We’re back to Monday — the day I have designated to answer readers’ questions. I intended to answer a different question (sorry if it was yours) until Gray left this comment on my Q&A for J at HHH post:
I came across this on twitter and is just in time! I am getting married in 12 days and me and my fiance are both virgins and have only “pop kissed.” I am really not nervous at all and am so excited for Gods gift of intimacy to us! I was just wondering if you could give me some tips or things I should know going into this so I can make it the best possible experience for my future wife and I. I am a blank slate 🙂 Thank you so much!
This one is time-sensitive! At this point, Gray is less than a week away from tying the knot. Congratulations to the groom and lovely bride.
So here are my tips for first-timers:
Lower your expectations. I kind of hate to start with that; however, I wrote a post about having High Standards and Low Expectations in marriage. Our standard is not just good marriages, but great marriages; not just good sex, but great sex. However, we don’t expect every single moment to give us the body shivers. Sometimes we put so much pressure on the wedding or the first time to set the stage for the whole marriage. The wedding and honeymoon are the kick-off (American football reference). It’s an important beginning, but there’s a whole game left to play.
So treat this moment for what it is: The beginning of physical intimacy with your wife. It may be amazing, or it may be the preview to amazing. Either way, enjoy it.
Talk to your bride about preconceptions. I had a Christian friend in college who told me that he didn’t want to consummate his marriage on the first night; rather, he wanted to hold his new bride all night long. My response was something like, “Pfft, you’re kidding! This poor girl been physically ready for the last 10 years, and you’re going to put her off another night? What are you?! A sadist??!” (I was expressive back then too.) Now he may have found his hold-me-all-night girl, but that is not at all what I wanted for my wedding night.
Have a quick chat with your bride about what you each want. You can chat ahead of time — though not in the same room (too tempting) — or wait until after the wedding but before the festivities. Does she want to don a pretty nightgown, order room service, and slow dance in the room before making love? Does he plan to walk through the hotel room door, strip down, and get busy? Both approaches are perfectly fine in marriage, but you can imagine how this is going to cause trouble if hubby and wife show up with different scripts for how this momentous night should go. Check for any mismatch in your expectations for the night and clear the air.
Go slow. No, slower. Take your time. This wedding night is your first chance to explore one another’s bodies, find out what feels good, and revel in the beauty and intimacy you will share this time and many others for years to come. Why rush?
Spend time with her whole body. Have you heard that song Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer? Whatever you think of that song, I love the way he describes lovemaking. The singer doesn’t focus on breasts, booty, etc., as many of today’s pop artists do. No, he talks about his lovely woman’s skin, lips, hair, and shape. He’s into all of her.
But thousands of years before Mayer penned his lyrics, the Lover in the Song of Songs described his Beloved’s “wonderland.” Three different times, the husband goes into detail about the beauty of his wife’s body, including this passage:
Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
Take time to find pleasure in all of your wife’s gorgeous form on this first night.
Plus, women take longer to become aroused than men. Most likely, as soon as your bride drops the nightgown, Groom Jr. will salute and be ready to charge. But he isn’t in charge; you are. So quiet him down and slow the pace so your wife can catch up. Expect to spend up to a half hour or more getting her ready for intercourse. Bluntly speaking, she needs to be dripping wet and her inner vaginal lips must be swollen to two times or more their normal size for penetration to feel comfortable. She will need foreplay — lots of it.
Try to make it last. Virgin men seem to me a lot like the soda bottle that has been shaken up for a long time. You have been aroused over and over without the opportunity to fully express that build-up. Now, here’s your chance! So what happens with a shaken-up Coke bottle when you remove the lid? Yep, that’s right. It bursts out, and a few seconds later the fizz is down and the hullabaloo is over. Now before you swear at me for insulting manhood: I love men. I love men so much that I compared your breed to Coca-Cola (which, if you knew my soda-consuming habits, you would recognize as a high compliment!). You see, I don’t think any Coca-Cola should go to waste.
Yet, the first time you might enter your wife and two seconds later, you’re done. Can that happen? It can. It does. You can try to hold off by coming close to ejaculation, pausing for a few minutes, and then resuming stimulation or thrusting. But if you “come” quickly, be assured that your ability to last will increase with age and sexual experience. Plus, your Coke bottle will fill back up and you can go at it again later in the night, in the morning, or on your honeymoon.
If early release continues to be an issue, One Flesh Marriage posted on premature ejaculation with tips for increasing how long a husband can last before climax. That excellent post is HERE.
Help a girl out after. It ain’t over until your bride says it’s over. Approach the before, during, and after as a we thing. When you’re done, you may still need to attend to the following.
- Does she want you to keep stimulating her? If so, continue to stroke her until she feels satisfied.
- Would she like you to hold her? This is a biggie for a lot of wives. For the act to have deeper meaning, a woman often wishes to be embraced afterward for a few seconds, a few minutes, or longer. This may also be a good time to talk, as many spouses become emotionally vulnerable after they have been physically vulnerable.
- Help her clean up, if she wants. Sex is messy. There are fluids. Get a washcloth or towel for herself or the bed. You could even plant it near the bed beforehand.
- Encourage your bride to empty her bladder. Her private areas are more susceptible to infection with sexual activity. Indeed, enough newlywed women have gotten urinary tract infections that it is sometimes referred to as “honeymoonitis.” Using the bathroom after sex can help a woman rid her body of bacteria that can cause infection.
- Reassure your bride of something great about the experience. In the Song of Songs, the lovers continue to talk after their encounter about how wonderful it was, how handsome or beautiful their spouse is, and how much they love one another. Take a tip from the Bible: Pay a genuine compliment.
Rinse and Repeat. Ha! Seriously, though, you get to do this over and over and over and over . . . Ain’t God generous? I love the findings that Sheila Wray Gregoire reported in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex that the best sex is had by couples who have been married for many years. With time, effort, and know-how, we get better at it.
After __ years of marriage, my hubby knows my body far better than he did in the first year or two. I also know what I can do to contribute to his pleasure and my own. We’ve explored and experimented, learned and laughed, grown and groaned. (I needed another g-word to keep up the alliteration.) We have a sex life that doesn’t include a few encounters, but thousands. That makes for a very special bond.
Have fun. Whenever I send my kids somewhere, I load them down with rules like be respectful, mind your manners, etc. and then add one last “rule”: Have fun.
That’s true for your wedding night and honeymoon as well. I didn’t include the anatomy lesson you might have expected because you two can figure that out as you go. Don’t overthink it. Don’t worry if the first time doesn’t cause the earth to open and the angels to sing above you. Of course, it may. But have fun. And keep having fun.
May you have many years of happiness, personal growth, and mind-blowing sex.
Note: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex would be a great read for your bride, and Sheila specifically addresses newlywed wives.
39 thoughts on “Wedding Night Sex”
So true. All of it. But if I may be so bold to just say one thing; “I am SO glad I am past the somewhat awkward “seeing you naked for the first time naked” honeymoon night and been married 15 years. Sigh….so much more fun and YES it only gets better people! Ha! 🙂 That’s where the blessing in STAYING married and committed to each other is. The healthy bedroom time. LOL!
I love your statement “it only gets better, people!” That’s (mostly) true — particularly if you make marital intimacy a priority. Thanks, Christy!
I would add to be careful about expecting too much from the honeymoon. My expectation was “I’ve waited, now I get to have sex every night”. It was a painful mistake, both because my body was not physically able to keep up with my emotions and then the toll that took on my emotions. It took us a couple of months to get past the physical pain of intercourse that came from being virgins, but it’s so worth it now. Just guard your expectations (both guys and girls)!
Thanks for that input, MrsV! For the wife, your body can be rather sore and tender in that area for a while. I think going slow, being gentle, and ensuring enough lubricant helps.
Things I wish I’d known as a guy on my wedding night who had been somewhat ‘active’ but had never had intercourse… Eight years later, we’re still learning about each other!
Thanks! I agree that you continue to learn and learn. (What a fun education!)
Great thoughts. Not to be redundant but here were our thoughts on newlywed sex.
Great, Megan! I appreciate the link.
May I ask a stupid question (and show my ignorance as a single 40-plus-year-old virgin who is clueless about this?) It’s one that’s been bugging me for quite a while:
Why is it that, for people who have no intention of ever getting married, seeing each other naked for the first time seems to be “Awesome–can’t wait!”, but for those who /have/ waited until marriage, it’s just awkward and embarrassing? Is it strictly the difference between the first being spontaneous and the second being fraught with long-awaited, unrealistic expectations?
There are no stupid questions, Greg. The reason I know half of what I know is because I ask a lot of questions!
For myself, I was both “Awesome–can’t wait!” and “awkward and embarrassing.” I was rather eager about his body and getting our bodies together, and less certain about showing mine off. My body is flawed, you see. I wanted to be “enough” for him, so I was nervous when I got all bare and vulnerable in that moment. I have discovered since that my female form in general and my eager participation in the bedroom absolutely trumps any minor physical flaws (oh, the tummy fat!) that I have.
I’m curious to know what others think.
J I love the eager participation in the bedroom line. Thats glorifying GOD in your body and what husband would not want an eager participant ( wife of course ) than duty or obligation sex. Absolutely love that line and pray for all Christian couples to have that same enthusiasm to worship GOD in our marriage beds. Love that line have I said that already. Lol
I was both excited and nervous about seeing my husband the first time. I had never seen a naked man and lets just say I was shocked and it kinda made me giggle. Shelia Gregoire’s book Good Girls Guide is the first sex book that I ever read that describes how a man looks in his full glory. Wish I had know that then.
I was also concerned about showing my husband my body. Never mind the fact that I had on lots of strange undergarment to push, tuck and flatten my body to look beautiful in my wedding dress. As he was helping me get undressed for the first time as husband and wife I made sure to tell him I didn’t always need that kind of upkeep.
Megan – Thanks for your input. Your comments get me thinking that a bride who has never seen a naked guy might be rather surprised by the, shall we say, variations in size that a guy can display. I swear the first time I saw that, it was like watching those sponge animals that grow in the water!
Also, I remember thinking something along the lines of “How’s THAT gonna fit in me?!” LOL.
I think that is a good question Greg. Actually I was in “can’t wait to be alone with you and see you naked” mode to “ACK, were gonna be alone all night and YOUR going to see me naked for the first time” all in the same night. It was just weird to go from one extreme to the other in a matter of a few hours and a wedding ceremony. God is good though and through commitment and practice we have gotten very comfortable with each other. 😉
I totally relate to your comment. I was shocked the first time I saw my husband without clothes!! I was a 24 year old virgin when we got married, and while I knew general shape and size to expect from science class, I was shocked at how uneducated and surprised I was by what I actually saw! Took about 15 seconds to get used to it and figure it all out though 😉
Such a great post Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous! Communication is definitely key… the more a couple can talk about sex and take the time to explore each other’s bodies, as well as embrace the FACT that God is delighted in their marital intimacy, the better the sex will be.
Too many couple’s allow stumbling blocks to be roadblocks sexually, when in reality the “learning about each other” journey is rich with so many opportunities to authentically KNOW each other.
Love the post!
Thanks, Julie! I totally agree that communication is KEY! It can feel awkward the first time to chat about sex, but a willingness to communicate can set the stage for great pleasure.
And all this “learning about each other” is the best class I ever enrolled in!
Great tips! I’d definitely make sure the groom has lubricant in his overnight bag, and take things slowly.
My husband got a bloody nose on our wedding night. I thought he was drooling on me, then discovered it was blood…I guess all the excitement was just a bit too much for him! 😉
Great idea with the lubricant!
Your bloody nose tale made me think how one of the fun things about the wedding night and/or honeymoon is that a couple might collect a few stories to look back on years later with a smile. Ours involves a garter, and that’s all I’m saying. 😉
Ha! Great story. My husband chipped his tooth our first time, lol. It took a little bit to get our rythym. Definitely makes the top ten list on how to chip a tooth, though!
Thank you so much for respondong to my post, Ms. J! I know it will really help me out 5 nights from now! I do have one question.. About the lubricant. What do I buy and does it tell me how to use it? Will just any brand or type be ok.. ?Thanks again to all the posters!
Lubricant: There are various brands. K-Y and Astroglide are two of the more common ones. They are usually stocked near the feminine products (oh joy, right?). Hold off on those that promise “warming” or “tingling” or whatever; some gals experience a stinging sensation with them and you don’t want to find that out on your wedding night. You can also use coconut oil (see this Married Spice post for more info: http://marriedspice.com/2011/07/25/spice-rack-essential-coconut-oil/). Several readers swear by it (and it’s edible, if you care about that). I have thus far been TOO LAZY myself to get around to buying it.
Also, here’s a tip on lubrication: A wife may be lubricated inside the vagina, but it isn’t reaching the vaginal lips. A husband can gently use his fingers to draw out any wetness from within and move it around onto her skin. Being stimulated manually and penetration feels much better with adequate lube.
Hey J, a little bit of info about lubricants, since I’ve seen you mention this more than once –
I don’t generally need lubricants, because my body is always* primed for sex and I have multiple orgasms every time. *However, there have been a couple of times that I DID need lubricant, not to mention that a few times when we first started having sex we thought it was something people were just supposed to do, and the most common brands hurt, burned, and ended up sticky and dry. I have since researched it and learned that the most common brands have ingredients in them that many people are allergic to, that often cause vaginal infections, and that can even cause cancer down the road. The best way to go is to get a paraben-free, glycerin-free lube. Also, the use of oils inside the vagina is also a bad idea, as that can cause vaginal infections as well. You have to be careful with the ph down there! 🙂
We were the opposite of the “he might be done in a minute” couples. It took HOURS the first time- seriously. And mostly because of him.
Oh, and pack food for that night or the following morning. I was sick the next morning, probably from a combination of exhaustion and lack of food.
Really? How interesting. Thanks for sharing the tips.
We were the same way… We actually didn’t “finish” that night because it was already really late (evening wedding) and I was exhausted and beginning to chafe. In fact, for the entire honeymoon a normal time was 45 minutes to well over an hour. Thank goodness for AstroGlide!!
Same for us Sea Monkey.. he didn’t finish after an hour and a half we gave up 🙁 a marathon on the most tiring day of my life was not what I had been expecting. He was embarrassed and went to bed facing away from me 🙁
Been married 25 years. Three kids are almost all out of the house. Sex is even better. Trust, knowing each other, and emotional intimacy makes trying to and exciting things so great!
For newlyweds, sometimes, it’s easier for the woman to try manual stimulation for the first time for her husband, to get that first time quick reaction over with. Chances are, he’ll be ready not long after for intercourse. A man can try manual stimulation for his wife, too. If she’s a virgin, she may not know what an orgasm is like, and manual stimulation can point her in the right direction.
I agree, MrsS, that the first orgasm is always easier with manual stimulation. Indeed, having hubby just explore with his fingers down there can clue a wife into where and how she enjoys being touched. Thanks!
Oh yeah, congrats on 25 years! 🙂
I think grinned would be a great third G work for your alliteration.
WONDERFUL advise!!! I am reposting this for our Song Of Solomon Wives, we have a few engaged girls there 🙂
Just a thought on the lube issue … I know for myself personally that I tend to get yeast infections very easily depending on the formulation of lubricants and even the kissable oils etc. Be careful and read labels … I have two that I can use without any worries … one is made my KY and it’s called Sensitive and it’s a jelly so a little goes a long way and it’s not sticky, or tacky and tasteless … the other is made by an organic company that I found on Adam & Eve.com … all natural and no sugars, fructoses etc that can cause yeast infections … most of all relax and enjoy what God has given you two to enjoy 🙂
I’d like add, to both of you, don’t be afraid to giggle a bit, and don’t be offended if your new spouse gets the giggles. The sooner you learn to laugh together, about any and everything, the healthier your life together will be.
Great tips and I love your sense of humor! I’m surprised you didn’t mention that it might be uncomfortable for her the first time.
I remember very vividly being terrified at what in the world was going on down there?! Wish someone with some experience had warned me that would be perfectly normal.
Yes, I was in a lot of pain the first several times we had sex. I remember crying when we were having sex because it hurt so badly, and he would be extremely concerned and want to stop, but I told him, “NO!! you have to keep going so my hymen will break completely and it will stop hurting!” haha. I had a physical scheduled soon after we started having sex (….yes, before marriage), and my doctor told me that sometimes it has to be hit from multiple directions, so I knew that it would eventually get better. And it did! “No pain, no gain” – what we have now was totally worth fighting through the pain I had when we started out.
I also was clueless the first time we had sex….I didn’t know what I expected to happen, but that wasn’t it!
nice post. thanks for sharing this post. carry on please…
I know I am totally WAY late to this party, but I’m getting married in a few months and have been reading your blog like crazy J 🙂
Although I’m not proud of it, I have seen multiple guys naked in the past, including my fiance. It wasn’t awkward whatsoever.
I’ve heard my friends say things about how their wedding night was awkward coming out of the bathroom to see their new husband naked, etc.
I think for myself, being seen naked wasn’t awkward because it was a natural thing. You start making out, you get aroused, pieces of clothing start coming off, etc. At the end of the day, I know my fiance loves me and I know he loves my body even more than I do -there’s nothing awkward in that. I can rest in knowing that he doesn’t see me as flawed, but beautiful.
Please don’t think that I’m saying seeing each other naked before marriage is ok, but just that I have absolutely no fears about THAT being awkward on our wedding night. Based on what my friends have told me and my own experience with this, although I could be totally wrong, it’s my opinion that if it’s super awkward, that must come from some sort of combo of insecurity, lack of communication prior, or perhaps just way built up expectations.
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