A husband in my closed Facebook group recently posed the question of “what is it that the ladies enjoy so much about giving [oral sex]?” He explained that he didn’t mind giving to her, but felt awkward about the reverse and didn’t understand why a wife would enjoy that activity.
I held onto the question for a bit, mulling over how to answer. As much as possible, I avoid giving any reader a peek into my own marriage bed and/or getting too graphic. However, since I believe fellatio — oral sex for him — can be quite enjoyable for the wife, it seemed like something worth spotlighting.
So why would a blow job be enjoyable for a wife to give?
The present she gives.
Sometimes a wife gives a husband oral sex as a gift. It’s a way of showing that she cares about his sexual pleasure and wants to arouse and satisfy him. This can include giving a blow job when she’s out of commission, due to health issues or menstruation or other factors.
She thus derives enjoyment from being able to offer this wonderful present to her husband, knowing that she alone can gift him in this way. It’s simply one way of living out selfless love in the marriage bed. And doing good can feel good.
The power she possesses.
Much of a woman’s experience sexually is as the responder. Even if she is the higher-drive spouse and/or initiated the sexual encounter, her body receives manual or oral stimulation of her erogenous zones and intercourse is penetration by another. Turning the tables can give her a sense of potency.
She may enjoy watching the effect she has on her husband, how she can drive him wild with her mouth. It’s one of the few times in sex when the man seems to fully surrender — putty in her hands. It’s a sweet feeling to know the power she possesses to stimulate and satiate her husband.
The pleasure she feels.
Most husbands don’t lie back like dockside fish, either still or wildly flopping while oral sex is being performed on them. They respond with touches back to her head, her shoulders, her breasts, wherever he can reach. They make sounds of arousal. Their muscles clench and release. Their penis and testicles twitch or lift or shift. And to her, all that can be sexy, and therefore pleasurable.
Many wives become aroused while performing fellatio. They might be surprised at first to be focused so much on his sexual pleasure, then reach down to find their own body excited, but it happens. Turning him turns her on.
The passion she pursues.
Adding oral sex to your marriage bed expands your sexual repertoire, and variety is perhaps not the spice of life, but it is spicy. And it’s not an everyday thing for most couples, so much of the time, fellatio happens when she is feeling particularly passionate — passionate enough to put her mouth on or around her husband’s most private part.
There’s also an implied recognition that his genitalia are appealing and sexy. Getting that up-close-and-personal can show she’s got a big crush on Junior. (Oh, every guy’s dream… Breathe easy, y’all.)
The support he shows.
Meanwhile, what can a husband do to make this experience good for his wife? Well, my best tips are in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.
But in general, you can make this mutually enjoyable by:
- Telling her what feels good. Since she obviously wants you to be pleasured, direct her to your most sensitive spots and/or indicate with words or sounds when something feels particularly good.
- Letting her remain mostly in control. That is, don’t press her head against you or pressure her to “deep throat,” especially if she has a strong gag reflex.
- Cooperate with what she needs to make it more comfortable. If she’s reluctant to give oral sex or swallow, be willing to wear a condom for easier clean-up, keep a towel by the bed, warn her when you’re about to ejaculate — that sort of thing.
- Making sure she gets a full opportunity to orgasm too. If you ejaculate during oral sex, that’s not necessarily the end. She may want a round two where she gets to climax.
- Giving her a chance to recover. She may need time afterward to clean up, and she may also need a while before she performs fellatio again. Even those who like it may see it as more of a treat than a regular activity.
- Thanking her when you’re done. Many wives respond well to being appreciated for their effort.
For wives who don’t like it.
If you’re one of those wives who does not enjoy giving oral sex, I encourage you to read the “Oral Sex” chapter in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. The following posts may also address your concerns:
- Q&A with J: Should You Just Swallow Already?
- 5 Things You Should Know about Oral Sex
- Q&A with J: Oral Sex, Good Habits, and “Ladies First” Orgasm
The key linchpin being: you will never know unless you try it!!
My wife thinks that oral sex is gross. I have given her oral sex and does not want to reciprocate. As a gentleman, I have not requested oral from her. I hope other Christian husbands would do the same.
I totally agree that you shouldn’t demand or pressure your spouse for a specific sexual activity. But when I hear stuff like that, I always wonder why a wife feels that way.
The only answers I’ve ever gotten is “It’s gross”, “It’s slimy”, and “I hate doing that”
I’m always curious, so I’d be asking follow-up questions. “What about it seems to gross to you?” “What about just licking, but no putting it in your mouth?” “Would it work better if I wore a condom?” But of course I’m not suggesting you pressure her!
Or perhaps the husband could shower directly before sex so he’s completely clean and smells fresh down there. (Make sure it’s totally dried off and has no lube or lotion on it so it doesn’t seem “slimy”). Proper hair grooming down there also makes oral sex easier & more enjoyable to give too since you don’t have to worry about long stray hairs getting in your mouth. And maybe they could start out by her only licking or sucking for a short while before the precum starts coming out. The precum kind of grossed me out too in the beginning which I don’t think is an abnormal reaction for a wife, but I eventually got used to it as more oral sex was given. Like J said, never pressure the wife to do an act, but ask questions and communicate the why’s instead (i.e. why you’d like to experience this, why you enjoy her doing this to you, why it’s not “dirty” or a sin like some may have been raised to believe, etc.). Perhaps draw some boundaries (i.e. no ejaculating in her mouth) so she knows what to expect, too.
Great point about cleaning and grooming!
Similar boat here. For my wife, it’s pretty simple. She has a thing about body fluids of any kind – they kind of gross her out. She works at a hospital and has to deal with it everyday despite her aversion to it. So she asked several years ago if I would be horribly upset if she didn’t give me oral sex. Even trace bits of pre-ejaculate in her mouth was extremely off-putting to her. She had given it an honest attempt for a while but it was just too much. I’m of course disappointed, but it’s understandable (you should have seen the hoops she went through when our kids were in diapers). So that’s been off the table for quite some time.
I think more unfortunate is that it also weirds her out to receive oral – which I don’t mind at all and actually really enjoy giving. While she enjoys the feeling of it, there quickly reaches a point where she thinks about what is going on and completely shuts down. So that has become almost a non-factor for us as well. Our sex-life has plenty of struggles, particularly for her. I feel like overcoming this hurdle would open up a lot of doors for her, but for now they remain closed.
How frustrating, for both of you! Would she consider that happening with a barrier between y’all? Say a dental dam with oral sex for her, or a condom when it’s for you?
Not sure, and she seems to really avoid the topic all together. So I’ve just dropped it after a number of years and many failed attempts to have that conversation.
I doubt it. I don’t think she’s content with things as they are, but I believe she has accepted them (if that makes sense). It is mostly at the point where she will humor me if I force a conversation, but her preference is to preserve the status-quo, and conversations are just that. Our sex-life is better than it has been, but not as good as it could be. And there is a lot of fear of going back to where it has been. She tells me the best thing I can do for her is be patient, which I will be. But I’m beginning to believe that is code for accept the norm of where we are. And where we are isn’t a bad place – it’s just not as good as I think it could be. I guess the old saying is true – Good is the #1 enemy of Great.
Now I feel guilty for not wanting his penis in my mouth because you are wondering ‘why I feel that way’. Some like it, some don’t. I don’t know why I don’t like it, everyone’s different and women who don’t like it are not weird or wrong – are we? I don’t know, I’m confused. Describing a woman’s reluctance as ‘stuff like that’ doesn’t help.
When did I say women are weird or wrong for not wanting to give a blow job? I didn’t! I just wonder sometimes why, because in the past wives have revealed specifics that make it all fall into place (everything from a gag reflex or past sexual abuse) or show a way to work through the issue (like a wife thinking she has to put the whole thing in when she doesn’t). I’ve flat-out said plenty of times that if a wife doesn’t want to do oral sex, the husband should move on and find other things to do.
If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But it’s an entirely reasonable question for a husband to ask why.
i am not sure why but my wife likes doing it on me. I will be coming close to her, like passing her a cup of coffee, and she will pull my shorts down and give him a kiss.
It’s never been a part of my life, but the ‘dockside fish’ metaphor made me laugh out loud.
It hurts to laugh, but this was worth it.
Sorry I made you hurt, but glad it was for something worthwhile. 🙂
Sorry can you explain that Amdrew please – metaphor
The dockside fish is a metaphor I used, saying that a man getting oral sex is not like a fish sitting on the dock after being caught. That fish just lies there or flops, but a hubby being sexually pleasured typically does not. 🙂
It was mutual at first but within months she stopped. I still pleasure her orally every time but no chance of getting it for myself anymore.
Have you talked to her about why?
I do not enjoy it. Giving or receiving. My husband expects it every time like almost everyday and i do it to please him. But i could live without it..
If your husband knows you don’t like it, why does it expect it so often? And why don’t you like it?
You have a Facebook group with husbands?
I have a Facebook community for spouses, husbands and wives. A husband asked the question.
I have mouth sores a LOT and this interferes with oral sex. It’s a real bummer for both of us. I’d love to do it more, but I either have pain or then am worried about transmitting disease. Even kissing is limited because of them. Ugh.
Oh, bless your heart! Those hurt. Such a sensitive place to have a sore.
Maybe it was a different blogger, but I was under the impression that you don’t prefer the term “blow job”, and you used it multiple times in this article. Respectfully, have you changed your mind?
I’ve used “blow job” from the beginning of me talking about oral sex. No, I don’t love the term, but I don’t think it’s dirty and it is pretty much what everyone calls it. Maybe you’re thinking of this post? 5 Sex Words I Really Want to Change I did suggest “giving popsicle.” (Did you see the image with this post? 🙂 )
I don’t remember the site right now, but one female podcaster suggested the term “peni” instead of BJ. If I recall it had some linguistic origin. I think her name was Rose. Maybe someone may remember.
Belah Rose of Delight Your Marriage perhaps?
Yep!!
Thanks for the link. That’s where I read it before! I like the “giving popsicle” term – seems pretty benign. Just like sex, everyone has their terminology preferences so no worries. Thanks for the clarification.
This is an interesting topic. I’ll fully admit that I never considered what pleasure a woman might take from performing oral sex.
I’m sure someone will read this with skepticism, but I count myself among those men who just don’t enjoy receiving oral sex. I can’t explain it; the act in & of itself does nothing to maintain my stimulation or attention.
I’m similar to Matt. I do enjoy when my bride blesses me with her mouth, which is very infrequent—like once every three years. She and I had a brief conversation about it and she said that it’s something she never acquired a taste for.
Upon reflection and consideration within me, I realized that it’s something—like Matt—that doesn’t do a whole lot for me. It was something that I pursued and _thought_ I wanted because This World tells us that it’s something that I _should_ want. But I woke to that fact that I don’t have the temperament to lie back and enjoy. I get antsy. I need to be actively enjoying her in our communion. So we’ve pared down our menu, as it were, to the things that she and I enjoy mutually. The result is a communion that is robust and joyous and celebratory and bonding in its simplicity. Like the restaurant you go to because they make a particular dish really well, we’ve got our recipe down pat.
The lesson I learned in the awkward conversations with my bride about oral is that I needed to look at it through the lens of Romans 12.2: with prayer and searching within, I discovered I was seeking and yearning, and borderline pestering, for oral as a manifestation of conforming to This World. As I renewed my perspective on sex with my bride through prayer—and writers like J.—it’s blossomed into something far greater emotionally, spiritually as well as physically.
Love this! Couples will choose different repertoires, and that’s good.
Your website and article are awesome..Thanks
Thank you!
My wife appeared to really enjoy mutual oral sex-giving and receiving–and never really had to ask or prompt her, she was always willing, and made me feel great in the process.
I love giving my husband oral, for several reasons, I DO feel a sense of power over him, I love the sounds that he makes when I know that I am doing it just the way that he likes it. It gets me every excited knowing that I am giving him pleasure.
We call it ‘the other thing’. Your post nailed it! Before marriage, inexperienced, I thought OS was outrageous and something I would never do. Then, some weeks or months into marriage, he asked me if I would ‘consider putting it in my mouth’. I started with a little kiss. And now I enjoy it so much – for all the reasons you mention!
I don’t mind giving my husband oral. I wouldn’t say I particularly love doing it, but I definitely don’t hate it either. Most of the time, I give him oral for a couple minutes before having penetrative sex. Rarely do I give him a blow job that results in his climaxing and us being done for the night with our sexual encounter. I also enjoy giving him oral if he’s touching my clit manually with his fingers (this requires specific positions, though); I think that’s mainly because I’m just really turned on and ready for penetration.
However, your point about “the pleasure she feels” is a concept I can’t really identify with. I can’t really wrap my mind around it, probably because I’ve never experienced it first-hand. During sex, he is TERRIBLE at touching me! I have to literally take his hands and put them on my body if I want him to touch me. I try to touch my own breasts/clit/etc when I’m in the moment and stuff like that, but it just doesn’t have the same erotic effect as when he does it. He usually just lies there (he’s a big guy, so unless he’s taking me from behind, I’m on top 90% of the time and doing all the work), and very occasionally moans or says a word of encouragement (i.e. “Ugh, you’re sexy”, “oh, your vagina feels amazing”, “you’re so tight”, other quick phrases about the sensations he’s feeling). I’ve asked him why he doesn’t touch me more or at least open his eyes more to look at me during sex, and he says it’s because he gets lost in the moment and can’t think about what he’s doing or what he should be doing. He just gets lost in how good it feels. (Side note: this also makes it impossible for him to use his hands or any other part of his body to stimulate me while we’re having penetrative sex. The only time he ever touches me is when he’s “working on me”, meaning I’m lying on the bed and he’s focusing 100% of his attentions on me. We’re still figuring out what works for me and what I like, and he’s still trying to navigate “the complexities of the female anatomy” as he puts it, so I’m not surprised that I haven’t orgasmed yet in 5 years of marriage). I can’t quite tell if his reasoning is accurate for him, if this is something that’s fairly common for men to do (i.e. zone out during sex), or if it stems from his 15 years of porn use that he had up until last year when I found out that he uses porn. That’s when he started understanding how damaging porn was to him and our marriage, how porn could be one of the reasons he was only in the mood once or twice a week, and why he only lasted a couple minutes once penetration had started. We got Covenant Eyes as a household and it’s been helping his arousal, erection duration, & stamina.
So, all that backstory to ask this: is it possible/likely that my husband’s lack of involvement/touching during fellatio and penetration has to do with the habits he formed as a teen/adult using porn (i.e. just sitting back, blocking everything else out, and giving in to / focusing on the sensations)?
Oddly enough, I tend to hear the opposite: that habitual porn users have difficulty concentrating on the sensations they’re experiencing during real sex, because they’ve been primed to focus on imagery instead. That said, having a more focused-on-self bent certainly falls in line with what porn teaches; it doesn’t require you to think about what the other person is or should be experiencing.
It may take more time for y’all to get there, but I strongly suggest that you talk to him about how important it is for you to also experience pleasure and an orgasm. Maybe enlighten him with this article? These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm
Thanks J!
Thankfully, my husband is and always has been very concerned with my pleasure and well-being. He’s never forced anything on me, has never rushed inserting himself into me during sex, has always made sure I wasn’t in pain or uncomfortable, etc. I think in the first couple years of our marriage, he thought I was enjoying sex as much as he was because I would moan a lot (I’m a very vocal person, so maybe I played it off as if I was enjoying it more than I actually was. Even I can’t quite tell lol). But when we started talking about climaxing, I told him I didn’t think I’d ever experienced that, and he said “well, let’s make it happen”.
His porn use has never been dramatic or extreme (except for the frequency, which was 3x/week on average, 6-7x/week at its peak). He always watched very vanilla, PIV porn. Thankfully, that’s all he was into and didn’t like any of the more extreme, violent stuff (choking, abusive sex, etc.). But I do wonder if, like you said, porn taught him to focus on himself, even though conceptually he does desire for me to feel pleasure as much as he does.
I think we’re just both very inexperienced & just need to practice more and try new things and techniques. In our 5 years of marriage, we’ve probably had sex less than 100 times (& that’s including the first couple months of marriage when we had sex almost every day), either due to his lack of arousal due to porn or my lack of arousal due to him gaining 150lbs since our marriage (another issue entirely & one which I’ve commented on extensively/too much on Sheila’s blog). I just wonder if there’s a way to help him become more present in the moment so that he makes more eye contact and touches me more during actual penetration. Me asking him to do that in the moment tends to kill the mood a bit for both of us… almost like I’m coaching him when we’re supposed to be enjoying each other, which isn’t sexy.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when my DW ( dear wife) coaches me, it tells me that she is REALLY there in the moment,…there is a saying attributed to buhdda, what ever one is doing in that moment, DO it,…coaching me like more/less pressure… faster/slower…would you… Makes me WILD. I believe for both of us, with oral and any … activity ???
My husband, 90% of the time, is the ‘dockside fish’, much like what you describe. We also have to do ‘woman on top’ due to a physical issue. Maybe that’s it. He says he likes to close his eyes and concentrate on the sensation. He has no history of using porn!
Tell him to get his flippers busy! 😉
J,
Under certain circumstances, I can see why it can gross a wife out.
All it takes is a bad experience in the past, maybe even if it occurred before she got married to her husband. Maybe the man didn’t shower and thus the taste and scent of saltiness or sweat left a bad and lasting impression, or she gagged because the man didn’t hold still.
It may not even have anything to do with her husband, he may be clean as a whistle, but the taste of his seed could bring back memories she wished she could forget.
My own wife prefers teasing my like that while taking a shower together. Pretty erotic thoughts are going on inside our minds as we read this.
Can performing oral sex be enjoyable for the wife? The first time that I had ever done it (on my honeymoon with my new husband, 15 years ago), I climaxed from just that alone 😉
J, can you do a post on kissing? Even as a husband I think kissing is the most erotic act and it can be easy to take for granted. A good prompt: how can husbands and wives be better kissers?
I’ll do even better! There’s an entire chapter on Kissing in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. AND here are two recent posts on kissing: You’re Not Kissing Enough and 5 Kisses You Need to Master. 🙂
I believe this article is spot on! The mental side of sex is huge. As Tory said, some women can even climax from it the idea is so exciting to them. Perhaps it’s all about a mindset – and the right mindset can lead to a tremendous amount of mutual pleasure and satisfaction.
Thanks!
Do you have any advice on how to ask my wife to ‘give popsicle’? We’ve engaged in a little bit of oral sex as part of foreplay, but just a few times in 10 years of marriage and only very briefly. We’ve discussed that it’s something I’d like for us to try to include in our sex life more, but I worry that I’ll be guilting her into it by asking bluntly.
How about this? Talk about it outside the bedroom and not during a sexual encounter. Tell your wife that you’d like to try it more often and why. Ask what concerns, if any, she has and what she would like. Then when you get together, remind her of the conversation (seductively, if you can) and go for it. Also, you can ask bluntly and nicely at the same time. That is, don’t tell her what to do so much as ask if she could oblige you.
One more idea: Read my Oral Sex chapter in my Hot, Holy, and Humorous book together and then suggest trying out some of the ideas! 😉
When my wife and i are intimate, once or twice a year, my clothes never even come off. She wants a long massage followed by oral for her until climax then she just wants to roll over and go to sleep. The last time this happened i left the room with my shoes still on. I would settle for any touch, let alone oral.
How heartbreaking! Surely you’ve talked to her about this. Yes? It sounds like she has some real issues to work through, but I don’t know what those are. You’re both missing out on the intimacy you should have, and I pray you pursue answers and healing. Blessings!
She refuses to discuss. Shuts down the conversation very quickly.
As usual, a real eye opener here, J. Especially thinking about the wife’s enjoyment, and the sense of power that actually works both ways. My own wife is either in the mood or she’s not, and especially when it comes to “next level” stuff like blow jobs – and usually, when it comes to this, “not”
There was one blessedly erotic weekend, though, when she was all in, and clearly enjoying the power she had over me, as you mention. I’ve since realized that the giving and receiving of power, being assertive and, submissive at the same time, or better yet, taking turns in rapid succession excites the daylights out of me as a man. A weekend to remember, for sure.
Thanks for jogging the memories and making us think.
I have gleaned so much perspective both Male and Female from the posts of fellow Christians. I am making a renewed effort in my attitude regarding OS. As a female I struggle sometimes with the deeper meaning behind men’s pleasures in general. Unfortunately I’ve seen porn, the women performing OS make horrible sounds, they are gagging, eyes watering and can’t breath all the while the men are abolivous and enjoying themselves. This is where the demeaning thoughts come from.
Why would a husband not care when this is happening to his wife? I will work on increasing my frequency of OS/BJ with my husband but it will be an Oscar winning performance. Although I’m pleased in another respect to give him this gift of pleasure.
I would like a male perspective on this.
I’m not male… But I’ve only ever seen snippets of porn (not by choice), and my husband absolutely does not watch porn, but we’re fine with oral sex. One thing I definitely stress here and in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, is if SHE is giving him oral sex, SHE needs to remain in control of her mouth and face. He should NOT be shoving himself into her or controlling her head. If it’s shown otherwise in porn, that’s not oral sex as described in the Bible and in my resources — that’s selfish and quite possibly violent. (And one of the reasons I can’t stand porn is that it promotes selfishness and violence!) Even oral sex should be a mutually satisfying activity, given and received with love and intimacy. Okay, my two cents is done. You asked for a male perspective, so I’m hoping some husbands add their thoughts here.
When my dear wife (d.w.) does this it is because SHE wants to, I might plant the thought, and then nurture it GENTLY…it might take an hour or a month, BUT when she dose…WOW! The same when I get the urge to do so FOR her….notice I say for her/with her… NEVER to her…think on what that means ..
I personally don’t think many husbands would want a gagging wife. It doesn’t have to be that way to feel good anyway.
Thank you, Brian.
Hey NWFMH—
I’m a husband, and as I commented above, I don’t have a rampant craving to receive oral sex.
First, don’t base anything that you think should occur in your marriage bed on what goes on in porn.
At all.
Please.
And I say this as a former porn addict. It’s one dimensional, vile, traumatizing and toxic.
I think most husbands, if they’re good willed, definitely care about what their wives are experiencing. For me, I strive to ensure that my bride is enjoying our time of communion.
Have you and your husband discussed this topic at all? If my bride came to me and said that she wanted to bless me in this way in an authentic and loving way, but has some trepidations that are holding her back, I would positively melt just knowing that she wants to as a gift and an expression of love.
The core of all of this is the word Union: where do you two meet? Talk with each other to the degree that you both are comfortable. Set aside the things that you two don’t mutually enjoy giving and receiving. As I allude to in my comment above, there are things that just aren’t part of my bride’s and my marriage bed, but what is part of our repertoire is intensely intimate, as it spins up an intimacy loop: I love doing what she likes because of the way she and her body respond, which I love experiencing, which makes me want to do it all the more.
If you legitimately want to gift your husband orally, as Brian notes, there are ways to elicit electric, spine-melting sensations that won’t trigger any kind of gagging.
So to review:
1) Stay away from porn. It’s bogus and toxic.
2) Read Romans 12.2 through the filter of what you want your marriage bed to look like: do not conform to this world, but renew through The Lord what you want intimacy with your husband to be.
3) Talk with your husband.
4) Find your comfortable common ground in your marriage bed, then explore and venture out from there as you both feel comfortable.
Blessings!
Thank you for this.
WELL SAID. I myself have noticed a running WAR with porn…it is like a enemy sapper, who is constantly attempting to sneak in under your defenses, so I found a porn blocker for my devices, and had my wife install the pass word, so every month or so, if a site I need access to is blocked, WE allow is…this gives accountability and time to think about what I’m trying to do.
NWFMH—
I’d like to ask a follow up question: what are the aspects of men’s pleasure that you struggle with?
Name withheld for my husband,
Gagging is inflicting discomfort and sometimes pain and I couldn’t stay aroused if my spouse was gagging or experiencing great discomfort with me blocking her air waves or clogging her throat, her throat isn’t her vagina.
I’m sure porn has a way to minimizing the impact of discomfort to the female, but I can’t imagine the camera able to show her enjoy gagging.
The intimacy (including foreplay, touching and oral) between my spouse and I, is very raw, but I have no desire for her to gag.
I just looked up sex fantasies and there are couples that mutual desire rough sex and S and M, or grabbing the throat and choking, not sure if female gagging is always mutually desired.
All of it just seems cruel.
…when my dear wife wants to… perform oral, I act like there is a snug belt across my hips…like the seat belt,this allows me to submit to her…then when she is ready, I know when she wants her cave man…lol TALK WITH your spouse, NOT at him or her, repeat what they say in YOUR words, ask did I understand correctly, then LISTEN AGAIN. NOT rocket science…but not simple ?
I feel a spouse’s background and upbringing, personality, and comfort zones play a huge part in giving oral sex to the other spouse. Being a male, I find it completely arousing and exciting to go down on my wife. She has issues and will not insert my penis in her mouth. She avoids semen like the plague. I have told her everything God created is good. Why I feel going down on her is erotically exciting is for several reasons. The appearance of her private area is very appealing. Her scent is a turn on. Knowing I am giving her sexual pleasure is arousing as she cannot have an orgasm any other way. Feeling her move and squirm as she gets closer to climax is even more of a turn on and then to hear her when she climaxes is so awesome. After giving her suggestions she has made progress. She will orally stimulate me to climax outside of her mouth. Better than nothing but inside her mouth is best because of soft lips, a warm mouth, and a soft, wet tongue is best. She will not do this unless I ask and since that is the case it is rare. I enjoy the total experience of giving oral pleasure to her but wish she would have an awakening of some type as I have read blogs where Christian wives were not involved with blow jobs but by experience now give blow jobs and really enjoy giving them a lot. Yes I prayed endlessly for my wonderful wife to join the ranks.
My wife will give me oral on occasion. She will not allow me down there. I enjoy both, but it is rare. It is arousing and very enjoyable.
Let me be clear: God designed sex to be mutually pleasurable and satisfying, and neither spouse should ever demand or force a sexual act on their mate. While oral sex is okay, it’s certainly not necessary for sexual intimacy! And given your past trauma, that all needs to be handle very carefully and with your needs prioritized.
Read this description of the love God calls us to: “Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth” (1 Cor 13:4-6). Godly love should be present in the marriage bed, meaning we will not seek our own pleasure at the expense of our spouse. Rather we will be patient and kind. I hope that answers your question. And may God bring you comfort and healing.
I’ve repeatedly said that, over and over, throughout my blog and on my co-hosted podcast. It’s practically a tag line for me that I say, “You’re not his sex toy,” again and again. However, posts have different goals, and this one wasn’t about oral sex as a whole.
Moreover, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m covering one aspect of this issue, and it’s true that not every wife likes it. Which is completely fine. And it’s not a must for any marriage.
I want to say thank you for all that you and your fellow bloggers do for all of us. I know a lot of it is aimed at women but the majority is helpful for us husbands as well.
My question / inquiry for you considering you’ve talked to a lot more people about sex than I probably ever will. As part of sex, we enjoy oral. But for a few years after our son was born we both felt kind of averse to the idea due to him sometimes sharing food with us or giving us kisses. The idea of him kissing our mouths after they were on our spouses genitals the night before just seemed to gross us out.
I’m sure there are millions of people who have children & still take part in oral sex in their marriage.
Is that something you’ve heard before? Something that is common, or are we just overthinking it?
Also, as a higher drive spouse who was sexually abused as a child by a female babysitter, as I was working through my traumas sex took a back seat. 7 years into doing healing work, my sex drive has started to rise again, and find myself wanting it more days than not. But being denied or comments like “you always want it” or other comments that cause shame. Is it “dirty” to want sex more days than not.
I’ve also said well when I’m in the mood, if you aren’t, you could always do oral, or help me another way. But that makes me feel kind of selfish.
Thanks again for all you do & I look forward to your input!
God Bless
I came up with a long answer and then looked at it and realized that I can just answer this way:
“The idea of him kissing our mouths after they were on our spouses genitals the night before just seemed to gross us out.” Where have your hands been? Yet I bet you touch both your wife and your children.
Wash up, maintain hygiene, and relax.
Thank you for your response & you kept it quite simple.
I understand some of the roadblocks are because of stuff I went through as a kid, bad messages and I continuously work on that stuff & learning to trust my body.
I think societies push on sexuality can sometimes complicate things. And the idea that Christians “don’t” do oral, swallow, and things of that sort, because it’s “dirty”. And for some reason I was thinking that the majority of Christians don’t take part in oral sex, which I may be wrong. You would probably know that more so than me, I don’t talk to many people about sex.
I’ve also struggled with the idea it’s dirty all together, especially the messiness of sex. And worrying about fluids getting on our bedding, because our child will end up in our bed most mornings. And just fearful we will miss some of the “‘mess” and someone else could come into contact with our fluids. And it isn’t realistic to wash bedding every time we have sex.
Which is another reason of why I don’t wander to other rooms to be intimate. For instance I’ve seen blogs say, switch up rooms and locations, and it’s just in my head that if it took place on the couch or basement or something that we might get fluids on a surface and someone else could come into contact with it unintentionally.
As you can see there isn’t a whole lot of “relaxing” that takes place when it comes to sex.
Add that to the list of stuff I have to work on haha.
If you have any other input, I’m always open for suggestions or knowledge.
Appreciate you & your work
J
May I suggest you simply turn to Song of Songs and read? When you’re finished, turn back and read again. Do this over the course of a few weeks, perhaps with your spouse, and see how free (and unconcerned with mess) that married couple is?
And perhaps invest in a waterproof blanket for peace of mind. My husband and I have one; we call it our “sex blanket”. They’re all over online, some meant for pets and some meant for sex.
Song of Solomon 2:3
“As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
Song of Solomon 4:15-5:1
“. . . a garden fountain, a well of living water, and flowing streams from Lebanon. Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow. Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits. I came to my garden, my sister, my bride, I gathered my myrrh with my spice, I ate my honeycomb with my honey, I drank my wine with my milk. Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!”
I don’t know how else to interpret these verses other than them referencing oral sex for both the man and woman receiving. God created sexuality to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant; we are not meant to live in fear of “should I be doing this? Is this act wrong/sinful/ungodly?” when it is an act between only us and our husbands and we’re both experiencing each other and connecting through that act/experience.
And yes, tons (if not most) of Christians have oral sex. 😉
Appreciate the input from all!
I’ll always continue working on being the best version of me, but always appreciative of solid advice / input.
Be well
I get none. I USED TO! It was on the brochure when I signed the deal. I’m super clean, I groom, I don’t pressure or coerce. I AM WORTHY though. She just refuses. Oh, and I offer ALL the time. Neck, tongue, shoulder, breasts , I’m all for it. I just don’t get it. It screams, “YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT, IMPORTANT, LOVED, CHERISHED, ADORED!!” Take your pick.
Do you have any notion WHY she’s now saying no? The reason determines the approach going forward. She likely has a reason that makes complete sense to her, even if it’s something you don’t understand. If you can seek to understand, then you may find ways to address the situation. Wishing you the best!
My wife discovered this blog the other night at 10pm while I was asleep. Needless to say by 11pm she woke me and was already moving into the 69 position [redacted a little extra detail here ~J]. We have had OS many times over our 25 years of marriage but ‘rediscovered’ the delights of it the other night. It was great! She was hugely turned on. Just wanted to say thanks for writing these blogs and keep them coming! Tremendously helpful to our marriages.
Congratulations to you both! Glad you enjoyed the delights of marital intimacy. ♥