I’m going to be seriously honest right now. I’ve had a crazy last week, in which I shifted the family schedule to fall school hours, worked grueling hours to meet a project deadline, and posted nothing here. In September, I have an online course I’m teaching (not about marriage), a local conference I’m chairing, and plans for a terrific giveaway for Hot, Holy, and Humorous (which I will tell you about next time) that requires some additional planning and coordination.
On top of that, my husband is stressed, for all of his own reasons. So yesterday, despite our marriage being a happy one overall, we had a bad night. Now believe me when I say that we are so far down the road from where we once were, it’s like we traveled to a different planet. We had an argument, but I’m not the least bit worried about us. We’re in love, committed, and will be fine.
But I’ve been feeling sullen all day, and a little guilty about coming on my blog and saying anything that makes me sound like I know exactly what I’m doing in marriage.
After being absent for too long, though, I wanted to write something.
So I started to think about my husband. Not the negative stuff I was feeling last night or the aftermath hurt stuck in my gut. Rather, I’ve learned enough about marriage to know that was a blip and there are some really great reasons to love the guy I chose.
Memories can be a wonderful thing in this regard. Because I mulled all the way back to the things my husband first did to attract me to him. What flipped that switch to awaken my love for him? What made me eager to hold his hand, to feel his kiss, to say I do and get the other fabulous stuff? Why did I find him so appealing, so engaging, so — I’ll just say it — sexy?Practicing optimism about and appreciation for our spouses fuels a better attitude, a hopeful outlook, and a bit of swooning, if we do it right. So I’m going to share my reasons, and I’m hoping you’ll share yours in the comments.
He bought me an ice cube tray.
I bet you never imagined that would be the first thing I’d say. But it’s true! Spock (hubby’s nickname) and I lived in the same apartment complex, and we discussed how the apartments did not provide a sufficient number of ice cube trays. A day or two later, my guy knocked on my door holding two ice cube trays he’d picked up for me at Walmart. And yeah, that little gesture warmed my heart. Because it said: I thought about you when I was nowhere near you. You were on my mind.
To this day, I love finding out that my husband thought about me when he was in other places or with other people. It makes my heart flutter to hear from co-workers that “he talks about you all the time” or to discover he bought my favorite chocolate at the store. The truth is, most married people don’t spend the majority of their day together. And we don’t really know what’s happening in our spouse’s heads, so those little reminders that say, You were on my mind, can keep us feeling connected even when we’re apart.
He listened to me.
I have a history degree, and my primary focus was church history. I recall sitting on his apartment couch when we were first dating and him listening to me talk about the Reformation and Restoration Movements. He leaned in as I spoke, he asked questions that showed he was interested, and he indicated that he was impressed with my knowledge. Want to know what that moment did to my pulse?
Never mind that the subject was John Calvin or Alexander Campbell, the point is he made me feel like he wanted to be with me that moment, and the next moment, and the next. I wasn’t just a pair of lips or a pair of good legs hanging out with him. I could converse with this guy about deep things, and he respected my opinion — he liked me.
These days we often have some of our best lovemaking after a profound discussion on something completely unrelated. We might talk about current events or spiritual issues or personal challenges we each face, and the next thing I know we’re smooching and heading to the bedroom. Guess those thoughtful exchanges are a turn-on.
He touched me, often and easily.
In case you’re familiar with the Five Love Languages theory from Gary Chapman, one of the top two ways I feel loved is physical touch. It’s strange because I’m not touchy-feely with most people. Maybe it’s my introversion that keeps that circle fairly small. However, when Spock and I started dating, he seamlessly found ways to touch me.
He reached for my hand when we walked somewhere or when we rode in the car. He stood shoulder-to-shoulder with me in church and held a single hymnal for both of us. He put his arm around me when we sat on the couch to watch the World Series (1992, every single game). Something about that constant proximity made me feel protected, cherished, desired. And I desired him back.
I still adore holding his hand, although we also get to do things now like cuddling in bed, sharing a shower, and naked body massages. All that physical touch heightens my senses and arouses my libido. It also reminds me that we share something special, from the little goodbye pecks to the big sexual climaxes.
He made me laugh.
My husband’s humor can be dry. Like drought-in-summer dry. One time we were sitting together at a church group event, and he murmured something in response to what the speaker said. I don’t even remember what it was, but it cracked me up. And others around us didn’t get it. I was the one who understood and appreciated his humor.
Turned out, he was also willing to be silly, which I’m all for in life. Life is serious enough that we don’t need to killjoy our way through it, but find reasons to smile. Spock and I engaged in word play, dorky dance moves, and watching comedy films. I laughed at his jokes, and we laughed with each other.
I still think that makes him sexy. And it makes our marriage bed more enjoyable that we can laugh together. Surveys consistently show that women are drawn to a man with a great sense of humor. We enjoy being around someone who makes us smile — is it really surprising that it’s a turn-on too?
Yep, what first turned me on about my husband is what still turns me on about my husband. And after sharing all that, I’m feeling incredibly blessed to have such a terrific, sexy man for my husband.
Your turn: What first turned you on about your spouse? What still turns you on?
20 thoughts on “What First Turned Me On about My Husband”
Love this and love, love the “down memory lane” photo!
My husband, too,showed from the very beginning that he want to listen to me, talk to me, and spend time with me. That never gets old!
Thanks, Gaye. Don’t we look ridiculously young?!
And you’re right — the good stuff never gets old!
Thinking I’ll take a little walk down.memory lane tonight. 🙂 Great suggestion!
I met my husband when it would have been illegal for us to date. I was 13 and he was 21. I didn’t know that we had a future together then but I do remember being attracted to him because of the way he carried himself and I knew he wasn’t just any other young man…he was wise beyond his years and that was what made him stick out to me. And it still holds true… 8 years married, (10 altogether) and still so in love!
7 years difference for us. And it kind of freaks my kids out sometimes to do that math (so when dad was my age, you were…what???). 😉
Appreciate the honesty. Good advice, to return to the qualities which attracted you in the first place.
His heart. He is a total sweetheart, a teddy bear. We have been together since I was 13 and he was 14 but he’s always been sweet. Not over the top mushy but his heart for people and esp for me has always made me love him. Even now seeing him hold his little girls and catching him gazing at me as I care for someone or something makes me fall in love with him all over again!
Loved this article. Feels good to be reminded of the reasons why some 23 yrs later!
Great post! I will never forget the moment I realized that my husband was the one God had for me. He looked into my eyes and said “I see you”. I had spent all my life trying to be what everyone needed, but this man wanted the real me. Our marriage is a great adventure because we trust each other enough to be authentically who God made us to be. Thank you for your blog!
Thank you for this blog and specifically this piece. My husband and I have only been married 8 months and I found your blog not long after we were married. It has been such a source of encouragement and learning. Your courage, faith and conviction to teach about marriage the way God designed is inspiring. I was first attracted to my husband for his genuine attitude and love for God, a quality that i never thought I’d find. God is good!
Thanks so much! Congrats on your recent nuptials.
I love your photo, J! 🙂 And what a great way to work through a bumpy season. What attracted me to my hubby – how he listened. I don’t know why but most guys I met seemed to like to talk about themselves! And that used to drive me nuts because I like intelligent conversation. Not one sided monologue. He however was different; he asked questions and was sooo impressed by ideas, dreams, work, writing. My mundane was like gold! And that made me feel smart and beautiful, inside out.
Aw, that sounds wonderful! I know exactly what you mean. Many blessings, Ngina!
This is why I love this blog-it’s so personal!!! Thanks so much for sharing!
What first attracted me to my wife was her strong leadership ability. She was also looking for a Christian husband who was strong enough to lead her spiritually. All her other boy-friends did not lead her (I found this out after later). After we were married we two “type A” personalities often came to butt heads. I still am attracted to my wife’s strong leadership, and over the years she has learned to love to follow my lead especially in spiritual matters.
That’s so interesting! Because I have often maintained that strong men are not threatened by strong women. I’m a pretty strong personality, but I don’t have a problem with my husband being the leader in our home.
My husband and I started dating in high school at 17, but we had known each other for a few years before that. He was a little dorky (still is!) but very sweet and very respectful. I remember when I told him that I was waiting to have sex until I was married, his response was “ok.” No pressure. No bargaining. Just total agreement. This surprised me because he wasn’t a Christian when we first started dating so I honestly didn’t expect our relationship to go very far. (He ended up getting saved about a year into our relationship!) He’s into science and tech and his humor is very punny and corny and he can ALWAYS make me laugh, even when I’m in a bad mood. He’s also an incredibly hard worker who’s primary concern is taking care of his family. He’s a pretty awesome guy.
Great entry. this may sound like a crazy idea, but one thing I started doing from close to the beginning of our relationship was writing down things I loved about him, or little things he did (either for me, or just in general) that displayed the things I loved about him. I figured it would give me a list to look back on during those times when I became frustrated or angry with him, to remember what I loved so much. He’s an excellent listener. He has a great imagination. I feel safe sharing my heart and dreams with him, because even when they probably are silly, he doesn’t treat them that way. He’s fun. He seems to understand some of the crazy female things that even I don’t. Example: I’m trying to grow my hair longer. A new stylist I went to cut way more off than I wanted, and I was upset to the point of tears. Most guys I know would have been like, “So what, it’s just hair.” He held me and let me cry, and because he likes my long hair, I think he was just as annoyed with said stylist as I was. He’s taught me that being feminine doesn’t have to be synonymous with being weak, as I used to think. He’s a strong leader, and respects that I’m a strong woman. I could go on, but I won’t. LOL.
I think that’s a great idea! Thanks for sharing it.
What first attracted me to my husband was his passion for telling people about Jesus. When I met him, he was everything I didn’t look for in a husband. One night when we were hanging out, though, he suddenly started sharing about how he loves going to South America and reaching the unreached tribes in the heart of the Amazon Jungle to tell them about Jesus. Something inside me clicked at that moment! Suddenly, he was the most desirable man on the planet. Our relationship started a week later, and we were married this past June. I will be joining him on a missions trip to the jungle in January 2017. God used him to not only give me a companion for life, but also to reignite the desire in me to “Go out into all the world…” God is faithful.
When my husband and I first met I had been following Jesus for a few years and was praying for a partner who shared my love for God and desire to serve Him. What’s so funny, he wasn’t exactly that…. yet. What really attracted me to him at first, beyond the physical, super awesome stuffs, was his genuine desire to learn about God. Our first date was awesome in every way and tee totally fun… Our next date was the equivalent of church, me and him sitting in the floor of my room with my beloved good old trusty bible pouring over scriptures, discussing what we had read and talking about life. A week after we met he fully surrendered his life to Jesus! I thank God every day for allowing me to see and be a part of his growth in Him. I am so grateful to have a partner whom I trust fully and who loves and understands me, quirks and all. God is truly good!
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