Today’s question comes from a fiancé getting married soon after the holidays. The husband-to-be has a couple of concerns about making the first sexual experience positive for his bride. Well, and positive for himself, I’m sure. Here’s what he wrote:
I am engaged to my beautiful future bride. We are both virgins and have no experience with the opposite sex.
My problem is I’m afraid I might hurt her when we make love for the first time and that is by far the last thing I would want to do. I’m afraid of this for two reasons one I am larger than the average male down there. . . I don’t think I’m a monster but I worry I may hurt her if I’m not careful. That brings me to number two which is my inexperience. How do I know if I’m pushing the limits without going over? We are both excited about joining in that union I just don’t want the first time to be a bad experience for her, or me.
I’ve written on this subject a couple of times before: Penis Size: From the Wife’s Point of View and Is My Penis Big Enough?
But frankly, most men are more concerned with being big enough rather than too big. In this guy’s original email, he provided specific measurements, and yeah, he’s definitely on the large end of the scale. So I understand and admire his concern for his virgin bride.
Here are a few things husbands with an XL penis might want to think about:
Vaginas are amazingly elastic. The walls of a woman’s vagina are comprised of folds of muscular tissue that can stretch several inches beyond their normal set point. Even though a single finger or two fingers seem to fill a wife’s vagina, God’s beautiful design allows her body to accept her husband’s penis and even deliver a child through this canal.
Having gone through the childbirth experience, I can tell you that no penis is as big as a child’s head. So rest assured that — unless your wife has physiological challenges like defects or vaginismus — her secret space can accommodate your size.
Arousal helps her vagina relax enough to stretch. Your bride’s vagina isn’t like silly putty — more like a rubber band. Silly putty, you can just pull and stretch and that’s that. Rubber bands require some exertion to stretch to the right size. Your “exertion” is called foreplay, my friend.
When a wife becomes aroused, two important things happen (besides her feeling really good): Her vaginal walls secrete lubrication, and her genitalia swell with increased blood supply. The lubrication makes her vagina slick so that the friction of intercourse feels pleasurable rather than painful, and the swelling relaxes her vagina so it can stretch further.
Dude, it’s your job to help these two things happen. Thankfully, God made this part a whole lot of fun . . . for both of you. Take your time turning your wife on, expecting that it may be 30 minutes or more before she is fully aroused enough to have intercourse. As soon as she begins to lubricate, you can use your fingers to spread that lubrication around her genitalia, which will make foreplay there feel even better. But she won’t be ready for penetration until her vulva swell to 2-3 times their normal size.
Remember, though, that foreplay for a woman isn’t merely stroking her girly parts. Sure, that feels good, but the whole kit-and-caboodle contributes to our excitement about lovemaking. A slow massage or caressing her arms and legs or a fabulous make-out session can arouse your wife enough to get things going down there. Slow down and enjoy the journey, knowing that it will make your destination that much sweeter when she is eager and excited to make love.
Lubrication is key. I mentioned lubrication above, but some wives don’t produce as much as they need or get there quickly enough. I remember being reluctant to add lubrication early in my marriage, because it felt like something was defective if we needed it. But that’s just not so. Sometimes our bodies respond quickly, and other times they don’t. And it can be nothing more than what time of the month she’s in, because hormones affect that.
Your bride should have a personal lubricant available in case you need to add some additional moisture. There are many brands, so let me break down the basics for you. They mostly come in water-based or silicone, with those having a different feel and lasting different time periods. I suggest you buy both to find out what you like. Popular store brands are K-Y, Wet, and Astroglide, but you can also find quality products online like Good Clean Love and my personal favorite, Sliquid. Another option altogether is coconut oil, which you can find in the health section of your store, and many couples swear by it.
Simply make sure you have something on hand, just in case. Even if you don’t need it that first night, you might want it later during the honeymoon or in your many, many opportunities to make love afterward.
Communicate with your bride. Whether it’s your large penis penetrating her or how you’re touching your bride, you should cultivate communication in the marriage bed by asking how things feel.
Now you don’t want to interrogate her, so don’t throw a barrage of questions at her constantly. But check in now and then, asking for feedback. Watch her reactions. Encourage her to speak up if something feels uncomfortable. Let her know that her pleasure matters to you.
That first time, as you enter her body, go slow and ask how she’s doing. Look, I know this will require an incredible amount of self-control on your part. Because at that point, everything in your body is going to be screaming, NOW! But I also believe that loving husbands are capable of such tenderness in this regard, and it will benefit you to check in with her at that point and see how she’s doing. Give her a chance to adjust her position, spread her vaginal lips open more, breathe out slowly to relax, and whatever else she needs to do to feel ready.
That said, some wives at this point don’t need all that. So if she simply responds, “I’m great. Go for it!” Then listen to your wise wife.
Basically, either way, listen to your wife. You can help her learn from the get-go to respond to her sexual sensations and feelings, and women who value their own pleasure in the marriage bed tend to be more enthusiastic partners in the long run.
Understand that she will be sore afterward. The next day and beyond, her vagina will likely feel sore. It’s not because you hurt her, but because she’s using muscles that didn’t get used before. It’s like she went to the gym and signed up for the Advanced Aerobics class. Think of it like Sex Boot Camp. (I’m going to get flak for saying that one, aren’t I?)
Be kind if she complains about soreness later. And understand she may need a little recuperation time. I’m talking a day or two maybe, because it really is like stretching new muscles, and the best way to make that not hurt long-term is to keep using the muscles. Most newlywed couples can engage in sex almost daily, or even multiple times in a day. Whether they do so is less dependent on their bodies and more dependent on attitudes, schedules, etc.
Intense pain is not okay. One last caveat: If your bride does experience extreme pain, that’s not normal. Some women do have physiological issues that prevent their bodies from cooperating with sexual intercourse. If she cannot engage that first night because it hurts too much, don’t push it. Be sexual in other ways. And when you can, take her to see her gynecologist to find out what’s going on and get answers to make her feel better.
Honestly, I think you’re going to have a marvelous wedding night! That first night together can be a beautiful time of exploring one another’s bodies and experiencing deeper intimacy than you’ve ever had before. Congratulations! Wishing you many blessed years of wedding bliss.
16 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “Will My Larger Penis Hurt My Bride?””
One bit of advice that was given to me before my wedding: you don’t have to go “all the way in” on your first try. Sex can still be great even if the penis doesn’t FULLY fully go in. Your bride can always tell you when it starts to hurt, then she’ll be able to more comfortably take it father the next time. You have a lifetime to have great sex, and building a safe and comfortable foundation can help immensely.
Wonderful addition. Very true!
We’re also getting married soon. I just want to mention, the type of lubrication you use should be compatible with your birth control. If you’re using any kind of barrier method, check that the lubricant won’t damage your birth control device. Water based seems to be best for most silicon/ latex type devices. Petroleum based products and coconut oil is a no-go for latex. Not so sure about the silicon based. But it behooves one to check if you don’t want a honeymoon baby.
Very good point. Thanks!
🙂 You don’t see that mentioned often.
The OBGYN will insist on telling you stuff you already know and try to talk you out of using a diaphragm. But then they would not mention the fact that certain lubricants will damage it. Fail. I happen to know this tidbit, because I have materials science background and have done a lot of research on birth control.
She did tell me using tampons would help intercourse be more comfortable the first time. That might be something to mention to the bride in question.
To the guy who wrote the question:
I’m so glad that you are thinking of your new bride’s needs. It’s exactly that attitude that will make her feel loved and cared for (and will therefore likely get your sex life off to a good start). Just take that attitude with you on your wedding night: Ask before you do something new, make sure she’s having fun and it’s not too painful for her. It may be wise to have a talk a week or two before the wedding about general wedding night expectations. We did, and it helped so much! Ask her what would help her feel comfortable that night, if she wants music to play and what kind, if she has any thoughts about how she’s pictured that night (e.g. I wanted my husband to take off my wedding dress… but I also wanted to take a solo bubble bath beforehand, so it helped just to think about the logistics of making that work), whether she even wants to have actual intercourse that night or start out with some other foreplay-type activities, etc. Take it slow, be gentle and patient, and just enjoy your new wife!
Just don’t do what my husband did and tell her to “put it in” – I didn’t have any idea how to do that! (We can laugh about it now!)
Your pictures crack me up sometimes!
Great advice and how wonderful this young man is thinking of his bride!
One other thing I would have him do is remind her to pee before intercourse since a full bladder can make things uncomfortable and to pee again afterwards, wiping from front to back. This can help prevent a urinary tract infection which can be common for new brides. 😉
Also, one comment mentioned his wife taking a bubble bath before their first time…I would discourage bubble baths and soap of any kind on the woman’s genitals as these can be irritating and even lead to yeast infections for some women.
Also remember that the wedding night may not be the time you first “go all the way,” so to speak. You’ll have had a long, emotional, possibly stressful day. You’ll both be very worn out. So, take the pressure off. Talk to her and assure her that the first night together doesn’t have to be the first time TOGETHER. First though, prepare YOURSELF that this may be the case, and that it’s ok.
I didn’t want to hear this as a young engaged man, but it turned out to be great advice from an older married man. The more relaxed you both are, the better it will be.
You have a lifetimeof sexual encounters ahead. Some will be amazing some will be just so so. Our honeymoon was nothing special sexually but it has got better and better as the years have gone by. We are in our mid 70s now and our love making times are simply amazing! Of course I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world as far as I am concerned.
I’ve only been married once, and our wedding night went great for both of us.
This was when I sincerely believed it a sin to drink wine. But I’ve heard from other sources that for the bride to drink one glass of wine before bedtime will help her loosen up. It seems to me that emotional loosening should lead to physical loosening.
I am very happy that this man is thinking of his bride to be! How thoughtful! Awesome post J. You are a wonderful writer and are helping so many women and men. Keep up the great work!
Since you mentioned Astroglide — a lot of people who are new to sex don’t realize there are a lot of different kinds of lube out there. There’s water based, silicone based, liquids and gels. If you try one out and don’t like it, don’t be discouraged because you may just like a different formula better!
You can try some different formulas for free at astroglide.com/sample
Astroglide Liquid is a great on to start out with!
I was worried about the same problem when my husband and I got married. My GYN suggested a vaginal dilator, which helped me slowly stretch things out down there. I had struggled with all my Pap smears and using tampons in the past, but using the dilator in the months leading up to our wedding made our wedding night pain-free!
We dealt with this issue as well as the fact that I was really tight in there. Definitely don’t skimp on the lube, it really helps both of you. I wish we’d known that! We ended up having to find a drug store to get some ointment for him from the friction causing issues.
It may be tough on her, but if you take it easy and are considerate like my husband was, it should improve over time. Believe me, we fit perfectly these days….even if it wasn’t always easy, the woman is uniquely made by God to adapt!
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