The London 2012 Olympics has arrived! I don’t know what your favorite summer Olympic sport is, but I always find myself watching gymnastics at some point. So I looked up the USA team gold medalist hopefuls and found this video about Jordyn Wieber:
http://youtu.be/0bJ7tYTB4-Y
Now you might wonder how I can possibly draw lessons for marriage and sexuality from the story of a 17-year-old Olympian. Well, here I go.
Because I think we are involved in our own event of Sexual Olympics in marriage. We need the same attitudes that Olympians possess to nurture sexual intimacy.
All too often, what gets portrayed in movies, TV shows, and books is that the best sexual experience is among the first. We tend to believe that the first interaction of passion or the honeymoon are the best sexual experiences a couple will have. Not so, bloke. Couples tend to experience the best sex years into their marriage.The video of Jordyn showed her doing gymnastics as a child and, while she was good back then, she has grown into an athlete worthy of accolades and applause through several key factors. Let’s take them in turn.
Desire. Olympic athletes want to be involved in their sport and achieve. Sexual Olympians in marriage also have a strong desire to be the best they can be. I’m not talking about desire in terms of libido here. You can have a low sex drive but still have a desire for quality marital intimacy. If you truly want it and see the importance of having it, you can build on that; you can develop a healthy libido and sex life in marriage. Having quality sexual intimacy starts with a strong desire to attain what God desires you to have in your marriage.
Focus. It’s called “intensity” in the video above. Essentially, this is the quality of blocking out other distractions and giving marital intimacy your full attention. This is a huge challenge with the demands on our time from job, household, friends, children, other family, and more. However, when you begin intimacy with your husband, your focus needs to turn to him. The other things can wait. Indeed, a strong focus on the sensations and pleasure of sexual intimacy can help wives achieve orgasm more easily and frequently.
Training. Olympians have coaches; couples can get coaching too. There are more resources now than ever to help you know what you’re doing in the bedroom. Pick up a book on Christian sexuality or follow some blogs with tips (I’ve given tips on orgasms, oral sex, and more myself). Ask a more experienced woman in church if you can. And most importantly, let your spouse train you as to what is most effective to turn him on and make him feel desired and close to you.
Practice. Ah, now the fun part! If you want to have quality sex, you need some quantity sex. Olympians don’t just practice every other week. They hit the gym daily, for hours on end. Now I’m not suggesting that you have sex every day for hours (although…). Rather, I’m saying that having lots of sex gives you practice and the opportunity to try new things, tweak your approach, hone your skills, and become a better lover for your spouse. And my, oh my, I’d rather practice mounting my hubby than dismounting a set of parallel bars any day. I’m just sayin’.
Performance. Thank goodness there are no judges in the bedroom! “8.3 with points off for a shaky landing.” And no announcers! “She simply couldn’t recover from that foible in the middle of her routine.” But hey, when you know you’ve put on your best performance — whether for the Olympics or your hubby in the bedroom — there is some part of you that beams with pride. “Oh yeah, that was me who made him sweat and pant with pleasure.” You want to stand tall and accept your gold medal because you are that good.
Balance. The mom in the video about Jordyn Wieber mentioned that she had to insist on balance for her daughter. I believe in this too. Getting the gold in your marriage isn’t merely about sexual Olympics. Aim for balance by attending to other areas of intimacy — emotional, spiritual, recreational, etc. In fact, your intimacy in the bedroom will be nurtured by focusing on other parts of your marriage too. The better the relationship, the better the sex; the better the sex, the better the relationship; the better . . . It’s a loop. Work on your friendship with your spouse, as well as your sexual intimacy . . . and both will improve.
Now what is your favorite Olympic sport? And what lessons for marriage can you draw from watching the Olympics?
“All too often, what gets portrayed in movies, TV shows, and books is that the best sexual experience is among the first. We tend to believe that the first interaction of passion or the honeymoon are the best sexual experiences a couple will have. Not so, bloke. Couples tend to experience the best sex years into their marriage.”
May I ask an ignorant question? In what way(s) does sexual intimacy truly get better in marriage after the newness and excitement wear off? I can understand initial awkwardness taking time to work through, but it would seem that it could be a case of the old adage “familiarity breeding contempt”?
Not ignorant because I thought the same thing before marriage (and for the first few years). I figured it would get “old hat” after a while. God is awesome, though, because it doesn’t.
How? I need to think on this more, but my initial response is that: (1) your bodies change–not just in how they look but in how they respond; (2) you become less inhibited the closer you feel to this person and the more you have shared with them; (3) you just get better at it because even studies have shown that it takes 10,000 hours or 10 years to become really good at something (like violin playing or ping-pong–from THE TALENT CODE); (4) God simply planted a strong desire in us to engage in that way. I don’t get tired of roller coasters or Coca-Cola. I love them just as much now as when I had my first one as a kid. Same thing, I guess.
Maybe I need to ask some older couples about this a little more and come back with a full post. Hmmm…
I can say that after 14 of marriage sex just gets better and better! J mentioned a lot of good reasons above, but another reason is just HOW WELL you get to know each other’s bodies. Sometimes just a certain look or word can nearly send me over the edge with anticipation! My husband knows how to push ALL my buttons. 😉
We’ve been married 21 years and 5 children later … and it never gets old, boring, or dull. When I do feel that way — he never does, he’s content with same old same old not me I’m more adventerous I guess … I suggest something, change something or more recently just straight up told him what I needed him to do more and less of in a certain area and wow the difference a little direction can provide 😉 I just told him last night — WOW that NEVER gets old 🙂 lol … thankfully … God is good and and to me communication is KEY … talk talk talk … or show him/her what you want or need … they can’t read your minds 🙂
After 21 years of marriage and 5 children, it NEVER gets old for us or boring or stale. I’m the one that takes the lead most times since I am having some health issues and he’s never sure if he should approach or not … which is quite helpful … I just told him last night … WOW that never gets old does it? lol 🙂 The one key for us is communication — talk talk talk and if that doesn’t work show him/her what you want or sometimes don’t want … I recently did this in an aspect of something he wasn’t doing “enough” of and what a change that little suggestion has made for me and him as well … he loves when he knows, sees and feels just how much he turns me on and gets me going. They can’t read our minds … so tell them or if that embarrasses you then SHOW them 🙂 It’s always worth the effort in the end!
Hi, I’m a first time reader here but I do believe that I will be returning. If you can make me giggle about a part of life that continues to be emotionally painful for me then I do believe I can gather some intel. 🙂
I am a woman that suffered through sexual violence several times in my life so that’s what I mean in reference to emotional pain in this area. Although God has done much healing in my life already, and continues to do so even now, I still struggle to see this part of marriage as good.
Thanks, Ponder Woman! Clearly, you have extreme challenges with sexual violence in your history. That should have never happened to you, and it saddens me that it did. I pray that God will continue to heal you and show you what His gift is supposed to look like. Blessings.
Thanks J! It never should have happened but a lot of things that happen in the world should never happen, one would think, yet they do. I can’t be a victim because it will ruin my life. I look to God and people who will help me walk through the hurt that those experiences brought to my life.
What a funny (and good) parallel you’ve drawn. My husband and I are trying to foster a much needed recovery of our sex life (we have been blessed with seven great kids and sex took a back seat for SO long because we were–are– exhausted and pressed for time). It DOES take discipline and commitment. It’s crazy that something so enjoyable takes work, but for us it really does.
Thanks! I agree that discipline and commitment are required for marital intimacy, and really other parts of marriage too. But even Little Leaguers realize the game is more fun when you’re winning, so the dedication is worth it. 😉
I think that balance is critical to intimacy in marriage, and to health and happiness in all areas of life. I have been working on choosing a few things that are important to me and my family and focusing on those things, rather than spreading myself thin across a number of things/activities. The later can really damage intimacy, because it leaves you feeling tired and drained much of the time.
Gaye
http://www.calmhealthysexy.com
One of the biggest challenges of our time is…our time. We are often pulled in so many directions, and it can be difficult to prioritize our relationships. Great point, Gaye.
is there EVERYTHING with you and this blog about SEX?
Really? sexual olympics?
What about other kind of olympics – that Paul speaks about? Are you an olympics in faith, love, christian character, relationships, kindness, witnessing etc?
???
I would say YOU NEED BALANCE in your life and on this blog. SEX sex sex sex is more than boring and stupid to repeat all over again and again for years and with slightly different variations of ideas, tips and advices.
Haven’t you had enough of this?
“is there EVERYTHING with you and this blog about SEX?” Mostly, yes. Because that is my specific area of ministry…helping married couples attain and maintain godly sexuality, which is ONE part of the marriage whole. Other voices speak to financial advice for couples, communication skills, deepening of the spiritual relationship between spouses, and much more. I have personally gained a lot from listening to other wise Christians in these areas.
And I strongly believe that maturing as a Christian fosters good relationships in and outside marriage. Indeed, I have discussed how becoming more servant-minded and believing wholeheartedly in the Gospel of Christ fosters a marriage and demonstrates to the world the relationship of Christ and His church.
Hebrews 12:1-2: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Unfortunately, some of the sin that easily entangles is in the sexual realm. Satan is hard at work here. I, along with several others, want to reclaim sexual intimacy for God and make it what He designed to be–one of many blessings within the covenant of marriage.
“
The Church has really fallen short in promoting healthy, Biblical sexuality in marriage. Any blog, book or other resource that points married couples toward God’s plan for sex in their marriage is a valuable resource that should be praised, not criticized. The world is constantly bombarding us with unhealthy influences related to sexuality; it’s hard to imagine that we could get too much of a Christian influence on this important topic.
Gaye
http://www.calmhealthysexy.com
I agree with J. The name of the blog alone should indicate the contents. Sex is a much negelcted area in the church (mostly because of the private nature of the subject, imo.), and many people come here to get godly counsel and ideas. Christian blogs such as these offer a “safe place” to strengthen our marriage in its most vulnerable area.
J- I just recently found your blog and I appreciate it so much!! I’m working on enjoying intimacy again after not so much for a little over 2 year (most of that time was due to having babies). I find it really helpful to have someone who isn’t afraid of being blunt when addressing this topic. Keep doing what God has called you to do!
Thanks, Leah! I wrote a post some time ago called “When My Sex Life Sucked,” and that time would be when I was having babies! It’s just so hard to have your body do dual duty as baby’s mama and “hot mama.” There are certainly things I could have done then, though (which I outline in the post). Glad to know you’re getting your mojo back!
Out of all due respect to the anonymous comment. Sex over and over and over again is NEVER stupid or boring. For one thing there is an endless list of things in regards to sex that people need to know about or need help with. And really it’s not necessarily about the “sex” part so much as it all comes down to intimacy in our marriages which if you ask the average Christian couple is greatly lacking. With that said when our sex lives suck so does everything else. You can be in denial about that if you want but take it from me; it will just end badly for you. And to top it off it will just take you that much longer to realize it’s true and hop in the sack with your spouse and get going! Marriages are so broken in our church’s that we need blogs like this. There are plenty of sugary what you want to hear blogs out there about marriage and the faith. So this one you don’t have to read. But for those of us who want marriages on fire spiritually and physically we log in regularly to get that encouragement.
J-Please don’t delete this comment thinking I am attacking him/her. I’m not at all. Just tired of the “pussy footing” around what a healthy marriage should look like. We got the worst marriage counseling EVER from our pastor who never even addressed the marriage bed. Sigh…..it took us lots of years to figure it all out and feel good about it. Tck! Tck!
Man, then you people really have issues if you find that so interesting and needed.
All you bloggers about sex claim that church doesn’t provide a healthy sexuality – I mean, does the church learn and teach people how to live life? If you are mature as a christian, you apply maturity to all aspects of life, including sexual relations. If you read some medical information also and some pshychology, you have information ob theology, spirituality, biology, physiology etc.
People, do you really need to read here about how to penetrate, how to stimulate, how to kiss or lick or whatever, how to masturbate????
I could hardly name these blogs doing “”marriage ministry concerning sex””. All they do is speakk endellesly about sex and different topics with some basic common sense ideas – practices are not allowed if not approved by both or harmful, pornography is not allowed etc. Besides these 9which are stated in the Bible and of common sense, there is not much all “”wisdom”” around….
You don’t provide a biblical theology of marriage and sexuality. You just speak of low sex drive, anatomy of genitals, blow job etc…
Consider it boring and unnecessary for people who don’t have issues in bed!
The Church is not called responsible to teach you to live life – to procreate, to raise children, to cook etc – but to proclaim the Word and nurture growth in godliness. I warn you – anything that is THAT intense or focused gets a different path that God intended – easily an idol or preocupation out of balance.
Regards
There’s a lot I could say in response to your last comment. In particular, I don’t appreciate the derogatory comment that readers of this blog “really have issues.” Last time I checked, we all have issues, and I thank God that His grace covers us.
I simply suggest you go elsewhere; this blog obviously isn’t a match for you. Meanwhile, I will stand before God and be accountable to our Heavenly Father and Judge for my actions.
My thanks to readers for defending HHH, but I don’t feel the need to answer further. Blessings!
One of the biggest sin issues of our time is immorality, and if you look at the book of Revelation, it will only grow exponentially worse. Too many churches have completely ignored that, refusing to deal with the sin and deceit that believers and non-believers alike have accepted and are so deeply entrenched in. I am personally very thankful for J–and all–Christian bloggers who are breaking that silence and speaking the truth where it has been disastrously neglected. That requires both a frankness and appropriateness to do, and to date I have seen no evidence of prurient discussion or failing to uphold biblical truth.
Sexuality, as God designed it to be, is a wonderful, beautiful gift worth waiting for, and is to be reveled in within the marriage bed–and that’s a command; not an option (1 Corinthians 7:5). J speaks to this frequently, because numerous Christian couples have *no* sexual intimacy within their marriage, let alone know or understand the beauty and blessing of what God created it to be.
Thanks, Greg! I appreciate the support for this blog and for marriages. I think I’ll move on to other topics now. I haven’t run out of things to talk about yet! LOL.
True, we all have issues with sin. Some others have issues concerning penetrating, stimulating or simply having sex in marriage. That is different kind of issues.
I am so tired of hearing the same … about how wonderful gift is sex, worth to wait for – you don’t wait in purity because how wonderful sex is inm marriage but because God commands us to do so out of ….something else.
I am so tired of hearing same same same …I could give other reasons in response your blog and commenters but I will keep silent. Funny, yes wwe all are accountable to God, and strangely so easily ofended or contrary to rebukes.
Regards.
Anon,
I’m not “so easily offended or contrary to rebukes.” In fact, I am not adverse to correction based on specifics and scripture, but your assessment of me was not based in fact and was personally accusatory. More importantly, you insulted my readers. So I don’t see the benefit of continuing this conversation.
I suspect we agree on the majors within Christianity — God’s love, Jesus’ atoning sacrifice, our need for faith and grace, and the Holy Spirit’s leading. My best wishes to you.
Dear J,
I have been reading this blog for more than a year now. And have learned one great lesson more than 10 years ago. If you are doing something that is good for your Father you are going to get attack. The more closer you are getting to the TRUTH, the more the enemy will attack you.
May our Father bless you and your husband and keep writing your blog, with much wisdom, power, love and grace.
From a husband of 21 years, a father of 6 children and a priest for his whole family.
Stay in the Blessing
Christian bloggers, like J here at HHH, need to step up and talk about sex in a holy, pure, intimate way that God created it. Simply because we are bombarded with impure, adulterated, premarital, unholy, degrading forms of sex at every angle IfI life from movies, tv, music, websites, phone calls, sexting to watching people out in public not care. So YES we need a Christian view to keep us grounded. No not every blog pertains to every reader but I that blog helps one marriage then its purpose is served.
Thanks for the excellent post, Coach! Keep those great instructional and inspirational posts coming!
Thanks, restoredmarriage! (Love that name. So glad to know that others have been restored.)
I WISH I could remember where I read it, but alas… I cannot… Recently I read someone’s blog that described sex in marriage in the MOST BEAUTIFUL way I’ve ever seen it written!
They described it as learning to play an instrument, like a guitar or violin. In the beginning, your efforts are very rough and produce mostly unintelligible noise. But as time goes on, simple songs begin to appear, the playing gets smoother, and eventually (with LOTS of practice) one can pick up that instrument and make awesome, beautiful music with it.
I’ve been playing guitar for nearly 35 years now… and I can safely report that this has been my experience with it. AND… on August 28th, I will celebrate my 25th anniversary with my beautiful bride… and the music we make today is WAAAAAY better than the music we made together in the early days.
Keep up the great work, and the GREAT blog, J! We appreciate you!
In Christ,
~Jason
Married to the Most Beautiful Woman in the world!
http://songsix3.org/the-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world/
By the way, my comment was mainly addressed to the Anonymous person who was wondering why you talked about sex on your blog all the time… I just realized that I neglected to say that. Sorry for the confusion!
~Jason
I just saw this–sadly, there is a very real and sobering “sexual olympics” that gets worse every four years:
http://www.citizenlink.com/2012/08/14/olympic-village-life-sex-behind-the-scenes/
I love that you write these posts. They are always super encouraging! Yet there are times in my marriage when I am wondering where on earth do I go next? I’ve been striving to honor the Lord, serve my husband, bless him, praise him, etc. Yet it seems like since the beginning of our marriage it has been terrible. When he makes a point to let me know that anything we ever do together is up to me to initiate, that he’d rather sit and play computer games all night than talk or do anything together. I feel used for sex, although that is not his intention. My spirit is broken and I feel so alone in this marriage most of the time. What do you do when the marriage is a *believing* marriage. Aka my husband is a godly man, but he truly doesn’t understand or try to understand what going the extra mile in affection, touches, kind words, etc, does for a wife? I feel like withdrawing, but I know that is not what I am called to do. I just feel so unloved, even though I know he’d never leave me. Does that make sense? What practical guidance do you have on this, when my attempts to speak with him or just care silently for him go unnoticed or denied? I am seeking to fill that void with the Lord, yet I feel like I don’t fully understand it because I desire the love from my husband shown more than in his attendance of work.