A reader recently added a song suggestion to my Marital Intimacy Playlist post: “Brass in Pocket” by Pretenders. In this song, Chrissie Hynde sings:
Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my side-step
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination
Cause I going make you see
There’s nobody else here
No one like me
I’m special, so special
I got to have some of your attention
Give it to me
Which got me thinking about how we use our bodies in the marital bedroom.
Sex should involve so much of our bodies, as we touch, kiss, and join together in this intimate act to express and foster love. So for the next few weeks, I’m going to be posting on Thursdays about how to use your various body parts in lovemaking: your mouth, your arms, your legs, your hips, etc.
First things first, though. While some husbands might assert that the notion of sex begins somewhere between your belt buckle and your kneecaps, we wives know that sex begins in the mind. That’s the body part we ladies need to get into the groove so that we can . . . well, get into the groove.
You have to engage your mind to engage your body.
Unfortunately, we mental multitaskers often have difficulty focusing on sexual intimacy with our husbands. It might not seem like such a tall order, but setting aside all of the other thoughts and concentrating solely and wholly on lovemaking can be a challenge for many wives.
So how can we involve our mind in sexual intimacy?
Set aside the time and space. Start by making sure external distractions are not competing. Yes, there are times when you must squeeze sex into eight minutes flat while your toddler is finishing his nap or you shove work piles from the bed to make love, but that shouldn’t be the norm.
Set aside time on your calendar or in your schedule. Make it a priority somewhere below breathing or eating and way above a pedicure or polishing faucet fixtures. When you set your mind to spending the next 30 minutes in physical intimacy with your husband, you can more freely engage without thinking of everything else you could be doing.
Also set aside space so that you two have room to make love without the distractions of children’s toys, electronics, to-do lists, etc. Remove from your sight and mind whatever might compete for your attention.
Start anticipating in advance. Think ahead of time about how you will feel in the arms of your beloved. Be positive in your anticipation — considering how your senses will be awakened, how your husband’s touch will comfort and arouse you, how you want to pleasure him and be pleasured, how precious this gift of sexual union is.
Some wives anticipate sex with dread, ranking it alongside toilet cleaning in their daily task list. If you experience pain or have no drive, you need to address those issues. But our brains are very powerful, so if you simply don’t look forward to the experience, retrain your mind. Choose to focus your mental energy on those lovemaking moments that were enjoyable and anticipate that you can have that pleasure once again. The more you joyfully approach an event, the more likely you are to enjoy it.
Focus on your hubby. See that hottie over there? Yep, that one: your hubby. That’s the guy you chose (and who chose you). You must’ve thought he was something special when you said “I do,” so dwell on what’s so great about your husband.
Think about the physical and internal attributes that are attractive to you. Drop the negative stuff from your mind. Of course, he’s annoying at times; my husband is too. (Newsflash: We annoy them back.) This is the time to pull our minds toward the beauty of his body, the strength of his character, the fun he brings to life, the gift of his love.
Consider how you desire your husband and how you want him to rejoice in you and be captivated by your love (Proverbs 5:18-19). Keep your mind actively engaged in thinking about your husband and lover.
Become aware of your own body. Your body is equipped with five incredible senses and an amazing number of skin receptors that register touch, temperature, vibration, pressure, and more. On top of that, God blessed certain parts of your body with extra sensitivity to respond happily to sexual arousal. Indeed, one part of your body, the clitoris, has absolutely no purpose whatsoever but to make you giddy with delight when appropriately stimulated.
When making love with your husband, turn your mind to the sensations your body is experiencing. Think about the places he touches, kisses, fondles, strokes, penetrates. If you mind begins to wander to whether you turned off the oven or how much you distrust Congress or whatever, regain control and return your mind to where it should be — on the interesting tickles and tingles of your body.
Also think about how your body can produce delightful feelings for your husband. Your hands, lips, breasts, and other parts of your body have the amazing ability to bring him great pleasure. Revel in how he feels against that hand, those lips, those breasts, etc.
Turn your mind to gratitude. Gratitude is an attitude nurtured in the mind. God has given married couples the gift of sexual intimacy. He could have made it simply for reproduction, but our Father wanted us to enjoy sex and use it to grow intimacy. What a gift!
Just as you pause to soak in the beauty of a colorful sunset or the melodious sounds of your favorite song, pause in your mind to be grateful for sexual intimacy. Make it a regular habit to thank God and your mate for your sexual pleasure.
What tips do you have for using your mind to experience satisfying marital intimacy?