Orgasm: If Only I Could O

Orgasm. Have you had one? I recently got a question from a commenter. Here’s what she (Anonymous) said:

“My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to believe that I can’t. I love sex… I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?”

So if I were a sex therapist (which I’m not), I would likely ask questions about sexual history, events that shaped sexual perspective, marital health, techniques, and so on. But maybe it’s just as well to give a general “How to” lesson – which will be broad, but may include helpful tips. So without further ado, here’s my rendition of How to Orgasm.

Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally

from When Harry Met Sally

Don’t try to orgasm. Yes, it’s a worthy goal, and I’m in favor of reaching that awe-inducing climax and yelling “Yippee!” at its apex. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you’re out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voilá! there they are – the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.

Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.

Learn about your body. There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. The most thorough treatment I’ve read was from Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, but there are other sources. One important fact is that the clitoris is where orgasm occurs for women, and this body part appears to have no other purpose than inducing sexual arousal. (Thank you, God.) The Wheats state that “sufficient physical stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce orgasm in nearly all women.” Of course, what constitutes that “sufficient physical stimulation” is what wives, and husbands, need to know.Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband’s, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.

You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he’s already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.

Slow way down. Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. In fact, husbands have been compared to microwaves and wives to slow cookers for how long it takes them to heat up. (Thanks to Sheila Gregoire for reminding me of this comparison.) It takes some time for most women to become aroused, fully lubricated, and for the inner vagina lips (labia minora) to swell.

Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.

And that’s okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.

Focus on the sensations. The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it’s easy for us to think about sex and — sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex i the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what’s happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.

Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration – getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.

Communicate. Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.

Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I have never seen a Hollywood love scene where one actor said to the other, “Oh, not there. Over a little bit. Yeah, right there.” (Actually, I see very few such scenes these days by avoiding R-rated films, but that’s another story.)

I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn’t mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he’ll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” move his hand and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Smiles, oohs, aahs, and groans also let a hubby know when he’s hit the jackpot. You could throw in a “You rock my world, baby!” if you feel so moved. That usually goes over well.

Surrender to the moment. Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.Give in to the moment when it arrives. Makes noises. Grimace. Scream. Flail about. Whatever floats your boat. I wonder about couples who videotape their lovemaking sessions because I’m pretty sure that orgasms are not pretty. If you watched a woman undergoing an intense orgasm, she might look like a rabid animal. But this is not the time to worry about how you look or what the neighbors might think if they heard you. (Hey, they’re probably thinking “Good for her!”) At that apex of pleasure, let go and revel in your one-fleshness.

My analogy would be riding a roller coaster (which I LOVE to do!). Tension grows as you slowly inch up to that tallest peak. When you reach the top, you must decide: Am I going to grip this safety bar and close my eyes? Or am I going to raise my hands and scream with delight? As you might guess, I always go for #2. It’s so much funner that way. Surrender to the moment.

Well, that’s it. Today’s tips for how to orgasm.

You know what was so great about this reader’s question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. “I love sex,” she wrote.

By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don’t require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don’t hit that Big O, and that’s okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. The Generous Husband recently had a great post on this very topic: Okay – but only if I can skip the “O”.Still, orgasms remind me of ordering a peppermint hot chocolate (my go-to drink) at Starbucks. They always ask if I want whipped cream. I want to say, “Duh. The cocoa is great, but if I can get whipped cream, I’m totally there.”

Sex = chocolaty goodness. Orgasm = whipped cream. Definitely a great combo.

Starbucks cocoa

Now readers, what are you tips for achieving an orgasm? Have you struggled in this way? Learned anything along the way? Share your story or your suggestions.

Quick Note: Stu and Lisa Gray have revealed nominees for their 2011 Top Marriage Blogs List. Check out the links and vote at the Stupendous Marriage website.

40 thoughts on “Orgasm: If Only I Could O

  1. The Younger Rachael

    I love this post! Honestly, and being very honest, gaining the O isn’t that hard for me, but there is one additional thing I can do to help it out.

    Visualize — we had a great floor length closet door mirror in our first apartment. That got some images for me that can help if my mind is wanting to wander. I think about what it looks like as we are going for it. Mirrors are great tools, and if someone finds your mirror — no biggy! I know this can be risky business for someone who has delved into porn in the past, so use with caution. That’s why I think the mirror can be so useful. You can think about what you and hubby are doing, and what that looks like, not what it looks like for someone else.

    One time, back when we living in an apartment, it was summer and the windows were open, and we’d had a very pleasurable love making session and I had been rather noisy at that point of climax. We were snuggling when we hear from outside “Hope you used a rubber!” Oh, gosh, the embarrassed giggles! At the same time, the pride on Hubby’s face when we laugh about that time — its worth the embarrassment!

  2. IAAMM

    The tips are right on. Inevitably, you just gotta discover what works for you. But having a clear mind, enjoying the moment, and working your sexuality in a way that pleases you are a good place to start. A little selfishness can go a long way in the bedroom. Trust, your husband will love it, and pat himself on the back…LOL

  3. tstanley2

    I ALWAYS have an orgasm. But that’s bcz my husband of 21 years knows me and what works. I don’t even like toys as much as his hands (or even mine). I never have an orgasm with him in me though. If I do, it’s so intense I push him out and that ends the orgasm. So we’re content with him manually stimulating me and then he going in after I’m done. Too much info??? 🙂

  4. Anonymous

    I want to add– give it time. My husband and I are on our way to our 12th anniversary, and I think the first time he brought be to full on climax was this past summer. It took us some time and getting comfortable with each other and learning about each other and just discovering that we could completely trust one another to finally get to this point. And now– the sex just keeps getting better. Not that it was bad before. But the changes in our first 11 years of marriage have made me really look forward to the next eleven years!!! 😀

  5. Lori

    The other thing I’ve read fairly consistently is that women need to breathe fully. Relax and don’t stifle your breathing. Don’t worry about noise.

  6. Britney

    I was sexually abused as a child and often struggle to focus on what is now (awesome) instead of what was before (horrible). I have found that asking my husband to speak to me or simply say my name can pull my thoughts right back to our bedroom. This helps me focus on him and what we are doing instead of on the abuse. When I am focused on him I am able to fully relax. Once relaxed he knows just what to do 🙂

    It took me almost 3 years to get this figured out. Talk, Talk, Talk, to your husband and let him know if you are having troubles relaxing due to abuse. I bet he will be more than happy to take some extra time to help you out.

    1. Anonymous

      Thank you! I’ve been disociating because of past abuse. His voice always brings me back, especially with eye contact. He doesn’t do it all the time, though, because he apparently loses focus, himself, but I’ll continue to encourage it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the tip!

  7. Anonymous

    Love this! So important for all us woman out there! Thank you for sharing these amazing ideas! Kate @onefleshmarriage

  8. Julie Sibert

    I love the post and all the comments as well! (Oh, and I love roller coasters too. Is there no end, Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous, to the things we have in common?)

    All the suggestions are fabulous and spot on. I particularly think it is helpful to focus on the pleasure, especially as things intensify. Lean into that feeling (mentally and physically).

    The other thing I always remind women is that some things are worth working toward. In other words, if you can’t orgasm, don’t give up too easily and certainly don’t fake it. Keep talking, keep discovering each other’s bodies, etc. Don’t rule out some self discovery — even if you are against masturbation in general, there is something to be said for self discovery on your own as a way to truly understand your body and the type and intensity of touch needed on your clitoris for you to climax. Then use this info to teach your husband.

    I don’t think orgasm is everything, but I do think it is a very strong something. And it was designed by God — the clitoris was His handiwork, and it has no other purpose but sexual pleasure in a woman. Not always easy getting there, but so worth it… such a glimpse of some of the goodness He instilled in sexual intimacy.

  9. J

    Such amazing comments. I wasn’t replying because I really didn’t have anything to add to your great stuff!

    I did have a friend mention a physiological issue to me. I haven’t researched this, but she said that a woman can struggle to orgasm if she lacks enough testosterone in her body. Anyone know about that?

  10. J

    Thanks so much, Gregory. Mayo Clinic is definitely a reputable source. Their take is kind of what I thought. Testosterone is more involved in libido. If a woman has a good sex drive but can’t orgasm, I would suspect something else is at play.

  11. Anonymous

    Under #2 you said, “It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.”

    Most husbands would probably jump at the chance to pleasure their wife and just watch her enjoy it. I know I do.

    Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to return the favor afterwards…

  12. Gwen

    Less than 10% of women are never able to achieve orgasm because of a medical condition so there’s definitely hope for most that are struggling. Sensate focus is one of the most helpful tools in getting women there. All of the other suggestions are really great- relaxing, fantasizing, not focusing on orgasm, work through past trauma etc.

  13. Heather L.

    I was one who when newly married was not sure if I was having an orgasm and if so, what is exactly felt like. People had always told me that when it happens, you know, but that was not the case for me. I later figured out that I had been having orgasms, but they were not as intense as they are now. It is easy for me to know when I am getting close now, where as when my hubby and I were first married he was unsure if I actually had one. Part of this was that we failed to take the time to learn each others’ bodies and what causes pleasure. My husband had multiple sex partners before we were married, so he had a kind of play book for that kind of thing, and it wasn’t really what I needed. We figured it out, and we’re still learning, but it would have been SO helpful for us to read and work through “Intended for Pleasure” when we first got married.

  14. Anonymous

    One major factor that you have overlooked is hormonal birth control. Anything that is changing your cycle is also changing your desire. Hormonal birth control is mimicking pregnancy, thus not allowing the chemical cocktail during ovulation to occur. I did not know this as a new bride, and it wasn’t until I stopped taking birth control after two years of marriage that I had my first orgasm. There are many other ways to avoid a pregnancy out there that do not involve hormones… unfortunately doctors don’t get any incentive to teach you these methods.

  15. Innisfree in Alaska

    Also certain anti -depressants make it harder. It took me ten years a vibrator and pointing my toes. Now we learner together how to help it along. But I had to figure out what ir was first.

  16. Anonymous

    So I have a question for you J, as a newlywed…I have not yet experienced climax simply from thrust. Hubby always has to manually stimulate me while thrusting. Am I doing something wrong? I’ve tried tilting various directions and found some things make HIM feel really good but I don’t seem to feel any stimulation (although thrusting feels nice it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere and hubby has a ticking timer once he starts on how long he can hold out hehe). I feel like I must be missing something? Or is it something that just takes some time to learn?

    1. J

      I can probably guarantee you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s difficult for most women to reach climax through vaginal thrust alone, at least at the beginning. Some wives do find that it’s easier to orgasm during intercourse if they have already experienced orgasm before penetration (through manual stimulation or oral sex). Once you’ve already gotten to the top of the mountain, it’s not as hard to reach the climax again, so to speak.

      Also, as a woman married many years–and with lots of sex under my belt–I can feel things now I didn’t feel when we were first married. Not to get too detailed, but if you continue to explore each other and enjoy the experience, I think you’ll eventually tune into the smaller movements and feel of his penis inside you, and it becomes easier to have that big O.

      And that long response is all to say, Yes, it takes some time to learn. But hey, what an awesome class to attend! 🙂 Best wishes & my prayers for you.

  17. Anonymous

    I realize this isn’t a sex therapist’s blog…but from one woman to another… 🙂 I have been married to my fantastic husband for over six years now and still haven’t attained the Big O. Until our first child was born, I had pain or discomfort probably 95% of the times we had sex. It wasn’t until our 2nd child was born 8 months ago that all pain/discomfort is completely gone. In these 8 months, we have reached incredible heights in our lovemaking. We keep saying “We have got to be so incredibly close to an orgasm…” But close doesn’t count.

    I know this is a personal subject, but I’m curious to know from Christian ladies who have experienced an orgasm whether in the learning curve you had peaks of pleasure which only increased from one session to the next. It feels like I am living on a plateau in which it feels tremendous but no orgasm overtakes me. You say don’t try for one but focus on pleasure…I can hardly dissect the two. I guess we’ve wanted one for so long and yeah, I guess I want one badly enough that when things are really feeling great, I find myself thinking “is this the start of one?”

    My husband and I keep praying for and dreaming of the victory and have a honeymoon getaway spot picked out to celebrate it. 🙂 ….I hope we can get there. But sometimes I find it hard to believe we ever will.

    1. J

      In the vein of “one woman to another,” if you and I were close friends having coffee, I’d probably start asking questions. Like is he using manual or oral stimulation before penetration? Do you focus for a long time on foreplay? What positions have you tried? (How about this one? This one? Etc.) Are there any distractions in your bedroom? And so on.

      If you feel like you’re close, you probably are. And the good news is that once you have an orgasm, it’s easier to reach it the next time. My point is that if that “is this the start of one?” question comes to mind, try to return your attention just to the sensations of your body and how awesome it feels. Practice this focus, and maybe it will help.

      And yeah, I’m saying a prayer that you and your hubby can get you there. Just in case, pack confetti for your honeymoon getaway spot. 😉

    2. Anonymous

      🙂 Manual stimulation for as long as it feels good for me…often about 40 min. I’m fairly flexible so we’ve tried anything from normal to bizarre positions :). We’ve done quite a bit of research on it and have come across the reportedly “best positions” for female orgasms, however, we tend to stick with the ones in which my peaks of pleasure are the highest. No distractions in the bedroom…husband is great with soft lighting, etc. Technically, according to the research we’ve done, it seems like we should have been there by now and according to my physical responses, it surely, surely has to be close.

      At any rate, I’m really glad for this post and I’ll take #1 to heart and really focus on the pleasure. He loves giving me pleasure and I’m extremely blessed to have married a guy like mine. Thanks for the advice! 🙂

      coffee is gone…gotta go buy confetti. 🙂

    3. A

      HI! I realize it has been almost a year since your post. Don’t know if you’ll even read this. Just curious, have you reached orgasm yet?
      Your story sounds so similar to mine, I just thought maybe if you’ve gotten there you can share.
      We’ve been married for almost 10 years with 2 kids. Sex did get better after having kids. But still not there.
      Much like you I feel like I reach a plateau which I just cannot get past. No matter what we try. I’ve read up on it, seen therapists etc and you are the first time I read the exact description I use.
      Its easy to say don’t try for it, but a decade later it is sooo frustrating.

  18. Ambrosia

    All these comments are great, but they don’t help me any… I can’t seem to climax without penetration, and my husband has a very hard time. (Which makes pregnancy and period days annoying…) I climax multiple times with intercourse, but manual and oral stimulation are usually uncomfortable and rather boring.
    It seems rather backwards to what everyone else’s normal is… I don’t mind but feel like we should aim higher.

  19. Jemmie

    I have the exact same thing. Is there someone who’s been through and can tell us what we’re doing wrong?

  20. J Post author

    @Ambrosia and @Jemmie.

    I don’t think you’re doing something “wrong.” I do believe, however, that you may need to explore and experiment some more. One thing I suspect couples don’t spend enough time doing is…taking time. It may simply require more time with him touching you and you communicating where you do and don’t enjoy being touched to find what gets you up that hill and to the pleasure peak.

    Some women also simply don’t respond as well earlier in life as their body does later. There are definitely women who goes years without having a clitoral or vaginal orgasm, and then bam it happens. It’s like they’ve reached a tipping point, and their bodies can relax and revel in the full sensations.

    Go ahead and take the tips that work for you, try out some new things on your end, and see what happens. Hey, if nothing else, you’ll have fun learning! Best wishes with the Os! 🙂

  21. Pingback: What’s So Great about an Orgasm? | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  22. Ashlee

    I’ve been trying for over a decade with my hubby myself. I have a big question as well. In all my life I had never experienced what I would consider physical arousal until this past week. Let me explain first. When I wash my vsginal area aka my lady friend in the shower it just feels like I’m washing a delicate area of skin. When having intimate times with my husband and he is spending 40-60min trying to pleasure me in every way shape and form manual oral visual gentle firm soft verbal he really tries. He will ask me what I like and his goal is to bring me as much pleasure as possible. With all that said it all feels great but so does the back rub he gives me. I’d say oral sex is a few notches nicer because it’s more sensitive skin there BUT it just feels like skin. I’m emotionally aroused but not physically. Now fast forward to this past week. My dear husband had made a sexually dominant move a few days prior to the arousal event. He had kind of picked me up like a rag doll and was very passionately kissing me. The. A few nights later I was rocking our baby to sleep in another room while he was in out bed lying down and we were texting (since we couldn’t speak face to face at that moment) and he began sexting me. He was a aroused and looking to get lucky and way just texting me sexual things and feelings he was having about us. I then began to remember the dominate and passionate move he had made on me a few nights earlier and OMG something happened with my lady friend that I had NEVER IN MY LIFE EXPERIENCED. My clitoris began THROBBING and I could feel a very big increase in heat down there and it was feeling very nice without even touching it or being touched. Once I got the Baby to sleep I went to freshen up and happend to try to wash that area and it felt SO different and sexual sensitivity like and so I looked at it and it was at least double it’s normal size the hood and all. I didn’t know what was happening but I was so ready and actually wanting to have it touched. It no longer just felt like skin. Unfortunately it was never going to get touched that night because I was still battleing a yeast infection and had to leave my underwear on during our intimate time. The next day I started googling what the heck that was and how it came to be. Well they call is a clitoral erection. It’s basically the equivalent to female arousal in the physical sense. My clitoris throbbed for several hours and I remained sexually excited hours after he was finished. Yeast infection is gone bye bye and we have tried twice more to recreate the clitoral erection but no such luck. It’s the only time in my entire life I have ever experienced that. I am a woman who has never had a sex drive or sexual thoughts or fantasies even as a teen and beyond and has never had an orgasm and apparently I’ve never been sexually aroused either until just a week ago! So now I’m on a joirney searching to figure out HOW to get that kind of physical arousal from my body again!!!!! It’s night and difference and I would for me compare it to when a man gets aroused he gets an erection from the blood flow. All these years and I never knew of this and that its supposed to happen. I too have lots of vsginal pain at 12’oclock with intercourse 90% of the time and I’ve had 2 babies but both were Caesarian. So I’ve never enjoyed the physical side of intercourse and really the only thing physically I get out of it is some feel good sensations such as back rubs and caressing and kissing and oral but none of which are any better than the other in preference. I mostly enjoy the emotional and feeling of closeness from sex. I will tell you what though… The clitoral erection made me beg for sex (stupid yeast infection!) and I wish there were a guide or answers as to how to get it back!!!! I’d take any advice I can get!

    1. J Post author

      A few things I want to address here, Ashlee:

      First, you say that you’ve never experienced true arousal in that area. Have you consulted a doctor? There are medical conditions and physiological challenges some wives face that can cause lack of excitement or discomfort. Also, if you’ve been on hormonal treatments, including birth control, that can affect your physical response. Always start by checking that no physical obstacles exist. Be upfront with your doctor and see if something’s going on.

      Second, when physical problems are not involved but someone still has problems getting aroused, oftentimes there’s a history getting in the way. It can be anything from sexual abuse to poor teaching on sex to prior promiscuity to porn use, etc. But our experiences can rewire how we view sexuality, and we may need to sort out why we respond the ways we do. You needn’t dwell in the past, but you should address it if there are issues remaining that color your view of healthy, pleasurable sexuality.

      Third, you mention twice that his dominant move interested you. That could mean all kinds of things — from you not seeing your husband as a leader in other ways and you being excited when it does show that side, to a simple desire for your husband to be stronger and more assertive, to an off-kilter view that he needs to be rough or demanding with you for arousal to occur. I just mention that for you to consider what’s going on. Why was that move so attractive to you? Does it illuminate something you need to work on in the relationship?

      Fourth, as to the “clitoral erection,” when a woman is aroused, her vagina typically lubricates and the inner lips swell to almost third times their size. The clitoris also becomes more prominent, likely so that it’s more easily accessed and aroused. All of those things are normal physical reactions to sexual pleasure. So what you’re describing sounds like what you would experience if you could get turned on with your husband’s touch.

      So here’s the final scoop: Since it sounds like a lot of this is in your head, that’s where you might want to start with getting it back. Perhaps your husband’s arousal needs to start with talking you through what you both want and with you both doing more to anticipate and prepare for sex. Build the anticipation and the excitement ahead of time for what you want to do and experience. Make sure he goes slow and gentle and teasing until your head is really in the game. Add lubrication if you need it — plenty and find one you really like. Focus on yourself as a sexual being and lose yourself in the moment.

      Check into the other things I mentioned as well. But it also sounds like you’ve gone so long without arousal that it’s hard for you to surrender yourself to those sensations.

      I pray that you figure this out. Keep your husband in the loop. And if things don’t work out, seek out a Christian counselor who can help you personally work through your circumstances. Blessings!

  23. Ashlee

    Thanks for the reply. I don’t have any past porn use or rape issues. I’ve had a couple men touch me inappropriately in my teenage years but like through playing the “tickle” game and it become awkward and another incident that way more deliberate but not anything I freaked out over. I was able to leave the situation and was always fully dressed when they attempted to have inappropriate touch but it was obviously in welcomed and awkward. I’m just sharing these making aware that I have addressed these potential issues mentally. I did give my self away foolishly to the first man I ever loved and after a few years I found out he was unfaithful and I ended that relationship painfully. The only other person I’ve been with is my husband. He’s wonderful and loves The Lord. He is a manly man and I will say that the stronger he grows into being the spiritual leader of our home the more attratced I am to him. I also know that even as a teenage I was always more attracted to older men and all my high school friends weren’t. I was attracted to men as in salt n pepper hair and like age 40. Even now I am excited to imagine my hubby at age 40! I have a loving father who is my rock and the the rock of our family. Just a good ol boy so I never experienced issues with not having a father figure becaue I did have a great strong father. You said that maybe becaue it had been so long since I have felt arousal that I can’t allow myself to lean into the moment. Well… I’ve never experienced physical arousal like that in my life that I know of. That was my first time. Ever. Also I was on birth control 10 treats ago for a maybe 5 years or less and I didn’t have a libido or arousal prior to the birth control and have never had either libido or birth control. Even as a teenager when my hormones are supposed to be raging. Never has that boy crazy side to me. My girl friends always said I could have been a nun. I have been on a journey and praying a lot. I read the good girls guide to sex and we are on day 6 of shields 31 day challenge. I also reading kiss me again about past sexual bonds and healing and such. All in which are great insight. I can say that I believe my husband and I are making progress especially since I actually felt an arousal response but what’s helped my libido go from non existent to alive has been the mental side of things. Such as reframing my thoughts about both the spiritual purpose of the marriage bed AND forcing myself to bring sexual thoughts to my brain while say doing dishes. Since I have never cared to have sex I also never dream or fantasize or even think about it either. Since making myself try to think about sexual things and fantasies and trying to really concentrate and not letting my mind wonder (very hard!) I find myself more open to my husbands advances and it’s not feeling like a chore anymore and I am enjoying our intimate times together more. I do want to get my hormones checked BUT what can they do for me if I have a true arousal disorder? We’ve had more sex in the last month than we have in the last Year or more and I have been joking with my husband that he has awakes sleeping beauty! That arousal response is such a hope for me that maybe my body can feel pleasure and maybe it’s not broke but was just never awakened. There may be some physical problems too since this has just always been so for me and I can definelty see how my brain really is my biggest sex organ. I appreciate your response. I don’t know why I like the dominant move so much and since then I’ve ventured into that even further and have found is very erotic to be told what to do and demanded. I am a perfectionist and critical and control freak kind of person so maybe just maybe not being able to “allow myself to lean into the pleaure” is a very real issue but I feel like I am reallllllllllly trying to hyper focus on just feeling SOMETHING! Also maybe that’s why I like the dominance and even being told what to do In a dominant / submissive manner. Maybe is allows me to mentally let go of my control issues and someone else is in control. Problem is the how do your turn it off??????? Mysteries! Thanks for this blog. Maybe someday I will arrive on this joirney to experience the pleasure of arousal and even better RELEASE!

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  31. Lynn

    I have a wonderful Christian husband and when we got married we were both virgins. Although he did an amazing job of working with me, I was very frustrated that after 4 months I still couldn’t have an orgasm. I did have some pain initially with sex, but he went slow and was sensitive. I wanted to figure this out, so I wanted to keep trying! I had also been on birth control, but my hormones were a mess so we threw them out after 3 months. And as we kept working on things, he would encourage me to let him know what gave me the strongest feelings of arousal. Even though he tried to concentrate on or around my clitoris (gentle, with lots of lube) I still couldn’t get there…even though that is what ALL the books say. Then we began to realize that for me, breast/nipple stimulation was very arousing to me. He had me be on top, so he could easily stimulate my nipples…and guess what? With continual stimulation and with me being able to move the right way…I had an ORGASM!!! In fact, when it first came, I was so surprised that it almost scared me! LOL!! But we were both so excited and I cried with joy!!! I think I had felt like something was so wrong with me, and was overjoyed that I now could experience this!!! Once we figured it out (nipple stimulation both in foreplay and during intercourse) I have an orgasm almost every time we have sex…WhooHoo!!! And if I don’t, its usually b/c we didn’t have enough foreplay (nipple stim) to get me fully aroused. I’m so thankful that my husband kept working with me and encouraged me to listen to my body…not just books. Each of us are different and you must pay attention to what causes you to have the most good “twinges” and waves of arousal. Keep following those…or try doing them all together…and you will find the path to orgasm! I also think that getting off birth control was HUGE for me…because my libido was so low during that time. We have now been married 12 years, have 4 beautiful babies, and our sex life continues to get better! Yes, there are ups and downs with pregnancy and all, but thankful that God has given us this life together and what a blessing to share in sweet, passionate intimacy together!

    1. J Post author

      Wow. Congrats on figuring it out! Some aspects of sexual intimacy really are unique to the individual/couple. It’s a great testimony that you worked together to figure things out. Many blessings!

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