Tag Archives: marriage and sexuality

Using Your Body in Marital Intimacy: First, Your Mind

A reader recently added a song suggestion to my Marital Intimacy Playlist post: “Brass in Pocket” by Pretenders. In this song, Chrissie Hynde sings:

Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my side-step
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination
Cause I going make you see

There’s nobody else here
No one like me
I’m special, so special
I got to have some of your attention

Give it to me

Which got me thinking about how we use our bodies in the marital bedroom.

Sex should involve so much of our bodies, as we touch, kiss, and join together in this intimate act to express and foster love. So for the next few weeks, I’m going to be posting on Thursdays about how to use your various body parts in lovemaking: your mouth, your arms, your legs, your hips, etc.

First things first, though. While some husbands might assert that the notion of sex begins somewhere between your belt buckle and your kneecaps, we wives know that sex begins in the mind. That’s the body part we ladies need to get into the groove so that we can . . . well, get into the groove.

Brain pic

by National Institute of Health via Wikimedia Commons

You have to engage your mind to engage your body.

Unfortunately, we mental multitaskers often have difficulty focusing on sexual intimacy with our husbands. It might not seem like such a tall order, but setting aside all of the other thoughts and concentrating solely and wholly on lovemaking can be a challenge for many wives.

So how can we involve our mind in sexual intimacy?

Set aside the time and space. Start by making sure external distractions are not competing. Yes, there are times when you must squeeze sex into eight minutes flat while your toddler is finishing his nap or you shove work piles from the bed to make love, but that shouldn’t be the norm.

Set aside time on your calendar or in your schedule. Make it a priority somewhere below breathing or eating and way above a pedicure or polishing faucet fixtures. When you set your mind to spending the next 30 minutes in physical intimacy with your husband, you can more freely engage without thinking of everything else you could be doing.

Also set aside space so that you two have room to make love without the distractions of children’s toys, electronics, to-do lists, etc. Remove from your sight and mind whatever might compete for your attention.

Start anticipating in advance. Think ahead of time about how you will feel in the arms of your beloved. Be positive in your anticipation — considering how your senses will be awakened, how your husband’s touch will comfort and arouse you, how you want to pleasure him and be pleasured, how precious this gift of sexual union is.

Some wives anticipate sex with dread, ranking it alongside toilet cleaning in their daily task list. If you experience pain or have no drive, you need to address those issues. But our brains are very powerful, so if you simply don’t look forward to the experience, retrain your mind. Choose to focus your mental energy on those lovemaking moments that were enjoyable and anticipate that you can have that pleasure once again. The more you joyfully approach an event, the more likely you are to enjoy it.

Focus on your hubby. See that hottie over there? Yep, that one: your hubby. That’s the guy you chose (and who chose you). You must’ve thought he was something special when you said “I do,” so dwell on what’s so great about your husband.

Think about the physical and internal attributes that are attractive to you. Drop the negative stuff from your mind. Of course, he’s annoying at times; my husband is too. (Newsflash: We annoy them back.) This is the time to pull our minds toward the beauty of his body, the strength of his character, the fun he brings to life, the gift of his love.

Consider how you desire your husband and how you want him to rejoice in you and be captivated by your love (Proverbs 5:18-19). Keep your mind actively engaged in thinking about your husband and lover.

Become aware of your own body. Your body is equipped with five incredible senses and an amazing number of skin receptors that register touch, temperature, vibration, pressure, and more. On top of that, God blessed certain parts of your body with extra sensitivity to respond happily to sexual arousal. Indeed, one part of your body, the clitoris, has absolutely no purpose whatsoever but to make you giddy with delight when appropriately stimulated.

When making love with your husband, turn your mind to the sensations your body is experiencing. Think about the places he touches, kisses, fondles, strokes, penetrates. If you mind begins to wander to whether you turned off the oven or how much you distrust Congress or whatever, regain control and return your mind to where it should be — on the interesting tickles and tingles of your body.

Also think about how your body can produce delightful feelings for your husband. Your hands, lips, breasts, and other parts of your body have the amazing ability to bring him great pleasure. Revel in how he feels against that hand, those lips, those breasts, etc.

Turn your mind to gratitude. Gratitude is an attitude nurtured in the mind. God has given married couples the gift of sexual intimacy. He could have made it simply for reproduction, but our Father wanted us to enjoy sex and use it to grow intimacy. What a gift!

Just as you pause to soak in the beauty of a colorful sunset or the melodious sounds of your favorite song, pause in your mind to be grateful for sexual intimacy. Make it a regular habit to thank God and your mate for your sexual pleasure.

What tips do you have for using your mind to experience satisfying marital intimacy?

The Premarital Sex Felt Great

How’s that for a title you didn’t expect from me?

Sheila Gregoire at To Love, Honor and Vacuum recently had two opportunities to be interviewed about sexuality by the Huffington Post. Not surprisingly, Sheila was outnumbered in her moral perspective…FOUR to one. I suspect those are better odds than we firm-stance Christians have in the secular world as a whole, though.

Sheila's interview - TV still

Sheila’s the one with the beautiful smile on the big screen.

In this last segment, the subject was about having premarital sex in one’s 20s and whether that’s a positive thing for your sex life as a whole. Of course, Sheila took the biblical stance of keeping sexuality in marriage, but she didn’t have to cite scriptures on a secular program; God’s truth is consistent, and the case for sex within marriage is supported by statistics. She did a terrific job and showed that she cares deeply about people experiencing God’s best for their marriages and sex lives.

At one point, the interviewer (not on her side) tried to support his point that sex doesn’t have to be a deep, emotional connection by attempting to quote Woody Allen: “The worst sex that I’ve ever had was still pretty good.” I couldn’t find that exact quote, but I believe this one from the famous actor/director is what the interviewer meant: “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty d–n good.”

Which brings me to my point. We Christians who encourage people to remain sexually pure until marriage need to admit what I knew when I was living the wrong lifestyle: Premarital sex feels great.

It is physically satisfying and entertaining and exciting. We don’t do our cause and our children any favors when we say that sex outside marriage isn’t good . . . and people hear that it doesn’t feel good. So when your teenager gets in the car with a date and goes too far, and it feels awesome and powerful and deep, might they discount the Christian message that waiting is better?

They might . . . because, as I’ve now said three times now, the premarital sex feels great.

BUT the married sex is SO MUCH BETTER!!!

Sex outside marriage is like having a Chips Ahoy cookie. I happen to like those. If someone brings a bag of them to a church potluck, I will scoop up a cookie or two and add them to my waistline. BUT what if you’re looking at a bag of Chips Ahoy versus Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies? (For those of you outside the Girl Scout realm, they are To. Die. For.) No one in their right mind would pick a hard store-bought cookie over a thin mint that delights the senses and supports the Girl Scouts.

If that comparison doesn’t speak to you, pick any of the below:

Sex Outside Marriage

Godly Sex in Marriage

Smart car
Hot dog stand
Emeril’s restaurant
Hershey bar
Godiva Chocolatier truffles
Faded Glory
Christian Dior
Metal washtub
Jacuzzi bath
Leaky rowboat
Cruise liner

You get the point. If you had no idea about the second column, you might be happy having a hot dog from the street vendor. (This is just an example. Hey, the best tamales where I live come from a truck.) But if you slip into a Lamborghini wearing your Christian Dior outfit and eat a meal at Emeril’s, you know it’s worth a lot more.

I didn’t know I was in a rowboat when I was having sex before marriage. My boat was leaking, but I figured I was doing it wrong somehow, or that I merely needed a better paddle partner. I finally figured out that the only way to get it right was to get out of the rowboat and board the cruise liner!

When I teach my kids about sexuality, I plan to be honest. I tell them that the physical sensations of sex in any consensual context can be very pleasurable. God made sex to feel great. However, He blessed us with marriage to give us the very best. That’s just how our Father is. He loves us enough to want us to have the cream of the crop, the icing on the cake, the thin mint cookies . . . because we are the apple of His eye.

So yeah, those preaching multiple sex partners and 10 New Ways to Orgasm are right in saying that their prescriptions may give your body a real high. But I not satisfied with climbing a hill and whooping it up anymore. I want Mount Everest, baby.

In marriage, there is a blessing from God and a connection of life commitment that provides the foundation for the best physical intimacy one can have. Studies show those most satisfied with their sex lives are married . . . and married for a while.

Sheila beautifully described it in her interview: “It is a beautiful thing. And to say that you can have intimacy with all kinds of people, yeah, but there is nothing like a marriage.”

There is truly nothing at all like a God-centered marriage that pursues His holy plan for sex. I pray that for the couples who read my blog — that you will not just experience physical satisfaction, but spiritual and emotional connection through this deeply personal, physical act.