Tag Archives: Sex Savvy

Vacationing with Hubby: How to Make It Better

I try to learn from my experiences. And my mistakes. My many, many mistakes.

But I’ve been evaluating my recent week-long trip to New York City and the last few days of it that I spent with my hubby. What could have made things even more smooth? How could we improve the limited time we get together, alone, out of town, without daily interruptions? What do I want to remember for the next time we take a couple vacation?

Let me share a few.

Vacationing with Hubby - How to Make It Better

Schedule rest into the itinerary. Travel is exhausting, and so is out-of-town business. I didn’t plan well for this and allow myself time to recharge between events. Next time, I want to leave more time between arriving from the airport and starting in on my itinerary. I also shifted quickly from work events to vacation days with hubby, and consequently I felt physically bad that whole first day of sightseeing. I only realized how much I needed downtime when I slipped into bed that night at 7:30 p.m. for a “quick nap” . . . and woke up the next morning at 7:30 a.m.

To get the most from your couple vacation time, allow a little breather between travel and vacation activities. Be willing to hang out in the hotel a little longer or linger over a relaxed breakfast. Let yourself sleep in. Yes, you might lose an hour or two in your day, but you’ll feel better and enjoy each other more. You don’t want your vacation to involve two overtired, grumpy spouses, so schedule rest into the itinerary.

Discuss expectations. If your husband thinks this is a “sexcation” and you think it’s a see-everything-you-can sightseeing tour, one of you — or really, both of you — will be disappointed.

Hubby and I do a pretty good job of this, but we can always improve. My one tweak would be to write down the must-do’s, the hope-we-do’s, and the if-we-have-time-do’s. Then we can make sure we knock out the activities we most want to engage in and not waste time on stuff we sorta, kinda, maybe want to do but that isn’t really a big deal.

And yes, I think it’s perfectly fine to write “have sex” on your must-do list. I’m in favor of spontaneous sex, but I’m also in favor of scheduling sex just like you schedule date night.

Pack lube. Calm.Healthy.Sexy. recently penned a great post on why hotel sex is particularly nice. I agree, but I was sort of kicking myself for not packing personal lubricant. Even if you don’t need it, it’s better to have it available, just in case.

My own favorite are the Sliquid travel-size packs so you can get single-use pouches and easily slip them into your luggage. (And no, Sliquid’s not paying me to say that…but they should. *wink wink*) Regardless of what you prefer, remember to pack personal lubricant so that you’ll have it if you need it.

By the way, that photo up there is me and the hubster at Central Park in New York City.

Now what are your tips for vacationing with your spouse?

My 2015 Resolutions (for Me and My Blog)

Some people love New Year’s resolutions, some people hate them. I know the arguments against.

But I’m on the side of enjoying resolutions and that sense of a fresh start at the beginning of the year. So today — New Year’s Day — I thought I’d share my 2015 resolutions for myself and for Hot, Holy & Humorous with you. I hope you’ll share yours with me in the comments!

Blog title & resolution list

1. Release Behind Closed Doors: Inspirational Stories on Marriage and Intimacy. Last year, it was my goal to release a collection of short stories in the summer, then it became the fall, and finally after the start of the year. *sigh* It just so happened that one of my stories needed a complete rewrite, and now that’s done, I’m polishing up the book and getting ready to publish. At this point, I am aiming for a Valentine’s season release. I’m particularly excited about sharing some fiction with you, since that’s what I write when I’m not writing about sex and marriage and I believe in the power of story.

2. Get Intimacy Revealed into as many formats as possible. Currently, you can get my books through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. However, I don’t believe either book is on iBooks or Kobo, and I want to get them there. I really don’t want anyone who wishes to read my books to be hampered by issues of format. That also means that I’m hoping and praying I can release audiobooks as well. (I’d actually like to do a “read by author” version, if at all possible.)

Edited to add: Intimacy Revealed on Kobo and Hot, Holy and Humorous on Kobo

3. Read more marriage and intimacy books. I read several in 2014, but I want to read more. Thankfully, so many more books and resources on Christian marriage and sex exist now than ten, twenty, thirty years ago. If someone else has put out fabulous material, I want to learn what they have to say and be able to point my readers to that resource. So I’m gathering my list of books I definitely want to read, hoping I can get to at least 10 next year.

4. Reveal myself. Ack! There, I said it. I guess I can’t take it back now, can I? (Can I?) When I started blogging four years ago, I had several reasons for choosing anonymity. It’s funny that many people assume I did so simply so I could speak more freely about sex, but I’ve always operated on the assumption that my words and my identity would someday be matched in public. And I don’t think I’ve said anything that would prohibit me from showing my face. (Have I?) Anyway, my reasonable concerns about revealing myself have been disintegrating over the years, as I knew they would eventually. So yeah, I’m planning to put a face with the name. But nothing much will change here at Hot, Holy & Humorous. I’ve always been myself, and I plan to still go by “J” since I’ve come to like that moniker and it feels comfortably familiar.

5. Start speaking. I’d say “Ack!” here too, but I already used that above. Here’s the truth: I’ve done some public speaking before. Just not on sex. But I obviously have a passion for passion, and I’ve been getting the sneaking suspicion it’s time to take my message to live audiences. (Double Ack!) Don’t expect a 30-city tour or something, but I will likely open myself up to a few speaking engagements in the latter part of 2015. If I don’t trip on stage or otherwise make a complete fool of myself, I’ll keep speaking.

6. Attend a ministry conference. This is actually on my “bucket list,” which I far prefer to call my “life list” since the bucket I’ll be kicking is many, many years down the road. Regardless, I enjoy attending conferences. The education, encouragement, and enthusiasm can ignite new excitement for the work one does. I’m perusing possibilities, but I’m praying my funds and my calendar will allow me to attend a professional conference next year, one that will spur me on in my ministry here.

So that’s it for my resolutions! What would you like to see me (“J”) or Hot, Holy & Humorous do in 2015? And what are your own resolutions for the New Year?

* * * * *

What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Print book

What Does Your Wife Want for Christmas?

In answer to my own question, “What does your wife want for Christmas?” . . . I don’t know. But I can offer a few ideas of what wives often enjoy getting.

Husband and Wife holding Christmas gift

This post is for the hubbies, but I sincerely hope wives will give their own suggestions in the comments!

James Avery necklace

James Avery necklace

1. Jewelry. Yes, it’s a cliché, but there’s also some truth to it. Even I like getting jewelry from my husband, and I’m not a big jewelry person (no pierced ears, the same two rings on my hands all the time, etc.). The challenge is finding something personal and that matches your wife’s style.

Is she a fan of big costume jewelry? Small meaningful charms? Colored stones? Gold, or sterling silver? Peek into her jewelry box. Watch what she wears. Consider her personality, interests, hobbies. Then seek out the right piece for her.

2. Personal care service/items. Whether it’s a day at the spa, a gift certificate for a massage or salon service, or a makeover, many wives enjoy getting personal care that makes them feel more beautiful. I know I feel more confident about myself and my body after leaving a massage or a pedicure. That personal attention and focus on one’s best features can remind you of your personal beauty — beauty you are then more willing to share with your husband.

If she doesn’t like going somewhere for that attention, how about bubble bath or crystals? A home pedicure set? Fancy skin care products? Find something that reminds her how beautiful you already think she is.

3. Night or weekend getaway. Schedule a hotel for a night or a resort stay for a weekend, or even a camp-out if that’s your style. (But know your wife, because I’d throw things at my husband if he tried to take this princess camping for a gift.) Line up any child and pet care needed. Create the gift certificate with your plan’s details and tuck it under the tree.

Now, be aware! This is supposed to be a romantic and relaxing weekend. So if your sweetheart is at her wit’s end caring for five young children, and you think getting a hotel means sex right away, that might feel more like a gift for you than her. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have sex! I’m simply saying that the best gift you could give an overworked, exhausted mom might be a full night’s sleep at the hotel . . . followed by breakfast in bed and, now that you’re both rested, attentive sexual intimacy.

4. Marriage book. Many wives love the idea of improving their marriage, making their relationship even better. So wrap up a marriage book and gift it to her. Or find one you can read together and put both of your names on it.

Ones on sexual intimacy I recommend include The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire, The Pursuit of Passion by Jeffrey Murphy and Julie Sibert, Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, and yeah, my own books: Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. But guys, you know I shoot straight with you: If you hand your sex-reluctant wife a Christian sex book with an attitude of “gimme more sex,” that will not be seen as a gift. If you choose to give her an intimacy resource, you might want to wrap up 1, 2, or even 3 books for yourself on marriage, romance, and meeting her emotional needs that you promise to read in the new year . . . and then do it.

Ginger Rogers in a fancy nightgown from Top Hat (1935)

Ginger Rogers in a fancy nightgown from Top Hat (1935)

5. Sleepwear. Notice that I did not say “lingerie.” Even though I’m a fan of lingerie and have even given husbands tips on this kind of shopping for their wives, consider getting your wife sleepwear or lounge wear that makes her feel truly pampered. Think luxury more than revealing.

Pay attention to the feel of the fabric, choosing something soft or silky or snuggly that will make her feel like a million bucks. Personally, I adore the swank nightgowns and peignoir sets of the 1930s and 1940s films I’ve watched. But by paying attention to what your wife likes, you can probably find something in that realm but more luxurious — whether it’s satin pajamas or a silky cotton nightgown. Splurge on something she can wear while sleeping or lounging and feel fabulous in.

Now it’s other wives’ turn! What would you love to get for Christmas from your husband?

* * * * *

What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Print book

Top 10 Reasons to Read a Christian Sex Book

Why pick up a Christian sex book and read it through? How will that help your marriage? I came up with my Top 10 reasons why you, wife, should make reading a Christian sex book one of your goals this year.

Woman Reading Book

10. The secular sources have it wrong. When you start looking for information about sex, it’s easy to turn to the magazine that promises “Get Satisfying Sex With 10 Easy Moves!” Or pick up a copy of Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra. Or grab a porn movie or an erotic novel to see what those “sex experts” suggest. But the reality is dedicated Christians living by God’s plan for sexuality have the most satisfying sex. At best, secular sources offer ways to ramp up the pure physical; at worst, they encourage sexual sin and damage your relationship. Either way, a Christian sex book is far more likely to strengthen marital intimacy, because its foundation is God Himself, the One who thought up this thing called sex.

9. You had little or bad teaching on sex growing up. Some people received no instruction from parents or trusted adults on sexuality, others got a simple “don’t” (with “you dare” implied), and some received negative or iffy messages about sex. Some were exposed to way too much sexual information at way too young an age. Regardless, your thinking on sexuality may be off due to messages you absorbed while very young. It’s time to set the record straight about this gift from God. Reading a Christian sex book could do just that for you.

8. You’re curious what the Bible even has to say about sex. You may have heard the no-no scriptures about sex, but what else does the Bible say? Are there relevant messages in the Word of God about sex in your marriage? Absolutely! You might be surprised how many biblical passages apply. A good Christian sex book will shed light on what the Bible has to say about sex — both the traps of sexual sin and the joys of sexual intimacy.

7. Your libidos are mismatched. This is the most common complaint about sex in marriage — one of you wants it more than the other does. So how do you resolve that conundrum? The answer is by approaching sex the way God intended. A Christian sex book may help you navigate this mismatch — by reawakening a low libido, showing a frustrated spouse how to lovingly approach their mate, and helping you two find unity and intimacy in your marriage.

6. Sex doesn’t feel good. Maybe you keep hearing how fabulous sex is, but you don’t know what the hoopla is about. You certainly haven’t experienced sex as a pleasurable activity. Some wives know why it doesn’t feel good (e.g., physical problem, past sexual abuse), and others don’t grasp why it’s so problematic. Either way, a Christian sex book may help you understand better why sex doesn’t feel good and how to improve your experience so you can have the full measure of God’s gift of sexual pleasure and deep intimacy in your marriage.

5. Sex lacks that one-flesh feeling. Maybe the physical side of your sex life is pretty good, maybe it’s not. But regardless, you know it’s supposed to reflect that “one flesh” feeling (Genesis 2:24), and you don’t feel that. Sexual intimacy is indeed the molding of two bodies and hearts and spirits in a physical act that expresses and nurtures the marital relationship. But you might need a new perspective a Christian sex book can give to truly experience this deeper connection. With a different outlook and tools to apply in the bedroom, you can begin to shift your sex life from purely physical to intensely meaningful.

4. Sometimes — truth be told — you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s not like someone handed you a thick manual on this thing called sex and you have it down pat. Maybe things aren’t working quite like you expected they would. Perhaps you’d be willing to try something different, but you hesitate because you feel like a fish out of water. Or your spouse’s approach confuses and confounds you, and you wish someone would explain it already. A Christian sex book may help you become more comfortable and confident in the marital bedroom.

3. Your spouse wants you to read it. Okay, okay, I get it! It can be super-annoying for your spouse to shove a self-help book into your hands and say, “Read this!” As if they’re diagnosing you and wanting you to fix yourself for their benefit. But honestly, if your spouse is asking you to read a Christian sex book, it’s likely for one of two reasons: One, they want to share how much that book meant to them; or two, they aren’t satisfied with your marital intimacy and want to make it better. Isn’t it possible that — no matter how presented — these are both positive things? You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse wants or everything the book says, but reading it might give you things to discuss that will help you both come to a better place in your marriage.

2. You want to nurture your sexual intimacy. Even if your marriage bed is a happy place, it’s important to keep nurturing your sexual intimacy. Maybe you’d like to spice things up — add a few more ideas to your repertoire. Maybe your focus has faded, and you want to recommit to making sex a priority. Or you’d simply like to keep sexual intimacy going strong. A Christian sex book can help you nurture sexual intimacy by providing biblically based advice and reminding you of this beautiful gift from our Creator.

1. You won a copy! Yep, for Mother’s Day or in anticipation of summer coming or something, I feel like giving away another copy of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives.

Sex Savvy book cover

Simply comment below on any marriage resource (book, video series, workshop) that has helped you or that you’d like to experience. I’ll choose a winner on Sunday and announce on Monday.

Scenic Blog Tour, Newsletter, Sex Challenge & Book Giveaway

Scenic Blog Tour

Oftentimes, when an author puts out a book, she launches a blog tour. It’s typically a whirlwind of interviews, guest posts, and reviews all revolving around the release date.

Book cover for Sex SavvyInstead, since the release of my book in November 2013, I’ve been taking a scenic blog tour for Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. A stop here, a stop there. A slow meandering through blogs I enjoy and recommend. I thought I’d pause and let you know where I and the book have been — in case you missed any of our appearances.

Generous Wife gave a lovely review of Sex Savvy

Intimacy in Marriage featured my book in a post on 5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband

Sheila Gregoire chose Sex Savvy for her Top 10 Book to Read in 2014 to Boost Your Marriage

Journey to Surrender suggested four books in Give Your Marriage the Gift of Sex, including my book

Sex Savvy was listed in One Flesh Marriage’s 2013 Wife’s Gift Guide to Knock Your Hubby’s Socks Off

Warrior Wives did a review and giveaway of the book in Are You Sex Savvy? and I guest posted on the site with Staying Intimately Connected While You’re Apart

Stu Gray of Stupendous Marriage podcast interviewed me in Hot, Holy & Humorous – An Interview

I also have guest spots coming up on Marriage Life Ministries, One Flesh Marriage, To Love Honor & Vacuum, and Unveiled Wife. And maybe a few more. I’ll let my readers know!

Blog & Newsletter Subscriptions

You may have noticed a difference in the way posts are coming to you! (They say “MailChimp” at the bottom, don’t they?) I awarded myself the trophy of Most Bungled Blog Move — because when I moved from Blogger to self-hosted WordPress, I managed to mess up the feed enough that over 500 followers were just poof! gone. My web administrator has helped me change the way feeds go out, so that I hopefully have everyone here again. (Hello! I missed you!)

But in February, I’m also launching a monthly newsletter! What will be in the newsletter? In addition to a rehash of my blog posts and recommended reads on other blogs, there will be a Scripture of the Month to encourage your marriage; a book recommendation — which could be nonfiction or fiction, but marriage-positive; a Sex Position of the Month; a Behind the Blog feature, with a glimpse at my blogging life; and more. I hope that you will be blessed by this new offering.

Sex Challenge

In TWO DAYS, One Flesh Marriage begins its annual 10 Day Challenge. Brad & Kate Aldrich challenge married couples to have sex consecutively for 10 days beginning February 5 through February 14. Why should you sign up? Check out the video from Brad and Kate:

If you’re not sure you can do all 10 days, just give it a shot anyway. I often find that even if I don’t meet my goal, by setting a goal and working toward it, I make more progress than I would otherwise. And if you do make it, good for you! 

Make sure you follow Brad & Kate’s posts during those 10 days for encouragement and giveaways. Your marriage will be blessed!

Book Giveaway

Speaking of giveaways, I’ve yet to give away a copy of my book here on the blog. So I figured it was time! Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives is available as an ebook in several formats and a print book through Amazon (or signed and sent from yours truly). The winner will have her choice. Just leave a comment below and you’ll be entered. You can use whatever moniker you wish, but you will need to provide an email address (it won’t show up on the blog).

The giveaway is short — running from today through Wednesday 12:00 midnight Eastern Standard Time. I’ll announce the winner in my Thursday post. Best wishes!

In the meantime, you can get a jump on things and get a whole bundle of books for a great price! Check it out:

4 books on marital intimacy, regularly priced at $21.96, now on sale as a book bundle for $10.00! Included is my book, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. Buy now! This deal is only good until Valentine’s Day.Sexy Valentine's Day Bundle