Hot, Holy & Humorous

Q&A with J: Doesn’t She Really Want a Bigger Penis?

One of my most popular post continues to be Penis Size: From the Wife’s Point of View. So I’m not surprised that this issue continues to be on husband’s minds. Here are two related emails from readers:

I read your article on Penis size. There seems to be a lot of truth in it from my experience but some claims do not tally with my experience….My wife tells me she can feel my presence deep within her and she enjoys that feeling.

I stumbled across your webpage by googling “Does size matter?” and found your blog. I am the husband asking this because I wonder if my wife really deep inside wishes I was bigger.

Q&A with J: Doesn't She Really Want a Bigger Penis? with ruler

I have talked to a lot of women about this and done quite a bit of research. Thus, let me break down more fully what I know.

Penises are big.

For almost every woman, the first time she sees a penis and thinks about it fitting inside her, she’s like whoathat huge thing? We even talked about this in a recent Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode on male anatomy.

With the exception of a medical condition called micropenis (which is 2.5 standard deviations below average, and only 1.5 in 10,000 men have that), the penis is big enough to make her stretch, to provide friction, and to feel good.

Bigger penises might reach deeper.

Studies now show that yes, women who engage with longer penises may report some additional pleasure because there could be the potential to reach deeper erogenous zones.

But it’s not a given, and those zones can be reached in other ways. A guy with an average-sized penis can use sexual positioning and angles to hit “just that right spot,” if she’s so inclined. Moreover, you have your fingers too, which can curve and reach in ways your penis cannot.

Your penis isn’t the best way for her to orgasm.

Most women don’t reach orgasm through vaginal penetration anyway. The vast majority of orgasms for a woman are from direct clitoral stimulation, rather than the indirect stimulation intercourse provides.

If you really want to get her going, check out my recent post on the “golden trio”: These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm.

Committed wives value their husband’s penis.

When I receive a complaint from a woman about her man’s penis size, it’s always from a woman who isn’t in a committed marriage. I was about to type “almost always,” but then I realized the only exception I could think of was a guy who actually had that micropenis medical condition.

Every other time, it’s been from a promiscuous woman whose enjoyment of sex is more linked to some physical high than the deeper, and truly better, emotional, physical, and even spiritual connection that can happen in the marriage bed. From everything I’ve heard, wives in good marriages like their husband’s penis just fine.

From everything I've heard, wives in good marriages like their husband's penis just fine. Share on X

It’s not the size of the tool, but its effectiveness.

Finally, women are more impressed with what you can do with your body parts than whether Mr. Happy can stand up an extra half-inch. If you want your wife to think you’re absolutely awesome, don’t sweat penis size so much; think about how to give her more pleasure.

For instance, link your penis being inside her with a clitoral orgasm that has her eyes rolling back in her head. You can do this by stroking her clitoris with your hand (make sure the area’s lubricated) during intercourse, or encourage her to use her own hand. Then when her muscles spasm, the presence (and thus size) of your penis will feel especially good.

That’s about it. I suspect your wife is content with your penis. But you can always explore more ways to make lovemaking more meaningful and pleasurable for both of you.

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40 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Doesn’t She Really Want a Bigger Penis?”

  1. I’ve been married twice. My ex was quite large and my husband now is probably a little less than average. I hated sex with my ex husband. I would become dry quite easily and have lower abdominal pain at times after and because of the easy dryness I’d often have soreness and itching. So not much pleasure. So from my own experience smaller is much more pleasurable.

  2. It’s amazing how we men can be so confident in some areas and so insecure in others. I know everything you have said is true, because I’ve done huge amounts of research on this myself due to my own fears of inadequacy. Even though my wife has never been with any other man but me, and she’s never complained about anything related to my penis (except pain sometimes), I still had thoughts of “does she wish it was bigger?”

    Honestly the bigger issue is that it goes too far in and causes occasional pain in certain positions, and yet it seems I need constant reassurance that I’m enough. I know this is because of messages out media and culture send (it’s one area where body shaming is perfectly acceptable in PC culture) or because of hearing some women say how great a large penis is, but either way all of us men need to understand that we are good enough just as we are in this department.

    Unlike body fat or fitness or any other health related thing, we were given the penis we were given by God and he intended for us to have the one we have. That should be good enough for me.

  3. I talk to a lot of women about sex (though not as much as you, J!) and I have never once heard a wife complain that she wishes her husband‘s penis were bigger. Not once. Whereas I’ve heard several wives complain that their husband is actually too big and it hurts them. I am still of the mindset that when it comes to penis size, bigger is *not* necessarily better! In the same way that some women get really hung up on not having the perfect body, I think a lot of men care a whole lot more about penis size than their wives do!

  4. This: “For almost every woman, the first time she sees a penis and thinks about it fitting inside her, she’s like whoa—that huge thing?” FOR REAL. One of God’s great, creative mysteries.

  5. Me too, KJ! It took 22 hours before we could have sex on our wedding night as my husband slowly stretched my tight hymen with his fingers (he was as gentle as he could be, but I sobbed in his arms after he finally pushed through and broke it). How much I wished at that point that he was only 1 finger thick! 😛

  6. It’s honestly a question that never occurred to me; training to run around foreign lands with people shooting at me and then DOING it took my entire fascination, my entire enthusiasm.

    I didn’t care how big the thing was, or how effective. The important thing about it was hygiene; jungle rot there can be a huge distraction.

    After watching a romantic comedy, I recently remarked to my wife that I understood that most men feeel some sort of ‘relationship’ with their male member, but could not understand why.

    She replied, “I guess God needed a different kind of hard man to go to places which even the angels avoid.”

    She hates my past and what it made me; her love, understanding, and compassion go on, and are far more blessing than one could ever deserve.

  7. This is a natural by-product of a world that doesn’t value virginity before marriage. Plus, it is a shallow bullying tactic on the part of those with larger ones to put down those with smaller ones (or even the promiscuous unmarried finding approval over the married). When the quality is in how the whole man uses his member the promotion of quantity become childish, foolish, & compensating for lack. It’s almost embarrassing that I want to hear the words of approval when the approval is there when she keeps coming back with fervor.

  8. I only have experience with my husband, but I can certainly agree with the statement that my first thought was “Oh my goodness, how will that ever fit!” But everything works fine for us. I think it’s normal for us as people to exaggerate or underestimate things that we feel vulnerable about but which others find no fault with. My husband also sees beauty in part of myself that I never thought were worth anything. In a way, it’s a way that we reflect God’s love to our spouse, by seeing in him/her a glory that no one else can see.

  9. J., you are right on the mark about what women think when they first see ‘it’. On my wedding night, I was thinking, ‘Oh no!’ LOL. I never cease to be fascinated by what that thing can do. Sure glad I don’t have one!

  10. My husband is larger than average. It hurts- it’s frustrating to have to stop when things are going well because suddenly I’m in pain. Sometimes I feel bruised internally as well, even though he’s a very considerate lover. There are certain positions I just cannot bear because of the discomfort. I love my husband, and I’m very blessed by him, so I don’t want someone to think I’m complaining or discontent. Not at all. Just wanted to share honestly.

    1. These comments are also what I’ve heard: The more common complaint is “he’s too big.”

      I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but this often gets better over time, and it’s especially important for you to have enough foreplay and lubrication. Also, him letting you influence or control the speed and angle of his entry can help.

  11. My wife has had 2 affairs (that I know of). And though we don’t have sex anymore (because I have started to refuse it to protect myself) It is something that enters my mind quite often. Were they bigger than me? Did they use it more effectively than me? Why did she want them more than me?
    I have to be satisfied with never having the answers to those questions. Though I never thought I would be in this position and after doing everything possible to encourage reconciliation, I am ready for divorce. She will not do the work of repentance, accountability, and reconciliation. I just hate the doubts that all of this leaves in my mind.

    1. I cannot imagine that’s what it was, but I ache for you. May God bring healing to your life!

      1. J,
        Thanks, I know that wasn’t the issue. It’s probably just a guy thing. In the same way a woman whose spouse has committed adultery probably compares body type, breast size, or beauty to the affair partner, and in reality it has nothing to do with any of those things. Body/beauty isn’t the real issue, sin is. But the betrayed heart and mind searches for something to make sense of it all.

        1. My husband was a widower with a long and happy marriage, and believe me, I, as I imagine many men and women in the same position will do, wonder how I ‘measure up’. But it’s just inappropriate to ask and I simply refuse to get into that. I know it won’t amount to anything helpful to me personally or our marriage.

  12. It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion…of..the….ocean that counts….
    I woild also think a,women would also want a man with good hands connected to his loving heart and brain…and know how to use them gently.

  13. Touchy subject, I have to admit after I graduated from High School nearly 40 years ago, I wish I had 10″ because I was made to believe (from those with a locker room mentality) that is what girls wanted.

    I discovered otherwise through intimate mentoring and reading a self-help book written by a woman, that a woman doesn’t want to be pounded or endure pain what they want is to have intimate fulfillment.

    In fact in most cases. a well endowed man, is capable of not hurting a woman if he takes his time and allows the woman to control movements, slow and unhurried. Also an average sized man (even below average) if he doesn’t allow the woman to moisten up, he can cause the woman pain.

    I’m also made to believe that in many cases, that a man and woman if they take their time during slow love making, they can slightly angle his penis so the head can touch the g-spot for extra stimulation.
    (whether he is larger or smaller)

    So in reality I see advantages with any size in a man, when he is making love slow, as it will allow the woman’s arousal to climb and drive her nuts, as she moistens.

    A man that is very large, may not cause her arousal to climb, especially if he is hurting her. Giving the “advantage” to the man that is less endowed who is using his equipment like teasing play thing as he tries to anle his head on her g-spot.

    1. 10 inches?! Good gravy, no! But yes to this: “I see advantages with any size in a man, when he is making love slow…” 🙂

      1. yes 10″, teenagers will believe anything they hear.

        Many didn’t have parents to mentor their kids to understand the power of emotionally connecting with a life partner. That left society to mentor many to embrace a locker room/porn like mentality teaching us that sex is a performance instead of an experience.

        Slow sex isn’t too complicated, the man needs to control his urge to “let go” too soon. This elevates her arousal to climb all the way to the tallest trees tops. (and mine as well, as the intimate ache on my shaft and testicles is causing the urge to let go even more, but I actually enjoy the feeling of extreme arousal building up, which for me causes my eventual eruption to be more euphoric and explosive vs 10 minutes of in and out intimacy.

        Sometimes inserting just part of my penis inside takes her arousal to a place I call intimate torture. (which proves size doesn’t matter, but rather the experience of intimacy and bonding in the most personal way that God made possible)

        I think it is possible to keep a woman to the top until she is going insane, like a little kitty stuck on top of the roof needing to be rescued. He can do that with near motionless penetration with an occasional 3 or 4 fast thrusts’ as a way to tease, but then slowing it down.

        She likes to squeeze her vaginal muscles while I’m inside and I’ll flex my penis.

  14. I think that porn culture has much to do with this. One of the biggest lies porn promulgates is that you must have a really large penis in order to satisfy a woman. And if you watch enough, at some point you may wonder if you “measure up.” It’s dangerous on so many levels. As men, we have to guard our minds from that influence, and instead pour that energy into pleasing our wives, and trust me, everyone will be happier!

  15. To comment on what Mark said, above, I teach sociology and when I talk about the Anglo-Saxon roots of the English language, I point out that the ‘f’ word means, literally, to strike, and that we (men, actually) use expressions like ‘I’d hit that’ or ‘pound’, etc. and I ask my students to reflect on that for a while. One theory (Sapir-Whorf) suggests that the way we think about our world is influenced by the language we speak.

    1. Lynn, we should make sociology a required class.

      We live in an abusive society. Maybe the divorce is less than 50% nationwide, but in my mom and dad’s side it is 50%. In the Baptist Church I attend it is greater than 50%, though many of those have moved on.

      Many aren’t being properly mentored, whether they aren’t being taught in schools or aren’t being led by example from their parents, in how we communicate with our partner really matters. How we think matters. Choices we make matters.

      Your “F” word analogy is a good example (force feeding our will or worse physical abuse) and for kids to grow up without proper refinement or parents that act as if they hate each other more than they love each other it is a bumpy road for them especially when they hit teenage years.

      I have heard several individuals in my high school (40 years ago) their version of what a girl wants, rough, fast and furious (and painfully large) when I discovered later they were out to lunch.

      I think what elementary and high schools should be teaching, is good manners, stop saying mean things and to address the bullying problem that appears to be getting worse thanks to social media giving bullies the tools to cyber attack someone.

        1. Yes, 1/3 is too high.

          In the Baptist Church I attend (the only church in town) the divorce rate is above 50%, though many of those attenders moved away. Both my parents were divorced as well, but not to each other, as they never got married.

  16. So, I’ve heard a lot about how slow sensual sex is the absolute best for a woman, and I have to say as a man that I really enjoy it that way most of the time too. I want to let the moment linger and to really take a long time letting everything build up and to enjoy it for the long haul. I want to drag it out and be teased.

    My wife is not this way. In fact, I would say that she responds to the type of hard, pounding type thrusting … (once she is stretched out and properly lubricated). She doesn’t like to be teased and she doesn’t love slow sex as much, if the sounds and uncontrollable body spasms are any indication. Unlike most other women, she also orgasms hardest not from oral or manual stimulation, but from intense PIV. So, I have no idea what ratio of women are like my wife, but I can’t imagine that she’s alone.

  17. Brian,,
    I think most women want a certain amount of aggressive penetrating. (but not painful) You did make an interesting point in that your spouse needs to be stretched and well lubricated so there must be some form of foreplay to prepare her for heavier thrusting.

    I myself can’t always go fast, otherwise I will release my seed too soon. On numerous occasions when my wife “needs” more aggressive penetrating, I will ask her if she wants me to release my seed and she’ll gasp and say “no”. So in the mean time, I will take her to the edge as far as I can, which creates more intimate urgency which elevates her arousal, which she likes.

    But in the end, the act of making love is a bonding experience, so for me, if I let go too soon, that shortens the time of actual penetrative bonding between my wife and I. So she is willing to sacrifice being intimately tortured, because of my lack of control of being unable to withhold my seed if I go fast and furious, until she is ready for me to “let go” and start thrusting harder.

    Interesting how intimacy works so uniquely, with likes and dislikes not being the same between different couples.

  18. D said, “I think that porn culture has much to do with this. One of the biggest lies porn promulgates is that you must have a really large penis in order to satisfy a woman. And if you watch enough, at some point you may wonder if you “measure up.”


    & I can’t help but wonder did it all start out this way because a bigger penis is better seen on camera? Or maybe someone sometime said let’s use a huge penis because every one loves a good freak show! Right bearded lady?

    All this time we thought porn had our best interest at heart. Lol.

  19. I started laughing between exasperated sighs when reading this.
    Like most women the first time I saw my husband erect (wedding night) I was like O.O !!! How’s that ever going to work?!
    It worked out. But occasionally one gets hit in the cervix. That is no fun at all.

    So NO. Your wife almost certainly doesn’t wish you were bigger. And if she isn’t currently enjoying sex, it being bigger is likely to make it worse, not better. Specially if it’s a pain issue.

    10”?! I think most women would run for the hills, screaming. Honestly. Don’t guys learn any anatomy? You’d think being as fascinated as they are they’d learn some actual facts.

    1. alchemist,

      I was about 17 when I was told that 10″ is what women wanted, being the gullible teenager I was, I believed it,, haha

      Fortunately, I later discovered that I was lied to.

      1. I literally just pulled out the ruler that’s right by my desk, looked at 10″ inches, and thought, “Oh, no, no, no…” How long did you poor guys think women’s hoohas were? (Don’t answer that. Lol.)

  20. Believe it or not, I thought 12” was the “ideal” size and semi-common. No ideal why and it’s kinda crazy to think about now.

  21. J and readers,

    Thank you for posting this article and all the help that you freely give to the community of believers.

    I would like to ask a question and not come across as too condemning or condescending, but as one who is search of a legitimate answer from a trustworthy source.

    I have gathered from reader’s submitted questions on multiple blogs, reader’s comments on size related posts, and a majority of the females I know that women who are pure couldn’t care less about size, but promiscuous women nearly 100% of the time report that size does matter. These promiscuous women, I assume, have repented and returned to Christ.

    My question is: can these promiscuous women “forget” or change their mind about their size requirements? It appears they all favor much larger than average men, but are all excited to get married to a (statistically speaking) average man.

    Thanks for all that you do!

    1. Short answer: Yes.

      Because the emotional and spiritual connection are part of what makes sex really great for a woman, and at some point the scales tip in favor of having many more wonderful sexual experiences with your husband than anyone before so that becomes the standard. Really. Truly.

  22. I’m sure this is true for many women. I would suspect that if there are other issues going on in the relationship, both sexual and non-sexual, there might be a tendency for a woman in such a situation to not be happy with the size of her husband’s penis. I’m not a woman, but I am a man who had significant issues with my wife’s willingness to have sex with me, and in my frustration I sometimes found it hard not to point out all her many faults, both physical and otherwise, in my own mind.

  23. Gabriel in Kansas

    Thank you for this article and for all of the comments and responses. My wife and I have been in a season of growth in our 27 year marriage. I came to our union a virgin. She had prior relationships and marriage. Recently we’ve been working with a Christian relationship coach and the topic has turned to sex. It turns out that b my wife is a woman for whom size actually matters. She’s been dissatisfied since the beginning. We are working thru that with grace and compassion. I do wish she would have said something. Then again I’ve always felt inferior. It’s something I’ve known. I am wonderful at serving her with pleasure with other parts of my body and my mind. She compliments me on those things. But I’m not so sure about the adage that I’m perfect size for her. I wish I was. But she likes what she likes. I can’t really argue with that. So. We are working with our coach on how to best meet that desire and need of hers. It’s been challenging for me and my body issue for sure.
    Anyway. Your blog is helpful to me as I work through this.

    1. I read this with sadness. I don’t really understand that position from her, but I appreciate your desire to do whatever is in your power to address it and experience the best sexual intimacy you can have. Praying for you.

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