Q&A with J: Oral Sex, Good Habits, and “Ladies First” Orgasm

At the end of last year, my email inbox had 336 emails I needed to address. Through a concerted effort in the last month, I have gotten my inbox down to 120 emails!

Several of the questions I received didn’t warrant a full post, but I answered the individuals in briefer return emails. Today, I want to share three of those with you, and next week I’ll share more.

Blog post title + illustration of bed with three question marks above

1. “Blow Jobs” and Lockjaw

Not sure if you’ve addressed something like this question before but what would you do if your husband loves a good blow job, and would like it often, but it quite literally pains you — I have a really bad lockjaw issue that I go to the chiropractor for to help manage it and I’ve noticed that after I’ve given him head I get pretty bad flare up. I’ve mentioned this to him, but it doesn’t seem to phase him much I guess. I start to get irritated while doing it because I’m in pain and I don’t want to feel like that because I love pleasing him, as he is very good to me, but I don’t love being in pain everyday because of it either…What would you do?!

Since you asked the straightforward question, “What would you do?!” I’ll answer just as directly: not give blow jobs.

If you literally have a physical condition that prevents you from performing a certain sexual activity in your marriage bed, and especially if that activity gives you pain, you shouldn’t have to do that. Not giving your husband fellatio doesn’t count under the “do not deprive” clause of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

If your husband doesn’t understand, then he probably doesn’t realize how much it hurts you. Sometimes we think we’re being clear about something, but we’re really not or our spouse has a blind spot — so their lack of responsiveness isn’t because they don’t care, but rather how they’re receiving the information.

That said, you can still give him oral sex. Without giving him the full blow job. I talked about that in each of these posts:

What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)
5 Things You Should Know about Oral Sex

Now I don’t know a whole lot about lockjaw, but I suspect you could still attend to the head of his penis. And you could add other things to your repertoire. Hey, maybe you become the Hand Job Master! (I have tips for that in my book.)

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2. Making Sex a Habit

Our sex life is good, not great and we both want to improve it. Have you written about making sex a habit? We’re constantly amazed that if we go a week or a bit more and we make love, how wonderful it is and we inevitably say to each other “why don’t we do this more??” LOL. So curious on your thoughts of helping making love to become a routine habit (we both generally agree 2-3x a week would be ideal.

Yes, I talk about scheduling sex in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous (see above), and I’ve answered the question “How Often Should You Have Sex?

Within a lot of posts, I’ve talked about making sex a regular, routine part of your marriage (e.g., see Be Your Husband’s Sure Thing). As for how, one idea I covered was tracking the frequency of sex in marriage (and the comments on that post were interesting), and this is an oft-covered topic on the podcast I co-host with three other marriage bloggers, Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

But yeah, I dare say that most couples should make love more often! It’s a great, God-given perk of marriage.

3. “Ladies First” Orgasm

How can I reconcile my need to orgasm with his inclination to sleep? Once he comes he gets super relaxed and if I am not quick to catch up, I will find myself with a snoring hubby, sometimes still inside me! This isn’t always a big problem, but if I am getting close to that point, it frustrates the heck out of me, and I even feel like crying. Which is not the way I want to finish off a good romp. I would rather not let myself enjoy it too much than to really enjoy it and then get left in the lurch like that.

My immediate thought was Why isn’t she orgasming first? It seems like that would resolve a lot if he just adopted a “ladies first” policy. This could mean that your husband brings you to orgasm before penetration, or it could mean that you add direct clitoral stimulation (his hand or yours) during intercourse to get you to climax more quickly.

However, if none of that works, I’d wake him up, gently but firmly, and say, “Hey, can we finish me off?” Let him know that you enjoyed the experience, but he got his peak and you’d like to see yours, thank you very much.

I’ll be back with more Q&A next week. If you want to ask me something, head over the contact form and send me your question. It’s slow going at times, but I really am making my way through the inbox!

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11 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Oral Sex, Good Habits, and “Ladies First” Orgasm

  1. S

    We almost always have a ladies first orgasm. He brings me to orgasm either before sex, or during sex (usually it is during sex) and then he finishes after I have. We have done this our entire 15 year marriage. Occasionally we orgasm at the same time, but generally I go first. If he happens to orgasm before me, he brings me to orgasm after he finishes with manual stimulation. It is great. He is always concerned with me and how it feels for me.

    Reply
    1. Anon

      Gosh is sex really like that?! Where the woman experiences orgasm! If I’m honest I’m very jealous reading this. I wish our sex life was like this. I’ve been married 15 years and my husband is very ignorant and selfish and once he comes that’s It, there’s no point in carrying on then is there?! I could cry writing this. I’m so sexually frustrated atm. I enjoy turning him on and giving him pleasure but why can’t he recipricate? It’s making me frustrated and I resent him at times. I’ve said I’m not satisfied and have suggested things to help but them he just lays there in what looks and sounds like ecstasy and I’m there thinking well good for you! It’s really worn me down over the years and I must confess to faking it to end it quicker which probably hasn’t helped things. I’ve bought a vibrater now which gives me that release but it’s a terrible shame we can’t experience fulfilling sex together.

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        Hmmm, sounds like y’all could benefit from a conversation prompt book. With one chapter addressed to certain men, “What if you never got have an orgasm again with sex? How frustrated would you be? THEN WHY DO YOU EXPECT YOUR WIFE TO GO SO LONG WITHOUT ONE?!” Okay, I’d figure out a nicer way to say it…

        Saying a prayer for you right now!

        Reply
  2. Anonymous

    After reading your comments about making sex a habit, I chuckled and asked myself “do couples really have sex 2-3 times a week (or more)’? Unless you actually track this, I think most people really don’t know. For example, if you asked my spouse this question, she would say 2-3 times a month. I have actually tracked this for the past 5 years…the numbers ranged from 13 to 18 times a year (sex once every 3.5 weeks). I often wonder how often couples do have sex…

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      According to the General Social Survey, which has tracked sexual frequency since the late 1980s, the average for married couples is 58 times per year. That’s just over once a week. However, that’s an average and includes those who are doing it like bunnies and the 15-20% of marriages presumed to be sexless (than than 10 times per year). A median calculation would be more helpful in this regard. For those who don’t remember any statistics terminology from school, an average is dumping everything into the basket, dividing by the number of people, and coming out with a number. A median shows a bell curve so that you can see an average range, but the extremes on either side don’t throw off the middle calculation as much.

      I believe married couples should be having sex at least once a week, but for most higher-drive spouses, it needs to be at least twice a week or more. And yes, I wish I could speak to wives like yours and many other lower-drive spouses and just chat about how to make this happen more often and enjoyably in your marriage.

      Reply
  3. Ol' Will

    The lady with lockjaw:
    Most likely her problem is defined under the umbrella term, “Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome (TMJ)”
    I Googled “TMJ treatment” and found a good article on medicinenet.com with much information on causes, effects (including lockjaw), and treatments. I would, of course, stay away from most of the drugs listed and especially the opioids. The potential for side effects with most of them and especially the risk of addiction is just too great. My rule is that before I even fill the prescription, I research the drug thoroughly.
    Then I Googled, “tmj and chiropractic” and found an article at the HuffPost site by a dentist who says he’s not against chiropractic for the classic problems. I’m not telling anyone to dump their chiropractor. I’m just providing another bit of information that may help her.
    The jaw-pain lady may know all of this already but she may not. So I hope you pass this on to her.
    I hope her problem gets resolved soon but, meanwhile, I agree with your advice.

    Reply
  4. Joseph

    @ J. if you’d like some help getting through those last 120 emails let me know. I could put together I program to search each email for keywords and send excerpts from your book as a response 😉 lol
    “J. 2.0”

    Reply
  5. Pingback: Q&A with J: Imagery & Arousal, Tantra Sex, and Devotions | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  6. Pingback: Is Giving a "Blow Job" Enjoyable for the Wife? | Hot, Holy & Humorous

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