Tag Archives: fellatio

Q&A with J: Should You Just Swallow Already?

Today’s reader question is about giving oral sex to your husband:

Could you please send links to articles that specifically address wives who are averse to “finishing” when we give oral sex to our husbands. … his desire for me to do this comes up periodically and he has been very kind and patient about my aversion. I know it is a mental hangup and you have addressed the gag reflex, but [it] still seems repulsive, even though I love everything else about my husband’s body. Am I just selfish? He is so undemanding in every aspect of our marriage, so the fact that he still brings it up means it is a strong wish. I have managed a couple of times over the years, but I had to hide how unpleasant it was to me. And he stresses that he wants me to enjoy it, or we don’t do it. (He asked me to ask you.)

Blog post title + illustrated women's mouth, biting her lip

Hmmm. I actually had an aversion myself to the word finishing. Using that word makes it sound like if you don’t swallow your husband’s ejaculate, he didn’t get to finish. But I presume he did, somehow or other. Oral sex without swallowing isn’t unfinished business.

That said, I know many husbands desire that their wives take their ejaculate into their mouths and even swallow. I’ve encouraged men who write me about this to make the request but let it go if she simply can’t stomach the idea. Having a great sex life in marriage doesn’t mean that your partner performs every sexual activity you desire. There should be mutuality in the marriage bed.

But the query is from a wife, at the request of her husband, so I’m going to address that side of the equation. And I do believe that a number of wives adverse to the idea could learn to accept semen into their mouth and even swallow, at least on occasion.

Let’s just address this question first: Is it hygienic? Yes, it’s perfectly fine to swallow semen. It even contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose, all of which you ingest in food. One study oddly showed that semen has antidepressant qualities, so there might even be a health benefit. The only caveat here is if he has a sexually transmitted disease, but then it’s not the semen that’s the problem, but rather contact with any outbreak on the skin. Otherwise, it’s totally fine.

What about the taste? It tends to be a bit salty, but can taste sweet — depending on what your husband eats and his specific taste. If you don’t like the taste of his semen, he can do several things to improve its flavor: wash thoroughly in the area beforehand, avoid smoking, incorporate more fruit and/or fruit juices into his diet, cut down on red meat and dairy consumption, drink plenty of water. You could also add a flavored personal lubricant to the experience, to sweeten the overall taste.

How about the texture? Some people have fewer issues with taste than texture. Semen is about the consistency of a beaten egg, so it’s a thick liquid that may not appeal to some wives. If this is the sole issue, then letting your husband ejaculate in the back of your mouth, closer to your throat, will keep you from dealing with the texture much, if at all.

How do you address the gag reflex? If you have a strong gag reflex, then you need to consider how to make fellatio work well for you. First things first: You don’t have to swallow him; that is, put his whole penis into your mouth or “deep-throat.” His sensitivity is mainly in the head of the penis, and you can concentrate there and stroke his shaft to provide additional pressure and pleasure. (See also What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think).) Also, consider changing positions to find a comfortable angle for your mouth and throat.

If it’s the ejaculate itself causing you to gag, you can try a couple of things: (1) Train yourself ahead of time by putting your finger toward your throat until you feel a reaction, then breathe and relax through the sensation. Repeating this practice can help you overcome a gag reflex. (2) When you feel yourself starting to gag, tuck your left thumb into your left hand, as if making a first, and squeeze your thumb. I don’t know if this works, but I saw so many articles and testimonies online about this working, it seemed worth mentioning. If someone else has tried this, let us know in the comments.

What about the mental block? You might logically get over all these issues, but in the moment, some little part of your brain yells, Oh my gosh, that’s man-juice in my mouth. Yuck! Hey, we’re biologically and culturally primed to avoid ingesting things that are bad for us or even weird. So it’s understandable that you might have a negative visceral reaction to the idea of semen in there.

Honestly, getting over that is like getting over anything else you want to do but have an initial aversion to doing. You have to re-frame how you think about it, reminding yourself constantly that this is okay and even good; then take baby steps toward changing your behavior; and reward yourself for progress you make. It takes time and intentionality, but there really isn’t another magical formula. You can most likely break through the mental block, but only if you want to and if you adopt actions that help you shift your thinking about this practice.

Are you selfish for not wanting to? It doesn’t sound like you are, because (1) you’ve actually tried and (2) y’all seem to have great sexual intimacy otherwise. You’re not looking at your husband and telling him you don’t want sex to be pleasurable for him; rather, you’re wanting it to be mutually pleasurable and this particular area just happens to be unpleasant. Even if a sexual activity is entirely permissible and good in marriage, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sexual intercourse is the only activity commanded in the Bible, even though we have the freedom to do much more.

Neither spouse gets to demand a specific sex act, and we should feel secure and confident enough in the marital bedroom to say something like, “I will happily do A, B, and C, but I’m just not comfortable with X.” At the end of the day, you may decide you flat-out don’t want to do this. And really, you and your husband can have a great sex life without it.

But since it’s important to him, and he has not demanded it but rather requested, is there a way you can make it happen? I love that your husband said he wants you to give him fellatio all the way to ejaculation only if it can be enjoyable for you too. So the final question really is: How can you make this an enjoyable experience?

Many wives do enjoy giving a “blow job” and swallowing. How do they do it? Here are some final tips:

  • Think about fellatio positively. Shed the worry about your mouth touching that area of his body, because it’s also just skin — albeit rather erogenous skin.
  • Keep your mouth from being overwhelmed. Try different angles and actions to see what feels reasonably comfortable while still being arousing to him, and ask him to be gentle in his movements and let you have more control. Also, check out the chapter on oral sex in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design where I explain how to perform fellatio in a way that works for both of you.
  • Focus on the pleasure you’re providing. You know how awesome it feels when your husband concentrates on giving you incredible pleasure and even a mind-blowing orgasm? That’s how this feels to him, and you are making it happen. High-five yourself, girlfriend!
  • Anticipate when he’s coming. It can be a shock for him to suddenly gush into your mouth. If you can’t read his body signals, unlikely until you’ve done this a number of times, ask him to tell you when he’s about to ejaculate so you’ll know it’s coming.
  • Relax your mouth and throat. If you can anticipate, you can relax your mouth and throat even more in that moment. You might want to slow or stop your mouth motion and focus on your relaxation and his release.
  • Take control of where the ejaculate lands. If you have an issue with swallowing, try having him release closer to your throat so his fluid isn’t hanging around in your mouth for long. It’s just in, swallow, done. Literally takes seconds. Some wives would rather taste and savor semen, and they can shift their mouths accordingly. But get yourself into a position that works for you.
  • Clear out your mouth if you need to. If you feel the need, jump up when it’s over and go swish some mouthwash around in your mouth. Gurgle with it, so that your throat gets cleared too. Keep a drink, a breath mint, or gum nearby if you want to replace the taste lingering in your mouth.

Do you have to perform this act? No. But if it’s really important to your husband and you are willing to try, then take some time and effort and see if you can make it happen. A lot of wives who used to balk about swallowing learned how to enjoy it. You might too.

Still Nervous about Giving Him Oral? Yeah, I Get It.

Nervous woman with hands over mouthYou want me to put my mouth where?!!

That’s the gut response of many wives when they first contemplate giving oral sex. It seems natural to match up genitalia, but when it comes to your mouth, that’s a whole different story. Sure, you love his manhood and all, but you wonder: Is that allowed? Is it healthy? Is it sanitary? Is it biblical? Is it worth it?

Not every wife feels this way, but enough that I want to address the issue. Because if you’re still nervous about giving him oral? Yeah, I get it.

Let’s talk girlfriend-to-girlfriend and break down some wives’ concerns.

Is oral sex okay with God? There are plenty of fringe sexual practices out there, but oral sex doesn’t seem to be one. There is no biblical prohibition on oral sex and at least two possible references to oral sex in the Bible. One is man to woman, and the other is woman to man: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3). “Fruit” is a euphemism, of course.

Looking at God’s design of the body, there’s nothing inherently harmful about oral sex. Using lips and tongue on genitals is not far different from hands or fingers on genitals, and semen is not problematic to ingest. Indeed, one study even suggested it has antidepressant qualities. (Go figure.)

Of course, you must discern for yourself and live by your own conscience, but study what the Bible says. Most who have done so with an open mind and open heart believe oral sex is okay with God.

Is it hygienic? This is a big concern for many, especially since the penis is also used for peeing. It can seem unsanitary to put your mouth where urine has been. However, when a man ejaculates, a muscle contracts in the neck of the bladder preventing urine flow into the penis — meaning a man cannot shoot semen and urine at the same time.

Besides (not to be gross here), even if a minuscule amount of urine did enter your mouth by some off-chance, it’s still not bad for you. Urine is mostly waste-filtered water and, while you definitely don’t want to be ingesting much, a teeny bit isn’t harmful.

Still, you may feel it’s not all that sanitary. Or that his groin area can sweat during the day, making it less clean and inviting. If cleanliness is your concern, there’s a simple solution: Have him wash. Ask hubby to take a thorough shower before you begin or simply wash his genitals. You can even suggest a bath together, and do the washing yourself so you know that area is spic-and-span.

Oh, and hair. If that bothers you, plenty of husbands — believe it or not — “manscape.” Your husband might be willing to trim a bit, just like he’d trim a mustache or beard. It doesn’t hurt to ask. But getting his hair in your mouth is still the same as getting any of his other hair in your mouth (which has happened a time or two when I’m lying in bed, my husband rolls over, and suddenly his head of hair is in my face).

So yes, it’s hygienic. The notable exception is that sexually transmitted diseases and infections can be passed by oral-genital contact, so if that is an issue in your marriage, be aware.

Is it worth trying? In a recent survey from The Marriage Bed, 42% of husbands reported they would like to have oral sex much more often. I suspect that’s typical of many marriages, with men desiring their wives give oral sex a go or make it a regular practice. So the first thought is that your husband may think it well worth-trying. And certainly, we want to consider our spouse when it comes to the marriage bed.

However, the question remains whether you think it’s worth trying. If you don’t have moral or hygienic objections, what holds you back? It could be nervousness about what it will feel like, concern you won’t do it right, worry that you’ll gag, or fear of him expecting you to swallow. Let me take some of the pressure off, ladies: You don’t have to stick the whole thing in and swallow semen to give your husband oral sex. Oral sex can involve any contact of your mouth with his penis, meaning you can start slow. In fact, explain to your husband you’re willing to try, but you need to go slow and stay in control of how this goes.

Use your lips and tongue to tease the tip of his penis, or kiss or run your tongue along the shaft. Suck on the very top, putting his penis into your mouth only as far as you can while still breathing comfortably. Let him express what feels good to you, and be willing to adjust according to what he likes and what feels okay with your mouth. You may discover that the skin really isn’t that different from other parts of his body (except how soft it is) or that you’re also excited by how effectively your mouth arouses your husband.

You may enjoy it. If so, you can always do it more. If instead you feel awkward or uncomfortable, you can take break, breathe a little, then try again. Or you can suggest turning to another sexual activity to finish, like a hand job or intercourse. Trying a new sexual activity once doesn’t mean you have to do it again and again, but you might find out that, with an open mind and some practice, you like giving him oral sex — that it arouses you as well. So yeah, it could be worth trying.

What are your concerns about giving oral sex? Is anything else holding you back?

I address oral sex more fully in my book, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives.

How Important Is Technique?

I admit to being nervous about publishing my Oral Sex: How To post last Thursday, which you can read HERE. However, I was blown away by the number of comments I received. Some wrote to thank me for tackling this issue head on, others to offer tips, some to share their positive story of fun fellatio, and yet others to ask really good questions, which I tried my best to answer.

I have concluded that (A) we Christians are interested in better sexual technique to improve our marital intimacy, and (B) we don’t have many resources available for learning these things.

Although Cosmopolitan magazine sits on the magazine stand at the grocery store promising “10 Creative Ways to Please Your Man” or “The Newest and Best Sexual Techniques,” plenty of us are not looking for advice from secular sources to give us the low-down on these issues. Whenever I do pick up such a magazine, turn to the story, and start reading, the article seems to focus not on finding ways to increase intimacy in marriage but on the reader getting a temporary sexual high.

I’m actually not that big on technique. Given my promiscuous, premarital sexual history (which I regret — see A Letter to a Former Lover), I can honestly say that some guys knew what they were doing more than others. Yet among those, the best sexual experience was with the guy who was a virgin when we had sex (I was a “technical virgin”). We figured it out somehow.

And trumping that experience by about a thousand percent is the sexual intimacy I have with the man with whom I have taken marriage vows, built a home, raised children, weathered ups and downs, and learned every inch of one another’s bodies over the years.

Why?

Chalkboard w/SEX 101

By Andrzej 22, via Wikimedia Commons (blackboard image altered)

Because technique can be learned. Given the apparent desire for more such posts, I will be addressing other issues of technique in the next few months. However, setting the stage for good technique is far more important.

How’s your relationship? No matter how good a lover someone is, if you don’t have any other closeness with them, it won’t matter. It might be great sex, but it won’t be sexual intimacy. For most women in particular, you need to have trust, openness, communication, and attraction to get in the mood for sexual activity. The relationship you have with your lover is important.

How’s your attitude? If you don’t care about sexual intimacy in marriage or you have past issues clouding your ability to let go and enjoy God’s gift of sexuality, no technique tips are going to help. You must start with a willingness to seek out mutual pleasure and intimacy in the act of sex. Dealing with past hurts and misperceptions and adopting a godly perspective of sex will go a long way toward having the right attitude to engage with your spouse.

Where’s your focus? If you are just looking for a sexual high for yourself, you aren’t engaging in the intimacy God desires. Maybe you can give a great “blow job” or have a nice wave of orgasms all in row. However, the focus should be US, not simply me, in the bedroom. The purpose of doing it well is to increase the pleasure you experience together, which bonds you in those shared moments of ecstasy.

With this in mind, I wanted to share some of my favorite lines from the comments section of last week’s post. The post was basically about how to give a “blow job,” but check these out:

Danielle: it makes me feel sexy to turn my hubby on so much, and give him pleasure without expecting anything in return.

Anonymous: I LOVE to love my wife sexually. She’ll frequently ask during oral why I enjoy giving it. Isn’t it truly better to give than receive? YES!! I can’t explain it, I just love it. She is totally open to me and I am giving her incredible pleasure. I could do this several times a week – freely giving it away simply because it makes my love feel so very good.

Megan of Do Not Disturb Blog: While we are young we can learn exactly what gets our man going and this will help us with a lifetime of great lovemaking. I look forward to many years of a satisfying sex life and will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

Anonymous: We’ve been married 31 years and have always enjoyed a robust sex life (very blessed). . . . She is so sweet and understanding. . . . As far as swallowing, it’s no big deal. I don’t want her doing anything she’s uncomfortable with.

Anonymous: I spent time prior to “us time” . . . asking God to help me view this the way He intended it to be. . . . I asked God to open my mind and my heart to loving my husband in this way, and it helped a great deal that my husband never pushed me to do this.

All of these speak to making sexual technique a part of loving intimacy in marriage. That’s where the magic begins! That is why God designed sex to happen in marriage — a covenant relationship before God which can bring about personal growth, family building, and emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People come to mind. One of them is simply “First Things First,” meaning to make sure you properly prioritize. For heaven’s sake, let’s learn some great sexual techniques! However, all of that fabulous-lover knowledge must go toward building a complete sex life that fosters intimacy.

Get your groove on, for sure, but remember that God wrote the tune and it takes two-made-one to tango.

Oral Sex: How To

Here’s a glimpse at my internal conversation while preparing for this post:

Self 1: I should do a post on giving blow jobs.

Self 2: What are you going to say about blow jobs?

Self 1: You know, a how to.

Self 2: You’re going to describe how to give a blow job? Are you crazy!

Self 1: Some wives might want a little coaching.

Self 2: Are you actually going to call it a “blow job”?

Self 1: That’s what everyone calls it.

Self 2: How about “fellatio”?

Self 1: If I call it fellatio, no one will know what I’m talking about.

Self 2: How about “the thing that must not be named.”

Self 1: Isn’t that Voldemort from Harry Potter?

Self 2: Your brain is too distracted.

Self 1: Not when I’m giving a blow job. I’m really focused then.

Self 2: So that you don’t choke?

Self 1: Well, yeah. And because it’s kinda hot. You know, “his fruit is sweet to my taste,” from Song of Songs?

Self 2: So you’re actually going to talk about this in public?

Self 1: Um, maybe.

Self 2: Well, if you do, don’t take me down with you.

Self 1: “Take me down with you.” That’s funny.

Self 2: *rolls eyes*

Wonder Woman: "Oh No, you DIDN'T!"

Oh yes, I did.

I have indeed wondered for some time if there is a way to discuss this topic and give advice without getting way too private and graphic. I had the benefit of receiving some tips from a friend many years back, and they were quite helpful. I could have learned that on my own, with coaching from my husband, but it made trying oral sex with him a much better experience from the get-go.

I doubt that some wives have access to that kind of information. Moreover, sources that describe how to give a “blow job” usually do not have a Christian perspective and may use photography or graphic images. Perhaps some have learned how to from watching a porn film.

Here’s the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don’t need to try it to know I don’t need to try it.

The point is, some husbands would like their wives to “go down” on them. Some wives would be willing to give it a shot or want to try it again. Some of those wives feel that they don’t know what to do or how to do it. So here I go. I will give a short How To lesson on giving a blow job. Warning: If you do not want to read blatant advice about this topic, click away now.

Do you really blow? No. Please do not treat your husband’s opening like the end of a balloon and attempt to inflate it with your breath. I have no idea why it is called a blow job. There’s no blowing that I know of. A blow job is merely the slang term for a woman inserting a man’s penis into her mouth. What happens after that determines whether it is a good blow job or a lame one.

Male genitals illustration

How much of his penis do I put in my mouth? It can vary. You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband’s penis (see below). This isn’t about swallowing your husband. It’s about providing oral stimulation to his sensitive genital area. While providing oral stimulation, you will need to breathe mostly through your nose.

What do I do with my mouth? We’ve established that you don’t blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation. These can be small licks around the ridge, head, and tip, or longer licks up and down the shaft of the penis to the head. With the penis inside your mouth, you can also pump your tongue a little to increase pressure. Sucking also increases the pressure, especially as you move your mouth up and down his penis. You can add add your hand to the mix; that is, simultaneously use your hand(s) to provide slight pressure and a different feel as your mouth works. This is going to sound super-weird, but for the first time out, imagine the head of the penis as an ice cream cone and the shaft as a fudgsicle. That might help a little.

Where does it feel best for him? The greatest concentration of nerve endings is in the head of a man’s penis. While stimulating the shaft also feels good, the ridge between the shaft and head, the head itself, and the tip are all more sensitive. Licking, sucking, and oral pressure in that area will likely feel particularly good. That said, you can’t just hang out there doing the same thing over and over. The best sex involves variation, and that goes for oral sex as well.

What is “deep-throating”? To deep throat during a blow job means to put the penis so far into your mouth that the head makes contact with your throat. The throat is a tighter space and can provide more pressure and friction. Here’s some advice if you want to give it a try: Open your throat and widen your mouth to an aperture larger than your husband’s penis so that you can continue to breathe around it. Also, don’t expect to stay in that position for long. You can throat the tip and then move back out. The motion may feel better to your husband anyway.

Should I spit or swallow? Some women do not want semen in their mouth, period — either because they do not want to waste the sperm (a principle in Catholicism, I believe) or because they are simply repulsed by the thought of this liquid in their mouth. If you are one of them, you need to make sure that you pull your mouth away well in advance. If your husband reaches the “point of no return,” he will begin ejaculation whether your mouth is there or not.

If you are willing to allow his ejaculate into your mouth, then you have to figure out what to do. First, you should know that swallowing semen is not in any way harmful to your body. Second, you might ask whether it would offend you if your husband gave you oral sex but made a big deal about disliking your lubrication. Third, if you don’t want to swallow, be polite about spitting. Have a cup handy on the night table or somewhere nearby, hold the liquid in your mouth, and then spit it into the cup. You can always go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and/or use mouthwash to clear out the taste. For those willing to swallow, the consistency and taste of semen can vary; its consistency is maybe like a beaten egg but it tastes sweet to salty. If you’re worried about your waistline, semen contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose and ranges between 5 to 25 calories — hardly a diet killer.

What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don’t like it? Will I have to do it again? There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it. That said, I suggest that you ask yourself what you didn’t enjoy about the experience. Did you dislike certain sensations? Did your jaw hurt? (It might.) Is the problem something that could be adjusted the next time around? If you genuinely do not want to engage in this activity in the future, tell your husband. Try not to say something like, “That was so yuck!” He may take it personally that you don’t want to make oral contact with his manhood. You can simply explain that you felt very uncomfortable and that you prefer other activities as part of your sex life. You might even suggest one. Perhaps you don’t want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.

How can my husband help to make this a positive experience? I would say the first caveat is that you should be allowed to remain in control of your mouth. That is, if you need to pull away and take a break, then he should understand that. In a moment of extreme pleasure, a man might want to hold his wife’s head and pull her mouth into him. This often isn’t a good idea; men are stronger than they sometimes realize, and this action can make it difficult for the woman to control the motions in such a way that she remains comfortable throughout. Another point is that husbands should communicate what feels good. He can either talk you through it or make happy noises when you’ve hit a really great spot. You can even talk ahead of time so that he can show you on his penis where his most pleasurable places are. You can discuss how it felt afterward so that you know what worked best and what he might like next time. Finally, he can affirm you. A constant for many women is that we like to be appreciated when we go out of our way to do something. Well, here’s an opportunity for a husband to say nice things about his wife for her willingness to focus the sexual experience on his pleasure. (Note: Some wives also get a lot of pleasure from giving blow jobs.)

For those of you who now need to want that image out of your heads, imagine this in your mouth instead:

chocolate cake

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

So as nervous as I am to now open the floor, what do you think? Are any of these tips helpful? Do you have any of your own? (Note: I do moderate comments. You may wish to read my Comments standards.) Do you like or dislike oral sex? Have you even tried it?

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

–Songs of Songs 2:3

Note: If your husband has a sexually-transmitted disease or you are worried he may have one, then you should not perform oral sex on him since STDs can spread with oral-genital contact.

Link: For a discussion on whether oral sex is okay in God’s eyes, see Intimacy in Marriage’s post on Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral Sex.