Don’t Touch Me: I’m Busy!

You finally started work on that big project you’ve been aching to accomplish. You’re in the middle of the best novel you’ve read in the last year and just reached the point where the detective is about to reveal the killer. You’re giving yourself a pedicure, complete with flowers and sparkly nail polish. You’re engrossed in a television show about housewives, celebrity wannabes, or a single person willing to date 20 people at a time to find a mate. You’re completely engaged in whatever you’re doing, and do not want to be distracted or thrown off by your honey approaching you with that look in his eye.

Really? Is this the only time he could suggest sex? you wonder. Can’t we do this later? Maybe you’re feeling generous and you toss the novel, having decided that your own climax is far more important than the book’s. Maybe you’re trying to figure out how you can oblige your hubby and still watch the TV show over his shoulder (Who will get the rose?). Maybe as he reaches over to stroke your arm and kiss your neck, instead you respond with irritation, “Don’t touch me, I’m busy.”

Let me share with you my guilty moment, which you might get a kick out of. A few times, I’ve been too busy writing a sex blog to go have sex with my husband! It hasn’t happened often, and I try to make up for it later. But when my love appears in the doorway and says, “Let’s go to bed,” and I stare at my screen, tap-tap on my keyboard, and respond lazily, “Be there in a minute,” what am I thinking? Well, I’m thinking that I’m too busy with my own stuff to engage in physical intimacy as a couple.

In our fast-paced world, we all get too busy at times, and intimacy with our spouse can suffer from being #14 on our to-do list after “clean out the fridge” and “look for a new hairdo.” So what’s the answer?

If you’ve been at HHH before, you know I’m a practical gal. I’m not going to gush about putting your honey at #1 every night no matter what! That isn’t realistic. Sometimes, your kid needs your help to finish his school assignment, and it doesn’t matter how badly your spouse wants some nooky, you must get this kid through elementary so he can go through the rest of school, move away from home, and you can finally have lots of nooky! Sometimes, you have a work project that you must present at an early morning meeting the next day, and your livelihood must trump your hubby’s lucky-hood.

In those instances, you have a few choices: (1) reschedule by telling your honey when a better time would be, make it sometime in the near future, and keep to your commitment; (2) shove the work aside for a few minutes and grab a quickie; (3) forgo some sleep or other typically necessary activities to get it all done.

More often, however, it is self-induced busy-ness that prevents us from engaging in physical intimacy in our marriages. We keep to a to-do list that we alone have concocted and don’t recognize that we are the only ones who care if we don’t vacuum under the couch for a few more days or if we scrapbook another five years into our family album. Our husbands would rather have us than an organized closet or embroidered pillows. We also do not need to sign up for each and every committee, service opportunity, task, and event at church. It’s okay now and then to say no at church so that you can have a pursue a healthy relationship with your husband at home.

Maybe you can relate to Sandra Boynton’s song Busy, Busy, Busy sung by Kevin Kline. (This is really just an excuse for me to share one of my favorite kid songs with you!)

We can also place our own personal recreation and relaxation ahead of the recreation that would bring us closer to our spouse. As a writer and voracious reader, I can assure you that you will never read every book you want to nor will you ever run out of things to read. You can put that book down, and the plot will wait for you while you engage in sexual intimacy with your beloved. You can record your favorite show or watch it online later. You can get the sports highlights from ESPN or the Internet. You can pause your MP3 player or movie and push play after you and your honey push each other’s happy buttons for a while.

Consider whether your busy-ness is a temporary fact of life, a self-inflicted problem, or an inability to prioritize. Address it accordingly.

We all have the same 24 hours. If you don’t make time for sexual intimacy in your marriage, you may lose other kinds of intimacy in your marriage. If you want to be busy, go get busy with your spouse in the bedroom!