In answer to my own question, “What does your wife want for Christmas?” . . . I don’t know. But I can offer a few ideas of what wives often enjoy getting.
This post is for the hubbies, but I sincerely hope wives will give their own suggestions in the comments!
1. Jewelry. Yes, it’s a cliché, but there’s also some truth to it. Even I like getting jewelry from my husband, and I’m not a big jewelry person (no pierced ears, the same two rings on my hands all the time, etc.). The challenge is finding something personal and that matches your wife’s style.
Is she a fan of big costume jewelry? Small meaningful charms? Colored stones? Gold, or sterling silver? Peek into her jewelry box. Watch what she wears. Consider her personality, interests, hobbies. Then seek out the right piece for her.
2. Personal care service/items. Whether it’s a day at the spa, a gift certificate for a massage or salon service, or a makeover, many wives enjoy getting personal care that makes them feel more beautiful. I know I feel more confident about myself and my body after leaving a massage or a pedicure. That personal attention and focus on one’s best features can remind you of your personal beauty — beauty you are then more willing to share with your husband.
If she doesn’t like going somewhere for that attention, how about bubble bath or crystals? A home pedicure set? Fancy skin care products? Find something that reminds her how beautiful you already think she is.
3. Night or weekend getaway. Schedule a hotel for a night or a resort stay for a weekend, or even a camp-out if that’s your style. (But know your wife, because I’d throw things at my husband if he tried to take this princess camping for a gift.) Line up any child and pet care needed. Create the gift certificate with your plan’s details and tuck it under the tree.
Now, be aware! This is supposed to be a romantic and relaxing weekend. So if your sweetheart is at her wit’s end caring for five young children, and you think getting a hotel means sex right away, that might feel more like a gift for you than her. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have sex! I’m simply saying that the best gift you could give an overworked, exhausted mom might be a full night’s sleep at the hotel . . . followed by breakfast in bed and, now that you’re both rested, attentive sexual intimacy.
4. Marriage book. Many wives love the idea of improving their marriage, making their relationship even better. So wrap up a marriage book and gift it to her. Or find one you can read together and put both of your names on it.
Ones on sexual intimacy I recommend include The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire, The Pursuit of Passion by Jeffrey Murphy and Julie Sibert, Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, and yeah, my own books: Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. But guys, you know I shoot straight with you: If you hand your sex-reluctant wife a Christian sex book with an attitude of “gimme more sex,” that will not be seen as a gift. If you choose to give her an intimacy resource, you might want to wrap up 1, 2, or even 3 books for yourself on marriage, romance, and meeting her emotional needs that you promise to read in the new year . . . and then do it.
5. Sleepwear. Notice that I did not say “lingerie.” Even though I’m a fan of lingerie and have even given husbands tips on this kind of shopping for their wives, consider getting your wife sleepwear or lounge wear that makes her feel truly pampered. Think luxury more than revealing.
Pay attention to the feel of the fabric, choosing something soft or silky or snuggly that will make her feel like a million bucks. Personally, I adore the swank nightgowns and peignoir sets of the 1930s and 1940s films I’ve watched. But by paying attention to what your wife likes, you can probably find something in that realm but more luxurious — whether it’s satin pajamas or a silky cotton nightgown. Splurge on something she can wear while sleeping or lounging and feel fabulous in.
Now it’s other wives’ turn! What would you love to get for Christmas from your husband?
* * * * *
What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?
Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.
Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.
Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
21 thoughts on “What Does Your Wife Want for Christmas?”
I guess all of us who are writing marriage blogs and have written a book are helping men to learn what to give their wife for this year.
I took a little different approach to gift giving and wrote about 10 Creative “Gifts” that cost little or no money for your bride http://wp.me/p50Bqq-3X
This, like you has been a theme for a while. I have recommended that folks come and look through your site.
Keep up the great work of encouragement!
Honestly, I would like oral sex for Christmas. It’s something hubby doesn’t like giving or receiving, but I love giving and receiving. We used to do it, but he stopped it a decade into our marriage. I really feel the loss of it and have told him so, but he has drawn a line in the sand. I was hoping for at least holiday/birthday OS, but didn’t get it for Mother’s Day or my birthday, so I shy away from even asking for it for Christmas. He’s always been the kind of gift giver where he gives you what he wants you to have and not what you want. Just not his forte, I guess. Not complaining, just stating facts. He’s great in many other ways.
Do you know why he stopped? It seems like if he did it before, then stopped, there’s a story there. I’m wondering if there’s something that could possibly kick-start his interest…
Absolutely. You are not alone, I have had both men and women come to see me 10 or 20 years after the “line was drawn” saying exactly what you just did, they miss oral and they would like it back, but he or she is afraid to ask their spouse for it. If there was an outright no never again kind of line, I applaud you because many of those couples are thinking their marriage is over, especially men because that goes to their core being of maleness. You are rejecting him not oral, men get pretty shaken over it. Women can be happy with other things but why not have all God intended? If you are afraid to ask him then suggest it by position. Often the other spouse was happy with what ever else was going on intimately, or was angry in the moment if they actually said “no”, and he/she didn’t miss it and right now does not realize how much you do. He may miss it too. I cannot tell you the difference it can make. If talking does not seem comfortable my next suggestion is to start on him and see if he reciprocates, that’s a good starting point, next or if you feel comfortable try an easy 68 position (think 69 but facing on your sides) where he can easily reach you as well, and see what he does. Lastly hair. If you used to trim/shave or get waxed, do it again, If you never did before consider enticing him, get a Brazilian or Bikini wax, men are visual and he will struggle to ignore that sight especially if you are right in front of him. He might be hesitant because men like to do things well and he is out of practice, so encourage him if he does make an effort. The real point is if something changed find out what. I often find one spouse just prefers intercourse and so they stopped oral, but never realized how important it was to their mate. Adding it back can definitely spice things up again.
I agree that I would love jewelry from my husband. I don’t have pierced ears either, and only wear my wedding and engagement rings on my hands, but I love bracelets and necklaces. I also enjoy coffee and tea, games (card games, board games), crossword and sudoku puzzles, scarves, cheese, and chocolate. Things like books and movies are also good, but I’m pretty selective in what I like for those, so I usually ask for specific titles instead of generally saying ‘books and movies’. Hope that’s helpful. 🙂
Oh, and I know this is specific to me, but I would love lingerie. I very much enjoy doing romantic and sexual things with my husband, and I would love it if he would pick something out. That way I would know he would like it.
I always especially love it when my husband gives me gifts that show thought, planning, and understanding my interests. I’m a knitter, and one year, he went to my local yarn shop with a list of books from my Amazon wishlist. The owner was out of the ones I’d indicated, but she helped him find a similar book and two skeins of lovely sock yarn. Over time, he has learned that I feel very nervous when he waits till the 23rd or 24th to get my gift. I feel much more loved when I know he thought it through and was prepared early on, and I got to see the package under the tree, waiting for me.
I’ve commented here before, but would like to be anonymous for this question if that’s okay, as its kind of embarrassing.
My husband and I have been married for many years. We had a rough couple years, and have recently begun working on improving things. That’s been great. However, I have a much higher sex drive than he does, and it makes me feel ugly and worthless. I have been trying to grow in this area, but it’s still a struggle.
Anyhow, I had two gift ideas for him this Christmas, and now I’m sad because they are stupid and I need to forget them. See, I had been practicing a “romantic dance” let’s call it, and I thought it would be a great surprise. And I’m a good dancer, not clumsy or clunky, and I have really been anticipating this. Well a few weeks ago I read on another Christian marriage blog, a survey about strip clubs, and how many men have gone, and how many have paid for these private, personal dances. I asked my husband if he had ever done this, and he admitted he had. It was before we were together, and before we knew Christ, so I’m not really mad, but I am disappointed. What I thought would have been a special thing between us has been forever tainted. I have body image issues to begin with, and I will not compete with a perfect, beautiful, young, fit, sexy stripper. I refuse to do this, knowing the whole time that he would be remembering another woman with a perfect body. And the whole thing makes me sad.
I was also planning on buying something new and very attractive to wear to bed on Christmas Eve. But just the other day I came on to him (and because of our past, I have not allowed myself to initiate in a long time). He seemed really happy, but nothing was really happening that would indicate arousal, and so I told him nevermind. I was not mean or whiny, I just told him it was okay if he wasn’t into it, and I pretended to let it go. He snuggled me for a while until I got up to go about the rest of my day. I couldn’t let it go in my heart. Knowing that I cant arouse my own husband is a huge blow to my self worth. This is the first time this has happened. I have known for a while that he doesn’t find me attractive. He says he does, and he’s always telling me how very much he loves me, but his lower drive and his lack of arousal when I came on to him, prove far more than any words he could ever say.
Should I just give up? I’m thinking of praying for God to take away my sex drive altogether. I do love my husband so much and want to stay with him forever. But I’m thinking if I can lose my drive, the sex problems won’t hurt so much, and I won’t have to face the fact that he finds me repulsive.
I get so jealous when I read a post or a comment by a woman who says “I know my husband loves me” or “I know my husband loves to see me naked even though my body changed after baby”. I guess I’m thankful that my husband claims he loves me, but I wish I could be more attractive to him. And the really sick thing is, I love him so much, sometimes I feel badly that he got stuck with a wife he’s obviously not attracted to.
I’m going to try to put this out of my mind. I’ve decided to toss any and all lingerie I currently own, and to get a hobby or something in order to push my need for intimacy with my husband out of my mind. And for his gift I guess I’d better run out and get him a sweater or something. I’m just so thankful I realized this before making a fool out of myself. Thank you for listening.
And if this comment is too much, I totally understand if you don’t want to post it. I do not want to get anyone else upset, but I have no one to talk to and I needed to get this out. Thank you for listening.
Oh, my heart hurts as I read your story. Your pain is real and reasonable. It’s not too much to ask for your husband to desire you sexually!
That said, I hope you don’t pray for God to remove your sex drive. A marriage without sex isn’t what God intended for covenant love. He desires us to share ourselves fully, including physical intimacy. Giving up that part might save you some pain in the short-term, but it would cost your marriage in the long-term.
What I did pull from your story is (1) He says he finds you attractive and loves you. While you find it hard to believe given his reactions to you, I believe him. Here’s one reason why: I remember having zero sex drive post-babies, and I absolutely thought my husband was attractive and I adored him. My body simply wasn’t cooperating with any sort of libido to match. So your husband could very well be telling you the absolute truth. (2) His sex drive is an issue — an ongoing issue. Does he recognize that? Is he willing to speak with a doctor or counselor about it? There could be something going on with him that’s causing his lack of arousal…that could be fixed if addressed. (3) If your husband is responsive to your sexual initiation, but his body isn’t cooperating, take some more time to see if you can get him there. I don’t know his age, but as men grow older, it’s more difficult to achieve full erection by visual alone; it may require manual stimulation. (4) Comparisons kill, don’t they? I do this too sometimes, though with different stuff. But it can be easy to imagine when you read blogs about the Average Male that husbands are falling all over themselves trying to see and make love with their wives, and here you are just trying to get a rise out of your guy. At the end of the day, your situation is what you have to deal with. And I believe, with God’s help, you can. There’s nothing wrong with you having a high sex drive, and you two can likely help his sex drive increase. Perhaps that’s what you can pray for — his recognition, attention, and libido.
I’m praying for you both right now. Blessings!
Thank you for your kind reply. It makes me want to cry, but my kids are around and so crying is not an option.
I’m sorry to seem so difficult, but I don’t believe he finds me attractive. I am just an average woman. Not hideous, not gorgeous, but I don’t think I’m what he’s looking for. Sexually, I mean. Perhaps we’ve just been married too long and he’s tired of me. I’ve even wondered if in the past he thought of other women to become aroused, and now that we are trying to grow closer, and he’s trying to focus on me, it’s just not working for him. What’s weird is, we were together twice in one day the other day and everything went well. Then one day later is when it all went wrong. I have no idea what to think.
I think the only problem with his sex drive and arousal is me. If I were hotter, thinner, and didn’t have stretch marks he’d probably be far more turned on. He’s so into fluff talk, he tells me I’m “hot” but I know he doesn’t really believe it.
I’m at the point of giving up. Yes, comparison is a killer, but it’s also reality. And I’m not even on FB. I know that would be bad for me. It’s hard enough to read the blogs and know I’m the only woman so ugly her husband would actually choose sleep over sex.
He’s been trying to spend more time with me, and so I feel badly being upset. And after this happened, he got upset when every time he tried to kiss me I’d give him a quick kiss and then go about my business. But I have to guard myself against wanting him. I can’t take it anymore.
Thankfully he never knew my Christmas plans for him. I am selfishly heartbroken because I worked so hard, and I had such high hopes for his happiness, and now I know it would have just been a huge mess.
And I get mad at myself, because I know self pity is not the meaning of Christmas. I need to refocus.
Dear W – please don’t give up yet! I’m a higher drive wife married to a lower drive husband, and even on a good day the difference between our sex drive can be frustrating. Add in that my husband gets up at 4:30 am and doesn’t get home from work until pm means that there are quite a few nights where he crashes/falls asleep before we get time even just to talk without the kids around. Please, please don’t let yourself get totally shipwrecked over this. Everything that J suggested is true and really does apply in this situation (speaking again from personal experience). And even if we all had totally attractive bodies and faces our whole lives, if we continually thought we were ugly then we’d have a hard time finding intimacy, physically and mentally/spiritually. And please, please stop the comparison – there’s always going to be someone who is better than us at something, appearance or talents, and it’s too easy to take that like a stick and beat ourselves up with it. Try instead to list all the ways that he shows that he cares and loves you, the good things about his personality that you appreciate, even all the times that he has responded or approached you sexually. This is not easy at all to do, especially when we’re stuck in a more of comparison, frustration, and rejection. But it is definitely worth working on. I’ve prayed many times that God would take my sex drive away – He hasn’t yet, but with a lot of prayer, and communication with my husband, and working on my own attitudes and perceptions and weaknesses things have gotten better. Things aren’t perfect in my marriage and sex life, but what might seem seem like perfect should be probably won’t end up being what my husband and I will share in our lives together. I’ll be praying for you! 🙂
Your post really resonated with me, because I know at times I’ve made my wife feel the same way. I just want to make a few observations/comments from a male perspective:
– for a man who truly loves his wife, one of the very worst feelings is to know that your wife desires you, but not feel able to respond accordingly
– I think sometimes we buy into the idea that men’s sexuality is as simple as more “hotness”= more arousal, always; we may operate that way sometimes apparently, but the reality is that we’re not that simple
– If he says he finds you attractive, and he loves you, BELIEVE HIM! despite what his body does. If you do not trust his love, he will pull away.
– don’t buy the lie that some image of “physical perfection” is the key, because it’s not
– if you love him, DON’T GIVE UP ON HIM. You have no idea the impact you can have on your husband if you’re willing to persevere no matter what; the moments my wife has briefly given up on me have been devastating, while her persistence while I’m struggling has blessed me many times over
– you need to talk to your husband about what the issues are, and it sounds like some sort of counselling is warranted to get to what the real issues are. If you both love each other and are committed to each other, then commit yourselves to finding a better way together!
Here is a followup post of what to get our wife for this year.
Here are some very personalized gifts, you can give your wife. http://wp.me/p50Bqq-4j
“A Blessed man” – Wow can I appreciate your comments.
Ladies, please know that your man’s ego is very fragile. Many of the wives we work with in marriage coaching fail to understand that a macho exterior or even a hard shell in communication does not mean a strong emotional male psyche.
It may be difficult for your he-man husband to admit he is a “little boy” in some areas of his inner being. He may have hidden that from you trying to keep his image of a provider. He was not trying to be secretive, he is afraid of how you will react if you find out he is vulnerable where you think he should be strong. By the way that makes him human, not weak!
Be open to his frailties and you will be astounded how much he appreciates your help.
Recently my wife was sharing with one of our close friends (female) about how frail my ego is and she was shocked because I act confident because in my roles, I am supposed to be that way.
As I came up on the conversation I asked our friend why she thought I appear confident and really have the same trepidations as others , she was not sure. I told her it is my way to control the situations and keep people at arms length.
Many clowns suffer from depression but their face is painted in a smile.
What haunts your husband? Take the time to help him know that you are a safe place for him to be at peace. Your relationship will never be the same!
Jerry Stumpf – Your marriage communication coach
Personally, I highly doubt the stripper will be prominent in his mind while you are giving him that gift. My own hubby has been to strip clubs both before and after marriage (grrrr) but I tell you, me, his wife, doing a little wiggle, or even just undressing before bed is LIGHTYEARS BETTER than any wouldn’t-tough-with-a-ten-foot-pole stripper.
Secondly, don’t do the dance because you’re hoping for something out of him. I made that mistake. I dressed up in a cute, sexy costume hoping he’d get all bug-eyed and wolf-whistle and instead he laughed at me. I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. I got some counseling and basically was told if I like costuming and hubby isn’t against it, do it for me. If you want to dance as a gift to him, do it. Just don’t expect or dictate how he should react. Give it as a blessing. Do it for fun.
If you like lingerie, wear it! Flaunt it, enjoy it!
We can’t force or manipulate our lower drive husbands to react like a TV sitcom husband and go from zero to frat boy in .5 seconds. His sex drive does NOT dictate your sex appeal. He is not a barometer for your attractiveness. He is just the blessed recipient of it.
No amount of stripping, dancing, lingerie, suggestions of kinky sex acts, etc can force our husbands to be the sex-man we want. Stop killing yourself trying. Instead, work on the practical (check his testosterone levels, talk it over with him) and enjoy what you enjoy because YOU enjoy it or want to bless him.
I love your caveat on the ‘personal care service’ – I don’t like the idea of going to a spa, but my husband knows I love a long, relaxing bath at home. (Is it obvious that we don’t have kids yet? 😉 )
He’s rather similar. We both love getting massages from each other, but don’t feel comfortable going for professional ones. So I floated the idea of a couple’s massage class, and he was comfortable with that. I found a local class that discusses communication and notes that they use good privacy techniques, so i signed us up as part of the “to us” gift!
Would just like to say, I found the Good Girl’s Guide very helpful, and it was given to me by my husband before our marriage, but at my request. I wanted him to read it too – which he did, before he gave it to me! I don’t know how helpful it would be if you’ve already been married for a while. Also: reading the replies here reminds me how lucky I am, because when it comes to ‘the hot’, my husband makes me feel like some sexy movie star, not the dumpy size-12 woman that I am.
I love hearing stories like this — a husband who absolutely adores the beauty of his wife. Thanks!
I read these blogs and so many men feel their wives don’t give them enough sexy times. I actually don’t get a lot of pleasure out of the thing itself, but when my husband looks at me ‘that way’ I have no problem being in the mood. So, husbands, try making your wives feel ‘teh sexy’!
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