this wife did have an orgasm on the wedding night, we know it can happen, but some physical issues could still be obstacles. Just so you know what’s “normal,” your sexual response should include heightened sensitivity of your genitals, lubrication (although you may need to add some), and swelling of your inner vaginal lips to 2-3 times their usual size.

But if you’re low on estrogen, you may not lubricate properly. If you’re on oral contraception, it could interfere with your sexual response. And there are other potential issues that could be hindering your body’s full participation. Talk openly with your doctor about your concerns and ask for a full physical exam and, if needed, options for birth control.

Assuming everything’s on the up-and-up with your body’s responses, you two still have to learn how your body works. Unfortunately, watching Hollywood scenes, reading magazine articles, and even hearing all the sex hype from happy married couples can make it seem like revving up the sexy is a fairly straightforward endeavor with guaranteed pleasure. Not so.

You may have experienced orgasm early on in your marriage because everything was awakened then and your body overloaded, so to speak. (Though some couples report more of a pfffft experience their first time.) But one orgasm does not a sex life make. And you want to want have that excitement again and again.

That means you have to figure this thing out . . . together. Perhaps your husband didn’t expect to have to work so hard at getting his wife to climax. He may feel that if you’re not responding quickly, like the gals do on the movie screen or in porn (just about every guy by the time he’s married has either watched it willingly or been shown porn by others), it’s not worth the effort. He may conclude he’s a poor lover, and who wants to do something over and over that you’re bad at doing? Or that the problem lies with you, and what can he do about that?

The point is you two need to go back to ground zero and figure this thing out together. And sensitivity is great, and I’m all for that! But I think most men respond even better to fun. That is, sometimes we are so concerned with our hubby’s feelings and so we talk it out and try to make him feel better and…la la la. When maybe your guy is more of an action speaks louder than words sort. Go with me for a minute here and think about team sports: Guys get in a locker room together, get a short, rousing pep talk, then take the field — which tells you something about what gets a guy motivated.

Think about what you can do to pep up your guy and make him excited about exploring your territory. That could be everything from leading up to sex with suggestive texts, flirting, fondling, etc. to drawing a treasure map on your body that he has to follow to get to the booty (literally and figuratively). Consider what your particular husband would respond to, and see how you can paint this exploration time as something exciting and fulfilling for both of you.

A couple more notes (specifically for the hubbies reading this post): First, he needs to ease slowly into lovemaking. Even after 20+ years, sometimes I still have to remind my husband that hugging, kissing, and touching me are surefire ways to shift my brain and body into gear. You can help him get the point by simple things like asking for him to massage your body with lotion or oil or suggest a slow dance (naked?) before you make love. And secondly, for orgasm to happen, he’s got to learn what a clitoris is and what to do with it. All orgasms are caused by either direct or indirect contact with her clitoris. Hubbies would do well to treat their wife’s ever-so-sensitive part like their favorite instrument and master playing it well. Guys, stop playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band and instead learn to strum your wife’s goodies to her heart’s delight.

One of the ways many married couples stimulate the clitoris is with sex toys. You mention using a vibrator a handful of times, but your husband is resistant to the idea. I think you should ask whether the sex toys are helping.

On the whole, I have a mixed view of sex toys. On one hand, I believe they can help couples that need an extra boost or deal with sexual arousal and erection issues, so they can engage more fully in sexual intimacy in their marriage. On the other hand, I think our culture is becoming more reliant on batteries and kink than relationship and intimacy. Some people using sex toys are looking for shortcuts — and they found them. I’m pretty confident a vibrator can get most women to climax faster than their husband’s hand. To me, the question when deciding whether to use a sex toy must be whether it increases intimacy or detracts from it.

When one of you is not on board, it could be detracting from intimacy. I know that’s not entirely fair, because if he’s going to balk about using a vibrator, he should step up and figure out how to help you climax himself. But have an honest discussion with him about it, asking what he’d be willing to try and what makes him uncomfortable. Respect his feelings on this, and then ask for solutions you could both accept. Maybe he could commit to trying longer to get you aroused, or maybe you could peruse some online Christian intimacy retailers together and find something you’re both willing to try.

And finally, you are not selfish for wanting to experience the height of ecstasy with your husband in your marriage bed. And he needs to understand that too. Hubby may have grown up with the oh-so-mistaken notion that sex is primarily to meet the man’s needs. To which I say, Hogwash! And a very large number of wives agree with me.

God gave you more nerve endings in your genitals than he gets in his. Your clitoris has a singular purpose — to give you pleasure. Your body is capable of multiple orgasms, while he’s got the one full-blast option (until he passes a refractory period). So nobody tell me God isn’t interested in her having a fabulous time in the marriage bed!

If you’re like many wives, you may have tentatively suggested this or that, asked for something more, and hinted at your dissatisfaction. I suggest you look your husband in the eye and say something like, “I love you so much, and I want to have a fantastic orgasm in your arms. I will do everything I can on my part to make it happen, but I need you to get on board. What can we do to make this a mutual goal for our marriage?”

Some other posts that might help your situation are Preparing Yourself for Sex, Manual Play for Her, and Orgasm: If Only I Could O. Also, my book Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Wives has a lot more tips on revving up your drive and savvy in the marital bedroom. That could be a good resource for your marriage.

know I didn’t cover everything I could say, and I’m sure my readers will have more to add. But maybe something in here will help you get moving in the right direction. In the meantime, I’m saying a prayer for your and your marriage. Because yeah, you deserve a turn.

35 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “How Do I Get My Turn?”

  1. libl

    My hubby won’t bring me to orgasm. He did at first, but then stopped and refused saying things like I take too much work, it hurts his hand/tongue, God made women wrong, I need to figure it out myself. He drew a firm line in the sand and was unmoveable. It hurt(s) like the devil, but I can only change myself. That change was taking matters into my own hands, literally. Woman on top position while I self stimulate.

    Maybe I taught myself over the years or maybe God blessed me because of my husband’s stubbornness, but I can also have a different sort of orgasm vaginally now without clitoral stimulation.

    So, for the wife, there are things she can do in the wake of a selfish or clueless husband. Otherwise, if he isn’t as golly gee stubborn as my man, get third party help to knock him with a clue by four.

    Reply
      1. Sean

        I wish I could have a chat with him as well. IT just sometimes takes a while for a woman. But never giving up is the key.

        Reply
      2. a. nony

        I have some male friends who I’m sure would LOVE to have a chat with him as well. Maybe with him backed into a corner while my brothers explain a few things to him about how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Or how love is not self-seeking. Or how God won’t hear the prayers of a man who doesn’t treat his wife with kindness. You know. Stuff like that.

        Reply
  2. Ham

    I’m wondering what your husband’s attitude is towards oral sex (by which I mean cunnilingus, as I suspect I already know what his attitude is concerning fellatio). Perhaps you could “suggest” that one night a week is oral sex night, and you will be only too glad to satisfy him in that manner AFTER he has taken care of you. This could be a good opportunity for you to educate him on what you need in order to reach satisfaction. If he agrees to do this, do not be a passive participant but rather actively use your hands to guide him as to how to please you by moving his head to your liking. You could pull this off by offering to have him direct you in a similar way, which I’ll wager he’ll be only too happy to oblige. Both of you could make good use of this to learn about each other.

    It sounds like he is inexperienced about pleasuring a woman, a situation which is not a criminal offense. As a Christian man attempting to obey the Word of God, hopefully having remained chaste, how could a newly married man be anything but? And I would include being married for two years as still a newlywed. My wife and I have been married for over twenty years now, and we are still learning how to “know” each other. It is unreasonable for Christian people to be inexperienced about sex and then enter into a marriage and expect the fireworks to go off without an extensive period of learning. We don’t get on a bicycle for the first time and expect to be expert riders, do we? And wall socket sex is considerably more complicated than riding a bike! Part of the blame here resides with the Church, which does little or nothing to prepare newly married people for the responsibilities of sexual bliss. Ideally, the older members ought to teach the younger ones, but the Church has had such a negative view of God-given human sexuality that such a thing has been impossible. It is a shame when the World has to drag the Church into recognizing reality. Is your church responsible enough that you could perhaps talk to your pastor’s wife about this and maybe get her to have the pastor have a casual conversation with your husband about what a wife’s sexual needs are? Admittedly, you both are still at the beginning of a life long journey of discovery together, but by the same token, you have a right to expect your husband to care for your needs.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’m pleased that Christians and Churches are doing better with this, but I agree we still have a long way to go. Thanks for the ideas.

      Reply
  3. Anonymous

    As a man, I urge ladies to tread VERY, VERY lightly when suggesting a toy.

    While it is (at least I would hope) not your intention to make him think this, when you suggest bringing something like a toy into the mix, his first instinct will not most likely be to think “Oh, cool, a new way to spice things up!”, instead the first thought in our minds is usually along the lines of “Am I doing something wrong?”, “What is it about my performance that isn’t pleasing her all the way?”, “I thought I was doing alright, but I guess not”, or any number of other thoughts to question ourselves and why we aren’t good enough.

    While most men will never admit this, we are actually fairly emotional beings, and while your husband may not tell you these are his thoughts when you bring this up to him, understand that these are very likely the things running through his mind.

    This conversation can literally destroy the way us men view ourselves in bed, so TREAD LIGHTLY, be respectful, and be willing to talk about what the struggle is you are having and how it can be solved (before you suggest something like a toy).

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Honestly, I might feel the same way if my husband suggested something that turned him on better than I could. I thought about mentioning that in my post, but I’m not sure how typical I am in that department.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        I think its very typical to feel that way. Nobody likes to be “replaced”, so to feel awful about being “replaced” by your spouse, the very person who chose you over everyone else, would be the way anybody would feel.

        I think that would be a pretty normal feeling to have 🙂

        Reply
  4. Sean

    Well, first of all, a man physically tends to have a refractory period after an orgasm. Which is why a good lover will always make sure the woman has an orgasm first. Preferably several. If your H will learn how to satisfy you first, he will find that his own orgasm is much more intense.

    Have you ever considered a role play? I’m just brainstorming, but I am thinking you could be the teacher & he could be the naughty schoolboy who has to learn. Hold a ruler & when he gets too close to the “naughty bits” give him a gentle whack. Tell him he has to be a good student or he is not going to get a special treat. He has to make sure his teacher is completely happy before he can have “recess.”

    Well, this post will probably not make it past Mrs. Parker! Sorry.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Ha ha! Yes, Mrs. Parker considered not letting this through. But I will…with my comment that I think role play in this situation is a bad idea. I understand the desire to spice things up and teach him what works, but this couple needs more transparency and authenticity, not less. I don’t think this is a time to introduce different personas into the bedroom, but rather time to get real with each other and deal with what’s going on.

      Thanks, Sean!

      Reply
      1. libl

        I agree. In my opinion, role playing, light bondage, Dom/sub stuff, toys, and kink should not be introduced until the fundamentals of Biblical married sexuality are in place and strong as iron or else it can ruin what little intimacy is there.

        My only exception is the use of toys as tools when there is a legit issue where it is needed, such as a penis ring for say someone with mild ED who needs a little help, for example.

        Both spouses should be fully satisfied first.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Yeah, I’m not for Dom/sub stuff pretty much ever, but I agree with you that it’s way too early to be adding “adventure” to the marriage bed. And your example of when to use a sex toy is a good one. Thanks!

          Reply
  5. Lynn

    I love my husband with all my heart and I keep him very happy, very, very happy, but honestly, though he means well, in the bedroom and in other areas of life he isn’t very considerate. A couple of months after we married I tried to get him to be more sensually pleasing to me by asking him to put lotion on my back. He took a handful of lotion and slapped me on the back a couple of times as though he were congratulating a fellow linebacker on a good tackle. So I learned to laugh about it and live with it. I probably wouldn’t be as easy-going if I were still a young woman.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    First… Not that it really matters, but the way I read the original email, it sounds like the writer was just saying she has been having sex with her husband since their wedding night, but has never come close to an orgasm.

    Anywho. I feel like I could have written 95% of that original message. So, I’m not really here with any insight. Just to commiserate 🙂 Hubs and I have been married for 5 years, and still no orgasm. I feel like I’ve already given up hope that I’ll ever have one. I very much enjoy sex, but I wish my husband would donors to show that he cared about my needs. Namely, I wish he would initiate more (ever), and I wish he understood the concept of foreplay and being vocal during sex.

    We are extremely communicative, and have talked about all of this on multiple occasions. I’ve straight out given him a step-by-step guide of how to wow me with foreplay, which he was genuinely appreciative for… Yet he has never attempted to follow it. I don’t know what more I can do. And honestly I feel like I don’t even WANT to do anything more… Like he should be the one doing more, since the ball is, and has been, in his court. Completely the wrong attitude, I realize.

    All of this makes me sound extremely bitter. Just to clarify, I’m not. Just confused as to where to go next! Currently my sex drive is quite low with my third pregnancy, so sex really hasn’t been a point if tension on my end at all. I would probably be fighting off bitterness if it weren’t for the hormones.

    Reply
    1. libl

      Have you ever given yourself an orgasm? Once you learn how you can incorporate that into your love making. Also, one of the big fights hubby and I had was that he felt I was making him responsible entirely for my pleasure. He felt responsible for 100% foreplay, 100% bringing me to climax, 100% getting me in the mood, which is why he just shut down and stopped sex all together. I am not excusing that at all, but he was right in a way and I knew it. I did put too much in his lap sexually.

      In his hardness and anger I had to learn to do for myself during sex if I wanted anything out of it. Like being thrown in the middle of the ocean to learn to swim, it worked, but it could have been handled more lovingly.

      So, buck up your self confidence, explore your own sexual side, learn to get your own juices flowing (think about sex, hubby, flirt with hubby, etc), teach yourself to orgasm (yes, masturbate, but not as a sinful escape from your hubby, but as a blessed learning experience with/for you and your hubby.

      As an update, since I wrote my first comment, he’s been more active in foreplay, and even gave me manual!

      Reply
  7. DD

    My heart just broke at this post, and some of the subsequent comments. I too read that she’s not had orgasms at all since being married. This is an all-to-common problem, and I believe it is the reason that many partners become roommates and marriages fall apart. Without the joy of mutual pleasure in intimacy, a marriage is empty. I dealt with this for 20 years, and it took everything I had to stick with my vows before God to stay in the marriage. But the lack of intimate pleasure with my husband made me become bitter and angry, it poisoned our relationship, and it is nothing short of a miracle that we have fixed our marriage in the bedroom… I would not recommend letting things go two decades, nor another year before confronting this issue with your husbands. If they are being selfish, then I don’t know the remedy for that (this would be a heart matter for a Christian man). However if they are just clueless, insecure or shy, it’s time to actively work on things. The Gift of Sex is a wonderful book by a christian couple, which is a great first start. I recommend you both read it as an “assignment” and discuss it. You could bring it to him in your loving way–“We both wanted to remain pure for each other and have very little knowledge or experience with sex (and sometimes we can’t shake the subtle message that sex is dirty). Let’s learn together how to enjoy this gift that God gave to us and intended for our good, to bind us and cleave. Let’s learn how to make it ours.”

    The second part of all of this is right relationship with your husband as the leader in your marriage, something I’ve been learning a lot about. While the “alternative styles” of Dominant/submissive lifestyles may seem “unchristian” to some, and have gotten a bad name, through this I have truthfully found my BIBLICAL wifely surrender and submission to be the key factor in healing our marriage.

    Lastly, the vibrator. If you are a young, healthy, and sexually interested woman, a vibrator shouldn’t be a mainstay IMHO. However some women for various reasons (age especially) struggle to find orgasms and vibrators are just a means by which we can experience pleasure with our husbands when other means are not working (and not indicating a substitution but rather that euphemism of “marital aid”). I would suspect that perhaps you have used a vibrator by yourself (and didn’t mention that–but it would be understandable) and perhaps have gotten used to it. You and your husband need to find ways together to bring pleasure to each other. Sometimes it does start with knowing how you experience pleasure to be able to show your husband. Women are complicated and every many knows this. We need to reassure them of this, and that because we are all so unique in the ways we come to feel sexual pleasure, our men need us to take them by the hand and show them what works for us. And sometimes that might involve a marital aid wielded by the one who loves us and wants to give us pleasure. … Blessings!

    [This comment was slightly edited.]

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I agree with your conclusion about the vibrator and other “marital aids” — they shouldn’t become substitutions, but I know there are times when they can help.

      I’m sure you already know that I fully disagree with your position on Dominance/submission. I don’t believe this is representative at all of the biblical submission commanded for marriage. Moreover, I think a partnership in this wife’s situation is far more likely to yield positive results. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” – Ephesians 5:21

      Thanks for your comment!

      Reply
  8. Amber Zade

    Hi,

    I can barely remember my marriage bed. Also, while I consider myself Christian, I have a very liberal view of what that means. However, because I have strong feelings on the subject, I wanted to respond and give my point of view.

    I can’t disagree with anything J has said.

    I think the fact is there are people who orgasm easily and those who don’t. I happen to be one of the former. I was horrified when I learned there were women who never had orgasms or had difficult experiencing orgasms.

    From the point of view of a marriage bed, I suppose it’s about learning about one another. It sounds like it can be a great adventure and actually prolong the sense of sexual adventure between two people if the man and the woman are willing to look at exploring a woman’s body and seeing what type of response can be elicited by seeing what different types of activities cause their spouse to response.

    However, I also think it’s very important that women learn how to their own bodies work. For obvious reasons, mean are compelled to do this. But women, not so much. Or, not at all.

    I believe if women learn how to reach orgasm on their own, it will become easier for them to reach orgasm with a partner. I call this ‘owning your own orgasm’.

    Whether that fits in the context of traditional Christianity, I can’t say.

    Amber

    Reply
  9. Anonymous

    Hi, from the way I read the wording of this, my impression is that this girl is trying to say she has never had an orgasm? It sounds to me like she’s just trying to give a time frame and basically say this has been an ongoing issue ever since they got married ie she’s never experienced orgasm. That’s the way I read it anyhow. I was so sure this is what she meant that when I got down to J’s first comment that she HAD in fact had an orgasm on her wedding night, I went back and reread the post but still got the same very strong impression she hadn’t. She also states she hasn’t come close. Perhaps you might need to clarify with her for your post. But if I think about it, most women who have never been sexually active don’t orgasm on their wedding night and it stands to reason that if she hasn’t since, and her husband isn’t sensitive to it, she wouldn’t have on her wedding night either.

    Just my thoughts anyway.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Hmmm, I thought I’d included enough. But essentially, when I pose a reader’s question, it usually isn’t the whole thing. Perhaps that tidbit was in the original email. But she did mention her wedding night, but not since. Thanks!

      Reply
  10. Lovie

    I have been married 25 years. My husband is a great spouse and Godly man but for the first 20, I did not have an orgasm. Despite my suggestions and gentle teaching – my husband thought he knew it all and knew nothing. Note we each have only had sex with each other.
    Out of desperation while on a road trip I told him either he could learn or get replaced – I had enough. It had got to the point where I refused to respond during sex because I felt used.
    So after our very frank talk – he got the message and said I am willing to learn whatever it takes.
    So I bought a set of videos made my women to teach a man about a woman’s body and how to have great sex. I watched it first to make sure it was on point and it was. It was not porn so please save comments on that and as desperate as I was it wouldn’t have mattered if it helped.
    I can now say that despite health issues and ED – we have more sex and the best sex of our lives. It has completely changed our communication and level of closeness.
    This scenario may not work for anyone else but I did what I had to do and would do it again.

    Reply
  11. John

    I feel bad for the women who sent this, as a man who is in a similar boat with not ever having an orgasm (I’m not referring to releasing sperm, I’m referring the euphoric feeling that many men describe), I can imagine how hard this must be for her. Luckily for her though, God gave her the gift of an organ specifically to give her pleasure and help bring on that feeling (wish God had done the same for us men…).

    Honest question, I don’t know how to go about bringing this up with my wife, how do I tell her I don’t get that great feeling she does? I don’t want to make her think that she is an awful lover, but I feel like I’m really missing out. I hear these stories of men and women having these terrific experiences, and in the meantime I’m not. Any reply is appreciated.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’m not really sure what you’re missing out on. Most men report a wonderful feeling of release at ejaculation. I’m guessing that’s not your experience?

      Reply
      1. John

        The actual release feels okay (nothing amazing though), but its over so quick, I don’t get more than a few seconds of enjoyment. I never get the shivers that people describe with their orgasms, I don’t get “afterglow”, etc.

        There’s literally just the short period for build-up, then it just happens and its over. Its not an insanely enjoyable experience like most describe it. Its hard because I see my wife enjoying the experience so much, but I’m not enjoying it much at all.

        Reply
          1. John

            Thanks for linking the article. I will try some of this with my wife and see how it goes. Assuming this does work though and I can last longer, do you have any links about how to increase sensitivity? My problem isn’t that I cum too quickly, my problem is that I don’t ever seem to get a good feeling from it. I’ve been trying to practice control to make it last longer (hoping to increase sensitivity), but am having no luck.

            I really do appreciate the link though.

      2. K

        Actually a man can ejaculate without having an “orgasm” as most of us describe them, as there is no intense sense of feeling of pleasure, just the release of semen. I would say it is more common in younger men who are trying to control their orgasm, and in so doing they can lose the sensation. depending on how bad the “miss” is – most men who experience this are capable of continuing the sex act – since there may be no refractory period or just a slight one, before they can become fully erect again. But many men never lose a full erection. Likewise it is also possible to ejaculate little if nothing but still experience an orgasm….the body will produce the ejaculate needed for sex so in men who are newly married and having quite a lot in a short time this is not unusual, until the body learns to make more.

        One suggestion John, if you are holding back and trying to let her go first, that takes time and concentration for a couple of years, so talk it out and you occasionally may have to just let it go and finish her another way or you won’t get the intense orgasm feeling you want. On the flip side oral sex will almost certainly give you a more intense orgasm, so find what works for you both and try to enjoy the moment more, she will understand.

        Reply
  12. Lady from the email

    Hi J, thank you for answering my email. It means so much to me. to clarify, there was no orgasm on the wedding night. It was exactly how you’d expect the first time to be – sweet but not very skillful. Which I totally expected and was okay with. We tried focusing only on me the third day of the honeymoon but after a while I could tell he was frustrated and bored so I told him don’t worry, another time.

    As for the vibrator, I typically share your viewpoint on those, but I got it for a couple reasons. 1) hubby’s schedule was very hard on him at the time and it was causing our encounters to be shorter and shorter. I thought it would make things good for me while not overtaxing him. And 2) I was starting to wonder if he wasn’t really crazy about getting his hands dirty, no pun intended. I know he doesn’t really enjoy giving oral so I thought maybe there’s a possibility that he’s not really comfortable getting too involved down there for an extended period of time. I figured if that was the case, maybe we could use something that would shorten the time I need and be easier for him to figure things out. Vibrators are way easier to figure out than stimulating with fingers. Its nothing overly kinky. It’s just a egg shaped vibe and doesn’t replace penetration, and I had planned to toss it once we had figured out how to get me across the finish line. I figured it was healthier for the relationship than crying myself to sleep after making love because I felt inadequate. Because that’s what it had come to after a year and a half of trying my best to no avail.

    We’ve had honest conversations about me not being able to finish, we’ve read a couple Christian books on it, many times I’ve come to bed having invested lots of time and thought into setting the mood. Nothing changes, and I’m so tired at this point. I don’t know what else to do. He loves me and I love him. I know he means well, but this area has brought so much sadness for me. Maybe once I feel more at home in our new church I can talk to an older lady about it, but for now I think I just need to forget about it and stop pursuing mine. Reading about it and trying harder hurts at this point when things don’t improve.

    Thanks J. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to answer my email.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Okay, honestly…what I want is to chat with your husband. “Man up, dude, and make your fingers work the magic!” Okay, I wouldn’t be that crude, but I would encourage him to be patient about this process and recognize there is nothing wrong with him if it’s difficult to get there — that’s just how it is sometimes. But based on my own experience and talking to others, once you do put forth the effort and figure this out, the next orgasms tend to come more easily.

      It’s always hard to answer a reader’s question without all the information and not going back and asking follow-up questions. I hope something here still helped, and I am praying for your situation. Especially that your husband’s work schedule calms down, because stress truly can make a guy less willing to engage in sexual intimacy, especially long foreplay.

      Many blessings! It’s definitely a challenge when you don’t know when/how things will get better. In fact, I’ll be writing about that very soon…

      Reply
  13. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Week | Married Christian Sex

  14. Reiko

    Seriously, if you already have a vibrator, just use it by yourself until you figure out what works. That’s the only thing that worked for me after more than eight years of marriage and five years of actively trying to figure out if there was something wrong with me. If it’s difficult to start with, it’s just going to be more difficult with him, because there’s such a mental component of concentration. If the necessary threshold of stimulation is high enough, his fingers may never be enough. I wouldn’t expect him to be able to do it unless you can do it with your own fingers first.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I have some concerns about turning to a vibrator too soon, but it sounds like you diligently tried many other avenues previously. I’m not sure, however, how the “mental component of concentration” changes with him vs vibrator. Thanks for your comment!

      Reply

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