Q&A with J: He Doesn’t Want Regular Intercourse

Today’s reader question addresses a husband who prefers oral or anal sex over regular PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse. There’s more to the email that the wife sent me, but the pertinent parts are here:

Because of my husband’s past sexual experiences he tends to prefer sexual acts other than just vaginal intercourse to get aroused and to climax. For example, he seems to only get aroused if I give him oral sex and he likes anal sex. I have told him that anal sex is very painful for me and that I do not find it to be an appropriate sexual act for two Christians. He has since stopped trying to initiate anal which I feel is respectful to me and I appreciate his response.

However, when we do have sex I have to start out with oral to get him hard and sometimes he never even penetrates me, he just finishes by climaxing in my mouth. I do not mind giving him oral sex but the semen in my mouth makes me gag every time. Also, if he does penetrate I am grossed out when he wants his penis back in my mouth almost immediately (I do not like the taste of my own juices). He sometimes can’t even stay hard unless he puts it back in my mouth.

Is this normal for a man to not like or to not prefer his penis in a vagina and just like it in a mouth?

Blog post title + illustration of worried woman with thought bubble

I hate to break it to you, but no, this isn’t normal. Or at least, it’s not good and how God designed sexual intimacy in marriage.

It sounds to me like your husband’s view of sexuality is that it’s primarily physical and for his own pleasure. Additionally, I suspect his desire for edgier sexual practices could be based on previous partners or pornography.

Regardless, he’s missing the core goal of intimacy. Becoming “one flesh” can mean a number of things in marriage, but it certainly involves the physical connection of husband and wife in intercourse.

Becoming one flesh can mean a number of things in marriage, but it certainly involves the physical connection of husband and wife in intercourse. Click To Tweet

What about anal sex?

As for anal sex, I advise against it for a number of reasons. In fact, my podcast partners and I discussed a listener’s question on anal sex in our last episode. I shared my opinion that it’s not okay for Christians to misuse the bodies God gave them.

And I believe it is a misuse of our bodies since health professionals give clear warnings that anal sex:

  • Can lead to fecal incontinence, by stretching the sphincter muscle intended to hold in feces
  • Can increase the risk of anal cancer, by passing the HPV virus
  • Is the riskiest sexual behavior for contracting HIV, more  than 17 times higher than vaginal intercourse and twice as risky as needle-sharing during injection drug use
  • Is more likely to transmit other diseases and infections, such as gonorrhea, Hepatitis A, B, and C, parasites, and bacteria such as E.Coli

Why does anal sex pose greater risk? Because the anus lacks the natural lubrication of a vagina, such that penetration can tear the interior tissue, allowing bacteria and viruses to enter the bloodstream. Using lubricants alleviates, but does not eliminate, tearing. Moreover, the interior tissue lacks the protective barrier protection our outer tissue has, making it more vulnerable to fissures and the spread of infection.

Just looking at all this information convinces me that God did not intend for the penis to penetrate the anus, and your husband needs to know it’s a bad idea.

Not to mention that the vast majority of women report pain with anal sex. While some later report pleasure, after many penetrations, they might have merely loosened their sphincter muscle enough to not hurt in the moment—but clearly, there’s a price to pay for damaging your sphincter muscle this way.

“’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

What about oral sex?

What’s more concerning right now is your husband’s seeming fixation on oral arousal. While I’m certainly not opposed to “blow jobs,” the crown jewel of sexual intimacy should be penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse.

And it’s not typical for a man to require oral manipulation to maintain an erection or reach climax. It sounds like this has become the way he gets aroused, probably because of past experiences that rewired his pleasure process.

As frustrating as it may be in the short term, I’d suggest you stop doing oral. Because your husband needs to rewire how he gets turned on, maintains an erection, and achieves orgasm.

Now I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to march in the bedroom and say, “That’s it, buddy; no more ____ for you!” That’s likely to devolve into an argument. And understandably so. Neither spouse should be the sole determinant of what happens in your marriage bed.

But you need to discuss the situation with your husband and explain that you want to experience better sexual intimacy, including more exploration of one another’s bodies, more romance and foreplay, and a focus on learning how to engage in PIV. To that end, you feel like you need to move away from oral for a while until his body can respond to other sensations involved in making love.

Encourage your husband to read Song of Songs with you and see how much they engage in flirtation, kissing, touching and appreciation of one another’s bodies, and lovemaking. It may inspire him to see how sensual and erotic the Word of God is regarding sex in marriage. We could learn a lot from those godly lovers!

Also, if he is struggling with his past or what he saw in porn, he should consider getting counseling to undo the damage of those experiences. If porn remains a draw, get internet filtering software to keep the temptation at bay, like Covenant Eyes. And work together for true physical intimacy in your marriage.

Sources: The Consequences of Heterosexual Anal Sex for Women – Medical Institute for Sexual HealthAnal Sex Safety and Health Concerns – Web MD

45 thoughts on “Q&A with J: He Doesn’t Want Regular Intercourse

  1. Stuart Tutt

    What a great verse of Scripture to use here J.

    I agree that his sexual act preferences are NOT normal. In my opinion only here…it is more than likely a porn based issue or it could possibly be a hidden lifestyle during his younger years. But regardless of the reasons he does need help spiritually and mentally. Also, I agree that the oral should stop for a while to allow his brain pathways to heal themselves.

    Great post with sound advice for your readers!

    Reply
  2. Doug

    Lost in translation?

    The 16th century Geneva Bible utilized the term “buggerers.” Buggery is an old English word for anal intercourse:

    1 Corinthians 6:9-10 1599 Geneva Bible (GNV)
    Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor wantons, nor buggerers, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor railers, nor extortioners shall inherit the kingdom of God.

    Reply
    1. Jezz

      Interesting, but the Greek word translated “buggerers” is “malakoi”: the “soft” or “effeminate”, i.e. the “bottom”, or receiving partner in a homosexual act.

      It is clearly translated “buggerers” in this instance because that was the vernacular of the day that was used to refer to homosexuals.

      It’s only lost in translation if we don’t understand what was meant in context. Even in British English today, people of my generation would know that homosexuality was implied by this epithet.

      Reply
      1. Doug

        Jezz, seems not just homosexuals as per old English. According Wikipedia:

        “R v Jacobs (1817) Russ & Ry 331 confirmed that buggery related only to intercourse per anum by a man with a man or woman, or intercourse per anum or per vaginam by either a man or a woman with an animal. Other forms of “unnatural intercourse” may amount to indecent assault or gross indecency, but do not constitute buggery (see generally: Smith & Hogan, Criminal Law (10th ed.) ISBN 0-406-94801-1)”

        Reply
        1. Jezz

          True (and indeed I was waiting for someone to bring that up), but that’s taking us away from both the Greek text (most importantly) and, less importantly, the *typical* use of the term in day-to-day English.

          I’ve got no objection to treating anal sex as one of those disputable matters that we can amicably disagree about, or indeed disapprove of on humane grounds.

          But we do need to be careful about how we treat the word of God; i.e. not making it say things it doesn’t say, no matter how good our intentions.

          And indeed not overlaying our cultural context on the Biblical meaning.

          My concern would be that if we import anal sex into our interpretation of this Scripture, and lose sight of its original meaning as applied to homosexuality, we end up weakening the original meaning in people’s minds, or simply teaching wrong doctrine, and thereby lose an important battle in the process of attempting to win a far less significant one which can be better settled by other means.

          Nice to see a well-informed response, though! :o)

          Reply
          1. J Post author

            I’m just letting y’all go at this one. 😉 I do think my own case is pretty solid for simply using reason to determine that God did not create the body for that use. But I digress from your intricate linguistic discussion.

          2. Doug

            J, your rationale is good.

            Jezz, “arsenokoitēs” is the word translated “buggery” in the Geneva. My point was that old English law concerning buggery sheds light on what translators of the day meant when they used the word. The anal aspect is clear. I defer to the skilled translators, specifically those of the past that stand outside the bias of our pro LGBTQ culture that seeks to minimize homosexuality. The KJV translates the same word “abusers of themselves with mankind.” In the case of this woman I would say she has a moral responsibility to refuse this type of sexual abuse from her husband.

  3. Sheldon

    Obviously I don’t know the people involved here or their specific situation, But I would say she needs to seriously find out what the porn situation is here. This all sounds VERY porn inspired to me. If he “had” a porn issue that she knows about, Then I would say it wasn’t really dealt with correctly or that it has never stoped. If she knows of no porn issues then it is high time that she do some investigating to learn the truth.

    Speaking as someone that was addicted to porn but was convicted and did all the hard work of recovery and has been porn free since, This sounds very porn (and I will add masturbation) inspired. Once it has been truly dealt with and is gone, appetites do change. Also the whole issue of being “able” to climax changes as well. When I was into porn and masturbation, I found that sometimes it was very difficult to climax. Since I have been free of those things, that is absolutely not an issue anymore.

    Sorry for being graphic, but in porn, men almost always climax through oral or manual stimulation. I don’t know this for sure, but I believe they have mostly lost the ability to climax through PIV sex. They have gotten so used to constant stimulation that they have to have more friction to complete the act. And yes, obviously some of that is for the camera as well.

    So, while stoping oral for now is a good way to retrain his mind and body, It will ultimately fail if he is looking at porn and masturbating.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for chiming in. I do appreciate you providing that perspective. I had the same concerns as well, but didn’t have the background you gave here to back that up fully.

      Reply
  4. Kay

    It sounds like sexual encounters have been reduced to physical pleasure only, and his selfish pleasure at that. It sounds like there is no desire for connection to his wife or mutuality, which falls outside God’s plan for married sexuality. I agree that some difficult conversations and boundaries need to be established, and if he doesn’t see the problem, that counseling is in order. So sorry to hear this. 🙁

    Reply
  5. Gloria Vallieres

    Appreciate this post with all of its complexities.
    I also agree that the husband’s sexual preferences are not normal.
    This might be a situation where the couple needs sex therapy.
    There are Christian sex therapists. If we condition ourselves in an unhealthy
    sexual manner we many need outside help to re-learn healthy patterns.

    Reply
  6. Brian

    I don’t know enough about what is going on completely, but I think this is most likely due to ongoing porn use. I say this based on the fact that he has trouble getting and keeping an erection while inside her. For a young, normal, healthy man getting and keeping an erection shouldn’t be difficult. However, it’s very possible that he’s just atypical and doesn’t have a very high sex drive. It’s possible that he’s not easily aroused and oral is the easiest way for him to become so. Either way, communication with her husband is needed.

    All that being said, what if he never had a problem with porn and he’s just naturally more inclined to really love oral? Based sorely on what you included from the Wife’s email, how do we know for sure that he thinks sex is purely physical and for his pleasure? Maybe he feels a deep connection when she gives him oral? Does he then try to please her? Maybe there’s just information you didn’t include that would clear this up.

    What if a wife didn’t care for PIV at all because she never climaxed from it? Would you still advise her to stay away from oral until she could learn to like PIV? I personally love PIV but what if me and my wife both love oral way more? Do you think it would hurt our marriage? I’m genuinely curious.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Yes, I think if a spouse avoided PIV sex and really only wanted to do the other sex, I’d say they need to rethink what’s going on. I’m not saying that foreplay shouldn’t be a huge part of this, but PIV is the ultimate connection and should be a component of a couple’s sex life. If all a wife ever wanted to do was oral sex, I’d say they need to refocus.

      (And yeah, there was more to the email that indicated that he was not listening to her concerns…thus being selfish.)

      Reply
      1. Doug

        Sometimes a woman might be very loose vaginally due to many child births. This could cause a husband to seek ways of higher stimulation. Especially if he has ED.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          True. But in this particular case, it has always been this way in the marriage.

          Oh, and there are treatments for “very loose vaginally.” In case anyone out there has this issue.

          Reply
  7. Brian

    If it has been this way the whole marriage then either he has very little sex drive or he does indeed have some sexual corrections he needs to make to himself.

    It’s likely that he doesn’t understand much about his own sexuality. If no one ever taught him about sex, and porn is all he’s known, then he probably doesn’t even know how emotional and spiritual sex is for him. I really never made many of these connections myself until a few years ago when I started reading things on marriage blogs. I knew that I had a deep need and that I was unhappy all the time when it wasn’t met, but I rationalized that it was entirely biology. When I realized that what I really craved was the connection and soul-binding that lovemaking provided, it was like everything finally made sense.

    Reply
  8. Mark

    This was a hard one for me to read.

    I wish I could remember the name of the female author and the name of the book she wrote, emphasizing “intimacy is all about the woman” as a book like that could open his eyes. (we tossed it as we didn’t want our young daughters reading it, wish we still had it)

    I agree with the comment of “connection and soul binding that lovemaking provided” as there is definitely a “connection” issue going on that can’t be explained.

    There maybe some ED issues that is brought on by over-stimulating the mind from repetitively some very strange porn. But if he stopped looking at porn, maybe his mind will partially heal.

    If they can pursue emotional connection that is centered outside the bedroom, maybe he will open his eyes. It is in my view, that one of the sexiest things is when lovers are able to go and out of one another’s mind like a revolving door.

    Maybe another solution, is for her to offer oral, get him aroused, then simply stop. He might lose his erection, but at a certain point he, rise to the occasion and may desire PIV.

    I went to have a physical a few years back and somehow the questions about sex came up, and the nurse reminded me that one of the most important sex organ in the body is the brain.

    Reply
  9. Anna Kate

    Is it just me or do these practices sound like they point not only to viewing porn but perhaps gay porn as well? Only because he ONLY wants oral and anal and PIV isn’t arousing enough to him to maintain an erection. It makes me think he may view her body as unappealing and is fantasizing about men. I could be totally off-base! That just came to mind when reading through this.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Not really. Anal sex has become a big deal in heterosexual porn, as well as erotica. Sure, it’s a possibility, but I don’t think this alone is enough to raise red flags. To me, it would have to be paired with other attitudes or behaviors outside the bedroom.

      Reply
      1. libl

        Not sure their ages, but I think younger people are growing up on oral and anal sex. Between the prevalence of it in porn and the “birth control” aspects of them, plus young girls believe it is a way to preserve their virginity while keeping a guy around by giving him sexual favors all add up to their formative early sexual awakening years being largely based on more deviant or alternative sexual activities.

        Reply
      2. Thomas Smith

        J, why is anal sex a big thing in erotica, when women primarily write and read erotica, and anal sex is painful for most women?

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          I think it’s because a lot of erotica is actually informed by porn. And then, because it’s fictionalized, it can be portrayed as being something sexy and trendy. You see a lot of S&M and now anal sex in erotica…and those were first in porn. Perhaps the core audiences are the same?

          Reply
  10. Sylvia

    I think the husband is just being selfish and doesn’t consider his wife’s feelings at all. The pleasure is one sided and l don’t think that’s the way God planned it to be..in my opinion the man has a lot of issues due to his past and they should strongly consider going for counselling.

    Reply
  11. Cassie from True Agape

    It sounds like the husband is more concerned of his own pleasure only. He might have respected his wife about stopping anal sex however, reaching his climax always after the oral sex shouldn’t be happening all the time. My question is have the wife told his husband that he isnt comfortable with him finishing it in her mouth?

    Reply
  12. Chris

    Porn could be an issue but the reality is that if he is PIED, he couldn’t get hard with oral sex either. Not all erections are created equal, and a man has to be extremely hard to have anal sex. How offen do we hear “most women cannot climax just through intercourse”? We just accept it don’t we? Rather than exploring it by saying “maybe gods a fool who can’t design human bodies right!” Or maybe a wife has just trained her body to orgasm through clitoral stimulation because thats how she masturbated to porn, and now she can’t orgasm vaginaly. My point is that not everyone is the same. There is also the possibility that he gets turned off during PIV because she just lies there and does not really engage. Biggest turn off on earth. But a lot of women do it because they think thats what sex is. You lie there, man does all the work, and its all wonderful. Uh, no. Maybe thats why he likes the oral so much is that he feels like she is engaging. I realize that i am playing devils advocate here but i just think its overly simplistic to say “well he is on porn”. Male sexuality is more complex than that. There seems to be this trend on christian sex blogs. In effect porn becomes a scapegoat to explain the complexities in male sexuality that most women oversimplify.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I hear you, but Chris, I pretty clearly didn’t just blame porn. It’s not the scapegoat for everything. Honestly, I think bad messages about sex are often as much to blame as porn. In fact, a recent study on anal sex among teens showed that peer pressure accounted for this desire as well: “Even though not all the young men in the study said they wanted to have anal sex, many of them said men encourage one another to try the practice. In a group discussion as part of the study, young men said anal sex was something they do for competition” (Teen Anal Sex Study: 6 Unexpected Findings).

      That said, the thought of blaming the wife here with the notion that maybe she “just lies there and does not really engage” strikes me as short-sighted, at the least. If she just lies there anyway (which I know she doesn’t from the rest of the email), why would anal sex appeal to him? Why would he be willing to have PIV but really only want to ejaculate with oral? Your explanation doesn’t fit the fact pattern here, and it also feels like it’s justifying his actions. Instead, if a wife isn’t participating, the husband should work on that — not suggest a bunch of other practices that essentially treat her as his tool to reach climax.

      Reply
      1. Mark

        J,

        I’m trying to fathom his messed up motivation to avoid PIV. If they are young, maybe it is to avoid pregnancy. Maybe through viewing porn, he got the wrong idea that a woman likes it more than PIV.

        If the easiest way he is able to experience an erection is through her giving him oral, maybe he has medical issues that can be addressed. That still doesn’t account for him to preferring anal over vaginal and deny his wife pleasure.

        Usually, the intimacy is more pleasurable for the man (both mentally and physically) when he is taking her to the edge with foreplay and then slowly insert PIV.

        Emotionally connecting could be an issue that needs to be addressed, so he can re-discover and strengthen the existing love they share. He may also need to take a biology lesson to know what is happening to a woman, when the man is nurturing her Vagina during intimacy, as that kind of knowledge can ignite passions toward his wife, he has never experienced, especially when he is making her Vagina aroused and moist with desire.

        I have to believe, he must want his wife to desire him, but he doesn’t understand the mental and physical biology of a woman, or even himself.

        Reply
      2. Chris

        J, I didn’t intend to blame the wife. I just felt it was necessary for the husband in this situation to have an advocate ad he is not here to defend himself and he was getting pounced on pretty hard. There are always two sides to every story. I also may have misread the post. I inferred from the post that she was getting him hard through oral and the trying piv. Where he would get soft again. So back to oral to get hard again. You are saying that after the intial oral, piv went fine until nearing climax when he wanted to go back to oral? I may have been confused there. Also, J, as much as I love you, this statement makes no sense “if a wife isn’t engaging, the husband should work on that.” Uh, if the wife isn’t engaging, she should work on that. I am not clear on what a husband could do in those circumstances. In any event it does sound to me that this man has problems but i just felt like he was getting unnecessarily trashed and we just dont have enough info here.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          You know what? I agree with you: I shouldn’t have intimated that it’s the husband’s responsibility to work on a wife’s non-participation. I misspoke. The wife should indeed work on that, but the husband should also be involved as a positive influence. That is, whatever obstacles are in the marriage bed, whoever brought them, the couple should work together to resolve them.

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          1. E

            Also, getting a wife to ‘engage’ by doing something she really doesn’t like (oral after PIV) is not magically going to make her engage in sexual intimacy in the future. It is only going to turn her off her husband, and probably sex in general. I mean, it gets him what he wants in the moment, but long term? I really think he would be better off wooing his wife in other ways to help her engage enthusiastically in the future. Because that should be his ultimate goal, shouldn’t it? Enthusiastic sexual intimacy, not a wife who ‘doesn’t just lie there’ but hates every minute of it.

    2. Mark

      Chris, he may have ED issues and struggles to maintain an erection and typically the sucking motions can stimulate more blood to flow into the penis than comes out.

      Aside from the mental stimulation, the next important aspect of intimacy is blood freely flowing into his penis. There could be mental and physical health issues going on with him. Drugs, alcohol, masturbation, but I’m also convinced he needs to continually maintain emotional connection with his wife and she the same with him.

      Lets say, if for one second if her intimate opening between her labia lips was “looser”, that should be more of a turn on than a turn off, as it actually creates an opportunity to tease her through slow penetration as it would make her go insane while at the same time knowing her arousal is continuing to climb into uncharted places. For most men that should elevate even more mental stimulation, not less as he feels her grip spasm on his penis.

      So in my view, it doesn’t matter how loose or tight she is, he isn’t showing any indication how to make love to his wife, if all he wants is BJ or anal, or BJ after a little PIV, expecting her to taste herself,, strange kink going on in his mind. He experienced some bad mentoring or no mentoring at all

      He acts as if he doesn’t even understand (or is attempting to understand) what happens to a woman when a man is lighting her fire,, heck I’m still learning.

      Reply
  13. mepharisee

    “Because of my husband’s past sexual experiences he tends to prefer sexual acts other than just vaginal intercourse to get aroused and to climax.” I take it he is over sexed. Possibly very sexually active from an early age. Vaginal sex can become a bit ho-hum in this day & age. At least, that’s where I will go since we don’t know all the details & what was said is what we need to know. If it were a porn, gay porn, or abuse as a child cause I don’t see why that’d be left out. Unless the wife said so. At any rate, I hope he is open to change & pray he listens & learns to love & be sensitive to her needs. If he is this way when the wife is very erotic with him (like shaving pubes, allowing him to ejaculate on other body parts, etc.) then the solution is mostly on him being a real husband rather than a worldly man.

    “I have told him that anal sex is very painful for me and that I do not find it to be an appropriate sexual act for two Christians. He has since stopped trying to initiate anal which I feel is respectful to me and I appreciate his response.“ If he is respectful here then he seems at least to have some sensitivity. He seems willing to listen & change, so I pray he can let go of the anal altogether. However, (& I hope I’m not black balled for this) I wouldn’t sweat having anal sex. Meaning I don’t think she should harbor any guilt for having anal sex. I’m not advocating for it. It is definitely not God’s intent. Vag sex is the order of the day. Yet, I chalk anal sex up to Christian liberty. Like drinking alcohol, tattoos, masturbation, & many denominational beliefs in Christianity. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, there is a lot of info that says don’t do it. I just don’t see it as a sin. If I am wrong, please shed some scriptural light on it. The 1 Cor 6 passage talked about earlier is translated homosexual, meaning both the giving & receiving of the act between men. Romans 1 talks of the replacing of the natural use of the opposite sex. So, I gather that gay sex is a sin 1. because God says not to do it, 2. because it replaces the hetero marriage standard. Not because of PIA, per se. We can speculate many other reasons why but these are the scriptures. Again, not advocating for anal sex, just wouldn’t call it a sin.

    “…if he does penetrate I am grossed out when he wants his penis back in my mouth almost immediately (I do not like the taste of my own juices). He sometimes can’t even stay hard unless he puts it back in my mouth.

    Is this normal for a man to not like or to not prefer his penis in a vagina and just like it in a mouth?“ So the husband does have vagina sex. Just not very much. To answer her question, no it is not normal. Vag sex is the bomb. I can’t help but think he wants to think that too. Again, if she is doing all she can to make it appetizing (masturbating with or for him, different places, positions, etc.) then he is on his own. She will need some patients & persistence. Get him reading some blogs or books & pray.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for your comment! It might be worth listening to more of my thoughts about this on our recent podcast episode: http://forchristianwives.com/episode-31-listener-questions/ No, I don’t think anal sex is a salvation issue. But is it wrong? I think harming your body and/or your spouse’s body is wrong. And there’s a lot of evidence that anal sex involves way more risk than could possibly be worth the act itself. A scripture to back this principle up? How about Philippians 2:4: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

      Reply
      1. mepharisee

        Absolutely. Great conversation & resources on the podcast. I’m in total agreement with each point made. You emailer stressed concern about Christians engaging in it so I thought at least maybe ease any worry is all. Thanks for the reply.

        Reply
  14. WhereIwas

    This sounds similar to my STBEX. He was abusive and had little desire for sex in the first place, but when he did, he usually wanted hand jobs, then blow jobs, lastly PIV with me on top and him laying there like a dead fish doing nothing to contribute to mutual pleasure or my pleasure. Yet, he liked to watch porn and I would find evidence that he had successfully masterbated. I cried when I told my counselor about our sex life and asked what I could do. She said probably nothing, that his feelings about sexuality probably didnt involve me.

    She was quite certain that he had a couple of personality disorders. Both of these disorders display with people only caring about themselves during sex; controlling how often, what type, where, and when; and no matter how strong their libido is, they usually prefer porn to a real woman and they prefer sex that is as least intimate as possible. They do not want sexual give and take (unless they are using it to manipulate an outcome), mutual satisfaction, or the intimacy of looking into each other’s eyes or the feeling of possibly allowing emotional intimacy during sex make them vulnerable.

    So, I think the state of the relationship in general might be significant. Does the husband show consideration and respect of her as a person? By his actions does he prove that he has her needs and wants as a priority? Does he allow MUTUAL emotional vulnerability and support? Or, is he constantly selfish, distant, controlling, or demeaning? Hopefully it is a lack of education or positive sexual information but a deep underlying mental health issue might be the problem.

    Reply
  15. Mark

    J,

    I’m not sure if the husband will even consider counseling, for one thing he probably doesn’t want to expose his sexual oddities. He may not want to seek counseling just to emotionally connect.

    So that puts the woman (wife) in a vulnerable dilemma as it maybe up to her to tap into his brain enough for her to open his eyes.

    When my wife and I endured lack of connection, we had to sit down many times and focus what we had to do to be on the same page. We focused on communicating and listening, without verbally colliding or force feeding our will but instead being polite.

    Our sex life improved, turning sensual straight sex into sensually making love.

    I don’t know everything, but focusing on the same wants, goals and interests, without arguing and feel pain when the other is hurt, smile when the other is happy and be more of visionary, it will take the pressure off.

    If they can emotionally connect, then they might be able to have open and honest dialogue. (even if he has ED issues) She may be able to verbally guide his fingertips (or orally) to lightly feather touch her clitoris or even insert his finger tips inside and softly touch her g-spot.

    Reply
  16. Glad That’s Over

    My husband and I aren’t together anymore. But he had/has some appetites that I felt were because of his porn use. He always wanted to try anal sex, and I refused. He didn’t push the issue, but there were a number of times he would stick in a finger when I was really into the experience, and not as likely to complain. I did talk to him about how that wasn’t ok, how it wasn’t respectful to do things to me that he knew I didn’t want, etc. But even after that stopped he still wanted to touch me there when it was time for him to climax. I wasn’t comfortable with that, but because it wasn’t invasive or causing me pain, I allowed it. I would say he climaxed like that at least a third of the time toward the end of our marriage.

    When you’re in a situation, things can feel wrong, but you can be unsure without having any other experience to compare it with. I do know sex is only about physical pleasasure for him. We haven’t been separated for very long yet, but he appears to be trying to find someone new to hop into bed with.

    Reply
      1. Glad That’s Over

        It was mutual other than all of that, and I usually had a great time. But yeah, I’m still so thankful I’m out!

        Reply
  17. Pingback: A Loveliness of Links ~ April 2018 - The Forgiven Wife

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