Is Giving a “Blow Job” Enjoyable for the Wife?

A husband in my Facebook community recently posed the question of “what is it that the ladies enjoy so much about giving [oral sex]?” He explained that he didn’t mind giving to her, but felt awkward about the reverse and didn’t understand why a wife would enjoy that activity.

I held onto the question for a bit, mulling over how to answer. As much as possible, I avoid giving any reader a peek into my own marriage bed and/or getting too graphic. However, since I believe fellatio — oral sex for him — can be quite enjoyable for the wife, it seemed like something worth spotlighting.

So why would a blow job be enjoyable for a wife to give?

The present she gives.

Sometimes a wife gives a husband oral sex as a gift. It’s a way of showing that she cares about his sexual pleasure and wants to arouse and satisfy him. This can include giving a blow job when she’s out of commission, due to health issues or menstruation or other factors.

She thus derives enjoyment from being able to offer this wonderful present to her husband, knowing that she alone can gift him in this way. It’s simply one way of living out selfless love in the marriage bed. And doing good can feel good.

The power she possesses.

Much of a woman’s experience sexually is as the responder. Even if she is the higher-drive spouse and/or initiated the sexual encounter, her body receives manual or oral stimulation of her erogenous zones and intercourse is penetration by another. Turning the tables can give her a sense of potency.

She may enjoy watching the effect she has on her husband, how she can drive him wild with her mouth. It’s one of the few times in sex when the man seems to fully surrender — putty in her hands. It’s a sweet feeling to know the power she possesses to stimulate and satiate her husband.

The pleasure she feels.

Most husbands don’t lie back like dockside fish, either still or wildly flopping while oral sex is being performed on them. They respond with touches back to her head, her shoulders, her breasts, wherever he can reach. They make sounds of arousal. Their muscles clench and release. Their penis and testicles twitch or lift or shift. And to her, all that can be sexy, and therefore pleasurable.

Many wives become aroused while performing fellatio. They might be surprised at first to be focused so much on his sexual pleasure, then reach down to find their own body excited, but it happens. Turning him turns her on.

The passion she pursues.

Adding oral sex to your marriage bed expands your sexual repertoire, and variety is perhaps not the spice of life, but it is spicy. And it’s not an everyday thing for most couples, so much of the time, fellatio happens when she is feeling particularly passionate — passionate enough to put her mouth on or around her husband’s most private part. 

There’s also an implied recognition that his genitalia are appealing and sexy. Getting that up-close-and-personal can show she’s got a big crush on Junior. (Oh, every guy’s dream… Breathe easy, y’all.)

The support he shows.

Meanwhile, what can a husband do to make this experience good for his wife? Well, my best tips are in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Want more straight talk? Check out this book for wives!

But in general, you can make this mutually enjoyable by:

  • Telling her what feels good. Since she obviously wants you to be pleasured, direct her to your most sensitive spots and/or indicate with words or sounds when something feels particularly good.
  • Letting her remain mostly in control. That is, don’t press her head against you or pressure her to “deep throat,” especially if she has a strong gag reflex.
  • Cooperate with what she needs to make it more comfortable. If she’s reluctant to give oral sex or swallow, be willing to wear a condom for easier clean-up, keep a towel by the bed, warn her when you’re about to ejaculate — that sort of thing.
  • Making sure she gets a full opportunity to orgasm too. If you ejaculate during oral sex, that’s not necessarily the end. She may want a round two where she gets to climax.
  • Giving her a chance to recover. She may need time afterward to clean up, and she may also need a while before she performs fellatio again. Even those who like it may see it as more of a treat than a regular activity.
  • Thanking her when you’re done. Many wives respond well to being appreciated for their effort.

For wives who don’t like it.

If you’re one of those wives who does not enjoy giving oral sex, I encourage you to read the “Oral Sex” chapter in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. The following posts may also address your concerns:

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55 thoughts on “Is Giving a “Blow Job” Enjoyable for the Wife?

  1. Anonymous

    My wife thinks that oral sex is gross. I have given her oral sex and does not want to reciprocate. As a gentleman, I have not requested oral from her. I hope other Christian husbands would do the same.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I totally agree that you shouldn’t demand or pressure your spouse for a specific sexual activity. But when I hear stuff like that, I always wonder why a wife feels that way.

      Reply
        1. J Post author

          I’m always curious, so I’d be asking follow-up questions. “What about it seems to gross to you?” “What about just licking, but no putting it in your mouth?” “Would it work better if I wore a condom?” But of course I’m not suggesting you pressure her!

          Reply
          1. Natalie

            Or perhaps the husband could shower directly before sex so he’s completely clean and smells fresh down there. (Make sure it’s totally dried off and has no lube or lotion on it so it doesn’t seem “slimy”). Proper hair grooming down there also makes oral sex easier & more enjoyable to give too since you don’t have to worry about long stray hairs getting in your mouth. And maybe they could start out by her only licking or sucking for a short while before the precum starts coming out. The precum kind of grossed me out too in the beginning which I don’t think is an abnormal reaction for a wife, but I eventually got used to it as more oral sex was given. Like J said, never pressure the wife to do an act, but ask questions and communicate the why’s instead (i.e. why you’d like to experience this, why you enjoy her doing this to you, why it’s not “dirty” or a sin like some may have been raised to believe, etc.). Perhaps draw some boundaries (i.e. no ejaculating in her mouth) so she knows what to expect, too.

      1. drew-averagehusband

        Similar boat here. For my wife, it’s pretty simple. She has a thing about body fluids of any kind – they kind of gross her out. She works at a hospital and has to deal with it everyday despite her aversion to it. So she asked several years ago if I would be horribly upset if she didn’t give me oral sex. Even trace bits of pre-ejaculate in her mouth was extremely off-putting to her. She had given it an honest attempt for a while but it was just too much. I’m of course disappointed, but it’s understandable (you should have seen the hoops she went through when our kids were in diapers). So that’s been off the table for quite some time.

        I think more unfortunate is that it also weirds her out to receive oral – which I don’t mind at all and actually really enjoy giving. While she enjoys the feeling of it, there quickly reaches a point where she thinks about what is going on and completely shuts down. So that has become almost a non-factor for us as well. Our sex-life has plenty of struggles, particularly for her. I feel like overcoming this hurdle would open up a lot of doors for her, but for now they remain closed.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          How frustrating, for both of you! Would she consider that happening with a barrier between y’all? Say a dental dam with oral sex for her, or a condom when it’s for you?

          Reply
          1. drew-averagehusband

            Not sure, and she seems to really avoid the topic all together. So I’ve just dropped it after a number of years and many failed attempts to have that conversation.

          2. drew-averagehusband

            I doubt it. I don’t think she’s content with things as they are, but I believe she has accepted them (if that makes sense). It is mostly at the point where she will humor me if I force a conversation, but her preference is to preserve the status-quo, and conversations are just that. Our sex-life is better than it has been, but not as good as it could be. And there is a lot of fear of going back to where it has been. She tells me the best thing I can do for her is be patient, which I will be. But I’m beginning to believe that is code for accept the norm of where we are. And where we are isn’t a bad place – it’s just not as good as I think it could be. I guess the old saying is true – Good is the #1 enemy of Great.

  2. Mike

    i am not sure why but my wife likes doing it on me. I will be coming close to her, like passing her a cup of coffee, and she will pull my shorts down and give him a kiss.

    Reply
      1. J Post author

        The dockside fish is a metaphor I used, saying that a man getting oral sex is not like a fish sitting on the dock after being caught. That fish just lies there or flops, but a hubby being sexually pleasured typically does not. 🙂

        Reply
  3. Mike

    It was mutual at first but within months she stopped. I still pleasure her orally every time but no chance of getting it for myself anymore.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    I do not enjoy it. Giving or receiving. My husband expects it every time like almost everyday and i do it to please him. But i could live without it..

    Reply
  5. Mary

    I have mouth sores a LOT and this interferes with oral sex. It’s a real bummer for both of us. I’d love to do it more, but I either have pain or then am worried about transmitting disease. Even kissing is limited because of them. Ugh.

    Reply
  6. Lee

    Maybe it was a different blogger, but I was under the impression that you don’t prefer the term “blow job”, and you used it multiple times in this article. Respectfully, have you changed your mind?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’ve used “blow job” from the beginning of me talking about oral sex. No, I don’t love the term, but I don’t think it’s dirty and it is pretty much what everyone calls it. Maybe you’re thinking of this post? 5 Sex Words I Really Want to Change I did suggest “giving popsicle.” (Did you see the image with this post? 🙂 )

      Reply
    2. Eric

      I don’t remember the site right now, but one female podcaster suggested the term “peni” instead of BJ. If I recall it had some linguistic origin. I think her name was Rose. Maybe someone may remember.

      Reply
  7. Lee

    Thanks for the link. That’s where I read it before! I like the “giving popsicle” term – seems pretty benign. Just like sex, everyone has their terminology preferences so no worries. Thanks for the clarification.

    Reply
  8. Matt

    This is an interesting topic. I’ll fully admit that I never considered what pleasure a woman might take from performing oral sex.

    I’m sure someone will read this with skepticism, but I count myself among those men who just don’t enjoy receiving oral sex. I can’t explain it; the act in & of itself does nothing to maintain my stimulation or attention.

    Reply
    1. Greg

      I’m similar to Matt. I do enjoy when my bride blesses me with her mouth, which is very infrequent—like once every three years. She and I had a brief conversation about it and she said that it’s something she never acquired a taste for.

      Upon reflection and consideration within me, I realized that it’s something—like Matt—that doesn’t do a whole lot for me. It was something that I pursued and _thought_ I wanted because This World tells us that it’s something that I _should_ want. But I woke to that fact that I don’t have the temperament to lie back and enjoy. I get antsy. I need to be actively enjoying her in our communion. So we’ve pared down our menu, as it were, to the things that she and I enjoy mutually. The result is a communion that is robust and joyous and celebratory and bonding in its simplicity. Like the restaurant you go to because they make a particular dish really well, we’ve got our recipe down pat.

      The lesson I learned in the awkward conversations with my bride about oral is that I needed to look at it through the lens of Romans 12.2: with prayer and searching within, I discovered I was seeking and yearning, and borderline pestering, for oral as a manifestation of conforming to This World. As I renewed my perspective on sex with my bride through prayer—and writers like J.—it’s blossomed into something far greater emotionally, spiritually as well as physically.

      Reply
  9. Kevin C

    My wife appeared to really enjoy mutual oral sex-giving and receiving–and never really had to ask or prompt her, she was always willing, and made me feel great in the process.

    Reply
  10. Andrea

    I love giving my husband oral, for several reasons, I DO feel a sense of power over him, I love the sounds that he makes when I know that I am doing it just the way that he likes it. It gets me every excited knowing that I am giving him pleasure.

    Reply
  11. Lynn

    We call it ‘the other thing’. Your post nailed it! Before marriage, inexperienced, I thought OS was outrageous and something I would never do. Then, some weeks or months into marriage, he asked me if I would ‘consider putting it in my mouth’. I started with a little kiss. And now I enjoy it so much – for all the reasons you mention!

    Reply
  12. Natalie

    I don’t mind giving my husband oral. I wouldn’t say I particularly love doing it, but I definitely don’t hate it either. Most of the time, I give him oral for a couple minutes before having penetrative sex. Rarely do I give him a blow job that results in his climaxing and us being done for the night with our sexual encounter. I also enjoy giving him oral if he’s touching my clit manually with his fingers (this requires specific positions, though); I think that’s mainly because I’m just really turned on and ready for penetration.

    However, your point about “the pleasure she feels” is a concept I can’t really identify with. I can’t really wrap my mind around it, probably because I’ve never experienced it first-hand. During sex, he is TERRIBLE at touching me! I have to literally take his hands and put them on my body if I want him to touch me. I try to touch my own breasts/clit/etc when I’m in the moment and stuff like that, but it just doesn’t have the same erotic effect as when he does it. He usually just lies there (he’s a big guy, so unless he’s taking me from behind, I’m on top 90% of the time and doing all the work), and very occasionally moans or says a word of encouragement (i.e. “Ugh, you’re sexy”, “oh, your vagina feels amazing”, “you’re so tight”, other quick phrases about the sensations he’s feeling). I’ve asked him why he doesn’t touch me more or at least open his eyes more to look at me during sex, and he says it’s because he gets lost in the moment and can’t think about what he’s doing or what he should be doing. He just gets lost in how good it feels. (Side note: this also makes it impossible for him to use his hands or any other part of his body to stimulate me while we’re having penetrative sex. The only time he ever touches me is when he’s “working on me”, meaning I’m lying on the bed and he’s focusing 100% of his attentions on me. We’re still figuring out what works for me and what I like, and he’s still trying to navigate “the complexities of the female anatomy” as he puts it, so I’m not surprised that I haven’t orgasmed yet in 5 years of marriage). I can’t quite tell if his reasoning is accurate for him, if this is something that’s fairly common for men to do (i.e. zone out during sex), or if it stems from his 15 years of porn use that he had up until last year when I found out that he uses porn. That’s when he started understanding how damaging porn was to him and our marriage, how porn could be one of the reasons he was only in the mood once or twice a week, and why he only lasted a couple minutes once penetration had started. We got Covenant Eyes as a household and it’s been helping his arousal, erection duration, & stamina.
    So, all that backstory to ask this: is it possible/likely that my husband’s lack of involvement/touching during fellatio and penetration has to do with the habits he formed as a teen/adult using porn (i.e. just sitting back, blocking everything else out, and giving in to / focusing on the sensations)?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Oddly enough, I tend to hear the opposite: that habitual porn users have difficulty concentrating on the sensations they’re experiencing during real sex, because they’ve been primed to focus on imagery instead. That said, having a more focused-on-self bent certainly falls in line with what porn teaches; it doesn’t require you to think about what the other person is or should be experiencing.

      It may take more time for y’all to get there, but I strongly suggest that you talk to him about how important it is for you to also experience pleasure and an orgasm. Maybe enlighten him with this article? These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm

      Reply
      1. Natalie

        Thanks J!

        Thankfully, my husband is and always has been very concerned with my pleasure and well-being. He’s never forced anything on me, has never rushed inserting himself into me during sex, has always made sure I wasn’t in pain or uncomfortable, etc. I think in the first couple years of our marriage, he thought I was enjoying sex as much as he was because I would moan a lot (I’m a very vocal person, so maybe I played it off as if I was enjoying it more than I actually was. Even I can’t quite tell lol). But when we started talking about climaxing, I told him I didn’t think I’d ever experienced that, and he said “well, let’s make it happen”.
        His porn use has never been dramatic or extreme (except for the frequency, which was 3x/week on average, 6-7x/week at its peak). He always watched very vanilla, PIV porn. Thankfully, that’s all he was into and didn’t like any of the more extreme, violent stuff (choking, abusive sex, etc.). But I do wonder if, like you said, porn taught him to focus on himself, even though conceptually he does desire for me to feel pleasure as much as he does.
        I think we’re just both very inexperienced & just need to practice more and try new things and techniques. In our 5 years of marriage, we’ve probably had sex less than 100 times (& that’s including the first couple months of marriage when we had sex almost every day), either due to his lack of arousal due to porn or my lack of arousal due to him gaining 150lbs since our marriage (another issue entirely & one which I’ve commented on extensively/too much on Sheila’s blog). I just wonder if there’s a way to help him become more present in the moment so that he makes more eye contact and touches me more during actual penetration. Me asking him to do that in the moment tends to kill the mood a bit for both of us… almost like I’m coaching him when we’re supposed to be enjoying each other, which isn’t sexy.

        Reply
    2. Anonymous for his privacy

      My husband, 90% of the time, is the ‘dockside fish’, much like what you describe. We also have to do ‘woman on top’ due to a physical issue. Maybe that’s it. He says he likes to close his eyes and concentrate on the sensation. He has no history of using porn!

      Reply
  13. Mark

    J,

    Under certain circumstances, I can see why it can gross a wife out.

    All it takes is a bad experience in the past, maybe even if it occurred before she got married to her husband. Maybe the man didn’t shower and thus the taste and scent of saltiness or sweat left a bad and lasting impression, or she gagged because the man didn’t hold still.

    It may not even have anything to do with her husband, he may be clean as a whistle, but the taste of his seed could bring back memories she wished she could forget.

    My own wife prefers teasing my like that while taking a shower together. Pretty erotic thoughts are going on inside our minds as we read this.

    Reply
  14. Tory

    Can performing oral sex be enjoyable for the wife? The first time that I had ever done it (on my honeymoon with my new husband, 15 years ago), I climaxed from just that alone 😉

    Reply
  15. Jeff

    J, can you do a post on kissing? Even as a husband I think kissing is the most erotic act and it can be easy to take for granted. A good prompt: how can husbands and wives be better kissers?

    Reply
  16. Songs of the Believers

    I believe this article is spot on! The mental side of sex is huge. As Tory said, some women can even climax from it the idea is so exciting to them. Perhaps it’s all about a mindset – and the right mindset can lead to a tremendous amount of mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

    Reply
  17. Mike

    Do you have any advice on how to ask my wife to ‘give popsicle’? We’ve engaged in a little bit of oral sex as part of foreplay, but just a few times in 10 years of marriage and only very briefly. We’ve discussed that it’s something I’d like for us to try to include in our sex life more, but I worry that I’ll be guilting her into it by asking bluntly.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      How about this? Talk about it outside the bedroom and not during a sexual encounter. Tell your wife that you’d like to try it more often and why. Ask what concerns, if any, she has and what she would like. Then when you get together, remind her of the conversation (seductively, if you can) and go for it. Also, you can ask bluntly and nicely at the same time. That is, don’t tell her what to do so much as ask if she could oblige you.

      One more idea: Read my Oral Sex chapter in my Hot, Holy, and Humorous book together and then suggest trying out some of the ideas! 😉

      Reply
  18. Anonymous this time

    When my wife and i are intimate, once or twice a year, my clothes never even come off. She wants a long massage followed by oral for her until climax then she just wants to roll over and go to sleep. The last time this happened i left the room with my shoes still on. I would settle for any touch, let alone oral.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      How heartbreaking! Surely you’ve talked to her about this. Yes? It sounds like she has some real issues to work through, but I don’t know what those are. You’re both missing out on the intimacy you should have, and I pray you pursue answers and healing. Blessings!

      Reply
  19. Name Withheld for my wife

    As usual, a real eye opener here, J. Especially thinking about the wife’s enjoyment, and the sense of power that actually works both ways. My own wife is either in the mood or she’s not, and especially when it comes to “next level” stuff like blow jobs – and usually, when it comes to this, “not”

    There was one blessedly erotic weekend, though, when she was all in, and clearly enjoying the power she had over me, as you mention. I’ve since realized that the giving and receiving of power, being assertive and, submissive at the same time, or better yet, taking turns in rapid succession excites the daylights out of me as a man. A weekend to remember, for sure.

    Thanks for jogging the memories and making us think.

    Reply

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