My Favorite Feeling During Sex (And It’s Not Orgasm)

Contrary to some opinion out there, I don’t walk around thinking about sex 24/7. Outside of this important work I do, I’m just as likely to be thinking about the lyrics of a David Bowie song or wondering how laundry breeds like rabbits or listening to a politics podcast as I am thinking about the sexual intimacy in my marriage.

But I do sometimes evaluate how things are going, as I believe all spouses should. And the other day, I was thinking about our most recent lovemaking session and how it had made me feel. A strange thought struck me — surprised me really — and I thought it worth sharing with y’all.

My favorite feeling during sex isn’t orgasm.

Blog post title + woman throwing arms out in excitement, sunshine shining on her

WHAT?! How can that be? Isn’t orgasm the pinnacle of sexual pleasure? The aria of the opera? The chocolate syrup on the sundae? The Wonder Woman of superheroes?!

Haven’t I written several posts about orgasms, including What’s So Great about an Orgasm? and The Amusement Park of Orgasms? Aren’t I one of the biggest fangirls of the Big O?

Yes. Yes, I am.

While I recognize that not every wife experiences orgasm as an earth-shattering event, and certainly not every orgasm is as terrific as every other, it is a pretty lovely gift from our Father. It’s typically the peak moment of sexual pleasure, thus earning its name of climax.

But when I thought about it, I realized it still isn’t my favorite feeling. Because my favorite feeling when we make love is…

When my husband enters me.

It’s this moment that makes me feel the best about our marriage bed, the closest to him, the most grateful for this experience called sex. Because, to me, it’s then that one flesh really happens in a physical way. I’m not only reminded, but I physically experience these truths:

We fit together. The man-part fits inside the woman-part. If you study the anatomy of how our genitalia are designed to come together just so, it’s pretty amazing. God managed to design all shapes and sizes, and still those two parts almost always fit together.

Maybe that’s why Genesis 1 says, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (v. 27). And then the next verse is: “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number…’” (v. 28). We’re made male and female, and since those two parts fit so perfectly, we can be fruitful together.

We meet each other’s longings. If a man and a woman grew up alone without any outside knowledge of sex, I think they’d still figure sex out. Why? Because once a man becomes aroused, something in his mind triggers the notion that he wants to put that erection inside something … or rather, someone. His physiology clues him into the idea that it would feel really good to penetrate his beloved woman with his penis.

Meanwhile, once a woman becomes truly aroused (which, by the way, is often after things get going), she can experience a strong desire to have something inside her … or rather, someone. Her physiology triggers the thought that being filled up in there would satisfy a biological and emotional longing.

If we’re attuned to our sexuality, we experience a desire for what the other one has. When that longing is met, through penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration, something deep inside is also sated. As if you’re both filled by what the other offers.

We’re totally connected. Sexual activity can be pleasurable in so many ways, and there are many delights to be experienced. But there’s something in particular about intercourse that demonstrates physically the connection we have emotionally and relationally. You’re literally linked together in one particular part of your bodies.

In that moment, you can feel like you’re a part of the other. His penis belongs to her, and her vagina belongs to him … representing physically how you belong to each other. No, of course people don’t get this feeling with just anyone they have sex with, and unfortunately not every marriage has this sensation. But it’s what God intended. When you feel deeply connected in your marriage, sexual intercourse is a physical confirmation of that connection — that intimacy.

So what if you don’t feel these things, but you want to?

First off, if you’re experiencing problems having intercourse, check out my latest post on Q&A with J: “He Goes Hard and Then Soft.”

Second, ask how your whole relationship is going. Because you’ll feel these things far more readily when you two have been investing in your friendship, your partnership, your romantic affection. Then this deep connection is an outgrowth of what exists outside the bedroom.

Also, consider how attuned you are to your sexuality and — perhaps more so — your sensuality. How much do you allow yourself to really think about the sensations you’re experiencing during sexual arousal and pleasure? Are you aware of what your body telling you about how it wants to be touched? If you struggle with this, my book Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design gives lots of tips for focusing your mind on what’s happening with your body.

Next, talk about whether you’re spending enough time doing those things before intercourse that make PIV penetration a welcome experience. Some wives need more time individually to prepare themselves, by stepping away from work or household or mothering duties for a while before engaging in sex with hubby. You may also need more flirtation throughout the day or connecting conversation with your husband. Many most wives need more prolonged foreplay to really get to that point where they long for their husband to enter them. You should be very wet — on your own or with the handy-dandy help of your personal lube — and your inner vaginal lips swollen to 2-3 times their normal size. You might even feel that longing more intensely if he gets you to clitoral orgasm first, through manual play, oral sex, or whatever works for y’all.

Finally, ask how your whole view of sexual intimacy is going. Do you see it as a positive thing in your life? Many do, but many struggle as well. For various reasons, so I don’t have a one-size-fits-all suggestion here. But if you don’t feel good about sexual intimacy itself, it’s unlikely you’ll experience that sense of one-fleshness with intercourse in your marriage. I know you can’t flip a switch, but you can be honest about where you are and take steps in the right direction to resolve the obstacles you face. And you can use that search bar up top to see if I have posts addressing your particular problem.

I’m praying that every couple can experience the beauty of being linked together in this special and amazing way. It’s my favorite feeling in my marriage bed, and I want you to know its distinct pleasure as well.

22 thoughts on “My Favorite Feeling During Sex (And It’s Not Orgasm)

  1. Nick Peters

    As a man, I think it’s just overall that my wife trusts me with her sacred and beautiful body and that is amazing. I try to be the Spock type with rational thinking, but really the term that keeps coming to my mind with sex is “Magical.”

    Reply
  2. Amy

    Beautiful post, J! And I have to say, I completely agree!
    While orgasm is awesome and I desire it each and every time, and am greatly disappointed when it doesn’t happen for some reason, the oneness we experience during PIV is so amazing and truly creates the one flesh.

    Reply
  3. libl

    I do like that, but I think my husband likes it more. He has a more euphoric face at that time than he does at climax. One of the reasons he won’t do oral or manual is because he vastly prefers, desires, and wants to enter me. He wants our orgasms to be completed while we are together that way and even feels it was “wrong” of God to make PIV climax so challenging, and in many cases, impossible for women.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I wonder if he understands that doing oral and/or manual would make that moment even more wonderful for the wife. Because it often does. (And you can show this comment if you’d think he’d accept it.)

      Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Although I follow your thinking and I agree with it I believe this type of argument could be used for those against oral sex and anal sex.

    It’s a very easy agrument to say a penis only fits perfectly in the vaginal so it should not go in a mouth (I do know that you are against anal sex and anal play).

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      So I can’t write a post praising PIV because someone might think I’m against oral? I hear ya, but I think there’s a reason why intercourse is God’s primary command for married couples. It’s by no means the only sexual activity we can engage in (or Song of Songs would be very short), but I do think it’s pretty special. ♥

      Reply
  5. Ann

    Perfect! My husband and I were discussing this exact thing last week. We have lots of other fun but nothing tops that “slide inside” feeling. Even after 35 years!!

    Reply
      1. Ann

        I think it should be an encouragement to the “younger marrieds” that we are still enjoying the intimate side of our marriages when we are not so young anymore. And to be honest, it is better now than when we were young. We have worked past issues that affected us in the early years, I have overcome “modesty” that had no place in marriage, past eroneus teaching from the pulpit (had that pastor not read Song of Solomon?) and we know each other at a level that is only accomplished by traveling through fire and water together. Life is good.

        Reply
  6. Keelie Reason

    Really love this, because I think we can get so stuck on orgasms, that we forget we are acting out physically what God did for us spiritually with our spouse. All aspects of sex can be great and amazing when you think about it like this.

    Reply
  7. B

    Try not to be too graphic, but the highlight to me is my wife’s eye expressions when I lay still and climax inside of her vaginally or orally or when accepting my semen facially. Her eyes melt my heart.

    Reply
  8. Matt

    Could not agree more. The term my bride and I use is ‘connected.’ It’s a supernatural gift we’ve been given, but just being together helps make all things right again with the daily grind of raising kids and doing life. Yes, the orgasm is fun but having someone give you all they have is a wonderful experience. God’s design is BEST!

    Reply
  9. Phil

    I couldn’t not comment on this. Been reading your blog in silence for quite some time. It seems to me your writing style has changed a bit? Yes, you are blunt. Which is right up my alley. Maybe it has jut been the topics. This post and the one from the other day seem a little graphic. Oh no, I am not complaining. I come from the world of what it was like, what did I do to improve, and what it is like now. AKA, What are the results/Success? Thanks for sharing the results of your work. I don’t know about any one else, but this post makes me want to do more work in my marriage. Really thankful I can read this in a healthy manner. It has been a long journey for me. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say that after reading all that I am glad the wife and I have plans tonight. Ha Ha. Maybe the proper thanks is Thank You Jesus! Very grateful for my marriage today. Thanks J.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Huh. I actually talked to my husband about sharing that this was my favorite feeling…and we both thought, “Hey, if people know we’re having sex, they know he enters me.” I really didn’t share anything else on a personal level. I don’t think…

      But I’m glad it had a positive effect for you!

      Reply
  10. Jason

    “I don’t walk around thinking about sex 24/7… I’m just as likely to be… wondering how laundry breeds like rabbits.”

    Lol. 🙂

    Great post, helps me to be more intentional about enjoying all parts of the experience.

    Reply
  11. Sean

    Very nice post. It is so sad that so few women feel this way. Instead, they only care about their husbands for the money they can provide, while denying sexual fulfillment. They hold out sex like a child teasing a puppy with a piece of bacon. So we husbands are left begging for the sexual scraps that our “Christian” wives reluctantly dole out like prison rations and we are expected to show eternal gratitude and never ask for anything more. The churches encourage this by attacking men on a constant basis while telling wives that they are the true Christians and they should pray for their sinful husbands.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I agree that this is the experience of some, but it’s not even the experience of most. The vast majority of wives I know are not with their husbands for money; they love their husbands. And oftentimes an unwillingness to have sex has more to do with poor theology, misunderstandings, baggage, and emotional pain than how she (or he) feels about their spouse. I pray that you’ll read up more on my blog about these issues and see if there might be something that helps your marriage. Thanks for reading. Blessings!

      Reply
  12. Anonymous

    Wow, I love this post!! Thank you for writing it J!

    My husband and I have been experiencing vaginismus for going on three years now. We’ve actually never had sex together before to be honest. It has been one of the hardest things to try and figure out!

    We have learned other ways to please each other sexually without vaginal penetration, but it’s still super discouraging sometimes.
    This was very encouraging to read tonight.

    If you would have thoughts or words of wisdom in this area, I would love to hear from you J!! Thank you again!! Please keep writing!!

    Reply
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  14. Tamela Nelson

    I just saw this blog. I have to agree with you. I’m 55, and I been married almost 36 years; we have 9 children, and 10 grandkids. I’m telling you this because every time we have sex, great sex, just ok sex, or sex ‘just for him or me’, I always think, ‘I’m the only one s who gets to do this with him’ and vice versa. I love him madly, deeply, and forever, as he does me, but this one thing makes me truly love our sex life. I’m so thankful that my redeemer God is so good, kind, and gracious to create sex to have the capacity to be such an awesome thing for his beloved children.

    Reply

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