Tag Archives: blow job

Is Giving a “Blow Job” Enjoyable for the Wife?

A husband in my Facebook community recently posed the question of “what is it that the ladies enjoy so much about giving [oral sex]?” He explained that he didn’t mind giving to her, but felt awkward about the reverse and didn’t understand why a wife would enjoy that activity.

I held onto the question for a bit, mulling over how to answer. As much as possible, I avoid giving any reader a peek into my own marriage bed and/or getting too graphic. However, since I believe fellatio — oral sex for him — can be quite enjoyable for the wife, it seemed like something worth spotlighting.

So why would a blow job be enjoyable for a wife to give?

The present she gives.

Sometimes a wife gives a husband oral sex as a gift. It’s a way of showing that she cares about his sexual pleasure and wants to arouse and satisfy him. This can include giving a blow job when she’s out of commission, due to health issues or menstruation or other factors.

She thus derives enjoyment from being able to offer this wonderful present to her husband, knowing that she alone can gift him in this way. It’s simply one way of living out selfless love in the marriage bed. And doing good can feel good.

The power she possesses.

Much of a woman’s experience sexually is as the responder. Even if she is the higher-drive spouse and/or initiated the sexual encounter, her body receives manual or oral stimulation of her erogenous zones and intercourse is penetration by another. Turning the tables can give her a sense of potency.

She may enjoy watching the effect she has on her husband, how she can drive him wild with her mouth. It’s one of the few times in sex when the man seems to fully surrender — putty in her hands. It’s a sweet feeling to know the power she possesses to stimulate and satiate her husband.

The pleasure she feels.

Most husbands don’t lie back like dockside fish, either still or wildly flopping while oral sex is being performed on them. They respond with touches back to her head, her shoulders, her breasts, wherever he can reach. They make sounds of arousal. Their muscles clench and release. Their penis and testicles twitch or lift or shift. And to her, all that can be sexy, and therefore pleasurable.

Many wives become aroused while performing fellatio. They might be surprised at first to be focused so much on his sexual pleasure, then reach down to find their own body excited, but it happens. Turning him turns her on.

The passion she pursues.

Adding oral sex to your marriage bed expands your sexual repertoire, and variety is perhaps not the spice of life, but it is spicy. And it’s not an everyday thing for most couples, so much of the time, fellatio happens when she is feeling particularly passionate — passionate enough to put her mouth on or around her husband’s most private part. 

There’s also an implied recognition that his genitalia are appealing and sexy. Getting that up-close-and-personal can show she’s got a big crush on Junior. (Oh, every guy’s dream… Breathe easy, y’all.)

The support he shows.

Meanwhile, what can a husband do to make this experience good for his wife? Well, my best tips are in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Want more straight talk? Check out this book for wives!

But in general, you can make this mutually enjoyable by:

  • Telling her what feels good. Since she obviously wants you to be pleasured, direct her to your most sensitive spots and/or indicate with words or sounds when something feels particularly good.
  • Letting her remain mostly in control. That is, don’t press her head against you or pressure her to “deep throat,” especially if she has a strong gag reflex.
  • Cooperate with what she needs to make it more comfortable. If she’s reluctant to give oral sex or swallow, be willing to wear a condom for easier clean-up, keep a towel by the bed, warn her when you’re about to ejaculate — that sort of thing.
  • Making sure she gets a full opportunity to orgasm too. If you ejaculate during oral sex, that’s not necessarily the end. She may want a round two where she gets to climax.
  • Giving her a chance to recover. She may need time afterward to clean up, and she may also need a while before she performs fellatio again. Even those who like it may see it as more of a treat than a regular activity.
  • Thanking her when you’re done. Many wives respond well to being appreciated for their effort.

For wives who don’t like it.

If you’re one of those wives who does not enjoy giving oral sex, I encourage you to read the “Oral Sex” chapter in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. The following posts may also address your concerns:

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What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)

True story: Some husbands really want oral sex from their wives, and their wives are adamantly against it.

Other than concerns about whether it’s okay with God, the most cited reasons I hear for wives withholding this sexual act are hygiene and the ick factor. I’ve discussed hygiene and reassured wives that there is nothing problematic about that (unless one of you currently has a sexually transmitted disease or infection).

Today I want to tackle the ick factor — the I just don’t want to put his thing in my mouth! issue. Because when your husband says he wants oral sex, it may not be what you think.

Set of lips + blog post title

When we hear “oral sex” or “blow job,” we imagine a woman’s mouth enveloping the penis, then the man thrusting in and out to reach an apex of pleasure. But in actuality, a lot of oral sex doesn’t look like that picture.

Oral sex only means one or both of you are using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitalia. That’s it. You’re not required to engulf your husband’s penis into your mouth. If you’re nervous about that, and I understand some wives really are, you have many other options you can explore:

  • Kissing the head of his penis
  • Licking the head of his penis
  • Sucking the head of his penis
  • Kissing the shaft of his penis
  • Licking the shaft of his pens
  • Kissing his testicles (as always, be careful and gentle!)

While down there, you can also vary your kisses and your sucking, from peck kisses to licking kisses, and from light sucking on the skin to more pressured sucking of the penis. You can also use your tongue in a gazillion ways, or at least a lot — flicking, licking, twirling, pumping, etc.

It doesn’t have to look like a classic “blow job” for your husband to enjoy your mouth on his manhood. He may be thrilled for your lips to simply kiss and lick the soft head of his penis. Your tongue licking the length of his shaft may send him right over the edge. He might adore you adding mouth contact while you’re giving him a hand job, or he’s taking care of that part, stacking one pleasure on top of another.

Ask him.

Ask what he means when he says he wants oral sex. If you don’t want to do something he suggests, maybe there is a form of oral play you’d be willing to do and you can negotiate. You might even discover that using your mouth for his pleasure gives you pleasure as well.

Put frankly: You don’t have to swallow him or his stuff to have oral sex. Just start with light kisses and progress from there. God made that skin on your husband so sensitive, and it might make your hubby very happy to have some added oral attention there.

Okay, guys — yes, I’m asking specifically from the hubbies — what oral sex would you be happy for your wife to perform? (Of course, wives are always welcome to comment too!)

Oral Sex: How To

Here’s a glimpse at my internal conversation while preparing for this post:

Self 1: I should do a post on giving blow jobs.

Self 2: What are you going to say about blow jobs?

Self 1: You know, a how to.

Self 2: You’re going to describe how to give a blow job? Are you crazy!

Self 1: Some wives might want a little coaching.

Self 2: Are you actually going to call it a “blow job”?

Self 1: That’s what everyone calls it.

Self 2: How about “fellatio”?

Self 1: If I call it fellatio, no one will know what I’m talking about.

Self 2: How about “the thing that must not be named.”

Self 1: Isn’t that Voldemort from Harry Potter?

Self 2: Your brain is too distracted.

Self 1: Not when I’m giving a blow job. I’m really focused then.

Self 2: So that you don’t choke?

Self 1: Well, yeah. And because it’s kinda hot. You know, “his fruit is sweet to my taste,” from Song of Songs?

Self 2: So you’re actually going to talk about this in public?

Self 1: Um, maybe.

Self 2: Well, if you do, don’t take me down with you.

Self 1: “Take me down with you.” That’s funny.

Self 2: *rolls eyes*

Wonder Woman: "Oh No, you DIDN'T!"

Oh yes, I did.

I have indeed wondered for some time if there is a way to discuss this topic and give advice without getting way too private and graphic. I had the benefit of receiving some tips from a friend many years back, and they were quite helpful. I could have learned that on my own, with coaching from my husband, but it made trying oral sex with him a much better experience from the get-go.

I doubt that some wives have access to that kind of information. Moreover, sources that describe how to give a “blow job” usually do not have a Christian perspective and may use photography or graphic images. Perhaps some have learned how to from watching a porn film.

Here’s the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don’t need to try it to know I don’t need to try it.

The point is, some husbands would like their wives to “go down” on them. Some wives would be willing to give it a shot or want to try it again. Some of those wives feel that they don’t know what to do or how to do it. So here I go. I will give a short How To lesson on giving a blow job. Warning: If you do not want to read blatant advice about this topic, click away now.

Do you really blow? No. Please do not treat your husband’s opening like the end of a balloon and attempt to inflate it with your breath. I have no idea why it is called a blow job. There’s no blowing that I know of. A blow job is merely the slang term for a woman inserting a man’s penis into her mouth. What happens after that determines whether it is a good blow job or a lame one.

Male genitals illustration

How much of his penis do I put in my mouth? It can vary. You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband’s penis (see below). This isn’t about swallowing your husband. It’s about providing oral stimulation to his sensitive genital area. While providing oral stimulation, you will need to breathe mostly through your nose.

What do I do with my mouth? We’ve established that you don’t blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation. These can be small licks around the ridge, head, and tip, or longer licks up and down the shaft of the penis to the head. With the penis inside your mouth, you can also pump your tongue a little to increase pressure. Sucking also increases the pressure, especially as you move your mouth up and down his penis. You can add add your hand to the mix; that is, simultaneously use your hand(s) to provide slight pressure and a different feel as your mouth works. This is going to sound super-weird, but for the first time out, imagine the head of the penis as an ice cream cone and the shaft as a fudgsicle. That might help a little.

Where does it feel best for him? The greatest concentration of nerve endings is in the head of a man’s penis. While stimulating the shaft also feels good, the ridge between the shaft and head, the head itself, and the tip are all more sensitive. Licking, sucking, and oral pressure in that area will likely feel particularly good. That said, you can’t just hang out there doing the same thing over and over. The best sex involves variation, and that goes for oral sex as well.

What is “deep-throating”? To deep throat during a blow job means to put the penis so far into your mouth that the head makes contact with your throat. The throat is a tighter space and can provide more pressure and friction. Here’s some advice if you want to give it a try: Open your throat and widen your mouth to an aperture larger than your husband’s penis so that you can continue to breathe around it. Also, don’t expect to stay in that position for long. You can throat the tip and then move back out. The motion may feel better to your husband anyway.

Should I spit or swallow? Some women do not want semen in their mouth, period — either because they do not want to waste the sperm (a principle in Catholicism, I believe) or because they are simply repulsed by the thought of this liquid in their mouth. If you are one of them, you need to make sure that you pull your mouth away well in advance. If your husband reaches the “point of no return,” he will begin ejaculation whether your mouth is there or not.

If you are willing to allow his ejaculate into your mouth, then you have to figure out what to do. First, you should know that swallowing semen is not in any way harmful to your body. Second, you might ask whether it would offend you if your husband gave you oral sex but made a big deal about disliking your lubrication. Third, if you don’t want to swallow, be polite about spitting. Have a cup handy on the night table or somewhere nearby, hold the liquid in your mouth, and then spit it into the cup. You can always go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and/or use mouthwash to clear out the taste. For those willing to swallow, the consistency and taste of semen can vary; its consistency is maybe like a beaten egg but it tastes sweet to salty. If you’re worried about your waistline, semen contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose and ranges between 5 to 25 calories — hardly a diet killer.

What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don’t like it? Will I have to do it again? There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it. That said, I suggest that you ask yourself what you didn’t enjoy about the experience. Did you dislike certain sensations? Did your jaw hurt? (It might.) Is the problem something that could be adjusted the next time around? If you genuinely do not want to engage in this activity in the future, tell your husband. Try not to say something like, “That was so yuck!” He may take it personally that you don’t want to make oral contact with his manhood. You can simply explain that you felt very uncomfortable and that you prefer other activities as part of your sex life. You might even suggest one. Perhaps you don’t want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.

How can my husband help to make this a positive experience? I would say the first caveat is that you should be allowed to remain in control of your mouth. That is, if you need to pull away and take a break, then he should understand that. In a moment of extreme pleasure, a man might want to hold his wife’s head and pull her mouth into him. This often isn’t a good idea; men are stronger than they sometimes realize, and this action can make it difficult for the woman to control the motions in such a way that she remains comfortable throughout. Another point is that husbands should communicate what feels good. He can either talk you through it or make happy noises when you’ve hit a really great spot. You can even talk ahead of time so that he can show you on his penis where his most pleasurable places are. You can discuss how it felt afterward so that you know what worked best and what he might like next time. Finally, he can affirm you. A constant for many women is that we like to be appreciated when we go out of our way to do something. Well, here’s an opportunity for a husband to say nice things about his wife for her willingness to focus the sexual experience on his pleasure. (Note: Some wives also get a lot of pleasure from giving blow jobs.)

For those of you who now need to want that image out of your heads, imagine this in your mouth instead:

chocolate cake

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

So as nervous as I am to now open the floor, what do you think? Are any of these tips helpful? Do you have any of your own? (Note: I do moderate comments. You may wish to read my Comments standards.) Do you like or dislike oral sex? Have you even tried it?

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

–Songs of Songs 2:3

Note: If your husband has a sexually-transmitted disease or you are worried he may have one, then you should not perform oral sex on him since STDs can spread with oral-genital contact.

Link: For a discussion on whether oral sex is okay in God’s eyes, see Intimacy in Marriage’s post on Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral Sex.