Monthly Archives: January 2014

Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm

It’s hard for many husbands to believe that wives can enjoy sex without the orgasm. I’m not speaking for all women here (some wives want it every time); however, there are a good number of us who can be okay with forgoing the peak of all peaks.

So why would a wife sometimes pass up the orgasm?

She gets it almost every time. Orgasm isn’t an issue with her, because she enjoys it on a frequent basis. Perhaps she even has multiple orgasms frequently. Both she and her husband make this a regular priority, so she has no doubt she can achieve orgasm the next time. Thus, skipping an orgasm now and then isn’t a big deal.

She wants to focus on her husband’s pleasure. She likes putting her husband first and foremost at times. Most of their lovemaking is equally satisfying for both spouses, but she sees the value in concentrating on one spouse sometimes (Philippians 2:4). And this time, she wants to put her whole focus on his fulfillment, not worrying too much about her own. If she climaxes, fine. If not, she can go without this time.

Her body isn’t cooperating. For reasons known or unknown, her body simply isn’t responding the way it usually does. Maybe it’s an off-kilter time of the month or recovering from an illness or piled-up stress or physical fatigue. Whatever the cause, she’s happy to engage in physical intimacy, but reaching orgasm requires more effort than she wants to give at that moment. It’s enough to simply enjoy the closeness with her husband.

She is concentrating on other sensations. Climax is amazingReally, really amazing. But other sensations in sex are pleasurable as well. Maybe she’s simply enjoying the loving caresses from her husband’s hands or the tenderness of his lips as he kisses her all over. Perhaps she is reveling in the gentle friction and pressure of her husband’s manhood inside her, astounded at how well their bodies fit together to create that one-flesh experience (Genesis 2:24). Whatever it is that feels so good, this time it feels like enough — climax optional.

She doesn’t have time. Wife and hubby have squeezed a sexual encounter into an already full schedule or sneaked away from the children for what they know will be a short-lived opportunity. It’s quickie time. While she might want an orgasm, it’s not necessarily achievable in the time they have. So she can take it or leave it, still feeling good that she and her husband engaged in sexual intimacy — be it ever so hurried.

Mountain peak w/quoteIt’s possible to enjoy sex with your hubby, yet not feel like a trip to the peak of pleasure is required every time.

However, if a wife never desires an orgasm or if she never has one (no matter how much she desires it), some red flags should go up. Husbands almost always climax through sex, but wives often require a more gentle and more guided touch. Orgasm is not the end-all-be-all, but it’s a worthwhile goal for the vast majority of sexual encounters. God designed women to orgasm throughout clitoral and vaginal stimulation, and that beautiful sexual symphony should be heard often in marriage.

Yet, if you don’t desire the orgasm every now and then, you’re not weird or broken or anything. Sometimes we wives can pass this time around.

What’s your experience? Do you sometimes feel like skipping the “big O”? What are your reasons for being willing to forgo that pleasure peak?

What Does It Take to Be Happy in Marriage?

Happy Wives Club Blog Tour buttonThis post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to participate in, along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and to join us, click here.

Fawn Weaver is the founder of the Happy Wives Club, “an upbeat blog dedicated to positively changing the tone about marriage around the world,” and she’s “on a mission to find 1 million women, like me, who are living their happily ever after.”

Her blog has long been a place for happily married women — and those who desire and celebrate happy marriages — to congregate and share encouragement and wisdom. She now takes that mission on the road, with the recent release of her first book: Happy Wives Club: One Woman’s Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage.

This is not a self-help book, with a “10 steps to happy marriage” approach. Instead, it reads like Fawn’s travel journal as she navigates countries across the globe and discovers the beauty of these locales and the happy marriages within them.

She speaks with couples from California, South Africa, England, Croatia, Australia, and more and brings the reader along to hear their insights.

There are some differences among the couples indeed. They vary in ways beyond the different cultures they represent. Some marriages grew from whirlwind romances, some arose from slow-building friendships, and one couple’s marriage was even arranged by their families. Some seem to have skipped through their blissful years of marriage, while others experienced hardship yet found their happy groove.

Still, all of these couples seem to share certain characteristics, the qualities that Fawn recognizes as the “secrets to a great marriage.” Thankfully, Fawn herself has known deep happiness in her marriage and believes that happy marriages are more than possible — they exist everywhere.

As her trip unfolds, the reader can see the secrets coming together like threads woven into a beautiful fabric — each marriage unique, yet sharing certain colors. Although these secrets can be listed (and yes, you’ll find them in the book), they emerge instead as stories of Fawn’s journey and the happy couples she meets.

There are a few aspects Fawn didn’t highlight as much, but which struck me as interesting. Each of these long-married, happy-ever-after couples seem to be happy people. That is, I got the sense that they had individually learned happiness as well, a goal I suggest we wives aim for in our lives. Also, these wives have a strong sense of themselves, through meaningful work and relationships. And several of them mention good role models in their family, which encourages me all the more to attend to my own marriage and provide a healthy example for my children.

One aspect Fawn did highlight, which I love, is the importance of laughter in a marriage. Not laughter at your spouse’s expense. Rather, the perspective that life shouldn’t always be taken so seriously and that belly laughs are good for the marriage and good for the soul.

Fawn starts her journey as a happy wife and ends it with greater wisdom, great encouragement from other happy couples, and important secrets to a great marriage that she shares in the pages of Happy Wives Club.

Personally, I relate to those wives who have struggled, who had to work on their marriage, who had much to learn to find the happiness that God desires us to experience in marriage. My own journey has had its challenges, but I am now definitely, definitely a happy wife. Count me among the million.

What do you think it takes to be happy in marriage? What’s the one secret to a happy marriage you would share with others?

Happy Wives Club book coverHappy Wives Club is Fawn’s journey across the world to meet new friends and discover what makes their marriages great. You can find her book about the best marriage secrets the world has to offer by clicking here.

Top 5 Posts in 2013 (& 5 More I Hope You Read)

The Times Square ball has dropped, the toasts have been made, and hopefully you managed to get a kiss at midnight from your honey. In short, the New Year is here.

Since 2013 has concluded, I wanted to share with you my top 5 posts from last year — based on blog traffic.

5. 10 Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband. Which is kind of cool that so many wives are looking for ways to make the holidays a special time of intimacy as well.

4. The One Sex Tip I Give Husbands Over and Over. I guess plenty of people agreed with that one tip! (Or at least wanted to know what it was. 😉 )

3. What?! You’d Rather He Have an Affair? My answer to a comment from a wife suggesting her husband have an affair rather than turn to her for sexual intimacy.

2. 3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm. Yay! Julie Sibert’s guest post on my blog, with some practical tips on upping your pleasure in the marital bedroom.

1. How to Give a Hand Job. Which fascinates me, because I used to be bad at this. But then I learned a thing or two . . . and decided to share.

There are a few other 2013 posts which I’m particularly fond of. In case you didn’t read them, or want to revisit them, here are five other posts I’d love for you to read:

5. My Interview with Stupendous Marriage. Not that there’s much reading, but this post links to my interview with podcaster Stu Gray of Stupendous Marriage. I’ve been writing about Christian sexuality for three years, but this is the first time I’ve spoken about it way-out in public. Stu did a fabulous job, and I enjoyed the opportunity to discuss my passion for godly passion.

4. 4 Ways Sex Can Comfort in Crisis or Grief. This one was personal and eye-opening for me. Through my own experience, I discovered how sexual intimacy in marriage can reassure and refresh when you’re going through a tough time.

3. I Am the Higher-Drive Spouse (or Yes, Rejection Hurts). Wives are sometimes the higher-drive spouse, and that’s been my recent circumstance. I address this mismatch in drives, with a view of what it’s like on the higher-drive side.

2. Just Because He Stopped Asking Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting. Maybe I liked this post because it’s a scenario I hear about, but rarely hear addressed. Some spouses believe that everything’s honky-dory because their spouse has stopped complaining about the lack of sex in their marriage, but sexual desire likely didn’t disappear. It’s natural to physically desire your mate, and indeed such desire shouldn’t go away.

1. How You Can Pray for Marriage Bloggers. I’d love to have your prayers for Hot, Holy & Humorous to be a successful ministry — one that reaches married couples who need help and encouragement. I know other marriage bloggers desire that people lift them up in prayer as well. Here are specific suggestions on what to pray.

Do you have other favorite posts from Hot, Holy & Humorous? And what topic do you wish I’d address in 2014?