Tag Archives: Christian sex resource

Q&A with J: “I Can’t Really Seem to Get Into Sex”

Today’s question is from a wife who’s struggling with her pleasure in the marriage bed:

Hi, I’m hoping you can give me some advice. My husband and I have been happily married for 11 years…I love him more than ever…the problem is I can’t really seem to get into sex. I know it’s important and we usually have sex twice a week but I don’t seemed to get turned on through it. I do orgasm most of the time but I just want to desire sex…I want to really want sex!!! I want to have the wet “horny” feeling but only very occasionally does happen. We do have 4 kids aged from 3-9 years so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. I’m kinda hoping one day this stage will pass and I’ll all of a sudden be back into sex? Anyway, any advice would be great!

Blog title + couple's feet in bed pointed away from each other

First off, yes, I think four children ages 3 to 9 years has something to do with it. Lots of wives report a decrease in their libido while their children are young, because that’s when we’re exhausted, distracted, and stressed. If you think that’s contributing, then check out my suggestions in When My Sex Life Sucked – Part 2.

But the libido and pleasure issues may run deeper, as they sometimes do for wives. I’ve talked recently about how in 15-30% of marriages wives are estimated to be the higher-drive spouse, but that still means that in 70-85% of marriages, he wants sex more than she does.

And many women have been sold the idea that they’re supposed to want sex like their husbands — with a burning need or intense desire to be experience sexual pleasure. They think the proper order of things is desire, arousal, sex, and then orgasm. But you know what? That’s not what the research shows. Rather, female sexual desire seems to kick in for many after the decision to engage and getting aroused.

Yet what concerns me is that you say, “we usually have sex twice a week but I don’t seemed to get turned on through it.” Yeah, your body should be more responsive to sexual sensations. That’s how God intended it to work.

So while I don’t want you to sweat not having that “horny” feeling before you start having sex, I do think you need to look into why you’re not enjoying the experience.

And for that, I’m actually going to turn you over to three trusted sources. Because while I’ve definitely addressed this topic (for instance, herehere, and here), these three ladies have gone above and beyond in reaching out to lower-desire wives. I believe they can help you get on track.

OysterBed7. Bonny Burns maintains the OysterBed7 blog where she says, “I blend science, scripture and stories of my own life to encourage and empower the low sex drive wife and her marriage. You write what you know and I know about low sex drive.”

Her honest, gentle approach is also biblically and practically based. While I suggest reading her blog, and listening to her on our joint podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, she has a specific resource you might want to check out: Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation.

The Forgiven Wife. Chris Taylor defines the mission of her blog as: “to encourage Christian wives as they work to grow in their approach to sexual intimacy in their marriages. After 20 years of restricting the sex life in my marriage, I have learned to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with my husband.”

I know you’re not restricting sex in your marriage, but Chris delves into reasons why a wife would feel disengaged in the bedroom and unable to experience full pleasure, and then she addresses them with practical suggestions. You can also hear Chris on our podcast.

Boost Your Libido Course. Sheila Gregoire recently launched a new product, and I had the pleasure of checking it out fully. Her Boost Your Libido course not only deals with a wife’s sex drive, but her pleasure in the bedroom. This course has 10 modules with videos of Sheila explaining the main points in a wife-to-wife chat format, along with a fact sheet, worksheet, brainstorming exercise, and additional resources.

Sheila deals with such issues as “What Is Libido?”, “Making Hormones Your Friend,” and yes, “When It Doesn’t Feel Good.” I’ve really enjoyed Sheila’s blog and resources over the years, but I found this course in particular to be a great approach for working through the issues of low libido and enjoyment of sexual intimacy.

You can view the videos in the privacy of your home, or perhaps with a friend or two so that you can discuss and support one another. (However, you should each pay for your own course, for ethical reasons and to get the additional materials you need to make progress.) She suggests taking your time through the homework, but it’s not hard to complete. You can easily see the big picture and how progress will be made by working on these modules.

And you know what? It’s $39. I know that’s more than a book, but $39 is a pair of shoes, one piano lesson for your child, a meal for two at a sit-down restaurant, and just 1/15th of an iPhone. Seriously, a total bargain. For more info, click on the pic below.

Let me assure you that I rarely do affiliate links. While looking into advertising some on my blog, I’ve been so reluctant to do so because I’m not willing to just throw products at my audience that I don’t entirely believe in. If I outright suggest something, I’ve viewed the entire resource myself and believe it’s a good deal for my audience.

So, while I write some about low libido, I know that it’s not my niche like it is for these three women I’ve mentioned. And I trust them to give you good advice. I encourage you to check out their resources.

Shall We Chat about Sex? A New Podcast for Wives!

If you read my free Christmas story, you might have noticed a mention on my dedication page about soon-to-be podcast partners. I kinda of jumped the gun on saying anything at all, because we weren’t quite ready to announce what’s happening.

But we’re ready now!

Sex Chat for Christian Wives Coming Soon!

Sex Chat for Christian Wives: The Naked Truth is launching on Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2017. This weekly group podcast will offer a biblical perspective of sex in marriage, thoughts on improving your intimacy, and practical tips for your marriage bed.

You’ll also get a behind-the-scenes look at how we crack each other up. While some topics are rather serious, other times we have a lot of fun with our subject matter!

While listeners only hear the audio, we quickly learned that we wanted to do a video call so we could see one another and better gauge when to speak. Plus, it feels more like a true chat when we can see each other’s faces. Here’s a screenshot from the last episode we recorded!

Podcast Screenshot with All Four Hostesses

Now that you also see our faces, let me tell you a bit about each of us and why this foursome will make for great content you’ll want to listen to.

Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife writes from her personal story and primarily for lower-drive wives. Her approach generally deals with attitudes and relational factors that prevent you from engaging fully in the marriage bed.

Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy writes about more than sex, including helpful tips for your household and your health. Her angle of calmer and healthier living gives her a unique perspective on these factors that affect our sexuality.

Bonny Burns of OysterBed7 also writes for lower-drive wives, but she often addresses the physiological challenges many wives face, as well as the attitudes. She’s wonderful at breaking down difficult medical and scientific studies into useful information for our sex lives.

J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous is me! I have my own personal testimony and a longing to be frank about sexual intimacy in marriage — the good, the bad, and the beautiful. Thus, my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, gives some rather candid how-tos.

Foundationally, we four agree about God’s gift of sexuality for our marriages and the need to resolve outstanding issues and enjoy the experience. But when it comes to the how of nurturing sexual intimacy, we each bring something different to the table.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” I don’t exactly what this means for two times two, but we know that together we four ladies are stronger than any of us would be alone.

And because we come from different places, this single resource can help Christian wives coming from different places regarding sex.

This single resource can help Christian wives coming from different places regarding sex. Click To Tweet

So what should you do to tune in?

Check out our websiteSex Chat for Christian Wives. You can subscribe to our RSS feed or check out other places to find us like iTunes and Stitcher.

Follow us on social media: Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube. (We’re still learning how we’ll use those last two sites). We’ll post when new episodes have gone up and share other useful content.

Spread the word: Tell others to check out our page or follow our website and/or social media. Word of mouth remains one of the best ways for marriage authors, speakers, podcasters, and ministers to find new listeners for our important message about godly sex in marriage.

Ask a question: In some episodes, we’ll answer reader questions, so if you have something you want to ask four wives who write about Christian sex, this is your chance! Also, if you sent me a question and I haven’t answered, you can resend the question or tag me to move your query to the podcast pile. I still can’t guarantee if/when we can answer, but my personal queue is about 40 unanswered questions, so you can see that — as much as I truly care — I simply can’t get to every one of them on the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog.

Check out what my fellow podcasters have to say: My three partners have all written about this podcast today as well. Be sure to check out their posts:

Calm.Healthy.Sexy.

Oyster Bed 7

The Forgiven Wife

Pray for us: New endeavors are always wrought with stress, but we are devoted to reaching out through this group podcast. We’d love your prayers that everyone stays in good health, that technology cooperates (mostly) with our needs, that our own marriages remain strong, and that Sex Chat for Christian Wives reaches those women who need to hear our content.

Mark your calendar for February 14, and join us as we look forward to launching this new resource for wives!

Gobble Up the Good Lovin’: BOOK LAUNCH

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday: a time with family and/or friends, good food on the table, and a heart full of gratitude for God’s blessings.

I hope that one of the things you’re grateful for today is the gift of sex in marriage, created and wrapped up by our Heavenly Father. But wives, if it’s not currently on your gratitude list or if you’d like to find even more to be grateful for, I write for you. My blog is a celebration of God’s gift of intimacy in marriage and an instruction manual for enjoying it. I am personally so thankful for what God has done in my own life regarding marital intimacy that I want every single wife to experience the fullness of that gift.

I want every wife to gobble up the good lovin’  in her marriage!

Female Wild Turkeys...looking for good' lovin!

Female Wild Turkeys…looking for good lovin’!
by D. Gordon E. Robertson (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons

So why not make this, my favorite holiday and a day for gratitude, the day I launch my very first book? Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Wives is a collection of how-to posts and more from my blog, compiled by topic and freshly edited. It includes illustrations from the talented Matt Baxter, whom some of you may know as husband of Erin Baxter of the Mystery 32 marriage blog.

Here’s the blurb:

How’s your sex savvy?

Book cover for Sex SavvyDo you want to be a hottie in the bedroom without sacrificing holiness? Would you like someone to share real-life tips on making the most of God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage?

Put back the secular sources you flipped through in the bookstore, and pick up this biblically grounded handbook: Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. Author J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous gives candid advice for wives on everything from kissing to oral sex to orgasm to sexual positions—all from a Christian perspective.

Whether you’re a new bride finding her way around that king-sized mattress or an experienced wife who wants that mattress to sing, this book can boost your sex savvy and improve your marital intimacy.

The ebook is out TODAY and costs $4.99. The book will also be available in print in the near future. You can get your ebook copy — and copies for any other wife you know — from the following retailers:

Amazon: Kindle

Barnes & Noble: Nook

Smashwords (several formats available)

Happy Thanksgiving!

And blessings to you and your marriage!