Are You His Type?

I’m too short for my husband. Our nine-inch different in height means I must stand on tiptoes and he must lean down for us to kiss one another’s lips. When we dance, our bodies don’t quite line up, which I try to compensate for with higher-heels (or higher-heeled cowboy boots). When I ask him to reach stuff on the top shelf, he sometimes looks at me like, “How short are you?” Answer? Not tall. And quite possibly shorter than any of the girls he dated before me.

It would be more convenient if I were a few inches taller. And I think he’d like not bending his neck down so far. But, despite repeated prayers to God when I was a teenager, I stopped growing at some point and that was that.

Am I his type? Not when it comes to height.

Are You His Type?

I’ve heard from wives who believe that their husbands dating women previously with different appearances or noticing other women now who differ greatly from how they look…means hubby doesn’t really like their body or beauty type.

From talking to men, reading their comments and emails, and studying research and information about their “species,” I have some thoughts on that.

He wouldn’t have asked you out, dated you all that time, and married you if he wasn’t attracted to you. By and large, this is truth. A guy might have a brief encounter with a woman he doesn’t find all that physically appealing, but he wouldn’t invest all that time and effort with his eventual wife if he didn’t think she was worth eyeballing, touching, and becoming intimate with. As visual as many men are (and yes, I know not all, and women can be visual too), they are motivated to find a woman who is visually pleasing.

Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. What appeals to one person won’t necessarily appeal to another. If your body type is not the typical definition of gorgeous in our (twisted) society, that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. You, my dear, have your own physical, and even sexual, appeal. What matters most is you believing the truth that God created you as a beautiful woman and that you are beautiful in your husband’s eye.

Your attractiveness is strongly affected by your inner beauty. When men are surveyed on which character is more appealing from the TV series Gilligan’s Island, the sexy bombshell Ginger typically loses to the sweet, bubbly, and personable Mary Ann. Sure, the actress who played Mary Ann was pretty, but if you’d switched those actresses’ roles, I think the Mary Ann character would still win out. Because who she is makes her more attractive. Likewise, I remember a conversation with several girls in college about a guy who wasn’t objectively good-looking, but he was so nice, funny, and engaging that every one of us agreed he was highly attractive. Who you are impacts how you appear to those around you, especially your husband. If you’re a happy wife who fights the frump and makes him feel loved, odds are you’re hot in his heart.

Confidence is appealing. Let me be frank, ladies: Wives who constantly complain about their appearance, demand heaps of reassurance, and argue with their husband’s opinion can wear a guy out. Wives who own their beauty, present themselves with confidence, and yes, ask for reassurance when they need it are more appealing. Of course, you won’t immediately flip a switch and have a shot of confidence wash over you. You must intentionally work toward dealing with your self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-flagellation to become more comfortable with your body and your beauty.

Back to my height-challenged existence…

I used to think that my husband got cheated by not getting the tall woman he, I assumed, wanted. I wished God would grant me a belated wish, a medical miracle, and make me grow a few more inches.

But honestly, I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t see it that way. And I no longer view myself negatively either. For him, it’s just a little bending to kiss the woman he loves, a slight adjustment for us to dance in tandem, and appreciation of a physical characteristic that defines me. Even as my body changes – spreading a bit in the middle – he’s in love with the woman he sees, knows, touches, chose.

And why wouldn’t he feel that way? I feel that about him. My husband is not objectively as physically attractive as he was twenty years ago, but to me, he’s absolutely the best looking guy in every room I enter. He’s my type and I’m his type, because our love for each other means: “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7).

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27 thoughts on “Are You His Type?

  1. libl

    I am not my husband’s type, wrong hair color and bust size. And he reminds me every so often that he didn’t get what he originally sought after (but he is pleased with who he chose). I used to agonize at God that why couldn’t I be, why couldn’t I give my husband exactly what he wanted. Instead, he had to “compromise” with me.

    I think the worst is when he finds out a gal of his type is single, he says, “where was she when I was looking?!” Ouch!

    He proudly tells everyone what a hot wife he has, but he has told me if I woke up with those attributes he admires most he would be over the moon…..but, how you look is hot, too.

    Reply
  2. e2

    Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes.

    As to your height difference, I once dated a much shorter girl before meeting my wife. Any time she wanted a kiss, she would run over to a staircase and stand on the first step. Or jump on my lap. Either way, we then fit.

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  3. Hannah

    Thanks, J, for always posting such positive comments! My husband and I look very different, and many people who don’t know us may think that we don’t “match” if they were to judge by outer appearances. But I have been reminded many times that God put us together, and “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7. I marvel at His Plan and how he brought us together. My husband is not visually what I had imagined my ideal man to look like, nor am I physically what he would have chosen for his ideal wife. But I don’t doubt for one second how much he loves me, nor do I doubt that he finds much my body. God prepared us both for each other by stripping away the importance of those external preferences through circumstances in life before we got together. Now, I believe him when he says I am attractive to him! God matched us based on our hearts and in that respect, I could not have had a better match. I would much rather be married to a man I am at home being around, and who loves me to distraction, as compared to someone who picked me based on looks. We are learning to love each other sexually (we have only been married two years) and enjoy the wonderful gift of sex in our marriage. Thanks for all the encouraging, and interesting posts!!

    Reply
  4. Lynn

    J, once again, so well stated. ‘Don’t wear your husband out’ – it was only after I started working as a social worker, and realized how exhausting ‘needy’ people can be, that I looked at myself and saw that I can be just the same.

    To e2 – I am a foot shorter than my husband and I used to keep a stepstool by the front door to kiss him goodnight, when we were engaged. Then I discovered the staircase method. We still do that.

    Reply
  5. B

    Well, you had to know I would comment on this one! 🙂

    No, I am not my husbands type. He does his best to love me, but I will forever be sad that I am not attractive to him. He tries to say he’s attracted to me, but he’s just being a nice guy. I know what his type is, and I’m not it.

    Let’s start with my favorite topic, my gargantuan height. Notice that J is much shorter than her husband, e2’s girlfriend was much shorter, Lynn is much shorter than her husband. See a pattern? Men prefer petite women. It just is what it is. At 5’9″, I could never be considered tiny or beautiful unless I lived in a world of people who were 6’5″ or taller. And your Ginger/MaryAnn example just confirms my theory. I looked up their heights. MaryAnn’s actress is the perfect, ideal, beautiful 5’4″. Ginger’s actress is 5’8 & 1/2″ tall. Ginger is a half inch shorter than me, and she almost ALWAYS loses out to the tiny, petite, brunette, perfect MaryAnn.

    J, if you could transfuse height like a blood transfusion, I’d gladly give you several inches!

    My husband is an even 6′ tall, and although he is a very strong, sexy construction foreman, I do not sit on his lap or allow him to pick me up, out of fear that he will get hurt. Plus I’ve read on a bunch of websites that men prefer tiny women because they are easier to hold and to pick up. On the rare occasions that he tries to pick me up or tells me to sit on his lap, and I refuse, he gets a little annoyed. I think he thinks I’m questioning his strength. I’m not, but I know I’m not petite and I think he’d be much more annoyed if I hurt him.

    And do you know how many women have said to me “oh my you are so tall!” “I feel so small standing next to you!” Great. Glad I could help. So happy my flaws can make you feel as beautiful and perfect as we both know you already are. Thanks. Would they like it if I said to them “oh my you are so short!” Somehow I kind of doubt that.

    As for the brunette thing, yes, he much prefers brunettes, as do most men according to the articles I’ve read. I even went as far as to buy and try a brunette wig. My husband doesn’t like it, I think its because he feels I’m not good enough or attractive enough to be a brunette. I tried convincing my hairdresser to make me brunette, but she doesn’t think it will look right with my skin tone and my blue eyes. Honestly, I don’t get it. I’m not his type, he doesn’t want me to be his type, my hairdresser doesn’t think I’m pretty enough to go brunette – it’s just a losing situation all around. The only thing I’ve got going for me is most people think I’m about 30 when I’m really 40. That’s just good genes, I guess. Maybe that’s what my husband likes – looking like he has a young wife. I don’t know.

    On a positive note, I did click on some of the links in this post, about happiness and confidence. Things I need to work on. It’s funny, I used to be a very, very happy person. That might be how my husband was able to overlook the “not being his type” problem, because I used to be a lot more fun. It wasn’t until I started reading about marriage, realizing mine was backwards in the sexual arena (me being higher drive – due to my lack of attractiveness – see how it’s all connected?), and paying closer attention to what my husband was attracted to and realizing it wasn’t me, that my happiness began to plummet. Going through all of that I learned that I need to find my happiness in Christ, not in another human being. That has helped me to slowly rebuild my happiness. That and accepting I am who God made me, and if that’s a too tall, too blonde, too big on top, too small on the bottom, abnormal looking woman, then it is what it is and I need to accept that. God doesn’t make mistakes, so I have to accept He made me this way because He meant to. Who am I to question Him? That’s something that I really struggle with, because I have these negative feelings, and then I feel like I’m being a bad Christian on top of it all. Ugh.

    The one thing I disagree with is the whole confidence is sexy thing. First of all, I was always taught that confidence is conceited, egotistical, and ugly. I got straight A’s, leading roles in musicals, and varsity letters in softball, cheerleading, and I dove. But I was not allowed to be proud of any of it. For several reasons. One, I was never the “best” at anything, so why pretend I was good at anything – and being happy about any achievement, I was taught was ugly, conceited and wrong. Looking back its kind of sad that I tried so hard and did so well, but I was never allowed to enjoy any of it for fear of being conceited and ugly.

    And the confidence is sexy thing? It’s backwards. People think confidence is sexy, but the truth is, sexy people are confident. So you think it’s the confidence that makes them sexy, but it’s the sexiness that makes them confident. This is proven by the fact that when I was confident (especially in the bedroom) my husband was often not in the mood. That’s due to my lack of sexiness. Not my lack of confidence. The confidence is gone now, but that’s because I realized I was being a fool.

    Whew! Sorry for the marathon comment, but you had to see that one coming with the title of this post! 🙂

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I cannot get over you looking up Tina Louise’s and Dawn Wells’s heights. Seriously? That’s what you got from the post? No, no, no, girlfriend! Guys do not prefer petite women and want to pick them up. My husband never wants to be pick me up. What on earth would that have to do with his love for me?

      So have you heard of confirmation bias? It’s “the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.” When you find information that supports what you now think is true (hubbies want small women, sexy women are confident, men should be the initiators), you cite it as proof of your beliefs. However, if I — or others — say something that contradicts what you now think is true (hubbies choose the women they want, confident women are sexy, either spouse should initiate), you shoot it down immediately and give it no credence. Ask yourself WHAT IF? WHAT IF J at Hot, Holy & Humorous isn’t completely wrong? WHAT IF my husband really does believe what he’s saying? WHAT IF the husbands who have commented here are representing a better truth? WHAT IF I could stop worrying so much about my appearance and enjoy my marriage?

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    2. e2

      My short girlfriend was only one of the many girls I dated before meeting my wife. I did not “prefer” her shortness. She was just short. The other girls I dated ranged from 5’7″ to 5’9″ and my fondness for each of them in their own time was the same.

      My “type” has nothing to do with appearance, hair color, or bust size.

      No woman ever captured my heart by what she looked like, how she applied her makeup or what she wore.

      If she won my heart, it was because she was easy to talk to, and understood and respected me.

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    3. e2

      B,

      I noticed something else in your post. You say that, at times, your husband wants to pick you up or have you sit on his lap. To me, those are expressions of sexual playfulness and desire. I wonder if your refusal at those times makes him feel sexually rejected, the same feeling you often feel when he seems disinterested in you. Since your husband has the lower drive, you might take advantage of these moments when he expresses such playfulness. A man’s lap can take a lot more than you might think, and you might actually find that his desire isn’t quite as low as you might think.

      Reply
      1. B

        e2, I might agree with you if I were petite. But I’m not. I can see where a man would find it playful to have a cute, small woman to sit on his lap. But how ridiculous would it be for him to have someone built like an NFL linebacker sit on his lap? At 5’9″ – and at this point I’m getting closer to 155 – I am built much more like an NFL player than an adorable woman. It is what it is. It stinks, sure, but I’m learning to make peace with it. Or at least accept it, I guess there’s a difference.

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        1. J Post author

          On what planet is 5’9″, 155 pounds a linebacker? That’s our junior high football line. See yourself as you really are! Beautiful.

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          1. Viv Sluys

            When I was almost so skinny as to be unhealthy I was 155lbs and I am 5’9.5″… My husband is the same height as me and weighs a bit less than me (I’ve got more than a little baby weight to shed). He loves it when I sit on his lap and, though he doesn’t pick me up and twirl me around like you see in the movies, he can pick me up and I don’t see any of my short, slim friends with tall, strong husbands picking them up and twirling them about either. Real life just had a lot less of that and a lot more real, different to each couple kinds of affection!

    4. Lynn

      Oh, my, B! I’m 5/4″ but I weigh 170 lbs and I do not hesitate to sit on my 78-year old husband’s lap – if he tells me he’s ok to do it, I trust him!

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    5. libl

      I know several couples where the wife is either taller and/or heavier than her husband…..and the husbands are VERY much satisfied with their wives.

      Confidence is sexy. Part of my marriage problems stemmed from my being a mousey doormat, cowering, crying, complaining, and not believing better of myself or my husband. He wasn’t as attracted to me. Now that I am more confident, he finds it incredibly sexy and a major relief. It is burdensome having a down and out spouse.

      One of the most confident persons I know has no arms or legs!! He does more in his life and for God’s glory than I ever have with a normal body. I know a woman who is disfigured greatly from a fire who has a marvelously romantic and happy marriage with her gorgeous husband. In fact, post-fire, she was able to heal enough to have another baby with him! And, despite the scars from the fire and multiple surgeries, she is remarkably beautiful and well-poised, though conventionally, she wouldn’t be a cover model.

      Never mind your husband for the time being. Get right with God and learn about His purpose and love for you. The Enemy wants you to keep wallowing. It hurts you, your marriage, and stops whatever ministry God has with you.

      Reply
      1. B

        Libl, thanks for replying. I don’t agree with what you said about the size thing, but everyone can have an opinion. My (petite and beautiful) sisters reminded me daily that no man would ever even look at a woman taller than him, and so I never even considered dating a guy smaller than me.

        I am trying to focus more on God and His purpose for me, and it is why I am no longer bitter. Still a little sad, still feel badly for my husband, but I’m not bitter. And I was. So that’s an improvement. And it’s not a question of attractiveness in general, it’s a question of being attractive to MY husband. The question was “are you HIS type?” And sadly, in my marriage, the answer is no.

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        1. Rosemary

          Before I was married, I dated men of different heights, including shorter than me, about my height, and taller. Clearly, some men are perfectly happy to date a taller woman! I believe that men were attracted to my confidence – because confidence IS attractive, and true confidence has nothing to do with being conceited.

          B, you seem extraordinarily determined to believe the bad and not the good. In a society where we all have plenty of choices, it is extremely rare for a man to marry a woman he doesn’t find attractive. Most people are not hung up on a single “type”. If your husband tells you he finds you attractive, it is disrespectful not to believe him.

          In any case, I hope you’ll give a lot of thought to your problem with confirmation bias, and give some more thought to the sincere, positive messages that are being posted here by people with knowledge and experience.

          Good luck.

          Reply
        2. Shay

          I think that you shouldn’t put much thought into what your sisters say. I think that they are cruel and probably jealous. They are not men and have no idea what men think. If you husband asks you to sit on his lap than trust him. He knows what he wants. You are rejecting him because of your thoughts and not because of anything he has ever said. Trust God to help your heart to heal beyond the words and lies that you have been told. I am praying for you

          Reply
  6. Maddie

    @libl My husband did that to me only once. I did not find it funny and turned the tables on him. I caught him and a girl passing a look. When I stomped on his foot, he said, “I used to get hot girls talking to me in clubs all the time.”, I answered, “Yeah, everyone does stupid things that they regret when their drunk. And I’ve never drank, but I’ve been told that all guys look way hotter after several shots. You can be glad that you got such a good, patient, loving, intelligent woman who was attracted to you sober….But if you’d rather go back to the clubs, go ahead. I had two guys ask me out already this month. If you don’t want me, the guy who lives next to the country club and drives a Jag asked me to dinner when you and his wife are working late.”

    He stop talking, looked at me like “Are you serious?”, and when I nodded ‘yes’, he, grinned at me, kissed my forehead, and said, “Go out with him. He’ll want to buy you expensive presents. Tell him that you have a mortgage that you could use some help with. And would love to have a lawn service come cut your grass….I’m sorry, Maddie. I wasn’t really looking. I just noticed.”

    I kissed him and replied, “And the rich guy wasn’t really flirting, he was just talking. She was very pretty, and he was a very good talker. No harm, right?”

    He crushed me in a hug, burst out laughing and said, “Next time, you can slap me.”

    “No, next time you watch the kids while I go out. Just keep that in mind. If you won’t appreciate me, other guys want to. But I’m faithful to you. Stop making me feel small and uncomfortable. Two can play at the game. And I love you too much to have us either be tempted to walk that road. But I’m telling you now, if you chase other girls, don’t be shocked to see me in the arms of another guy because I will have zero trouble replacing you. And I would hate every second of it. Get control, Buddy. And don’t ever say something like that again.”

    He never, ever did it again and noticed other guys looking at me for the first time. He seemed stunned as though just because I was his, no other guy would want me. He is sure of my fidelity but watches other guys a lot more now. That also takes his attention off any “noticing”.

    Reply
    1. libl

      That would so not work in my marriage. My hubby likes to “flight/play to win” and will fight dirty. He also thinks it is hot that other guys have looked at me or asked me out. It doesn’t make him jealous.

      I did once tell him I would need a lifetime subscription to playgirl to match the number of naked women he gets to see (he doesn’t look at porn on his own as far as I know, but TV, movies, YouTube videos, and the guys at work provide plenty). That seemed to make him think.

      I have thought of checking out other guys, flirting, or making comments about certain actors, but 1. I don’t want to sin and 2. I want to treat others how I want to be treated.

      Reply
      1. e2

        B,

        Sorry I keep commenting, but there’s just so much in your post. You wrote:

        “And do you know how many women have said to me “oh my you are so tall!” “I feel so small standing next to you!” Great. Glad I could help. So happy my flaws can make you feel as beautiful and perfect as we both know you already are.”

        Let me offer a different perspective. Is it possible that the short women are *complimenting* you because they don’t like being short? Most short people I know, including my former girlfriend, all say they hate being short and envy taller people. Short people complain they are never taken seriously. While my taller wife complains that all the cute clothes are in the petite section, my short girlfriend complained that all the serious clothes were in the misses and women’s sections. My short girlfriend was anything but confident in her beauty.

        Yes, Mary Ann was cute and perky but I would never describe her as “sexy” or “seductive” even when she wore short shorts and a crop top. Those words are Ginger’s words.

        I’m not into beauty contests, but it seems to me that Miss America is typically taller, isn’t she? And that paragon of beauty, Barbie, is a tall, statuesque blond, just like you.

        I’m old enough and sexist enough that my standard was always that a woman be lightly shorter than me, just as you are to your husband.

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      2. e2

        Libl,

        My wife sometimes comments about an actor or TV personality being cute or good looking. It doesn’t bother me because I know she doesn’t prefer them to me. After all, she still sleeps with me.

        But, I do playfully remind her that if I ever said anything like that about a female actor, she would be crushed. And, she would, so I never comment on another woman’s looks.

        I consider it one of those fairer double standards that I can live with.

        Reply
  7. Amy

    @B, I’m 5’9 and 148…my hubby is 5’8 and 145… he thinks I’m hot, beautiful and sexy. Sure, the time he tried picking me up and making love against the wall didn’t *quite* go Hollywood perfect, but we had fun trying and have an amazing love life. Seriously, you’re way too hard on yourself! Relax and believe your husband loves you, and for that very reason, overlooks it or at least cares MUCH LESS about it than you do. Laugh, try fun things, enjoy your marriage and stop wasting sooo much energy worrying about it. My husband’s “type” was an athletic girl he could go hiking and running with (hahahahahahaha) … however, GOD put us together and He has called us to one another. Even if it wasn’t exactly what we pictured before we met. Therefore, you are the perfect wife for your husband. Nobody else can do for him what God put you in his life to do.

    Reply

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