For the next several Mondays, I am tackling questions posed to me by readers in my Q&A for J at HHH post. Here’s a great one from CrawfordFam:
Hi J! I have been following your blog for roughly 6 months now and truly enjoy it! I have been wonderfully married for 6 months and our sex life is great and we are still learning 🙂 We recently had to move back in with my parents-the house we are moving into won’t be ready until August. My parents were more than okay with this, and my husband and I were as well. We get along great with them and it’s going to be a huge blessing! However, our bedroom is right above theirs. I would be more than happy to make love but my husband is more skeptical, which I totally understand! Any creative thoughts on how we can adjust? Of course, we will make most of every chance that we are alone 🙂 I am kinda afraid to google anything with “parents and sex” in the same sentence so when I read this blog, it was such a blessing!
First of all, thanks! Second, here’s a virtual hi-five (*smack*) for the wonderful sex life after only six months of marriage. Not everyone in marriage has a great sex life, so kudos to you both for your attitude of learning and the A+ you’re getting so far. Third, I Google “sex and _____” quite often for this blog, and I don’t recommend it. I’ve learned to get as specific as possible with my searches and I’m a quick-draw eye-averter, but indeed, you never know what will come up.
And now for your question!
You can easily get your parents to give you alone time by making a sign like the one below and hanging it on your door.
At least if your parents are anything like many of ours. I swear my mother and mother-in-law were talking at our wedding reception about how cute our babies would be. One second after I was declared Mrs. Spock, my belly was being eyed like grandkid factory equipment. And the woman who warned me against sex all those growing-up years was nearly throwing us in a room herself and telling us to get busy already. Sheesh!
But seriously, IT IS DIFFICULT to have sex with your husband when your parents, his parents, your children, your guests, or whoever are in the same house with you. Sex is supposed to be a private affair between two married people. No audience, thank you very much.
Even the mere notion that someone can hear you or knows what you’re up to can make it hard to relax and enjoy lovemaking with your spouse. So what’s a couple to do when the presence of others in the home cannot be avoided?
Avoid them. Yes, I know I just said that they cannot be avoided. However, when you can, try having sex when they aren’t there. Make the most of such opportunities. You might even suggest, “Hey, Mom and Dad, didn’t you two want to see that new movie?” “Don’t we need milk from the grocery store, and you could go together?” “How about you two take walk around the block . . . several times?”
Get creative with timing. Couples often think that the night is perfect for making love. But that’s often the time when you’re lying there wondering if the other residents are sleeping yet. You’re whispering to each other, “Do you think they’re still awake?” and “Maybe we should wait a few minutes to make sure.” So try different times when they are not likely to be in their room. Do they eat breakfast in the kitchen in the morning? Have a wake-me-up love session. Do they work in the yard on a Saturday afternoon? Try a little afternoon delight. Do they watch the evening news? Tell them you’re going to watch something in your room and then watch each other undress. If the best time is night, go right ahead. But you may need to work around your schedule a bit to figure out what the best times will be.
Cover the noise. Invest in a radio, a fan, or some other item that will create some background noise. Then you’ll be less worried about the sound factor when you’re gasping, moaning, or rocking their bed like an amusement park ride. Of course, you might want to vary what you play or do; otherwise, your mother will be in her room saying, “They’re playing that same song, Ed. They’re at it again.”
Spend a night away. If you can afford to get a hotel room once a month, do it. Take one night, stay at a place in town, and have a whole night with just the two of you. You should still engage in intimacy at the parents’ house, but this one night will be an opportunity to let go entirely and do whatever the two of you wish to do. Can’t afford a hotel? Get a tent (borrow one if you need to) and go camping for a night. You can probably find some beautiful locations in your neck of the woods. Do a little online research or ask around for recommendations of where to go. Make it a romantic night with a picnic, a quick tent-raising, and then some tent-ceiling raising with a night of ecstasy.
Change your location. You don’t even need a whole night away. Where can you go for an hour? How about having sex in your car? Or grabbing a blanket and a bottle of wine or sparkling cider and finding a private outdoor spot? Perhaps the bathroom in your house is more conducive to lovemaking? You might make some of your best newlywed memories by thinking outside the box and figuring out where else you can engage with one another sexually. I recently posted on Where to Have Sex.
Remember they’re rooting for you. Ask yourselves: What’s the worst thing that could happen? They’ll know you’re having married sex. If you love the people in your family, you want the best for them. Even if their own attitudes toward sex are less than perfect, most parents desire their grown children to experience healthy intimacy. Sure, I admit that I don’t want any details about my kids’ sex lives once they are grown and married. But I do want them to have good sex lives! And if I overhear a little “ooh baby” from their bedroom when they are with their spouse, I will make a beeline to the other end of the house . . . with a smile on my face. Your parents probably feel the same about you and your husband. To put it bluntly: Your father has put the shotgun away, and he knows that his son-in-law is doing his daughter.
Imagine them having sex. Hey, for all you know, they’re one floor up saying things like, “Do you think they’re asleep yet? I really want to make love tonight.” At least you hope they are! Don’t we want our parents to have the intimacy God designed for them? — even if we absolutely do not want to hear any of the details! My point is that you might be cramping their style a little too. Consider that your presence may impact their intimacy and then relax as you realize that you’re in the same boat.
The first few times will likely be uncomfortable, but you will both adjust if you make an effort. This is a good experience to work through because, even if you never live with your parents again, you will probably stay in the same house with other people at some point and want to be intimate with your spouse. It can be done.
Best wishes!
And now the rest of you can give your best advice below for how you manage being intimate while in your parents’ or in-laws’ house.
Been there, done that….literally, ‘he-urchin’ #1 was conceived during thanksgiving vaca at the parent’s house in my childhood bedroom. Everything you suggested is dead on, J! Adventurous spirit will be an asset for creative lovemaking sessions while living with the ‘rents. In addition to asking if they want to see a movie, hand them a gift card to the theatre (if it’s in the budget).
Thanks, Pearl! I like the idea of handing them the gift card. Whatever it takes, huh?
A few years ago my husband and I were in EXACTLY this situation. We slept in the office on the floor on an air mattress ( they have a small house and no guest bedroom) and sometimes on the floor in the livingroom. After reading this, I think my hubby and I were more daring than we should have been! We would just do it… quietly. Sometimes a little hand over mouth action was required, but we pulled it off. I’m sure there were times that they knew what we were doing… but we were ok with that. There was one time my mother in law went to the bathroom… my husband is pretty sure she had no clue, but I think she is smarter than he gives her credit for 😉 We also got creative with the tent in the back yard, and the car was revisited also 🙂 Unfortunately my husband and I engaged in premarital sex, so in some ways we were already pretty good and being sneaky (ie, car and tent). There was one time my husband surprised me in the bathroom, in the middle of the morning, and I’m pretty sure my in laws were eating breakfast in the dining room right outside the bathroom…. fun times. Hopefully we won’t ever have to do that again!!
Well, hubby and I are more daring too. However, I understand the hesitation some couples have. I do recall being very nervous the first time we had sex at my in-laws. I think it was the quickest quickie in history! Thanks, Heather.
We also live with my in-laws, who are godly generous people. BUT, it doesn’t make getting busy any easier. We also have two kids who like to wake up at THE MOST inopportune times. So, we’ve done a few things to help with this: we have a fan, a humidifier, and a ceiling fan all going so it helps with the noise factor (at least in my mind it does). We usually wait till they are gone (like Bible Study, meetings, etc.)or make love in the morning when we KNOW they are asleep. Also, they frequently go on vacation so we really take advantage of those times and sometimes that’s just what we need to make it through the next few months to their next vacation. Also, keep in mind their hearing is not the best (at least for my in-laws, anyway) so they may not be all that keen on what you and your hubby are doing anyway. Either way, I hope you find what works for you – there is nothing like uninhibited married love! Congratulations on your marriage and many blessings on you and you husband! 🙂
It sounds like you two are doing a great job of making it work! Kudos to you, and thanks for sharing what you do.
Hi,
Can I just say that I love this blog! My husband and I waited to have sex and were virgins on our wedding night, and God has blessed us immeasurably. We love having sex with each other. It is one of God’s most awesome gifts, and it’s frustrating how the world perverts it so much that even Christians can regard the whole thing as evil. Thank you for speaking openly and honestly about sex from a Christian perspective!
Anyway – back to the subject at hand: Intimacy while living with your parents. We haven’t experienced living with the parents, but from my short time of marriage, I highly recommend having sex in different locations. My husband and I like to switch it up even though we don’t have to. Also, having sex in the car can be really awesome. Especially if you guys are driving home, late at night, and you guys are particularly – ahem – excited, go to the most secluded place you can find, lean the seats all the way back and have fun. (obviously, you really need to make it is a secluded place)
Absolutely, you can say you love this blog. 🙂 That’s how you make my day!
Sex in the car is a great idea. Find a secluded place, get comfy (hoping you have a reasonably spacious vehicle), and go for it! Thanks, blusherart!
Well we lived with inlaws for a while. Our solution was to go down to the basement and do the horizontal mambo and they were never the wiser.
This could also include the garage
Basement and garage? Great ideas. I’m imagining the wife nonchantly saying to the husband, “Hey honey, could you come down here and look at something for me?” And then bam! He gets to look…and touch. Thanks, John.
LOL This hit home for me….literally. We’re in the process of buying a home, so we’re staying at my parent’s house. I lay there listening to see if they’re in bed yet. LOL
Goodness gracious, Stacy. Hope you two are doing well with it. You will really enjoy the new home, won’t you?
I’m there right now. My husband and I moved out to Colorado for his new job and it fell through and so we’ve been with the in-laws until we can find a place of our own.
Talk with your spouse explaining each other’s fears, insecurities, awkwardness and see if you two can brainstorm some ways to make it more comfortable. Communication is always key to a great sex life!
Also remember your in-laws probably enjoy “getting busy” from time to time themselves or they remember what it was like to be young and in love so if your sound carries a little, don’t panic. You are are married. Sex is expected and should be pleasurable so relax and enjoy the moment.
Hang in there!
Great advice, becominghiseve! Thanks.
As a parent of children who have had to move back home for brief periods of time- can I just say go for it. As long as you are behind closed doors, of course. We understand that sex is a big part of marriage and you shouldn’t abstain just because you are back home with your parents. We are certainly not abstaining because you are here 🙂
Bless you for saying this!!!
Excellent advice in the post and in the comments. It is important to remember marriage is our #1 priority relationship (aside from God) and choosing to keep it that way no matter our living situation gives glory to God. Following the advice here will help a great deal but also keep in mind our marriage is accountable to God more than any other relationship.
Megan
Thanks for the reminder about putting our marriage first. At some level, our parents will just have to understand that’s how it goes.
We’ve never had to live with either set of parents, but have visited both and enjoyed ourselves in both homes. It’s not such a big deal at my parents house as it’s all one level, so it’s just a matter of keeping voices down. At my in-laws, we’ve used the floor rather than the bed from time to time, as it cuts down on the “squeaky” factor.
Lol. 🙂 Great article. 🙂 We’ve been in a similar situation for close to six months. We are in a mission work in Alaska and unfortunately housing was scarce. Fortunately now we have our own place, but for a while it was interesting. 🙂 But creativity and a hand over the mouth do wonders. :)lol.
I can tell you as a parent of “kids” about that age that they are probably having the same discussions and feelings, especially if they’ve had the “run of the house” for a bit.
I really wouldn’t worry about it,especially if there are healthy relationships all around. I really hope.my kids will be blessed with a great sex life.
This post is totally brilliant! And your tips? Perfect for giving one more strategies to have that love -making moment without having to feel awkward when staying in your parents house.