Using Your Body in Marital Intimacy: Your Hands

Did you know that if you type the keyword “hands” into a Bible search engine, you get 579 results. “Hand”? 748 results. “Touch”? Only 40.

I recently announced a new series: Using Your Body in Marital Intimacy. On Thursdays, I’ll give tips for using different parts of your body when making love with your spouse. Today, let’s talk hands.

For you, my fabulous readers, I scanned every one of those 1367 verses mentioned above, with help from the Holy Spirit and caffeine, to see what the Bible had to say.

There wasn’t much. Well, there is Zephaniah 3:16b: “. . . do not let your hands hang limp.”

Just kidding. That verse has nothing to do with sex (even if it is good advice).

Yet hands represent several important concepts in the Bible, such as:

• possession (e.g., one nation given into the hands of another)
• power (e.g., “by His mighty hand”; David’s hand killing Goliath)
• skill (e.g., the work of one’s hands)
• presence (e.g., God’s hand with someone)
• reverence (e.g., lifting hands in prayer)
• importance (e.g., sitting at one’s right hand)
• tenderness (e.g., Jesus touching those he healed)

All of these could apply to marriage. For instance, the only one who gets to put hands on our girly parts is the hubster. (Okay, gynecologists too, but let’s not digress, ladies, to the uncomfortable memory of our last pap-smear.) The point is that hubby and I put our hands on each other because “My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song 2:16). Possession.

We can also convey power, skill, presence, reverence (for the Creator of the human body), importance, and tenderness when we touch each other. All good things in marriage.

But let’s look specifically at HOW to touch your mate. Following are general tips to turn your husband on. See what works for him.

Teasing. Typically, you want to use the tips of your fingers or fingernails and work slowly across his skin. Go back and forth, work in circles, or trace your name or a message. Start with less erotic areas and work toward the Big Kahuna.

And here’s an interesting trick: Run your fingers along his skin at the edge of his clothing. It doesn’t matter whether it’s his shirt sleeve or the edge of his underwear, there’s something about teasing along that border that is all kinds of sexy.

Stroking. To stroke is to rub or caress, meaning that your hubby should now feel your hand substantially touching him. Use your fingers for a lighter touch or your whole hand for more intensity.

Where should you stroke? Anywhere he wants. But try these sensitive male areas: his neck, his scalp, his ears, his lower abdomen, his inner thighs. He probably has greater sensitivity anywhere that hair isn’t — including backs of knees and inside elbows — but those spots depend on your hubby. Of course, if you want a super-charged reaction, move up from that inner thigh to his penis and get to stroking there.

Massaging. Raise your hand if a back rub has ever turned into a lovemaking session you didn’t plan. Yeah, us too. But if you add massage to the plan, you’ll likely enjoy the results.

Work with just your hands or add lotion or massage oil for easier movement. Make sure the pressure feels good to your man. Usually guys prefer greater pressure, but not always. (I usually beg my husband to massage my poor muscles harder, while he prefers a lighter touch.) You can rub with your thumbs, fingers, the heel of your hand, palms, knuckles, etc., but engage your entire hands in one way or another during the massage.

To keep it sensual, start with hubby on his stomach. Progress something like this:

Neck & shoulders –> back & arms –> length of his spine –> calves –> feet –> back to thighs –> buttocks.

Then flip that relaxed man over and get creative.

This article has more description: The Marriage Bed – Full Body Sexual Massage.

Grabbing. Most wives don’t want to be cooking and suddenly feel their husband’s hand squeezing one butt cheek. But men? They tend to desire more intensity in their wife’s touch. Your hubby may think it’s super-hot for you to walk up, plant your hand over that rarely-used undies flap, and give his little guy a pump or two. That’s a cue that can’t easily be missed, and he might appreciate a clear signal that you’re good-to-go.

During sex, increasing your grip to the level of grabbiness (is that word?) can let your mate know that you’re edging up the excitement meter. You can grab his shoulders, wrap your hands around the back of his head, or sink your hands into his backside and give a good squeeze. Or maneuver him into positions that feel particularly good, like grabbing his buttocks to pull him deeper into you.

Touching Yourself. Most husbands enjoy watching their wives touch themselves. Why? It’s a visual thing. Plus, they get up-close-and-personal tutoring on what turns you on so they can mimic those motions later and get you all hot and bothered with their own hands.

If you’ve never done this before, it’s going to feel weird the first time. And probably the second. Let’s face it: Your hand and his hand do not feel the same. Plus having an audience, even if it’s only your husband, can make it hard to relax and become aroused.

Be willing to start slow — teasing and stroking yourself like discussed above — and then move to your breasts and vulva. You may want to add lubrication down below.

After that, tune in to what your body wants — be it slow and soft touches or faster movement and increased pressure. If you want to achieve orgasm as he watches, find that knobby bit of flesh above your vagina (your clitoris) and stroke it gently, moving in various ways to see what feels good. Increase speed and pressure as you heat up. For tips on reaching orgasm, check out my post on that topic.

Adding touch to intercourse. Your hands can also boost stimulation during intercourse. As your husband thrusts, stroke the lower part of his penis, tenderly caress his testicles, or rub your own clitoris or breasts. Any of these may add to the arousal you two experience.

Hand jobs. Of course, you can also perform the aptly-named hand job. For tips, see How to Give a Hand Job.

This is by no means a comprehensive post on what you can do with your hands. But I wasn’t sure if I should provide a primer here on how to claw your husband’s back when you’re in the throes of passion. Sure, you can do it, but it’s not really a planned thing.

Use your imagination to expand on the ideas here. Just keep your hands involved in the sexual encounter.

By the way, the one biblical passage specifically about hands and sex comes from — no surprise — Song of Songs: “My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt” (5:4-5). But their hands aren’t even touching the other yet, just anticipating when they will. Which can still be arousing.

Closing up my post on using your hands in marital intimacy, let’s finish with one more verse about the fabulous hand. Ecclesiastes 9:10a says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might . . .” Can I get an “Amen”?