If you’ve listened to our (wonderful) podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, you’ve heard my friend Bonny Burns giving fabulous tips to wives, especially those who struggle with lower sexual interest. Her blog, OysterBed7, is dedicated to helping these wives.
The following post was on my blog in 2015, but since it’s been a while, I thought it would a fabulous resource to bring out for my Saturday High Five series. Bonny covers five great ways to unlock your libido, or sexual interest.
I may not always have a zing running through my veins when my husband and I start to engage, but I always have a zing in my heart for connecting with him in a way that has ended up being meaningful for both of us!
Consistent, satisfying sexual intimacy is possible in spite of struggling with low physical sex drive.
After my husband and I had worked on our marriage and improved the frequency of our sexual relationship, I realized that I still had one challenge to address: my low libido.
I scoured ideas to help ramp up my physical sensation. There was a bit of success in the physical realm.
My biggest ah-ha moment was when I discovered low-libido wives can be high drive when desiring to emotionally and spiritually connect with their husband’s through sexual intimacy.
Low libido is not a permanent condition. If you are a low drive wife, there is much hope.
Here are five thoughts to help unlock your libido:
1. Embrace God’s view of sexual intimacy.
Bible verses I’d read about sinful sexual immorality leaked into my thoughts about marital sexuality. Sex within marriage isn’t dirty or wrong. Although slippery and messy at times, it’s perfectly God approved!
Satan likes to create a false notion that sex is all about the physical climax. Yes, orgasm is really really nice, but it is not the whole of sexual intimacy.
In my ice princess days, I only saw my husband’s pursuit of me as one-dimensional. All he wanted was a place for physical relief. God showed me that sexual intimacy is my husband’s most intimate conversation. Sexual intimacy seals an emotional and spiritual bond that was created by God for marriage.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6, NIV).
God truly cares for all areas of your life, especially your marital sexuality. Thriving sexual intimacy keeps many forms of temptation at bay for both of you.
God designed sex and it’s okay to pray about your marriage bed!
3. Expect God to show you things.
I’m not discounting God’s abilities to perform miracles. However, I found that my low libido was a place where he was nurturing maturity. I couldn’t just wish for a little more oomph in the sexual craving department. I had to actively seek through prayer and action. I had to follow God’s lead when he showed me resources and tools. Expect God to show you things!
4. You are perfectly normal.
There’s nothing wrong with you if you are low drive! Yes, you may want to have a full physical work-up to check hormone levels and general health, but you are not tainted in some way or being punished for having a low drive.
Every marriage is different. Every season in marriage is different. Who knows? You may have an upcoming season of life where you and your spouse desire equally or you may even be the higher-drive spouse.
Don’t compare your experience with anything you read or see (TV or movies). How lovemaking unfolds between you and your husband is going to be unique and normal for the two of you. Great moments in lovemaking can be quiet, calm or klutzy. The klutzy spells usually become priceless inside jokes with your husband.
Check out Sex Chat for Christian Wives, Episode 25: Sex Is Funny.
5. Give yourself permission to be a sensual woman.
Open your heart to see that sexual intimacy is an asset to your marriage and to you personally, not just your husband.
Give yourself permission to BELIEVE your husband when he says you’re beautiful, in form and face.
Give yourself permission to let go of worries and just be in the moment, concentrating on the physical sensations of your husband’s touch.
Open your heart to the possibility of seeing yourself warm with desire as the Shulamite wife in the Song of Solomon. “….It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6). Okay, a blazing fire might seem optimistic, but just open yourself up to a firm maybe.
Give yourself permission to be a sensual woman. It’s okay to look inside yourself and contemplate your physical, emotional and spiritual sensations. It’s okay to want to fire up the old cravings of first romance. It’s okay to have sexual feelings!
This doesn’t mean all of a sudden you’re installing a pole in your bedroom. This just means you are willing to have faith in God’s design. He designed marriage to include sexual intimacy. It’s how he made marriage different and more bonded than any other relationship on earth.
You may think all problems in your marriage need to be fixed before you can even consider bolstering your sexual activities.
I used to think this way, too. However, that logic is wrong. You really can work on re-connecting through sexual intimacy as you work on other problems. I even think it helps the healing process. I’m here to attest that this is true.
Not all wives are the low-drive spouse. I think much of what is written here can be applied to the low-drive spouse, no matter which gender. Marriages I refer to here are generally good-willed. If there is any kind of abuse, please seek guidance through a Christian marriage counselor.
Would you like to read more ideas on how to Unlock Your Libido?
Although not a Bible study, Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation is an ebook based on scripture, a bit of science, and my own journey. It’s a simple method that may have profound results.
♥ ♥ ♥
Bonny Burns encourages the low-libido wife through a Christian lens at the oysterbed7.com blog. She writes gently and with a nurturing heart because sexual intimacy can be a raw topic for some. She knows all about this struggle from personal experience.
Bonny and her husband, Dave, raised three sons and have been married for more than three decades. When friends say they can’t imagine the two of them arguing, she snorts. Because, they’ve had some doozies and they were usually about sex. Her marriage story evolved and yours can too. Low libido and hard marriages do not have to be a permanent condition.