We’re back to Monday — the day I have designated to answer readers’ questions. I intended to answer a different question (sorry if it was yours) until Gray left this comment on my Q&A for J at HHH post:
I came across this on twitter and is just in time! I am getting married in 12 days and me and my fiance are both virgins and have only “pop kissed.” I am really not nervous at all and am so excited for Gods gift of intimacy to us! I was just wondering if you could give me some tips or things I should know going into this so I can make it the best possible experience for my future wife and I. I am a blank slate 🙂 Thank you so much!
This one is time-sensitive! At this point, Gray is less than a week away from tying the knot. Congratulations to the groom and lovely bride.
So here are my tips for first-timers:
Lower your expectations. I kind of hate to start with that; however, I wrote a post about having High Standards and Low Expectations in marriage. Our standard is not just good marriages, but great marriages; not just good sex, but great sex. However, we don’t expect every single moment to give us the body shivers. Sometimes we put so much pressure on the wedding or the first time to set the stage for the whole marriage. The wedding and honeymoon are the kick-off (American football reference). It’s an important beginning, but there’s a whole game left to play.
So treat this moment for what it is: The beginning of physical intimacy with your wife. It may be amazing, or it may be the preview to amazing. Either way, enjoy it.
Talk to your bride about preconceptions. I had a Christian friend in college who told me that he didn’t want to consummate his marriage on the first night; rather, he wanted to hold his new bride all night long. My response was something like, “Pfft, you’re kidding! This poor girl been physically ready for the last 10 years, and you’re going to put her off another night? What are you?! A sadist??!” (I was expressive back then too.) Now he may have found his hold-me-all-night girl, but that is not at all what I wanted for my wedding night.
Have a quick chat with your bride about what you each want. You can chat ahead of time — though not in the same room (too tempting) — or wait until after the wedding but before the festivities. Does she want to don a pretty nightgown, order room service, and slow dance in the room before making love? Does he plan to walk through the hotel room door, strip down, and get busy? Both approaches are perfectly fine in marriage, but you can imagine how this is going to cause trouble if hubby and wife show up with different scripts for how this momentous night should go. Check for any mismatch in your expectations for the night and clear the air.
Go slow. No, slower. Take your time. This wedding night is your first chance to explore one another’s bodies, find out what feels good, and revel in the beauty and intimacy you will share this time and many others for years to come. Why rush?
Spend time with her whole body. Have you heard that song Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer? Whatever you think of that song, I love the way he describes lovemaking. The singer doesn’t focus on breasts, booty, etc., as many of today’s pop artists do. No, he talks about his lovely woman’s skin, lips, hair, and shape. He’s into all of her.
But thousands of years before Mayer penned his lyrics, the Lover in the Song of Songs described his Beloved’s “wonderland.” Three different times, the husband goes into detail about the beauty of his wife’s body, including this passage:
Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
Take time to find pleasure in all of your wife’s gorgeous form on this first night.
Plus, women take longer to become aroused than men. Most likely, as soon as your bride drops the nightgown, Groom Jr. will salute and be ready to charge. But he isn’t in charge; you are. So quiet him down and slow the pace so your wife can catch up. Expect to spend up to a half hour or more getting her ready for intercourse. Bluntly speaking, she needs to be dripping wet and her inner vaginal lips must be swollen to two times or more their normal size for penetration to feel comfortable. She will need foreplay — lots of it.
Try to make it last. Virgin men seem to me a lot like the soda bottle that has been shaken up for a long time. You have been aroused over and over without the opportunity to fully express that build-up. Now, here’s your chance! So what happens with a shaken-up Coke bottle when you remove the lid? Yep, that’s right. It bursts out, and a few seconds later the fizz is down and the hullabaloo is over. Now before you swear at me for insulting manhood: I love men. I love men so much that I compared your breed to Coca-Cola (which, if you knew my soda-consuming habits, you would recognize as a high compliment!). You see, I don’t think any Coca-Cola should go to waste.
Yet, the first time you might enter your wife and two seconds later, you’re done. Can that happen? It can. It does. You can try to hold off by coming close to ejaculation, pausing for a few minutes, and then resuming stimulation or thrusting. But if you “come” quickly, be assured that your ability to last will increase with age and sexual experience. Plus, your Coke bottle will fill back up and you can go at it again later in the night, in the morning, or on your honeymoon.
Help a girl out after. It ain’t over until your bride says it’s over. Approach the before, during, and after as a we thing. When you’re done, you may still need to attend to the following.
- Does she want you to keep stimulating her? If so, continue to stroke her until she feels satisfied.
- Would she like you to hold her? This is a biggie for a lot of wives. For the act to have deeper meaning, a woman often wishes to be embraced afterward for a few seconds, a few minutes, or longer. This may also be a good time to talk, as many spouses become emotionally vulnerable after they have been physically vulnerable.
- Help her clean up, if she wants. Sex is messy. There are fluids. Get a washcloth or towel for herself or the bed. You could even plant it near the bed beforehand.
- Encourage your bride to empty her bladder. Her private areas are more susceptible to infection with sexual activity. Indeed, enough newlywed women have gotten urinary tract infections that it is sometimes referred to as “honeymoonitis.” Using the bathroom after sex can help a woman rid her body of bacteria that can cause infection.
- Reassure your bride of something great about the experience. In the Song of Songs, the lovers continue to talk after their encounter about how wonderful it was, how handsome or beautiful their spouse is, and how much they love one another. Take a tip from the Bible: Pay a genuine compliment.
Rinse and Repeat. Ha! Seriously, though, you get to do this over and over and over and over . . . Ain’t God generous? I love the findings that Sheila Wray Gregoire reported in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex that the best sex is had by couples who have been married for many years. With time, effort, and know-how, we get better at it.
After __ years of marriage, my hubby knows my body far better than he did in the first year or two. I also know what I can do to contribute to his pleasure and my own. We’ve explored and experimented, learned and laughed, grown and groaned. (I needed another g-word to keep up the alliteration.) We have a sex life that doesn’t include a few encounters, but thousands. That makes for a very special bond.
Have fun. Whenever I send my kids somewhere, I load them down with rules like be respectful, mind your manners, etc. and then add one last “rule”: Have fun.
That’s true for your wedding night and honeymoon as well. I didn’t include the anatomy lesson you might have expected because you two can figure that out as you go. Don’t overthink it. Don’t worry if the first time doesn’t cause the earth to open and the angels to sing above you. Of course, it may. But have fun. And keep having fun.
May you have many years of happiness, personal growth, and mind-blowing sex.
Note: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex would be a great read for your bride, and Sheila specifically addresses newlywed wives.