So what’s the most embarrassing moment you’ve had during a sexual encounter with your spouse? Here are a few that many married couples will experience at one time or another.
The clothes won’t come off. Did anyone else watch “Happy Days”? I remember Richie Cunningham being worried about how to unhook a bra. (Thankfully, it was a family comedy, and to my knowledge he was too good a guy to actually do that.) But as his best friend “Potsie” proclaimed, “You don’t just say ‘open sesame,’ and it unhooks!”
It can be awkward trying to remove clothing: He goes for the bra hook in the back, and it’s actually in the front. His boxers gets stuck in the zipper, and you can’t get the pants off. He pulls your shirt over your head, and your earring catches (“Ow! Stop!”). In the passionate rush to get naked, the last thing you expect is a wardrobe malfunction. It’s like driving down the highway at 65 mph and suddenly hitting a parking-lot-style traffic jam.
Just pause and deal with the issue at hand. No one has ever been entirely unable to remove clothing and had to walk around with his boxers stuck in his pants zipper for days. You’ll get it worked out, and then the fun can continue.
You wore those panties today. You know the ones. That pair of underwear that sits in the back of your undies drawer and comes out only on days when you’re feeling crampy or forgot to do laundry . . . or you just felt like being lazy and super-comfortable. Suddenly, he proposes a little recreational activity, and you’re game. Why not? Until . . .
Oh no! You realize a little too late that you’re wearing those panties — the ones that remind him of his frumpy and grumpy grandmother with that one blackened tooth. Hardly the image you want him to have for your lovemaking moment.
You can ignore it and see if he even notices (He might not if he’s focused on getting those panties off you). You can brush it off with a joke: “Hey, you said I looked sexy in anything I wore. Just testing that theory.” Or you can excuse yourself briefly before he catches sight of the granny panties: “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.” Then you can return and let him discover you not wearing undies (always a hit).
Fumbling, stumbling, and tumbling. I’m putting all of these in one category, because it’s essentially about physical awkwardness and possible injury as a result. Examples? He lies on top to kiss you and yanks your hair. You trip on your way to the bed. You reach over to stroke him . . . and rack his balls. He starts to thrust and your head begins to whack the headboard. You fall off the bed.
When you imagine the perfect sex, just remember that movie sex is choreographed. Real sex is two independent people joining their bodies together in intimacy and pleasure. Sometimes it looks like a contest-winning ballroom dance . . . and sometimes it looks like your first attempt to do the Macarena (“Where do my hands go?”).
If you injure your partner, apologize, readjust, and move on. Be willing to laugh at the ridiculousness of the moment, because this is just one more memory that the two of you alone will share and smile about later. And ladies, be gentle with his testicles. From what I can tell, it’s like being shocked in the nether regions when a husband gets racked during sex.
Gaseous moments. Has one of you ever farted in your bed? No? (Oh, that was from the couple married just one week. Just wait, newlyweds, it will eventually happen.)
“Hey, I think I’ll eat a pot of beans and fart right as we’re beginning sex tonight!” said no one ever. If your beloved farts before, during, or after a sexual encounter, it wasn’t intentional. They couldn’t help it. Your response may depend on whether it’s a flatulence noise, sound + stink, or what my husband calls an SBD (silent but deadly). But whether you stay put or create a little distance until things settle down, try not to act like it’s a huge deal or like your husband just couldn’t wait to drop that bomb in the bedroom. And if you did the farting, smile and say “oops,” then move on. Of course, you could also do what I’ve done: Blame the cat.
Another gas-related moment is the queef. What is a “queef”? A queef is a vaginal fart. It’s not uncommon for sexual thrusting to plug up some air into the vaginal passage that then gets released in a farting noise . . . right from the ol’ hooha.
When this happens, what’s a proper lady to say? (Really. I have no idea what a proper lady would say.)
Most men are aware that this happens, and that it isn’t the same as a stink-bomb from the other place. It can be a tiny sound or a rather big one, but either way it’s your body’s natural way of expelling extra air. It shouldn’t change anything you do sexually. Just think of it like sound effects. Laugh a little and keep going.
Somebody walks in. That “somebody” can be your child, your house guest, your parent, your in-law — anyone who’s in the same location with you and can work a door knob. It’s likely the most embarrassing moment of all, because it’s no longer just between you and the hubster. Your private moment has been invaded! (Let’s hope they at least didn’t see those panties.)
How does this happen when you’re very careful? I’ve heard of couples who locked the door, but the door didn’t shut all the way, so it didn’t take. Others are in locations where locking the door isn’t an option. Perhaps they were supposed to be alone all night, but their kid unexpectedly stopped by to grab something he forgot. Maybe the in-laws came for a surprise visit. (“Surprise!…Oh. My.”). Also, I have one child who could pick a basic lock at age three. You never know what could happen.
If it’s a young child and you can gloss over the moment easily, go ahead. They do not need to be privy to your sexual life. They will eventually figure out that Mom and Dad play a different version of Twister, but they don’t need the details . . . especially at a young age.
If the young child sees quite a bit, you may need to explain in simple terms, like “Mom and Dad are having special married couple time” or “Sometimes mommies and daddies like to get naked and touch. God made that a special thing for marriage.” Use your own words and gauge what information is right for your child. But don’t feel compelled to make this an hour-long birds-and-bees talk just because they saw their parents having sex.
But if it’s an older kid, teenager, or adult, and they could tell what was happening (no matter what stage you were at), they don’t need explanations. They knew what was happening and now want to bleach their brains (the teenagers, twice). Send them out and/or cover up quickly, then trade apologies — them for barging in, you perhaps for not barring their entrance. Suggest ways to avoid something like that happening in the future. And if it takes a while before you can make eye contact with them, yeah, that’s understandable. It is rather embarrassing.
But all of these embarrassing moments can be survived. In fact, these moments can become the stories you tell each other that get you laughing. Eventually, you can compile The Varied Adventures of Marital Sex. (Hey, I’m already on Volume 2 in my marriage.)
So what’s been your most embarrassing moment during sex? What other embarrassing things can happen while making love with your spouse?