Welcome to week three of my series on Using Your Body in Marital Intimacy. So far, I’ve looked at the importance of getting your mind on board and what to do with your hands.
Today, let’s talk about your mouth. Once again, I started with the Bible and looked up all the passages I could find that included the words mouth, lips, tongue, and kiss. (Yes, I have a very interesting search history.) Then I did some other research, some of its hands-on (because that’s just how dedicated I am to helping you). Following are tips for how to use your mouth in marital lovemaking.
Speak lovingly. We might as well start here, since the vast majority of the passages with mouth, lips, or tongue relate to what we say. The Bible emphasizes again and again the importance of measuring our words and using them responsibly. Now I can’t be the only one who learned this verse while watching VeggieTales’s Larry Boy and the Rumor Weed: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Thanks, Larry Boy!) And that’s a great summary scripture: Words matter.
The lovers in Song of Songs totally got this. Just read a few chapters and see how the spouses speak of and to each other to get examples. The words you speak during lovemaking can tear down or make your husband feel desired, loved, and adept as a lover. Consider how your mouth can be used to speak words that build up your hubby and your marital intimacy. Then speak ’em!
Pucker up. The first full sentence in the Song of Songs is: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth — for your love is more delightful than wine.” That’s a perfect way to start your sexual encounter, using that mouth for some delicious kissing.
Of course, you can join lips to lips, mouth to mouth, and tongue to tongue, but you can kiss just about anywhere on his body. Now of course, I am not planning to ever kiss my husband’s armpit, but I’d say that 98% of your man’s body would love to feel the touch of your lips. And some places may respond particularly well to the soft, wet touch of a kiss. Try a few of these:
- His eyelids. Yep, eyelids. They’re surprisingly sensitive, and kissing his eyelids means he must close his eyes which can heighten the sense of touch.
- His ears. Kiss those lobes, up the curve of his ear, and behind his ear. Some guys go a little crazy with such kisses.
- His neck and collarbone. Nuzzle right in there under his chin and get busy. Move your lips up, down, and all around . . . and work your way down to his collarbone, which is also sensitive for most men.
- His nipples. You’re not the only one with sensitive nipples. Maybe his aren’t quite so much, but they might still enjoy your mouth hanging out there a bit.
- His stomach. Tease your kisses all over his tummy, giving some extra attention around his navel.
- His thighs. Maybe it’s the proximity to where he’d really like your mouth to be, but your hubby’s thighs are likely an erogenous zone. Especially the inner thigh. Move your mouth around in gentle kisses and see if he likes it. (If I were a betting woman, I’d put down a fiver that he will.)
- His butt. Yes, ladies, I’m talking butt. It’s the flipside of his Happytown, and it wouldn’t mind your mouth going up and down its hills.
- His penis. Indeed, the mayor of Happyville would love a visit from your lips. Shaft, head, frenulum — wherever you’re willing to lay your lips. Also, his testicles are sensitive to your touch, whether by hands or mouth. But be extra gentle there!
- His hands. You didn’t expect me to go from the penis to something so seemingly ho-hum as his hands. But our hands are very sensitive, and you can turn him on by kissing his hands, especially the inside of his palm.
For more about kissing, check out my posts on that fabulous activity: In Celebration of the Kiss, The Punctuation of a Kiss, and A Little Instruction for the Kiss.
Lick it up. So sue me for quoting KISS (not the pucker-up, the rock band). But honestly, your tongue is a lovely tool for arousal. You can lick any of the places mentioned above.
Be gentle with your tongue in most of these spots. You can use the tip of your tongue to tease and titillate. Think how you might lick an envelope. To give a more intense experience, flatten out your tongue and go at your husband like he’s a dripping ice cream scoop. Go slow to draw out the sensation. Of course, you can also flick your tongue, moving the tip up-and-down or side-to-side.
Nibble. One of the Google definitions for nibble is to “gently bite at (a part of the body), esp. amorously or nervously.” Let’s go with amorously.
I didn’t look up teeth in the Bible, but they’re in your mouth and they’re awfully handy for a providing a stronger touch and a little tug on your husband’s flesh. How hard you bite is up to him. Pay attention to his reaction. Some husbands would welcome a little chomp-down on the shoulder or a strong tug on the earlobe. Other hubbies are more sensitive and would rather you focus on the word gently in that definition of nibble.
But wait, don’t bite his manly stuff down there! You do want them to survive another day, right?
Suck, the good way. When my husband annoys me and I want to jokingly let him know, my typical statement is “You suck . . . and not in the good way.” Which gets both of us laughing (and perhaps a little turned-on) and defuses any tension that might have been there. But I’m hitting at something true — sucking is a nice piece of your mouth’s lovemaking repertoire.
Now don’t go all “vacuum” on him; you’re not Hoover. But put your mouth on him and pull your mouth together in a nice, long, gentle suck. Most of those places — now listed way up there — are fair game, but a few other spots are suck-worthy. When you kiss together, you can suck on his lips a little. You can also take each of his fingers and pull them into your mouth for a little sucking. And for a big reaction, suck on his top part of his penis, paying special attention with your tongue to the stretch of flesh that connects the shaft with the head on the lower side (the frenulum).
Once your mouth has given pleasure to your husband, let’s hope his response is like that of the lover in Song of Songs:
Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue. – 4:11
Use these tips to do something you haven’t done yet or to revisit something you haven’t done in a while. Just think about the wonder of God’s gift of your mouth in providing pleasure to your spouse. There are so many ways you can use it.
What other ideas do you have? How is the mouth is a tool for arousal in your marital lovemaking?
Other romantic verses about the mouth: Song of Songs 4:3, 5:13, 5:16, 7:9, 8:11.
14 thoughts on “Using Your Body in Marital Intimacy: What to Do with Your Mouth”
My husband, after five years of blissful, purely started Christian marriage, has just now become comfortable with the idea of oral sexual play.
I am LOVING the exploration and watching him learning to relax and just enjoy it.
Your blog has been a huge blessing to our marriage. Thank you J!!!
Aw, thanks! That made my day. Enjoy. 😉
Great essay J. Very thorough.
The only thing I want to say is that “speak lovingly” is so very important! Many spouses are too loose with their mouths. What I mean is that they do not think about what they are saying and how they are saying it. Very caustic comments come out once in a while and these can and do damage the relationship.
Absolutely, Larry! I could write a whole post just on how we talk to each other in the bedroom, and how much that matters. Thanks.
would it be inappropriate to say, “yum?!”
Not at all, SR. You could also say, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” Either will be appreciated.
Just discovered your page, and WOW! I AM BLOWN AWAY! in a good way let me say! Cannot wait to read more!
We’ve been married 2 years and we h ave a great sex life. I have tried oral on my wife and she likes it. I would like her to try it on me, but she hasn’t felt comfortable with it. How do I bring it up to her I’d like her to try, if she doesn’t like it, that’s ok.
That sounded pretty good. I think you can request it just like that.
Although context is important. If she’s nervous about trying it, you might propose the idea away from the bedroom so that it doesn’t feel like it’s pressure, but rather a conversation about your sexual intimacy. Hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and express why you want her to try it. Of course, you do need to commit to the concept that if she really, truly doesn’t like it, you’ll look for other things to do together that you both enjoy; which might free her up to feel like she can give it a shot.
Also, she may not feel comfortable if she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. I wrote a post for wives on the how-tos of oral sex for him. She can get some tips there: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/02/oral-sex-how-to/. Swallowing, in particular, can be off-putting to some women. So give her permission to have an alternate plan, at least the first time out. Some wives grow to enjoy that experience; others don’t but are still willing to engage in oral sex for him.
Best wishes! And enjoy whatever intimacy you have with your lovely wife.
Thanks for the tips. I will give it a try and maybe she’ll be willing to try too 🙂
Thanks for the tips. I will give it a try and maybe she will too 🙂 how fun!
, I have tried and tried to connect with him. He is emtioonally unavailable and always has been at least for the past 8 years out of 9! I have cried and begged with him to listen to me, begged him to go to counseling, we went to 3 sessions and then he thought the counselor wanted to sleep w me so we couldn’t go anymore! In our entire marriage he has never apologized to me, not even once! I have cried at his feet begging him to listen to me, telling him we need help, telling him he is destroying us. He either continues to stare at the tv and ignore me or tells me to go to bed, your not getting your problem solved tonight! or get the F out of my face . He only touches me when he wants sex for the most part, and that’s the only time he says I love you to me, and since i pointed out to him that he only tells me he loves me during sex, he now refuses to say it even then. He will go 3-4 months without telling me he loves me. He says I am the one with the problem and that his marriage is fine, He feels he shows his love by commuting and going to work everyday for our family. I have told him i have a different love language and although I appreciate that dearly it takes more to make this marriage work. I don’t like the person he is, he is negative in every aspect, he is racist, he is judgmental of all others, he thinks he is always right and no one else can have an opinion and if they do of course they are stupid. Needless to say I have been miserable for years, but have tried and tried to convince myself to stay because of my children and the vows I took, I didnt get married to get divorced. I am scared as hell to go out into this world on my own with 3 kids! I have not finished college, I have worked part time for 7 years and i make about $17-18 an hour. I know its not a lot. I have never wanted to break my kids up from having both parents at home, but I am in my early 30 s now and i feel i can not continue to waste my life. I am scared to tell him goodbye, i don’t know how. He thinks everything is fine. He is in oblivion! Lately i try to get out of the house with the kids or by myself as much as possible. I have been in counseling by myself for 8 months. I feel i have tried so much., now I feel I am turning cold towards him, I feel that he may be picking up on my distance because he bought me a valentines gift which in all years past he has made it very clear to me that Valentines day and all other made up holidays are fake and he doesn’t celebrate them! He also told me that I looked nice for the first time EVER last weekend before we went out, usually he tells me whats wrong with my hair or outfit, I told him to stop being so nice to me I am not use to it. He even reached out to hug and kiss me and tell me he loved me before bed one night I again asked him why are u being so nice he said I am always nice I said Yeah right!I have this pic of me that I put in a frame and gave to him for our anniversary so he could take to work all my friends said I looked like a model in it, he said it was not a good pic of me, and didnt want to take it to work, so I placed it out on our table then a few days later i find it stuffed in a drawer!!!!!He didn’t even tell me happy mothers day on Mothers day or happy birthday on my birthday, its like these phrases are to hard for him to say, he is emtioonally constipated as i like to put it! .i walk around my house and wonder how am i going to tell him, how am i going to break my childrens hearts, how the HELL AM I GOING TO DO THIS??? Now heres the kicker that everyone is probably going to get angry w me for. When i was 15 I met a boy, he was visiting my friend on vacation, we had an amazing connection and day just one amazing day as kids together, well .17 years later I find him on Facebook, say hello, he is married no children, thinks he is happy then BAM, something starts growing between us! Something i cant explain. He and I are both in turmoil now, he is broken hearted and angry at himself for feeling this way and for breaking his vows and hurting his wife and shocking his family (no one knows yet). He is an amazing man with a wonderful heart that didnt know that this could or would be able to happen to him. He and I live in different states but we communicate daily via phone, email, text, im, web cam. He is planning a visit to see me soon. Flying in for 4 hours to meet me again and see how we feel face to face. Right now we feel we are in love, he accepts me with my children, he is willing to move to my state. We talk about the future, we dont want to date,My Question was so long that it didnt show all the bottom line is. How do I tell him I am going to leave him, when he is clueless. How do I truly do this, without breaking my childrens hearts .I am sick over this everyday. My heart is hurting and I have no answers I feel like a zombie. I never thought I would hurt a married women, so my heart is breaking for this women I dont even know as well. I just need advice on how to actually tell a man that is denial that and that never communicates with me that this is real, I am scared to death!
My heart breaks to hear your story. It sounds like you want something better and have tried to get it from your marriage. When you’re at this point, almost all you can feel is the pain and the intense longing for it to stop. It’s hard to know where to turn, what to do, how there could be hope.
I am NOT a licensed counselor or psychologist. I am not an ordained minister. I am merely a Christian wife with my own story of bad-to-good relationship and a passion for lasting marriages and healthy sexual intimacy. Actually, at one point my marriage wasn’t bad…it was nearly unbearable. I wanted something better, but I couldn’t see how we could ever get there. It took some years, but we’re there.
A few things I want to point out from your comment:
1. This is the wrong time to get involved in another relationship. You have your own sense of conviction, so I won’t bang you on the head with that part. But every expert worth his salt agrees that when you’re in a terrible marriage, you need TIME — either time to work on repairing your marriage or time to grieve its loss (which should take about a year). Even if your current marriage doesn’t work out, jumping into another relationship with this long, lost friend is a bad, bad idea. And the only way to stop is to truly STOP — cut off contact and let him know you won’t be seeing or speaking with him, at least for a while. You need that clear head to deal with what’s in front of you right now. It’s too easy to imagine a perfect future with this guy who’s paying attention to you right now, and not recognize what difficulties you’d be setting yourself up for with the circumstances that spawned the relationship.
2. You’re keeping a record of wrongs with your husband. I totally understand that. Being mistreated over and over by your spouse is such a shock to the system that you almost want to catalog it to make sure you’re really seeing a pattern, that you really do have reasons to feel so abandoned and unloved. But then, even if your husband does something nice, you rebuff him because that action no longer fits into the long list of complaints you have about him. Instead, cling to those moments and look for the good. Be honest with yourself and see if there is something good there worth reviving. I suspect that you and your husband were very much in love when you married, and much of that emotion may still be there — even if it currently feels buried.
3. Find a true mentor. I don’t know how much you’ve shared with your counselor and their take on the situation. But you need someone to help you stay emotionally healthy, to coach you on setting appropriate boundaries with your husband, to walk through various scenarios of what will happen if you stay/go, etc. Perhaps you need to talk to your pastor. But use the knowledge about marriage that you’ve gained to change your own actions toward your husband, rather than pronouncing to him how he’s doing it wrong (even if he totally is). At the end of the day, you can only change yourself…but oftentimes, that change affects the whole relationship and influences your mate so that you can both heal.
4. You’re in a very tough time in life. Studies show that marital bliss actually decreases after the kids come. That middle portion of our lives when we’re working jobs; raising children; dealing with mortgages, bills, deadlines, etc.; and life is pressuring us from all directions can overwhelm a marriage. In addition, one or both of you may be dealing with depression or anxiety that isn’t likely to dissipate without some positive action. But that isn’t the end of things. Studies also show that in marriages that are very unhappy, those who stay in the relationship report a far happier situation five years down the road. Maybe some of those pressures fade, or we start to figure out how to handle them better. Maybe we get help from others. But it’s good to remember that the way it is right this moment isn’t necessarily the way it will be even a year or two later.
5. Almost all long-term, happy marriages go through deep hardship. I’m very interested in what it takes for marriages to make it 30, 40, 50 years and beyond. One of the common threads of long-term, happy marriages is that at one point or another they went through an awful time: perhaps the loss of a child, the pain of adultery, financial destruction, the threat of divorce, etc. A period of unhappiness in a long, otherwise fulfilling marriage isn’t rare. It’s par for the course. I’m not saying that all marriages can be saved, but there is hope. There is definitely hope. There are plenty of happy married couples who, once upon a time, didn’t think they would make it (my marriage included).
You have my prayers. I mourn with you, but I also hope for you. Don’t give up on getting the help you need. May God bless and keep you!
Giving oral delights to my wife is the joy of my life. How lovely! Whoo-EE! Hurray Song of Solomon! 666 is not a good number, but 69 is.
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