Why I Don’t Use Sex Toys

Despite my willingness to try new things and experiment in the bedroom, I’ve been reluctant to include sex toys in our marital intimacy.

I don’t have a moral or emotional aversion to them. I believe it’s fine to include sex toys in your marital lovemaking as long as it is mutually agreed upon and enjoyed and they don’t become a crutch. So why don’t I use sex toys?

The names. When I look at what these things are called, they don’t invite me to use them. “Nipple clamps”? “Cock ring”? “Penis pump”? “Butt plug”? Even the word “vibrator” isn’t the least bit appealing. I think these products need some serious relabeling. Perhaps the makers of sex toys need to consult the teams who name amusement park rides. Perhaps that vibrator should be renamed the Thunderbolt Express or El Toro. Personally, I suggest “The Pleasurator.”

Oddly-shaped vibrator

Don’t know what this is, but at least it’s called…
The UFO Masturbator
Pic by Morderska, via Wikimedia Commons

The stores that sell them. Most of the stores that sell sex toys also sell porn. The most popular sex-products store near me has lingerie, sexual aids, novelty items, and then a back room full of pornography. I would be incredibly uncomfortable doing business with a store that promotes and profits from porn. Thankfully, these days there are Christian retailers online who sell “marital aids” or “intimacy products” for married couples. While I haven’t purchased sex toys from them, I have bought other sexy items through such retailers.

The scary stuff alongside the sexy stuff. Enter the store I mentioned above, and you’ll see a range of products. Sure, there are the racks of lacy nighties, displays of romance and sex coupons, and the wall of vibrators (seriously, a whole wall), but there are also items that remind me less of sex and more of medieval torture. Life is painful enough without introducing pain into the bedroom. Once I see such things, I can’t get them out of my mind. My cringe-radar goes off, and I find it hard to focus on the sexy stuff.

“Designer Vibrators”
Pic by Eva K., via Wikimedia Commons

The machinery. Technology is awesome in many ways. I love my car, my cell phone, this laptop, the Internet that allows me to blog, etc. Getting a new gadget can put a smile on my face for a week. But I guess reading science fiction novels and watching The Terminatorย more times than I can count has also caused me a little trepidation about using machines for everything. Do I really want to invite “the rise of the machines” into my marriage bed? You know, it never ends well in science fiction when the machines take over.

The lack of flesh. One of my favorite things about sex with my husband is the skin-to-skin contact. I confess that I have never liked using condoms for that very reason. So the notion that I’d give up the feeling of my husband’s hand or penis in exchange for a synthetic substance touching me — no matter how “talented” it is — doesn’t appeal to me. Perhaps even more than having an orgasm, I like being touched.

The cost. Okay, I admit it. I’m a cheap date for my husband. He doesn’t have to buy me dinner or bring home flowers or toss jewelry in my direction to get me in bed. (Although if you’re reading this, Spock, dinner out would be lovely.) Sex may be the least expensive and most fun thing we do. For the cost of a small bottle of lubricant, a nightie or two, and a candle, we can create hours and hours of mutual enjoyment. But sex toys cost money. I’ve yet to look at a sex toy and think, “I want that so much that I’m willing to shell out $___ for it.” Maybe I’m still waiting for a marital-aid company to send me free samples . . . you know, given my Christian sex blog and all. But for now, I’d rather use my money on a dinner out . . . or even better, a dinner in.

The contentment. This is the number one reason we don’t use sex toys. We really like our sex life the way it is. My husband and I are able to get aroused, pleasure one another, reach orgasm consistently, and feel satisfied with our sexual encounters. We’re not really feeling the need for more in that area. If I’m going to invest in a toy that would improve our marriage, it would probably be something more like a self-vacuum cleaner or a universal remote — both of which would save us time and allow us more time to make love.

So what are your reasons for using or not using sex toys? Do you think they enhance marital intimacy or detract from it?

See also Is It Playtime? Sex Toys.

74 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Use Sex Toys

  1. happywife

    We have never used toys either (unless you count a feather for tickling or dice to see what body part gets attention next ๐Ÿ™‚
    I have never been comfortable with the idea of toys because they seem masturbatory to me. I want my husband to be the one giving me pleasure, not a piece of plastic.

    1. J

      I totally get that. Some of that “plastic,” though, is made to look like the real thing. Weird.

    2. Anonymous

      Toys in the bedroom should never be used to replace your spouse! In my business, I encourage women and men to use toys to enhance relationships and intimacy not replace it! Communication is key! Toys can be fun and exciting and something new to many couples. It is, however, a matter of personal choice.

    3. Shauna

      Thank you for the the post, it was enlightening to me. I do in home adult relationship enhancing parties where the “store with porn” is taken away, there is one on one interaction and explanation and discussion, and with my demos – I too HATE the names and word “vibrator.” My goal in life is to enhance relationships and educate women (and men) on keeping relationships alive and healthy and exciting! When I go into a “toy store” I immediately feel dirty and like I am doing something “wrong.” I love the fact that I can bring products to a woman’s home and confidentially help them spice up their love life! thank you again for sharing!!!! Blessings

  2. Anonymous

    I would love to say that I don’t use sex toys but unfortunately for me its the only way I can orgasm. Early in our marriage I rarely and infrequently was able to orgasm. So a good friend suggested some toys. I use them with my husband. I use a “bullet” for clit stimulation during sex so I don’t sacrifice skin contact with my husband either. I would love to orgasm anytime in any position but unfortunately I can only orgasm using this toy in a very specific position. Even manual or oral stimulation doesn’t do it for me. Its very frustrating and we have worked on it a ton but it is what it is. And honestly its a thousand times better than it was before we bought the toy. Now I can orgasm almost every time and that pleases my husband immensely.

    1. Anonymous

      I have the same problem! So glad to know I’m not the only one. Don’t know if there is anything to do about it other than using “the bullet”. Works great, it’s small so doesn’t usually get in the way. Luckily my husband has been very understanding & good w/ it all. Doesn’t seem to bother him and we try to make sure it’s a pleasurable experience for both of us. Now I just need to get my LD up so we can enjoy each other more often. Any suggestions?

    2. J

      I suspect it is a lot of women who don’t orgasm through intercourse alone. But I always wonder where we get statistics like this. How reliable are they?

      I tend to believe that most women can eventually orgasm through intercourse, although it may be a second orgasm in the lovemaking experience with the first brought on through other means. And I don’t know that it’s necessary to have it one way or another. It’s all nice and gives you both a pleasurable feeling. Just my two cents here.

    3. Shauna

      82% of women require clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. As women, we must communicate what we need to our spouses so that love making remains enjoyable and exciting for both parties. You CAN orgasm with lovemaking alone, it make take practice and you may need toys in foreplay….but it can be done! I can’t emphasize communication enough. Toys should be a part of foreplay but shouldn’t be needed every time. Just my opinion…

    4. J

      I appreciate your input, Shauna. Communication is indeed important when orgasm is not easily achieved and desired.

      But where do we get this statistic of 82%? For some reason, stuff like that bothers me. When it comes to sex, I tend to trust estimates more than specific stats because it’s difficult (and a little icky at times) to measure other than self-report, and self-report is not reliable to that level.

      Thanks!

    5. Shauna

      J – my stats come from various varifiable sources. One is Dr. Drew Pinsky, whom I have had the pleasure of personally hearing speak. The other is Dr. Phile (drphil.com) states 50-75% of women require clitoral stimulation. Another sourse is Passion Parties Guide to Great Sex by Pat Davis, and last but not least, today.com (Nov 2007) states only approx 20% of women can reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I try very hard to research all stats before sharing them…

    6. J

      Thanks for responding, Shauna! I can verify that these people said such things, but not the studies from which they cite. For instance, an MSNBC interview with Dr. Pinsky has him giving that very statistic, but he doesn’t cite a source and I can’t find it on his website. I’m just asking HOW we get these statistics. Because sadly, some statistics are passed around and around and turn out to be untrue. I recently discovered one that I’d thought was true (that women talk a certain number of words per day, and men talk a lot less), and it’s not true; it was a presumed statistic passed around by well-meaning people without confirmation of the original source. I’m not saying that these reputable people are lying; by no means! I just wonder where they get these numbers from.

  3. Anonymous

    For us it has been helpful as my husband gets older and has been having trouble with his erections. A vibrator has been added to keep things hot! He seems to like it as much as I do…

  4. Anonymous

    I am the Husband of a wonderful Godly women, and a great mom to our Daughter. I in the past purchased several differant toys in hopes that it would put some spark back into our sex lives. Her Desire is just not there anymore.The toys she says feel good but have not helped in anyway. So i continue to pray to the Lord and ask him to do what only he can do in my Marrige. I am encouraged by this site and hearing stories from women who have had an awakeing in this area of there lives. I just hope her’s dont awake and mine diminish. She tell’s me she loves it, I try always to put her first and not leave her unfinished. But she is always to tired i am constantly pursuing. Starting to think she does not want to be pursued anymore.

    1. Alive in Christ

      Don’t give up. Some gals need conversation to (re)connect.

      Maybe a break would be nice. Give her a love note explaining what you are doing …. a Daddy/daughter date. Maybe even and getting dd ready for bed. So, Mommy can have sometime alone and get ready for you.

      I know I am often tired. I feel like I am on call 24/7, but I am a stay at home mom by choice. When my honey helps out, it is great. ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. Anonymous

      Don’t give up! Sometimes this happens to women. I do in home party demonstrations for adult romance enhancement products and base my presentations on relationships and faith. I have come in contact with so many women who have the issues you have confided your wife has! Know that YOU are not alone. Many factors come into play…stress, energy levels, hormones, etc. Good thing is there are products out there that can help. Pure Satisfaction is one of them. I use it daily now and my libido is BACK… I was your wife several months ago! Not anymore.I am a happy wife, with a happy husband. So don’t lose faith, keep up the prayer. Love her, support her and communicate with her! Change will come! Will be praying for you!

    3. J

      Thanks for the encouragement, Anon!

      One note for other readers: Pure Satisfaction is a Passion Parties product. I sometimes get a little uncomfortable with product testimonies in the comments because I don’t want my blog to promote something I’m not personally familiar with. But this was tastefully done. I just want you to know what this product is before you go typing “satisfaction” into your Google search. *smile*

  5. Anonymous

    Once the hormones began to fade as I became a woman of a certain age, it became nearly impossible for me to reach orgasm in what had been previously, very satisfying (toyless) ways. Without some assistance we would have become “old people who never have sex.” The aids have helped us discover new ways to enjoy each other in what continues to be a rich and satisfying sex life.

    We do purchase from places that cater to the Christian couple, or amazon so we avoid some of the draw backs of stores that you mentioned. And no one at my house even blinks when yet another amazon box arrives!

    1. Shauna

      I love your candor here! Thank you for sharing. I cater to women in a private/personal/confidental manner because I dispise the coldness of a “sex store.” How dirty I feel walking into one..even though I shouldn’t…at any rate, finding products that enhance a relationship, in my opinion, is great. Especially the older we get!!!! I personally use a product that stimulates libido for women (much like viagra for women) but in the form of a topical gel. I love it and it has changed my life since menopause!!!

  6. Sara with an H

    We have a couple of sex toys that we have used in the past, and we do use them every now and then (usually when I’m on my period or when pregnant sex becomes uncomfortable), but its not something we use every time. Like you, J, I enjoy the feeling of my husband and have been lucky to have a generous husband who always takes me to completion first before finishing up himself. We both also understand how using a toy all the time could hurt our normal sex life when we’re not using them. So we’ll use them for a little bit during the encounter, and then finish up on our own. We do have this one toy that we both enjoy quite a bit. It’s an egg, but its got a loose fitting ring attached that goes around him. It hits the perfect spot for me, while vibrating him, and we still get to enjoy each other’s flesh. We really only use it when things start to get “boring” and “routine” but its definitely a fun one to use! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Anonymous

    There nice adds something alittle differnt. We dont use them as a replacement for the real thing. Sometimes they work to good over before it starts.

  8. Jennifer Schwickerath

    I so agree with you as to why I don’t use them. I am cheap and don’t want to spend the $$$$ and I love my husband’s skin on mine. I have never used condoms for similar reasons, that and I heard they ruin the moment. I like what you said about not supporting the stores that sell porn. That is such a good point and one that I think needed to be made.
    Good article and thank you for sharing–be blessed:)

  9. Anonymous

    I don’t really have a problem with them, although I only have a bullet. Even that we don’t use often. I’m not totally turned off to the idea but it makes my husband uncomfortable, and I never want him to feel like he can’t get the job done. Either way, we are both satisfied and of he changes his mind in the future, that’s fine with me. If not, fine with me ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Larry B

    Agree whole heartedly with your points. Natural (without toys)is better, but I do sympathize with those spouses who need extra stimulation for various reasons. To answer your question, if these “toys” are used as a substitute or short cut for natural loving physical contact, then I think they detract from marital intimacy.

    My suggestion for married couples is to be more creative and spontaneous in what you do with your touching and caressing, etc. before you opt to bring sex toys into the bedroom. Experiment playfully with different positions and techniques (in both intercourse and during oral play) to experience different and exciting sensations. Talk with each other on this. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you can do for each other with, as J said, “skin-to-skin” contact. Natural lovemaking, sans toys, can be very hot! (Your point about condoms is right on target, J. These do greatly reduce the sensations and the specialness and the beauty of intercourse for both spouses. In that sense, they are an unnatural barrier to spousal physical intimacy.)

  11. Anonymous

    My husband bought me a vibrator because I have a higher drive than him. Used it a few times, but there’s nothing like the feeling of him. His skin, his hands, etc. I would rather go without sex than use the vibrator. It might be a different if he wanted to incorporate it but he wanted me to go solo.

  12. Amanda

    My husband and I use a vibrator especially for times when I am not able to have intercourse (usually because of health issues). When we use it my husband helps with G-spot stimulation. He loves it! We aren’t opposed to trying other items in the bedroom but my husband and I don’t really see the need for it. Like you, we are quite satisfied with our sex life. Thanks for addressing this topic.

  13. Anonymous

    My hubs and I have always enjoyed a very stimulating sex life…we’re blessed to be very compatable in that area of our marriage! We’ve used handcuffs occasionally and feathers…however, as I reached a certain age, I found that a little more stimulation was needed/helpful in achieving that fulfillment I’d always enjoyed. So, the hubs bought a kit and made me a vibrator shaped from him. He basically made a mold of himself and then inserted a vibrator. So, I have a toy that is quite literally exactly like him with just a helpful little kick when I need it! ๐Ÿ™‚ He enjoys that he’s still pleasuring me and I enjoy that it still feels familiar. Enjoyed the post as usual!

  14. Anonymous

    I always wonder why so many christians who rightfully shudder at the thought of a man using porn or picturing someone else to get their engine going are okay with her using something else to get her engine going…Most women don’t look like that and most men aren’t that big nor coming vibrating varities.

    I’m not saying I’m against it but there sure seems to some confusion in my mind on this one.

  15. Alecia

    I so agree J. Especially regarding the idea of “the lack of flesh.” I can’t wrap my brain around using something that is in theory replacing my husband…who is right there. I have no moral or emotional dilemma with using these products either and completely understand that many people may need to for a variety of reasons and I may be in that camp someday but for right now, while all body parts are working, I prefer the real thing.

  16. Anonymous

    I think, much like alcohol, sex toys are a scruple. In the right hands, they can be enjoyed responsibly (e.g. couples with one or more disabilities); but it’s a case of “handle with care” because–besides the lack of focus you mentioned–there’s always the potential for dependency/addiction to achieve sexual pleasure.

    The crass naming of so many sex toys = reflection of the porn mindset that manufactures them. They aren’t concerned about nurturing intimacy; just sales.

  17. Paul Byerly

    J – So your bottom line is “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it?” Sounds good to me! Thank you for being open to the idea that for some “sex toys” help with something that is not working as it should.

  18. Anonymous

    As our sex life became a problem, because of my LD, my husband grasped at straws to turn things around. He brought home a small “bullet” type vibrator. Nothing shaped like the real thing, just a small personal massage type device to stimulate me. Well, I obliged him in using it although I wasn’t all that interested and unfortunately after a few years, I struggle to not use it. It is always a part of our routine. I hope to be able to wean off of it gradually. Things have really turned around for us lately, with a lot of hard work from both of us, and I find myself wanting/enjoying sex more and more…thanks to this blog and others like it. I hope to one day leave the ‘helper’ in the drawer for good ๐Ÿ™‚

    On the other hand, just recently we have added a “lasso” type device for my husband. It helps with his ED and it gives him back some of the confidence he stuggled with for so long after admitting his health issues to me. It doesn’t interfere in any way, and stays on the outside, it just helps his erections to stay ‘up’ longer. In my opinion it is less of a ‘toy’ and more of a medical aid ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. J

      Thanks for sharing. And I just have to say that “lasso” is not such a bad name for a sex toy. I mean, really, how many guys wanted to own a lasso as a young boy? ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. Anonymous

      Yes…ha ha…sometimes he jokes that it’s time to “cowboy up”. It is nice that we both know what is going on now and can approach it with a sense of lighthearted fun to take some of the stress/embarrassment out of the situation.

  19. Anonymous

    The Hitachi magic wand is a normal massager that is awesome! My husband has even used it on his back. you should read the amazon reviews. They’re hilarious! I like to mix it up.

  20. Angel Morris

    I’ve been happily married to the only man I have kissed for more than two decades and homeschool a large family. I started selling sex toys in a home party business for all of the reasons the women have listed above. I minister to women at every party I do helping them understand that we are all different and that they are “normal”. Some are lucky and can have orgasm alone and some are lucky and get to have them with toy stimulation. Thank God we live in a time that that is an option and we do not have to miss out on the amazing gift He gave us. I highly recommend finding a tasteful home party business woman and hosting a party. There is so much that they can offer you as far as education with sex toys AND with many other products that can help take the monotony out of monogamy without being pornographic in any way. After being married this long, I am still learning and loving the exploring in my sex life and my husband as well!

  21. Anonymous

    Thanks so much for this post! I’ve enjoyed others’ comments as well. We’ve been married seven years, neither was sexually active before marriage, and I have yet to totally reach orgasm. I’ve been wondering about sex toys, so maybe now’s the time to take the leap…

  22. Anonymous

    I had a good friend (who is not a believer) buy me a vibrator before I was married. I still have it, and have been married for over a month now. As a couple, we haven’t used it, and I’m not sure that we ever will. Vibrators seem so…self gratifying…and selfish. It reminds me of times when I was so lonely and living in a way that was not pleasing to God, and brings back memories that I’m asking God to help me forget, or for Him to at least allow to fade from my memory so they aren’t so sharp. I like being touched by my husband, I don’t need battery power any more. I just need him. He’s all I want. ๐Ÿ™‚

  23. Anonymous

    I, personally cringe at the idea of using sex toys. I heard of Christian couples using flesh lights and I admit I was appalled! Why would I want my husband to “waste” a good O on a fake vagina when mine is right there?! Same with a vibrator or dildo. The personal flesh to flesh is the absolute best. Nothing works like hubby’s flesh. Not even my own.

  24. Anonymous

    In my case, a vibrator is, unfortunately, not just an exciting extra, but a necessity. I am on Prozac for anxiety and depression, and its main side effect (for me, anyhow) is that it makes climaxing next to impossible. As the HD spouse in our marriage, I don’t mind the reduction in my desire for sex b/c it brings my drive more in line with my husband’s, but the lack of orgasms is really disheartening for both of us. I hesitate sometimes to use the vibrator b/c I don’t want to make my husband feel like he’s inadequate, but that’s 100% me; he is perfectly fine with my using it as often as I want b/c he is confident that the problem is the medicine, not some lack on his part.

  25. Sarah Brice

    My husband and I enjoy a great sex life as it is, and usually are pretty content to be “toyless”, however I will say that as long as couples agree on using toys and are very comfortable with one another (and open to communication), then I see no problem. We have used scarves for restraining and blindfolding, as well as some toys of the vibrating variety. These are to enhance things when they get less spicy. Couples that need to use aids for one reason or another should not be ashamed, but glad that they are still embracing healthy sexuality with their spouse at any age, time of life and season. Usually though (for us), candles and music do the trick! While I in no ways want to support porn, we have on occasion been into a few more tasteful stores, and it can be kind of a fun date as long as you keep your sense of humor about you.

  26. Cherishing My Days

    Never used a toy, never wanted to. All your reasons are good, J. The ones that speak most to me are the replacements of my husband’s skin with something battery powered, and, because I’m a bit of an activist, supporting a place that sells porn. Eww. Totally against what we believe we should be doing with our money. The money my husband brings home is ultimately from God. I can’t imagine bringing His money into a place like that.
    But hey, after 16 years and 7 kids, my husband and I are still hot for each other. So as far as the toys themselves, what happens in peoples’ bedrooms is between them and God. We don’t need or want them, and I think they can cause problems, but that really is for evey couple to decide.

  27. Anonymous

    To me, sex toys take away a very personal, skin-to-skin contact between a husband and wife. Think about how much your husbands confidence will plummet if you would rather be pleasured by a battery-operated penis, instead of your husbands very own penis. Or vice versa! How would you feel if your husband would rather be pleasured by a sex toy instead of you? I would think something was wrong with me if that were the case.

  28. Anonymous

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. It is one of the best that I have read forever. It’s written with fun, transparency and integrity. We definitely need more writers like you. (Smile).

  29. Anonymous

    Massage oil works way better then sex toys! I have never used sex toys but that’s my opinion.

  30. cakutay

    Sex toys have helped us keep sex comfortable and satisfying as we’ve gotten older. Between carpal tunnel problems and occasional ED, it’s nice to have something that can help me achieve an orgasm when my husband’s body just won’t cooperate. He is very much involved in the process and continues to hold me and touch me so I still get some good skin-on-skin contact. (Plus, it’s been kind of fun to spice things up and have new adventures in our middle age.)

  31. Single2Married

    J good write up here, I agree with all that you said, I have also pondered on the other comments, I have a problem with accepting toys as normal, I feel there are a lot of things that this century has changed and we have come to accept it as normal, my fear for a wife that uses a vibrator is for her husband, it means that this woman can still have a vibrant sex life without her husband, that means when she is angry or upset with him, she does not have to be pressured to make up, because a vibrator can do what he can do, this also goes for the men who use fake vagina too, am scared for this generation and the next to come, I believe, strongly believe that if we take our time to communicate and build intimacy on total openness, we might get better solutions to the many sexual problems we face, but then that’s just my opinion, I know that there are couples who face grave sexual challenges, my prayer for you is that you get a more natural couple bonding solution. I began to wonder at the story of Abraham and sarah in the bible, God made them a promise at their old age, I am sure the pregnancy was not like that of the virgin mary, so that means they were still having sex at that point in their life for sarah to eventually get pregnant. Many of us have done all kinds of sexual exploration before we get married, at the end of the day we need more. May God help us with our sexual issues.

  32. K.

    My husband and I don’t use sex toys, but we have found that the right lubricant can do wonders for helping to get each other aroused. The Astroglide line is really nice. We especially like the silicone version for outside play, but use the water-based version for penetration because the silicone irritates me internally after awhile if we use it too often that way. For hand jobs the silicone is amaaaaazing stuff. Wowee, it really makes things nice.

  33. K.

    Wanted to add that like a lot of you, my husband and I also prefer skin to skin contact over a plastic sex toy. And I don’t think I could ever bring myself to use the more real-looking/feeling dildos. Yikes. Too freaky. That crosses over the line for me.

  34. Anonymous

    Could you please recommend a lubricant that is available on-line.
    I live in the UK.
    Thank you.
    Katy

    1. J

      I’m not sure what’s available in the UK, but Amazon UK seems to have everything that Amazon US has. I would also assume that the UK has Christian sex toy/marital aid retailers.

      Astroglide, KY, and Wet are three popular personal lubricants. Astroglide is water-based, KY has a water-based option, and Platinum Wet is silicone-based (a little more slippery). Many of my readers have also suggested the more natural option of coconut oil, which can be found in health stores. There is also an organic personal lubricant called Sliquid that has online UK retailers listed on their site.

      Hope that helps!

  35. Anonymous

    My husband and I are young and have been married about a year and a half. We have never used a sex toy, but I have thought about it. I have a lot of difficulty having an orgasm, and when I do, it’s always clitoral. I’ve never had one any other way and I’m not sure it’s possible. Sex almost always feels good; I love the emotional connection and knowing it’s something we save just for each other. We have sex at least every other night, but I definitely think he gets more out of it physically than I do. When I do orgasm, it’s almost always because I use my hand to touch him and I touch myself while I’m down there. I have yet to find a position where I consistently orgasm just from sex. I don’t tell my husband that I have trouble reaching orgasm because I think he would have difficulty realizing it’s not his fault, and it would be a deep blow to his self esteem, and I really honestly do enjoy sex even when I don’t finish. He pays attention to sounds I make and how my body reacts, so I sometimes fake it just to make him feel better and get his attention of me so I can relax and stop trying to force an orgasm. I end up feeling like a failure that I can’t get to orgasm on a regular basis, and like I’m letting my husband down. I find myself anxious that if we do the same repetitive motion for as long as I would need to get off, that he would be bored and not really into it, and then I can’t concentrate on anything but the fact that he’s holding himself back and waiting on me. My husband is amazing and the pressure is coming from my own anxiety. I wish I knew how to just relax and let go, but even in sex I’m controlled and trying to please. I’ve wondered if a vibrator would help, but then I feel like I would be ignoring whatever issue is keeping me from be able to orgasm naturally.

    1. J

      I’ve been trying to get time to respond to this message for several hours now. (Some days are crazier than others!)

      Here’s my brief take on your situation:
      1. Don’t fake. It’s nice of you to want to do that, but it sets up issues later.
      2. Communicate. Tell him what you love, what you wish could be different, and talk about wanting to get there together. Most hubbies are very willing to “research” what works for you. Also, explain that you don’t have to orgasm every time. Many wives are content to have sex without it at times–the physical touch itself is so appealing. Paul Byerly of Generous Husband explained this to hubbies in a post once. If I have time to look it up later, I’ll reply again with the link.
      3. Relax. It sounds like you are very tense about having an orgasm, and it’s really hard to have an orgasm when you’re tense. So in that moment when you’re starting to worry, wonder, panic that it’s not happening, try to breathe easy and refocus. Practice deep breaths and return your mind to the physical sensations of your body over and over. You may or may not get there, but it’s easier to get there when you’re relaxed.
      4. Wait. You don’t sound eager to include a vibrator in your lovemaking. In fact, it seems like it’s not an enhancement option right now, but more of a I’ll-try-anything thought. Try some other options first. If you and your husband later decide to add a sex toy, you can certainly do so then.

      Hope my two cents helps! (And now, wife and mother duties call!)

  36. Anonymous

    I Take forever to have an orgasm, so we usually do me first and then have sex. If your husband is patient, he will love seeing the results and will not mind he time it takes for you. Because we have a large family and very little time, we usually get to me only about half the time, but like you, I enjoy sex anyway, and don’t HAVE to O every time. So maybe you can give yourself a break trying to perform for your hubby, and be able to relax if you let yourself off the hook to O only every other time or so, at least until you get it figured out. I understand, I really do.

  37. Anonymous

    How are we to know what is “allowed” or not in the bedroom? My husband & I have been searching & cannot seem to find the answer to this. We both love God & want to put him first in all things, & as i said to my hubby we dont want to go to hell for a little extra fun in bed!! We dont do much with toys exceptonce in a great while, but we do enjoy a little painful play & spanking. Everything that is done is agreed upon by both of us & is never humiliatingto either, i was also wonderingabout swear words in the marital bed…its all a little confusing to me & i want to make God happy above anything!!

    1. J

      There is no specific list from the Bible of things you can and cannot do in the marital bedroom. There are certainly commands against adultery, bestiality, and the like, but all the possibilities are not covered. Rather than looking for those things that are outlawed, the better approach is how your sex life honors one another and God. You can apply godly principles when deciding what is appropriate for sex in marriage.

      I would suggest reading Julie Sibert’s excellent article on Sexual Intimacy Variety. I have also written on what I believe is off limits in the marital bedroom with Uh, No. And since you mentioned language, I did a post on Talking Flirty vs. Talking Dirty.

      Ultimately, let Ephesians 5:29-33 and Hebrews 13:4 be your guide. The marriage bedroom should be filled with love and respect for one another.

    2. Anonymous

      This is interesting as I have enjoyed lovemaking and orgasm with my wife of over 30 years many wonderful times. I do not feel sex ix toys are wrong or perverted just really beside the point. The point is loving oneness not orgasm. Listen I know what a good orgasm feels like and know how to give them to her and we often have experienced simultaneous ones and that were very good. But there is something better and that is total oneness. This cannot be marketed by the porn, toy or any part of the sex industry. All you need is to understand is that the main thing about sex in NOT ORGASM but oneness. That feeling of being deeply and completely loved and desired by your spouse is the epitome of sexual and married love. It is sadly missing from many marriages and was from ours for too many years. Try just lying beside each other and whispering love while you caress each other and enjoy sex without orgasm as the goal. You can literally enjoy this for hours night after night or day after day as the case may be. In fact it feels so good that if you mess up and cum youโ€™ll be disappointed because then its basically over, at least for now. Some call it โ€œKarezzaโ€ and have all kinds of fanciful gibberish with it but I call it God centered oneness that gives and energizes and blesses. Many couples say it does not get better than this and would never trade it back in for orgasmic sex when they have learned it well. Just remember that the MAIN thing is to keep the MAIN thing the MAIN thing. Toys, positions, stuff all promise a lot but deliver little. Think about it and try it. You might like it.

    3. J

      I agree with your idea that oneness trumps orgasm. That’s the best “big O” we can achieve with our spouse!

      I have researched Karezza, though, and I don’t agree with some of its practices. I want to be upfront about that. I do not suggest Karezza as representing God’s design for sex in marriage.

      Thanks for commenting!

    4. Anonymous

      J Which ones are you referring too? What specifically is Gods design for sex in marriage? Its not that an orgasm is wrong it just worshipping that is so wrong. Right?

    5. J

      I agree with your general premise there. However, the creator of Karezza, Alice Stockham, advocated limiting or entirely avoiding ejaculation and orgasm to prolong the pleasure and caresses that proceed it.

      God’s gift of sex focused on closeness, procreation, and pleasurable satisfaction. He formed our bodies to desire that sexual release. I understand the idea of prolonging the pleasure before orgasm, but avoiding orgasm goes against how he made our bodies and created marital intimacy.

  38. Sharon

    There are some pretty ‘interesting’ aids around that’s for sure, some appear downright scary. There are some that can spice things up in the bedroom though. A little bullet can definitely give extra sensation if needed though and some toys can be useful to explore your body to work out more about what you like and don’t like. I think more and more toys out there are being designed to appeal to couples who are after an aid rather than a fetish kit. I love the new massage candles that melt at a lower temperature than wax and both enhance the romance with the candlelight and provide a lovely warm moisturizing lotion for a body massage.

  39. Anonymous

    I have been married now for nearly 4 months. Neither me nor my husband were sexually active before marriage. I also never used personal pleasure devices. When we got married, I had a very hard time being stimulated at all. We found out in about a month that most of that was due to the birth control pill. My body just didn’t react well to the hormones and I lost nearly all of my libedo. After going off the pill, we have found I can successfully be stimulated via my husbands touch, but not nearly enough to orgasm. Fortunately, I have an AMAZING husband who works so hard to pleasure me sexually. However, we cannot figure out how to fully do so without a vibrator. Neither of us have a problem with using it, but we both want to figure out how to get me to orgasm without it. My problem is that everyone is always so vague about tips. For instance, married women I respect say things like, “well have you tried things other than direct intercourse?” How are we supposed to know what to try? Ultimately, we are happy with our sex life and enjoy a deep emotional and spiritual intimacy. Praise God! We just don’t want to be dependent on the vibrator…

    1. J

      First off, congratulations, newlywed! ๐Ÿ™‚ Some wives have no issues with birth control pills, but plenty have discovered what you did–that it messes with their sex drive. Good for you for figuring that out…and for having a hubby so interested in giving you a satisfying sexual experience.

      And now on to orgasm without a vibrator. I have a few thoughts. One is that you can sort of train your brain and body to be aroused by certain things, and you may need to retrain yourself to go without the vibrator. Your husband won’t be able to produce that same sensation for you. But that’s okay, because…two, there’s a lot he can do to get you hummin’. Most wives need direct stimulation of the clitoris, usually moving from slow and soft to faster and harder, to achieve orgasm. While this can be achieved through intercourse, it’s easier for your husband to do so with his mouth or hand (read: tongue or fingers). You’ll also need to be fairly lubricated for this to feel good, which you can likely reach through kissing and touching or through use of a personal lubricant. And three, here’s a post I did on how to get to climax: If Only I Could O. There are some tips there for what you, wifey, can do. (By the way, some wives report being able to achieve orgasm a second time through intercourse if they first climax through manual or oral stimulation. It’s not true for every woman, but I thought it worth mentioning.)

      Hope that helps!

  40. kmann

    The Reason, why I like to use vibrators:

    ## Enhanced sexual performance.
    ## Decreased effort and cramping.
    ## Timing isnโ€™t an issue with vibrators.
    ## Good health.
    ## No partner, no problem!
    ## Long distance partner.

    1. J

      Some of your reasons don’t make sense to me. They’re about sexual pleasure more than sexual intimacy. Thanks for commenting!

  41. Anonymous

    Sex toys can either become substitutes for sex involving real intimate human contact or adjuncts to real intimacy. They can be, in the case of the latter, healthily used as extensions of yourself and your spouse as well as extensions to your usual sexual practices. Some of the positive replies to this article clearly support this view.

    It is only when technology gets used as a longer term, even permanent substitute for intimate physical and emotional contact that they are likely to create problems. Nevertheless spare charitables thought for the lonely, the indefinitely single and the widowed person.

  42. Anonymous

    I respect your opinion for sure. However, until you have been happily married to a wonderful man for 11.5 years yet never achieved orgasm in any way, shape or for except through toy use, you cannot understand fully the “need” for them. There are also wonderful ways to use male sleeves that allow for much more creative positioning without female pain or discomfort. Again, good for you on keeping toys out, but just because someone uses toys does not mean they aren’t as intimate and physical in the bedroom. It’s like telling the denture wearer that food doesn’t taste as good to them as it does to someone who still has their teeth– in some ways, the food may even be better for the denture wearer because they don’t have to worry about sensitive teeth anymore. Our toys enhance and add, they are not a substitute for anything.

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