Tag Archives: Scott Means

Sex Is for You Too

Scott Means profile picFrom time to time, I invite a husband onto my blog to give his take on Christian sex in marriage. I’m rather particular about who these men are, and today I’m super-excited it’s Scott Means of Heaven Made Marriage.

Scott has been writing some stellar stuff about intimacy in marriage, and he also just released a book I want my readers to know about. Rather than take up any more space bragging about my fellow blogger and friend, I’ll just hand it over to Scott, who is talking to you wives today.

blog post title + two fingers with faces and arms drawn to resemble a couple hugging

God has hardwired us to desire intimacy, that deep feeling of closeness and connection.  I’ve often said that intimacy is the most important goal of marriage, and I’ve found that it is by far the number one longing of most couples.

Why then, do so many couples who desire deeper intimacy in their marriage find it so elusive?

In my new Kindle book, The Path of Intimacy, I explain how every couple is on one of two paths: the Path of Intimacy or the Path of Separation. There is no middle ground. You are either growing together or you are growing apart.

Every couple is on one of two paths: the Path of Intimacy or the Path of Separation. - Scott Means Click To Tweet

One reason couples grow apart is that they tend to have some misconceptions about intimacy. In my book I examine these misconceptions, exploring seven common lies that people believe about intimacy in marriage. Buying into these lies can keep couples stuck on the Path of Separation, feeling disconnected and disappointed, when what they desire most is to be together.

“Sex Is for Him”

One of the biggest and most damaging lies a wife can believe is that sexual intimacy is primarily for her husband. It’s amazing to me how many women believe this lie, which ultimately steals the joy and beauty from God’s marvelous design of the sexual union between husband and wife. It robs her of the deep connection with her husband that she actually desires.

One of the biggest and most damaging lies a wife can believe is that sexual intimacy is primarily for her husband. Click To Tweet

The majority of women don’t have the same testosterone-laden sex drive as their husbands (though around 20% of wives have a higher drive than their husband). Many of these lower-drive wives think it’s no big deal to go without sex and can just dole it out as a wifely duty.

But it actually is a big deal.

Sex is the only form of intimacy that God strictly reserved to be shared between husbands and wives, which makes sex not only unique but also sacred. Sex is an essential part of the oneness between husband and wife.

In a Sexual Satisfaction Survey that I ran on my blog a few years back, I found that one in five marriages are essentially sexless (defined as having sex less than once a month). My findings are confirmed by a range of scientific studies over the past decade.

These are sad and tragic statistics that point to the damage being done in way too many marriages.

Sex Is for BOTH of You

Believing that sex is primarily for your husband will rob you of the sexual enjoyment and fulfillment that God intends for you. Additionally, a husband whose wife gives him only “duty sex” because she knows “he needs it” will rarely be sexually satisfied. Your husband longs for you to be fully engaged in the bedroom and likely has a strong desire to see you sexually fulfilled as well.

Sexual intimacy is an essential component of marital intimacy, which I define as “being fully known and completely loved.”  Because sex brings about the ultimate vulnerability in marriage, doing it only for your husband will cause you to miss out on the deep connection found in a mutually fulfilling sex life.

Keep in mind that sex is not primarily a physical act. It is deeply spiritual and builds a wide pathway to a strong emotional connection as well. Having regular, deeply satisfying sex strengthens your marriage, gives you a sense of well-being, and it can help you actually desire sex more.

Here’s the corresponding truth that you can use to defeat the lie that sex is only for your husband:  Even though you may have less physical drive than your husband, don’t allow yourself to miss out on the joy, pleasure and oneness that is rightfully yours.

Explore the other six lies that inhibit intimacy in marriage (and much more) in my book, The Path of Intimacy.

Path of Intimacy Book Cover

In The Path of Intimacy, Scott Means gives you a road map for your journey into deeper intimacy and greater passion in your marriage. Along with insight into God’s heart for marriage, he offers both invaluable wisdom and practical steps you can take immediately to get off The Path of Separation and to stay on the Path of Intimacy.

Buy the book: Amazon

Visit Scott’s website: Heaven Made Marriage

 

And for specific tips on how to make sexual intimacy more exciting for you, be sure to also check out my ebooks, currently on sale through Valentine’s Day!

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Click to Buy

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Husbands Want You To Know)

Scott & wife Jenni

Scott & wife Jenni

I have another favorite husband blogger today. (Have you noticed I have several favorites?) Scott Means of Journey to Surrender joins us today to talk about some of the faulty thinking we wives have regarding sex. I have been guilty of a few of these lies myself.

My sincere thanks to Scott for being a guest on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

First of all, thanks to J for inviting me to take part in the series giving the husband’s point of view on sex.

I often say about marriage (and about life) that what you believe is almost more important that what you do. Or put another way, right thinking leads to right doing. When you get your head screwed on straight, your actions will eventually follow.

This is more true of sex than any other area of marriage, because it’s the place we are most deceived, misinformed, and just plain messed up. It’s often said that the brain is the biggest sex organ we have, and I agree. So then, it’s hugely important that we get our minds to line up with the truth about sex.

Through my experience as a husband of 30+ years, a marriage blogger and writer, and marriage small group leader, I’ve got composed a short list of ten lies that wives seem to commonly believe about sex. I’ve coupled these with the corresponding truths that your husband would have you believe instead.

1.  The lie: I’d be a lot more willing to have sex if I could just lose a couple of pounds. Your husband’s truth: I love your body and am strongly attracted to you just like you are, imperfections and all. You would feel more beautiful if you would let me show you physically how I feel about you.

2.  The lie: If my husband really loved me, he would be satisfied with the way things are in bed. Your husband’s truth: I desire a more varied sexual repertoire because I want more of you, not because I want you to change. It’s all about experiencing deeper intimacy.

3.  The lie: For my husband sex is just about the physical release. I’m basically just scratching his itch.  Your husband’s truth: I want and need to be close to you. For me sex is a primary way to experience closeness.

4.  The lie: Sex is not big deal for me. I can take it or leave it. Your husband’s truth:  Sex IS a big deal. Yes, it’s important to me, but it’s also important for US. We can only reach the deepest level of intimacy in our marriage if our sex is healthy and vibrant.

5.  The lie: If I tell my husband what I want in bed, I’m being selfish. Your husband’s truth: It is as important to me to take care of your sexual needs as it is to see that my own are met. I want to be your hero in bed too.

6.  The lie: I’m just not a very sexual being. Your husband’s truth: God made us all sexual beings. Sure your sexuality and sexual needs are different than mine, but it’s important to me that you make effort to keep yourself sexually awake, in whatever form that takes for you.

7.  The lie: Wearing alluring or sexy lingerie for my husband makes me a sex object. He should like me in whatever I wear. Your husband’s truth: I’m wired to be very visually oriented. I like seeing you adorn that beautiful body of yours in ways that affirm my visual nature. It tells me that what I like matters to you.

8.  The lie: I want romance but all he wants is sex. Your husband’s truth: I don’t separate sex and romance the way you do. To me sex is a romantic act — not the only way to have romance, but definitely part of it for me.

9.  The lie: If I’m affectionate with him, it’s going to make him want sex, so it’s better for me to just keep my distance. Your husband’s truth: Yes, it’s true that kissing and touching and other displays of affection will make me want you more. However, given the choice of affection and no sex or no affection and no sex, I’ll pick the former.

10.  The lie: I don’t have the energy for a wild night, so it’s better just to skip it than risk disappointing my husband. Your husbands’ truth: We don’t need to swing from the chandeliers every time. Quickies can be great too. Wild sex is fun and exciting, but mild sex is better than no sex, as long as I know you are into it — and into me.

Scott Means blogs at Journey to Surrender, where he loves to speak about God’s heart for intimate and passionate marriages. He boldly explains why Christian couples have the inside track on great marriages. They know the One who designed it and have been given a perfect living example of the greatest marriage of all, the one between Christ and the church.