Hot, Holy & Humorous

What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)

True story: Some husbands really want oral sex from their wives, and their wives are adamantly against it.

Other than concerns about whether it’s okay with God, the most cited reasons I hear for wives withholding this sexual act are hygiene and the ick factor. I’ve discussed hygiene and reassured wives that there is nothing problematic about that (unless one of you currently has a sexually transmitted disease or infection).

Today I want to tackle the ick factor — the I just don’t want to put his thing in my mouth! issue. Because when your husband says he wants oral sex, it may not be what you think.

Set of lips + blog post title

When we hear “oral sex” or “blow job,” we imagine a woman’s mouth enveloping the penis, then the man thrusting in and out to reach an apex of pleasure. But in actuality, a lot of oral sex doesn’t look like that picture.

Oral sex only means one or both of you are using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitalia. That’s it. You’re not required to engulf your husband’s penis into your mouth. If you’re nervous about that, and I understand some wives really are, you have many other options you can explore:

  • Kissing the head of his penis
  • Licking the head of his penis
  • Sucking the head of his penis
  • Kissing the shaft of his penis
  • Licking the shaft of his pens
  • Kissing his testicles (as always, be careful and gentle!)

While down there, you can also vary your kisses and your sucking, from peck kisses to licking kisses, and from light sucking on the skin to more pressured sucking of the penis. You can also use your tongue in a gazillion ways, or at least a lot — flicking, licking, twirling, pumping, etc.

It doesn’t have to look like a classic “blow job” for your husband to enjoy your mouth on his manhood. He may be thrilled for your lips to simply kiss and lick the soft head of his penis. Your tongue licking the length of his shaft may send him right over the edge. He might adore you adding mouth contact while you’re giving him a hand job, or he’s taking care of that part, stacking one pleasure on top of another.

Ask him.

Ask what he means when he says he wants oral sex. If you don’t want to do something he suggests, maybe there is a form of oral play you’d be willing to do and you can negotiate. You might even discover that using your mouth for his pleasure gives you pleasure as well.

Put frankly: You don’t have to swallow him or his stuff to have oral sex. Just start with light kisses and progress from there. God made that skin on your husband so sensitive, and it might make your hubby very happy to have some added oral attention there.

Okay, guys — yes, I’m asking specifically from the hubbies — what oral sex would you be happy for your wife to perform? (Of course, wives are always welcome to comment too!)

122 thoughts on “What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)”

  1. For me it’s the light kisses and the gentleness in which she puts it in her mouth that really get. The “deep throating” and swallowing is great but I prefer the teasing aspect of slow and gentle.

    1. Use a flavored condom. I think Satan has had a field day dividing husbands and wives on the issue of sexuality. We should desire to give and receive from and to the one we have set our affection on for life. Husbands and wives are missing out on so much of what God created.

      1. DL — you’ve landed on an incredibly insightful aspect of life. The scriptures tells us Satan desires to “sift us like wheat.” He destroys the pure and virtuous joy of sexuality with pornography, then collapses our efforts to fight that destruction by convincing many that whatever is depicted within pornography is wicked and evil and should not be done in marriage.

        It’s a complete flipping of the truth: Whatever happens within a loving, trusting, supportive, caring, and God-centered marriage should not be depicted for the world to see. Sadly many remain convinced of this lie. Tension between husband and wife increase. Lives are saddened and potential successes we might enjoy in all aspects of life are smothered by a blanket of stress and need and unfulfilled yearnings. We begin to doubt ourselves, our spouses, and whether or not we are following any of God’s commands. What an incredibly perfect plan.

  2. I have never understood women who are reluctant to orally pleasure their husbands. My husband and I do have an understanding that when he’s about to climax he lets me “tap out” because that part I just can’t do! Lol. But I love to do this for my husband because it is the one time that he has to do absolutely nothing but enjoy himself. And honestly it’s fun to try different techniques like you suggest just to see what makes him respond more. If you haven’t done it, give it a try! If you are like me you will find that it gives him so much pleasure that you start enjoying it more too.

    1. I also “tap out”, for the same reason…. I have found a good compromise is to “catch it” in a towel or wash cloth (so it’s not so messy) and continue to suck on/play with his balls while he ejaculates….. Rocks his world!! ??

      1. It isn’t an ick thing for me in what it is, I really and truly want to be able to do that for my husband. He would LOVE for me to but it is a texture thing. I can’t eat puddings or jello or anything that is somewhat slimy because it just turns my stomach! I always think “I’ll surprise him and do it tonight” then I start to think of the feeling in my mouth and almost gag at the thought. I’m sure he would rather finish up another way than to have to stop all together and clean me up!! Lol

        1. chayne Goines

          Im a texture person and I cannot eat jello or pudding either. But it is not the same texture. Its more like a gooey syrup.

      1. For all of you ladies who are having difficulty taking the semen into your mouths, do a Google search on “retrograde ejaculation” and learn how to do this by pressing his urethra against the pubic bone (absolutely painless!) in the perianal area . He can then experience the fullness of orgasming with his penis in your mouth without your having to take in any semen. If he’s older and can no longer feel it coursing through his urethra he might not even sense that anything’s different.

        1. From what I see, “retrograde ejaculation” is considered a medical problem, not a sex technique. In fact, this problem is linked to male infertility. So I would not recommend it.

    2. I keep him stimulated until he does reach climax and then spit it out. He has never complained, in fact because he knows that it grosses me out so he often hurries me to the bathroom. The hard part for me is hair. I cannot stand pubic hair, his or mine. That is the ice factor for me. We both want to get waxed, but don’t know where or even if we did it ourselves what equipment to buy. Ideas?

      1. There are plenty of over-the-counter options, and I know there are spas that do this. Even trimming with a razor might help.

  3. It took me some time to be okay with the idea of performing oral sex on my husband. The idea of it was a little weird at first, plus I have a veeery sensitive gag reflex so taking him in deeply, like to my throat, isn’t an option. But I do pretty much exactly what you suggest: licking, sucking, kissing, etc, without deep “throat penetration.” Often I also use my hands to get him to climax while keeping the head in my mouth. He doesn’t always come in my mouth, but he loves it when I’m willing to do that. And I rarely swallow; most husbands, I think, won’t mind if you quickly spit into a washcloth or a sink. They’ll just be thrilled you were willing to do that at all! 🙂

    I will add that we’ve found this to be excellent foreplay as long as he doesn’t climax, although add a little lube (like coconut oil, as long as you’re not using condoms) before he enters, as your own saliva can be uncomfortable in your vagina (or at least I’ve found this to be true).

    1. For those that don’t like the taste of coconut, the cheaper brands like LouAnna have almost no coconut taste at all. If you like that flavor, you may have to spend more money on an organic to get it.

  4. I never engulf the entire shafts during oral sex. I usually use more hand and add the mouth in other ways. My husband loves this and drives him crazy. Remember, it’s about doing something you’re both comfortable with and enjoy.

  5. I actually love to perform oral sex on my husband. And he equally enjoys returning the favor. But most of our couple friends are not the same. I’ve found that most women seem to shy away from giving or receiving. I wish they could understand what they are missing out on. I absolutely LOVE having the ability to drive my husband completely crazy. I’d say I perform oral sex on him at least half the time we have sex. Sometimes it’s just foreplay. Other times it’s the whole shebang! Ladies, give it a concerted effort. I didn’t know what I was doing at first either but we figured it out. I even had some concerns about ickyness. Suggest a quick shower first. He’s not likely to complain! Enjoy!!

  6. Any type of play would be fun. It doesn’t have to be so serious. In fact, I think having my whole penis in her mouth would be potentially painful and I don’t find giving my wife pain as enjoyable. So, for me, licking the head and down the side sounds like fun times. Can I return the favor? That sounds even more fun.

  7. i enjoy oral sex with my husband, because i like it and he LOVES it. There is an intimacy in this act of love that is not any other expression of love.

  8. As a man, any oral genital contact is welcomed. The more vigorous or animated, the better. Frankly any spousal genital contact is highly encouraged!

    But wait there is more! Listen to him and his audible responses as well as look for the visual clues. Eye to eye contact is very important. And be expressive to him with your eyes. Show him that you lives him with the look in your eyes.

    Oh, and remember that if you are audible, it will add to the stimulus. If you him or moan, he will feel it!

    Lastly, if you start this, then by all means take him all the way. Weather it is orally, a hand job, or otherwise, make sure he has resolution. Don’t leave him hanging… unless he wants you to.

  9. My wife has always givin me oral sex as foreplay. Recently, she started swallowing my stuff after 35 years of marriage. She began at my prompting and it has definitely added a new dimension to our good sex life. The ick factor was the issue with her all along, but she said if I wanted her to swallow my fruit, and that would please me, she would accommodate.

    Personally, any oral sex is welcome, but this recent addition has greatly enhanced our sexual love connection. She likes dining it for me, and really, I can’t seem to get enough oral sex, especially now.

  10. Can I just say a HUGE “THANK YOU!” for being so frank and honest about sexuality and how we can please our husbands! I so wish this information could be shared prevelantly in the Christian community… and thanks to the other commentors for some tips! 🙂

      1. You author a very brave and bold blog, J. It’s a very needed ministry, especially among the churched who are sometimes ill-informed or doctrinally discouraged and denied.

  11. This from a husband who gets infrequent but wonderful oral sex from my terrific wife. The fact is, I love the fact that she is willing to do it at all, and any attention I can get to my man parts, either from her hand or her lips and tongue, is divine. I find it highly erotic, and there is no need for me to be “completely engulfed by her mouth” to get great enjoyment from it. Hey, I have a gag reflex as well, and just trying to scratch my throat with my toothbrush brings on the reflex. I am sympathetic to having my penis in her mouth far enough to induce the gag reflex – and I hope I am bigger than the average toothbrush!

    What I think most husbands would desire (tho I can only speak for myself, as this isn’t a common topic among married gentlemen) is loving touches, with the hand and the mouth and the tongue, on our most sensitive body part.

    But, fellas, don’t be expecting something you won’t reciprocate. My wife enjoys oral sex as well, and I’d never expect her to do something I wasn’t willing to do myself. Great foreplay, both ways. Or it can be the main event. Or it can be a special giving or receiving time for one partner. But be sure to take turns.

  12. Wish I could send this to my wife. Assuming she would even read it, it would be met with contempt, if not outright disgust, at best.

    1. You and me both brother! I used to send things to my wife from this blog and others but she gets furious if I even mention sex. She demanded that I stop sending her anything about sex. I bought a copy of “Sex Savvy” but she refuses to read it. She doesn’t read things written about sex from anyone christian or not and she takes exception to anything I say about it saying that I am telling her that she doesn’t know how to “do sex”. We have been married over thirty years and it has been pretty much the same since the very beginning. I have been trying to make the best of it but I am getting very tired of the struggle. We are in marriage counseling now but if I don’t see some improvement soon this might be our last year together…

      1. I hear you! My wife and I have significant sexual issues and my wife just fired our couples counselor. It prompted me to take some more action, and I found a book at the library called “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner-Davis. While not a Christian-based book, so far she has described both my wife (the low-drive spouse) and me (the high-drive spouse) with an astounding amount of accuracy.

        She said something like, “Ever notice that the all the articles and books you have given your (low-drive spouse) have ended up as an excellent pile of dust collectors?”

        I am looking forward to reading more of this book (so far wife has been somewhat interested, which shocked me) as it has sections geared toward each spouse and it has solutions for each spouse. She also points out that you can have an effect on your marriage even if you are the only one who is changing.

        1. Sorry — I realize I’m showing up to the party when all that’s left is a little ginger-ale and lots of overturned red, plastic cups.

          Nonetheless, could J address this issue experienced by Steve and Andy (and myself)? I’m sure you’ve hit the topic before — maybe just direct us to a previous post. I’ve done this all wrong. I’ve been trying to bring about a change in my marriage by being the one doing the changing. That part is good and true (’cause I can change my wife about as much as she can change me). This changing is causing friction. I’ve unwillingly hurt my wife by “reading all these relationship books.” — she thinks she’s been a lousy spouse because I’m trying to fix something she’s never seen as broken.

          I’m not sure how to counteract this. I’ve shared with her how much I love her and our marriage and am trying to find ways to improve it for the long haul. Again, she doesn’t see our sexual lives as anything needing improvement. We were, I thought, making some strides and improving our communication. This has stopped. She doesn’t want to talk about sex any more. She tells me I’m engaging in my own form of Christian porn (which I read and discuss openly? Not quite the definition of pornography).

          Maybe it’s time for a third party and some counseling. I’ve tossed out all the books everyone in this situation has undoubtedly had in their growing library of “dust collectors.” I feel I have a moral duty to be happy — if anything for the benefit of not being a burden to others. But lately it’s not working and I’m slipping into a miasma of sadness that’s beginning to affect my outlook on everything. The other day a coworker came into my office and sincerely asked if someone had passed away. I didn’t know I was wearing so much sackcloth and ashes.

          1. I think I should put a big question like this in the Q&A pile. I guarantee others are experiencing something similar. Thanks so much! I’ll give this some deeper thought and respond soon. Blessings!

  13. This was something I was adamant I would NEVER do, but a few months after marriage, my husband suggested it, and I thought about it, so next time I tried. At first I just took the shaft ‘sideways’ between my lips, then worked my courage, after the first few times, to come up below the head (avoiding the opening) to finally having no restraint at all. Boy am I glad I was willing to try, because it’s actually my favorite of everything we do together! He doesn’t usually let me ‘finish him off’ but I love it when he does.

  14. Thanks so much, J, for your willingness to take on difficult topics with thoughtfulness and care. I think that one step at a time is a great way to approach this if the wife (or husband) is hesitant for any reason. And to talk about it, even if it seems difficult. I have learned by trial and error (LOTS of error) that not talking about these things is incredibly unhelpful!

  15. Yay for addressing this. I know a lot of wives struggle with the ick factor. In fact, maybe you should address at some point women letting their husbands give them oral. That is also something I hear women say they can’t get over the ick factor of too.

    1. Yes, please–I have trouble relaxing enough when my husband wants to go down there to really enjoy it. He seems to like it and every so often he’ll do stuff as a part of foreplay, but — and I feel like a terrible wife for admitting it — it’s almost a relief when he’s done.

      Also, I don’t like tasting myself afterwards when he kisses me…

      I do oral for him and we both really enjoy it–it would be great if we could figure out more the other way too!

      1. I don’t like to kiss my hubby after he goes down on me either. In fact he knows that if he wants to make out it is all before because my lips are off limits after he is finished with me. Haha. He doesn’t mind at all. All you need to do is tell him you don’t like it and he won’t try to kiss you after. Just lay back and enjoy it!

      2. Your comments could have been mine, several years ago with my first husband. But now it’s completely different. And NO, I am not suggesting you need a different husband! I needed a different attitude. 🙂 I love receiving from him, and actually find the taste when he kisses me to be a turn-on. The book that really helped me is Holy Sex, by Michael Pearl. (I didn’t have J’s blog or books that long ago.)

  16. Again, another excellent blog post!!!!

    Extremely happy to see other wives that love giving Oral Sex to their husbands as much as I do!!!

  17. Jim Van Handel

    Above Jamie mentions coconut oil and condoms. There are Zero studies that show coconut oil damages condoms. It has a radically different chemical make up than mineral oil / baby oil which definitely destroys them. Blow two up like a balloon, coat one with coconut oil the other mineral oil let stand over night. Push down with your finger, see what happens. Can add a 3rd balloon with nothing on it and compare to coconut oil. Two different oils, two different results. Coconut oil always wins! Jim

    1. Huh. There are many people who swear by coconut oil. It’s not something I know much about, so I appreciate others piping up on that subject. Thanks, Jim.

      1. From the bit of research I’ve seen, it looks like latex and coconut oil don’t play well together. Other condoms might be okay with coconut oil. I suggest looking it up and confirming. Best wishes!

        1. Jim Van Handel

          Regarding Coconut Oil and Condoms. I cannot find the link to the two studies that I read right now. Both said the chemical make up of coconut oil and petroleum oil is radically different. Just because it says oil does not mean it reacts like oil to a latex condom. The easiest way to prove it is the balloon experiment. Blow up a condom or two, cover in coconut oil wait twice as long as hubby normally lasts and try to pop it! If it does not pop ….. It has not been damaged. If nothing else it does make a fun experiment!!!

          1. Jim Van Handel

            I have seen this study previously. I believe you are referring to page 40. Please note this discussion on page 40 continues onto page 41 where it says no actual testing of the products, including coconut oil was performed. The reference study is from Jamaica, a clinic where HIV positive men were asked What lubricant did you use? If they used a lubricant, any lubricant and they contacted HIV, the conclusion was that lubricant may have caused a condom to fail and the man contracted HIV

          2. Jim Van Handel

            Darn phone! The Jamaican study concluded if you used a lubricant and guy HIV it was “possible” the lubricant contributed to getting HIV. This was from the interviews, no actual testing! I will try to find the other studies, later.

          3. Interesting! Thanks for going the extra mile on that. I tend to seek several sources before drawing the conclusion that I’m a-okay to throw caution to the wind. So I’d just encourage those wanting to try coconut oil and condoms to check it out themselves!

            Thanks, Jim…and others. 🙂

  18. We are both carriers of oral herpes. We have never done oral either way and I’m okay with that. We’ve been married almost 14 years. We have had several conversations about it and we are afraid of the herpes issue. I have a terrible gag reflex and it just doesn’t seem like the risk is worth it. We were both virgins when we married. I do not feel like our sex life is lacking since we don’t participate in this aspect of sex. Thanks for tackling a tough issue.

    1. Yep, there’s definitely a caveat for those who carry STDs. Thanks for your comment. And no, I don’t think this act must be a part of marriage for satisfying sexual intimacy. Thankfully, there are many options!

    2. Wife and I both have oral herpes and we have oral sex as long as there are no blisters on our mouth. If either one of us has a blister (usually me) we won’t even kiss. Been married 20 years, no problems yet.

      1. Yes, I understand that. Those with herpes must be vigilant about checking for outbreaks if this is the route they choose. Thanks!

  19. I just wanna say wow! You hear so much
    In the Christian community especially about how “taboo” these things are. I agree God made our sexual organs sensitive to touch. That doesn’t just mean our hands or our own sex organs. I have recently fell in love with orally pleasing my soon to be husband. I know another “taboo.” I used to have a huge issue with the ick factor and a sensitive gag reflex and our sex life really suffered. So… I prayed about it. We started talking more and opening up to one another and I tried your typical blowjob. He loved it and surprisingly so did I. Ladies talk to your man and men talk to your ladies. Your brain is your biggest sex organ and believe me it packs a punch!

    1. Danaca, I don’t know you or your situation personally, but I really encourage you to pray about your actions and make sure you are lined up with what God wants for your life. You mention talking about sexual topics and premarital sex in the same category of “taboo”, while one is something that is biblically mandated (older women teaching the younger to love their husbands, etc.) and the other is biblically forbidden (having sex with anyone except the one person you’re married to).

      I pray that you and your husband will have an awesome married sex life and that you will be able to put your knowledge to use, but entreat you to make sure you are following God’s plan so your lives are pleasing to Him and He can bless your relationship!

  20. I would prefer a long lick up the underside of my shaft and a lick/suck on my penis head, combined with a handjob.

  21. Your information is so helpful and above all I appreciate your frankness. Tough to find in the Christian community. Thank you for your frankness.

  22. Receiving – I agree with Keelie, receiving is difficult for me. Not that it doesn’t feel good, but I know he thinks it takes a lot of time and I feel that it’s icky, there’s odor, etc.

    1. I used to wonder why guys like to do that because it is wet and has an odor and all that. I wouldn’t want to put my face down there! So I just asked my husband what it tasted like and why he enjoyed doing it so much and his answer surprised me. He said he never noticed a smell and the taste wasn’t hardly noticeable. He said he doesn’t think about either when he is down there. All he’s thinking about it rocking my world! When I know that he wants to do that I make sure to take a nice long bath and do a little extra grooming and then just sit back and enjoy every minute of it. Like I said above I do not kiss him afterward because I do notice the smell and it is a quick turn off for me but usually when he is finished we have sex with him behind me or some other way that doesn’t put his face right by mine. He laughs about that all the time and says, “it’s just you why does that gross you out?” He loves to tease me about that!

  23. Just wanted to say I “forced” myself to give oral sex to my husband and it took a few times but was surprised to find I like doing it. His enjoyment was very worth it! And I like the taste of my husband. If you don’t like the taste of him change what you feed him. Garlic and other strong food will make his stuff taste different. Just an FYI 🙂

  24. Excellent topic. I, as well as many others, appreciate your openness and courage to talk about sexual topics and this is a good one! I am in agreement with you that there is likely an “ick” factor with many women and we have heard above that it is usually just fear of the unknown. With courage to try it, many women and men find it extremely pleasuring and generally end up loving it for many reasons. For me, I think the intimacy of the mouth as well as the softness that God designed it with is truly a gift couples should give to each other. The pleasure I feel when my wife orally loves me is extraordinary. I feel so incredibly loved when she wants to give me pleasure and is willing to give visual and mouth stimulation to my genitals. I would take this a step farther by saying there is a spiritual component that we tap into when we focus total attention on our partners genitals. I, at times, feel I yearn for sexual attention that is tremendously fulfilled by direct visual and oral contact directly on my penis. It makes me feel cared for and truly loved. I think this is a spiritual love as it truly encompasses loving the other because your attention (Scott peck says Love IS attention) is totally on their body with the INTENTION of bringing them one of the most enjoyable pleasures that we were designed to appreciate, namely sexual pleasure. When we give to our spouse in this way we make them feel completely clean, lovable, adored, and trusted. Is there anything negative on that list?
    In a world where we often feel dirty (especially us Christians in the church) isn’t it a gift to offer the feeling of cleanness and purity to our spouses that they so deserve? I feel God would bless us as we offer this to them. Not just a physical blessing which it certainly is, but also a spiritual blessing which would compound the love, trust, and bond we are intended to have with the one God chose specifically for us.
    Of course all of this goes both ways as many women inherently feel dirty and unclean as well. Both genders appreciate the feelings, a tongue on the head of the penis or the tongue on the vaginal lips and around the clitoris.
    J. I think God is applauding you for sharing and blogging as you do. You have courage beyond so many!!
    Thanks for the awesome work and information you share which is TRULY healing the Christian community! BRAVO!

  25. I appreciate J’s ability to discuss sensitive topics candidly and with dignity. This was something that my wife, of almost 20 years, had a hard time with in our marriage. I never pushed it on her and let her do what she was comfortable with. I love it that she even tries by kissing and licking. She very rarely will insert it into her mouth, and I am just fine with that. It feels wonderful the way she kisses and licks the entire area. Her issue has always been the taste. Recently she discovered that if she puts a little pudding on the head she is able to take it into her mouth. This has helped enough that she has even made the suggestion that she “needs pudding” the past couple of months.

    As J explained, you do not have to put it in your mouth. Any kind of kissing and licking feels amazing! My wife is awesome, not because she does these things, but because she tries it on her own accord because she wants to pleasure me. She is an amazing woman! And yes, I always return the favor, I love giving oral to her!

    1. I must agree with the above comment that having me fully in her mouth is not as important as the creativity and variety she brings with her lips and tongue movements. I find the underside of my shaft and around the head area are most sensitive/pleasurable. This will usually bring me to the pre-ejaculatory phase where there is a small amount of clear fluid that comes out.
      I would say, from a man’s perspective, oral pleasuring is truly enjoyed the most when it is done willingly and joyfully by the wife, which emphasizes the comment “on her own accord”. When it is done from her heart it seems to feel the best physically and spiritually. Sometimes doing it spontaneously or at unexpected times, when that’s possible, is also an added pleasure and heightens the sexual tension and that’s always fun!

  26. My husband once said to me, “I’m glad you like my [you know what]” and I realized, men really feel much differently about their sex organs than we women do. It made me feel even more motivated to show him how much I love him.

    1. Very perceptive of you to have realized that Old Bride. We do indeed feel very differently about our sex organs and sexuality than women seem to.

  27. Any kind of contact would be welcome. When we were first married, my wife would perform oral sex occasionally as part of foreplay. Over the years, she’s stopped, but doesn’t have an answer as to why she stopped.
    For me, being present is the greatest factor to enjoyment. If you’re going to be there, be there.

    As we like to say, be a piggy and not a hen.
    The hen makes a contribution to breakfast, but the pig is committed.

  28. Wow, talk about bravery! This is a delicate topic, and one you can’t really talk about in polite conversation. 🙂 I have to say, I’m surprised there are wives who would have this question, but I’ve been married for 20 years (and did not grow up I in a Christian home.) I just mean, when I read the title I chuckled and thought “what else could it possibly mean?”
    I must say though, I used to do this for my husband, but I just recently started again. I am pretty hard on myself, and I just figured this was just one more area in which all other wives were experts and I was a big failure. You see, I have a very hard time getting my husband to “finish” in this way. I used to try and try until I was exhausted, and, nothing! He enjoyed it, but he almost never finished and I’d just give up. I figured I was just really, really bad at it. Or not pretty enough, or a whole list of negatives that I berate myself with. So I gave up altogether for many years.
    Recently we’ve been communicating, and so I tried again, and he still doesn’t usually finish that way, although he assures me I’m not doing it wrong. (But I saw an R rated movie when I was a teenager, and it literally took the guy like two minutes and he was done! So I figured I just don’t have what it takes.
    Anyhow I decided to try again since he does seem to enjoy it, and if I get brave that day we use it as foreplay.

  29. Another Anonymous

    More than anything, I wish she would do it without the eye roll and sigh followed by the “okay”. I know she doesn’t like it but is willing to pleasure me (somewhat). But the obvious attitude kills any joy that can be had. I don’t push for oral, she asks/offers but then lets it be known that this is a duty or service, not a gift joyfully given.

  30. I have been with my husband for 9 years on the 27th of this month (May), and been with him for additional 5 years prior to marriage as well (14 years total!!).

    Oral sex between us doesn’t happen often. Mainly, we do a lot of teasing, and kissing and then we’re in the main event. I do have a little bit of a gag reflex but I usually try NOT to think about it and picture my husband’s manhood as a tasty lollypop. I do have his penis in my mouth going up and down, and licking as well and kissing. I also do hand stroking as well. But eventually, I am able to get him to finish and I do take it. I’ve always swallowed his cum and it’s never a problem for me. I understand, some women don’t want to or don’t care for it. I just personally think it’s more respectful to swallow, but I’ve never seen it as icky. It’s a natural thing. But my husband is always happy when I do this for him.

  31. Thank you J! Why don’t we Christians talk about sex more? I think A lot of marriages would be happier.
    I LOVE giving and receiving oral pleasure with my hot husband. One of the things I love is the smile on his face when I tell him exactly what I want to do to him…like today when I text him at work and told him I would like to have him for dinner tonight! I know he was grinning from ear to ear.
    Must keep it fun and flirty, after almost 10 years, we are still honeymooning!

  32. Let me add, if your wife is getting older and not offering it to you so often, it could be because her neck or back hurts. Try a different position. If you are going to sit, try a higher seat than the edge of the bed.

    1. Same for the guys. Prop her hips up on a pillow or cushion to avoid neck strain and it will likely feel better for her too.

  33. My husband is shy, so he’d be way too mortified to comment about this on a public forum, but I know what he would say – ladies, try some tea bagging. Sorry if it’s not a “technical” term. He is never very vocal, but that earns me some happy sounds. *pats own back and drops mic* (But not all at the same time…I have limits, LOL!)

    Also, swallowing really isn’t icky, I promise. It’s not mouthwash! You don’t need to swish it around and gargle! Just swallow. Once you do it, you’re suddenly a champ. I was terrified for the first dozen or so times I did oral, so my husband warned me so I could bail. Finally, I just got tired of being scared and went for it. It was nothing. Definitely built up in my mind more than it needed to be! 🙂

  34. chayne Goines

    I gift my husband with oral sex often. To see the way he can just relax and enjoy being us without worrying about anything else in the world is a gift to me. Knowing I can please him in that way definitely gives me a “chip on my shoudler” kind of feeling. He absolutely loves it! He really enjoys when I tease up to the main event. Get close then move somewhere else then inch a little closer then move back then gently tease working my way up to taking on the whole shaft until he finishes. It drives him wild. And it is not as “icky” as I first imagined it. Its mostly just warm, salty, and bitter. He finishes and I swallow. I dont swish or anything like that. I dont even have time to figure out the texture for it to gross me out. It comes out and I swallow.

  35. Ladies try coating his member with pineapple juice or your favorite flavor! For starters try whipped cream and strawberries. I love it coated with Nutella-yummy!

  36. I have a question: Hubby and i both enjoy oral sex. I orgasm easily orally. Yet he doesnt. He used to get frustrated when i had to stop because my jaw was sore from being open long. I done all the other things listed. He said he enjoys deep throating the most. Hes only come once in my mouth in 28 yrs and that was him on top. (I thought i was going to choke!). What else am i suppose to do? He says its my fault. That there is nothing wrong with him.

    1. A few things to think about:

      1. I had to pause before answering this one, because my instinctual reaction was to flinch back at your husband saying it’s your fault. But then I realized it was my later, well-considered reaction too. Because hello! you’re trying to turn him on and get him there, and this isn’t a simple process. Even if things don’t work exactly so…hey, puh-leasure! Also, if you’ve been married 28 years, he’s obviously older and less likely to come quickly. So this “your fault” thing isn’t jiving for me.

      Whatever goes awry in the sexual department of a marriage is a WE issue. You’re in this together. He needs to see you as being on his side, and this situation not as a your fault/my fault deal. It just is, and if he wants to “fix it” (though I’m not even sure it needs fixing), then flinging blame isn’t going to help.

      2. Second, if he enjoys deep-throating, fine…but you can’t keep that up for a super-long time. So that may need to wait until he’s much closer to climax, and then you can indulge that desire.

      3. Third, jaws can get sore. But it might help if (a) you get to take a few breaks and switch to stroking him with your hand before returning, (b) you vary your mouth’s actions so that you’re not using your jaw in the same way throughout, (c) you open your mouth fairly wide, beyond his size, to avoid unintentional clenching.

      4. Fourth, maybe he really won’t orgasm that way. Some guys don’t. In which case, I suggest you offer that you’re willing to engage in oral sex as foreplay, but because his climax is important to you, you’ll need to switch to another activity to finish him off. Why is that a bad thing? You get to enjoy one another’s bodies, be intimate together, give each other pleasure, and reach climax. That sounds like a good deal to most couples.

      Blessings and best wishes! Thanks for your question, Marilyn.

    2. Marilyn, there was an old Laurel and Hardy movie where they attempted to deliver an upright piano to this house at the top of a hill. There was an incredibly long set of stairs going up to the front door. They’d get about halfway up and have to take a break because they were tired, and the piano would slide back down the stairs to the bottom, and they’d have to start all over again. This scenario is similar to giving oral sex. Regardless to “porn” flicks, it can take a long time to get your husband to orgasm from oral sex. So, what to do when you need a break? Switch to using your hands! Whatever rhythm you were using with your mouth, do it a little more rapidly with your hands. While you’re resting your mouth muscles, use your voice to tell him how much you’re enjoying the taste of him. Then quickly switch back to using your mouth once you’re rested. Don’t get discouraged!

  37. Helpful article, J. Thanks for your reasoned treatment of this issue.

    Husbands have already covered this well in the above comments, but I will add my 2 cents. For me, variety is important. If my wife does all one thing and does not vary what she does, it is not as enjoyable. As well, switching between licking and sucking and even taking a break and just doing hand stroking for several seconds or more makes it easier for the wife, I think.

    When the oral sex is the main event, and not simply part of foreplay, to be honest I do like to be able to finish in her mouth. And, I think wives ought to consider that (at least occasionally) letting their husband climax that way is very special for the husband – emotionally as well as physically. The swallowing or not swallowing for many husbands is not a big deal, but it feels much better to be able to just let go and fully enjoy the moment while she continues her stimulation. For the wife who is reluctant here, try letting him cum in your mouth now and then. You may find it is no big deal after all. (Of course, have him signal you so you can be ready.)

    As a generalist blogger who has written on many subjects, it is somewhat amusing to me that the few essays I have posted on oral sex within marriage have had the most readers over time. 😉

    1. For my 2 cents, I’m going to strongly echo Larry. If oral stimulation is not just some rabbit trail during foreplay, but actually the main event, being able to finish in your wife’s mouth feels like an essential nonessential. Like a restaurant that sends out your food and says “Oh, you didn’t know we don’t provide forks? We don’t. You have to eat this pasta with your fingers. But it’s the best pasta around.”

      Attitude has been covered as well, and was spot on when it was. A sense of adventure and experimentation about it will mask any technical deficiencies you fear he’ll notice. Sex is a mental exercise for us as well, Ladies. And if we believe you WANT to be with us–pasty, smelly, balding, and boring as we know we are, it means the world to us. We know we aren’t sex gods. We don’t think that we shouldn’t have to endure the attentions of any woman who hasn’t earned her doctorate in male pleasuring. We aren’t grading each lick like a gymnastics routine. We couldn’t pay enough attention to do that. Our wife wants to have her mouth on our penis! Our brains have gone fuzzy to everything but that one fact. What you do there matters so little compared to knowing you want to be there.

      But for the sake of helpfulness, some techniques you can try that I fantasize about feeling when I imagine my wife pleasuring me would be just throw a kiss or two onto the head of the penis as a bonus during a hand job. Just a prolonged peck. Would drive me crazy. “She thinks it’s/I’m lovable!” Going more directly, tracing your tongue up the shaft with some extra flicking action as you go up onto the head would be great. And as for something to do with him in your mouth, holding firm pressure around him with your lips, creating a vacuum in your mouth so you’re kinda squeezing tight on him, just start flexing and rolling your tongue so different parts apply pressure in different ways. But all that is pure fantasy, not experience. I’ve never experienced the joy of an exploratory wife, so what little OS I got was very mechanically done, and I haven’t had any oral pleasure in at least five years. Like another commenter above, never been told why, only not to ask about it ever again. My wife doesn’t even kiss me south of my neck, presumably so as not to give me hope of OS.

      1. I think the focus for most men often is that I love your manhood message. It’s a level of acceptance and appreciation to perform this act for a husband — whatever form it takes. And I hope your wife can talk about her concerns at some point, and y’all can work through the OS issue.

        1. I agree J that for most men it is about acceptance and appreciation and shows that the wife loves her husband’s manhood. I would just venture to add that another facet of oral sex for the receiving husband is that it shows his wife’s sexual confidence to both give and enjoy giving oral sex to him. A wife that is comfortable doing this for her husband, and who enjoys doing this and shows genuine enthusiasm makes the experience so much better for the husband. One might say that this sexual confidence and enthusiasm from the wife is a psychological and emotional turn-on for her husband and that enhances the experience for him. A giving act on the part of the wife, yes, but one that gives soooo much to the husband.

        2. This is true. Most wives have no idea how insecure we husbands are about our manhood. Is it too small? Is it too big? We don’t talk much about our insecurities, because we believe it’s not macho to appear less than confident, but the truth is, we depend on our wives A LOT for validation. That’s stupid, I know, but the late George Carlin said it best: “Women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the reason women are crazy is because men are stupid.”

  38. For those concerned with the “icky” factor, lead off by washing your partner with Johnson & Johnson tear-free baby shampoo. It makes a great wash for the husband and wife. Easy to use, it washes off without an aftertaste, and that tender flesh will start off squeaky clean (bad odors and flavors come from bacteria and other microorganisms growing in the body’s natural lubricants and oils,) nevermind the enhanced foreplay.

  39. J, could we discuss anal soon? My husband loves it, I hate it. I have firmly told him no, but he still jokes about it and mentions it as if I am going to change my mind. I won’t. How do I maintain that boundary and find other ways to please him?

  40. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Week | Married Christian Sex

  41. I think that for some Christian wives, even kissing the penis is gross. So any form of OS is off limits. Personally, I am in this situation. After 35 years of marriage, any form of OS is off limits. When I have performed OS on her, she did could not enjoy it…why should I do a “gross thing” on her?

    I do want to encourage other Christian husbands in similar situation…it is not a “hill to die on”. OS is not essential or required in the marriage bed.

  42. Question for husbands. I enjoy doing this for my husband, and he seems to enjoy it – but he almost never “finishes” – and I try until I’m simply exhausted. Usually we use this as foreplay and then move on to other things. But not being able to finish him in this way makes me feel like a complete loser. It makes me not want to do it anymore because I’m sure I must be doing it wrong. He says I’m doing everything just fine and he loves it. But that can’t be true, because I was under the impression that this is a man’s favorite event and most men can barely last a minute if their wife pleases them in this way. So what gives? Why won’t he just tell me if I’m not doing it right? It’s frustrating.

    1. Nope. That whole “men can barely last for a minute” is just not right. Yes, a newbie to this sex thing might have that reaction, and some men do respond very easily to this act. But it’s by no means a given, and plenty of men don’t climax with oral sex.

      If your hubby loves it, stop feeling like a loser. You’re a total winner in his mind! Let him enjoy, and feel great for the pleasure you bring him.

      1. My husband makes it last as long as he can! He loves for me to bring him close and then slow down so he can keep me going. He has never climaxed because of oral sex but instead likes it as foreplay. He usually doesn’t last long after we have sex but he prefers sex as a way of climax. Your husband is enjoying every minute of it, I guarantee it! (and as a wife who does not like to have semen in my mouth I’d consider you lucky that he doesn’t climax during oral, but that’s just me!)

  43. Hello! First let me say, “Where have you been all my married life?!?!?!”
    With that said, married almost 13 years. Our sex life is lacking in variety, but I have over then last few months started on a quest to better it. Finally got hubby on board to read a book aboout sex together. Woo hoo!
    Here’s the catch: we found out this week that he leaves in 2 weeks for a class for work for 3 weeks. So, we decided to wait until he returns in mid June to start it.
    We were virgins when we married and like I said, clueless and chicken. Both of us. I thought maybe I should try this out before he leaves so that it’ll keep him thinking while he’s gone. Should I ask him if he’d like to? I think/hope he’d enjoy the freedom of it, but like I said we are both starting this journey of openness in our marriage. So, yeah, I want to try it for him, but nervous. Oy. Thanks for any words wisdom.
    oh! One more question:and it may seem silly, but didn’t notice before, is a man’s semen different after a vasectomy?

    1. Last question first: Is a man’s semen different after a vasectomy? Not noticeably so. Same consistency and all that.

      First question: My take is there’s no time like the present. If he doesn’t want to engage now, you mentioning it as a possibility when he returns could make him that much more eager to get back home. But you know your husband best, and some people would like that, while it could make others a little crazy while they’re away thinking about that. Just decide if you want that to be a send-off or welcome-home gift. There’s no wrong answer here. 😉

  44. For my birthday a few months ago, my wife gave me oral for the first time. We’ve been married for nearly 12 years and dated for 18 months before that. She’s always been reluctant about taking the lead when it comes to any aspect of sex. It took a lot of asking and encouraging to even get her to touch me down there… I say encouraging because she always makes comments about how she’s no good at it. Of course, I think that’s ridiculous! I mean, if she’s doing it wrong, I really don’t think I could handle her doing it right! For the first few years of our marriage I got pretty hurt when she wasn’t intersted in even as little fondling… I always felt like a jerk for asking and even more of a jerk when I could tell it made her feel uncomfortable.
    I absolutly adore my wife! She’s my best friend and I love every moment we spend together.
    I really had to give my desires to the Lord… for one, I had to make sure I wasn’t being selfish. Also, forcing your desires on your wife is horrible, so it either had to be me, letting it go, or her openness about our sexuality would have to change. Only God can change a person.
    I guess over the years we both changed and that’s what marriage is (at least partly) about… being adaptable and flexible to please your mate. I don’t feel hurt and rejected if she doesn’t want to try something new and she is more open to trying new thing occasionally.
    When she finally was willing to try, I reassured her that I don’t really have any desire to finish in her mouth. If she decided she liked it I was game, but I like oral as a part of foreplay. For the most part she’s comfortable with what your bullet points listed. That’s A-okay with me! It was wonderful!
    Thanks for your blog! I’ve looked in to several Christian sex advice blogs and usually feel a bit of a check about some of their views. Everything we’ve read on your blog has felt very solid and based not only on freedom of sexuality in marriage but also bounderies and maturity.

    1. Thanks for the compliment, Zach. I feel a real responsibility to try to get things right here, to benefit marriages and honor God.

      And I love your perspective of not forcing the issue, but then…she came around to it. Blessings to your marriage and your marriage bed!

  45. I have been married for 15 years. In the beginning I did this fairly often and then slowed down over time. Had kids, got busy, and could barely fit in sex, much less foreplay. This past year my husband and I have been working on this issue. We have been spending more time alone and naturally our sex lives have improved. We have returned to increased foreplay and I have been performing OS a lot more recently. My husband loves it!! Ladies, if you haven’t tried it, trust me, it’s worth it. I am not that special or beautiful but my husband would follow me off a cliff after I do this for him! He always warns me and I allow him to cum in my mouth but do not swallow. I think for him, it shows him I care about him physically as well as emotionally. He tells me it is the most relaxed he can ever be. I want to give that to him.
    J. thank you for your column. You tackle topics that allows us to share information that is just too intimate to share in person. 🙂

  46. nursing mother

    A little late but I have a question, I breastfeed my 5month old, and I’m sure you know how everything we eat and drink somehow goes to the milk which goes to baby, even if I don’t “swallow” isn’t some of the juice making its way down my throat? I’ve read so many articles where one will say it’s OK and the other says it’s not? Even if it is harmless I don’t want my baby drinking semen???

    1. I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s completely safe. Why would I say that? Because of the contents of the semen and the amount you ingest. You’ll get maybe a teaspoon or so, and it’s composed of only 5-10% sperm, plus a mixture of proteins, vitamins, and minerals. It’s not superfood, but it’s pretty healthy stuff. And your baby isn’t going to get much if any of it anyway.

      Here’s an interesting article with Facts About Male Ejaculation.

    2. Im not a doctor either, but I took enough biology in college for biochemistry to be a minor. I’m 100% sure you’re baby will not be drinking semen. It’s going to your stomach. You’re stomach has a pH of less than 1. It’s very acidic. Sperm don’t like acid. Then it goes to your intestines. Everything is broken down into simple sugars and amino acids before it gets in your bloodstream (where it needs to be to get in your milk). Your baby will *definitely* not be drinking semen. No need to worry about that.

  47. First, Thank you for you blog!
    Second, my husband and I have been married for several months. We tried OS before we got married and I was hesitant because I didn’t know what to do or what to expect (I was very sexually inexperienced). I absolutely loved that I could give him that kind of pleasure and allow him to just completely relax and receive. But I still didn’t feel too comfortable with it. I did let him climax in my mouth and I did swallow. That didn’t bother me. Plus I figured it was all just part of it. Flash forward a bit to after we got married, I wasn’t ok with giving him OS but I couldn’t explain why. I know he really enjoys it and so I felt bed for not wanting to do it but he never ever pressed the issue (which is very important to me). And now I am able to do it again. I think I had to process everything and mentally get used to what the action was, what it means, and remembering it is a gift from me to him. Also, I got pregnant pretty soon after we got married and my gag reflex and sense of smell was more sensitive that usual and that made OS more challenging and very unappealing to me. But, as I progressed in my pregnancy I wanted to give OS a try again. It wasn’t bad and actually was a turn on for me. And I truly love that I can show my husband love and affection and appreciation in that way. Still being pregnant, I have a difficult time swallowing semen now, so I let him climax into my mouth and then I will just spit it into a towel or washcloth. He doesn’t mind that at all.
    Also, a tip for the ladies who feel there is an ick factor- get a yummy tasting eddible lube or something of the sort. We have something called Skin Honey Kissable Body Topping in Strawberry flavor. It tastes like good candy and a little goes a long way! It adds a fun dimension to giving OS because it makes me thing of a popsicle or lollipop- how would I lick/suck on those things? And adds a nice flavor, too. So if you’re concerned about that area being icky, try something like that. It might make OS tolerable for you and you might find that you don’t actually need it.

  48. I love it when my wife gives me oral sex, and she is very enthusiastic about it. I love it even more when I give my wife oral sex! What with my health issues, giving her oral is the main event for us, but even before that happened, I really enjoyed doing it. I think of her genitalia as being the most delicious thing God created and can never get enough of her. If I were given the choice between making her come and coming myself, I’d choose to make her come every time! It can be challenging for her though, because she always has the urge to scream and holler with ecstasy and in general have a total cut-loose when she has her orgasm, and our teenaged daughter is perturbed enough with our displays of affection as it is.

  49. Your post and the ensuing comments give me more hope I could have imagined.

    My dear, kind, sweet, (and hot) wife received some incredibly bad counsel prior to our wedding from a trusted family friend/doctor. She’s had the hardest time ridding it from her heart and mind. Part of the good but misguided doctor’s advice was to “never put a penis in your mouth.” It makes me giggle that he said “a penis” not “your husband’s penis.” To that point, I agree — I don’t think anyone should put a random penis in their mouth. Within our 20+ years of marriage though this nosy guidance has hampered our sexual growth in ways that makes me want to eat glass.

    The comments here from wives have provided so much insight — I’ve gently encouraged my wife to read them as well. For (many) men, the desire to have oral sex is almost overwhelming. It’s a hard-wiring issue; it’s an inherent part of our sex drive. It’s very heartening to read so many comments from so many wives who are willing to extend themselves in this way to their husbands. If your husbands haven’t said it, please know they are grateful — and, by the way, they should be bowing in praise and supplication before you and completing any chore you ask at the exact moment you ask them.

    And they should be returning the favor.

  50. Eat your veggies. Look both ways before you cross the street. Never put a random penis in your mouth. ROFL!

  51. Thank you for this. It has helped to realize I am not alone with the whole texture thing. I enjoy giving oral sex to my hubs, but despite numerous tries, semen makes me gag terribly. Even the pre semen can at times get me going. So although his “fantasy” is to be able to cum one time without me gagging, he never pushes it.
    Due to sexual abuse, I can’t be on the receiving end, but it doesn’t bother me to be the giver : )
    To the wives with the gag reflex, might I recommend a mouth/throat numbing spray! It really does work wonders, and I gag from the toothbrush on my back molars, let alone any further in my mouth. I will say that I have noticed that the deep throating is less preferred over the kisses, strokes, licking, and just good ole playing around.

  52. J posts on this topic greatly helped the intimacy in my marriage. Oral was something my husband desired but I couldn’t do it. These posts gave me courage And confidence – and now a happy husband!

  53. At 56 and married 31 years one would think commenting on oral sex would be seem silly for a mature wife of all these years. But it’s not it neseccary. In the beginning we would always have sex in the dark under the covers. I guess we didn’t want God to see what we were doing. That thinking is so wrong! The devil has trashed Gods gift and we aren’t taking it any more. Lights on anything goes it’s fun and God loves watching us. Oral sex has been tried and protected. My orgasms are amazing like never before and sex every day is not uncommon

  54. We started having os five months ago after about a twenty year freeze. I started letting him finish in my mouth and spit or let it run out. He just couldn’t believe I was letting him finish in my mouth! Then I read that i can move his penis to the back of my throat at climax and its easy to just swallow. No taste! Then I amazingly realized I was starting to like the taste. Then I realized the smell of me on his mouth doesn’t bother me any more. Wow, I am so thankful to God for what he’s doing in our marriage. The intimacy is deeper every day. I *adore* my husband !!!!

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