Another Monday, another reader question. Today’s topic is introduced by an anonymous reader and involves sexy lingerie. Here’s his story:
J – My wife and I have been married for three years now. During that time I have given her various gifts of lingerie around holidays, birthdays, random days… I love it when my wife gets dressed up in anticipation of sex. To me, a very visual man, it’s her way of inviting me to be intimate with her, kind of my version of foreplay. Just like when I bring her flowers, prepare a romantic dinner date, spend time holding her and kissing the nape of her neck. When she gets “dressed up,” she’s telling me she’s interested in pleasing me (she knows I’m visual), wants to look her best and have me devour her with my eyes (because my eyes are only for her), she wants to seduce/pursue me (and I want to be seduced/pursued).
This last weekend I was gone on a men’s retreat. When I got home I was looking forward to reconnecting with my wife. As she went to take her shower I asked if she was going to put on anything special for the evening.
She got angry.
For the first time my wife revealed her thoughts on lingerie. She hates it. Wishes no one ever invented such things. She had a few reasons why: it’s uncomfortable at times, difficult to put on at times, she feels ridiculous in all that lace and silk. All of these seem like good reasons, and I think they can be remedied: buy things that fit better, are easier to don, things you actually like the look and feel of.
However, the most significant reason for her distaste, and the most troubling, is that she equates lingerie with the culture of porn, strippers, and unrealistic expectations of female beauty. She feels that by wearing such things she’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted beauty that plays in the fantasies of men.
To say the least, I was abashed. I had never viewed lingerie in that manner, and my wife had never mentioned it herself. I view it in much the same way as when a woman does her makeup, or puts on an evening gown for a night out. You’re accentuating your assets, revealing some but concealing enough, and putting your best foot forward.
So here are my questions: Am I completely wrong? Is my wife correct that lingerie comes from the world of pornography? Is my desire to see her get dressed up from some perverted male fantasy of what a woman should look like? Do many other women share the views of my wife? If I’m not out in left field, how do I address her concerns and still let her know that I feel loved when she puts on something pretty for a night in bed?
I’m not all that familiar with what’s worn in the pornographic world because the second I see any such images (stupid Google search), I click them off and let the images fall out of my ear. Because I can do that. However, I know that most men can’t.
Men are indeed visual, and this is something that women have sincere difficulty understanding. Yes, we get it logically, but really understanding what it’s like to be so automatically drawn to skin, genitalia, and sexiness is a little past most wives’ grasp. Plenty of women still tend to think of it as something you guys should be able to turn off and on at will. (I submit as evidence the scanty attire that many women wear without realizing its effect on men.)
Then when we do understand it, we worry a little. Did my husband notice that girl at the gym with clearly fake breasts and the tank top two sizes too small? Do his eyes linger too long at that model in the beer commercials? Can I walk by the Victoria’s Secret display at the mall with my husband beside me and still know he has eyes only for me? Does he want me to dress up like that floozy he saw in that porn magazine years ago? Does he only want me for my body . . . and not me?
And here’s something you men don’t easily get: We can have all those thoughts and many more in about twenty seconds. We aren’t inviting them; they just appear like your five o’clock shadow. Also, we aren’t trying to be self-deprecating or need extreme therapy for our low self-esteem. It’s actually pretty typical for wives to desire reassurance that they are both beautiful and far more than simply their looks.
Yes, this is why a compass, encyclopedia, degree program, and a trip to the top of the mountain to see some guru — all designed to teach you the ins and outs of women — would still never result in mastery. We are a labyrinth of loveliness . . . but what else is so worth exploring?
So here’s a general tip for men on any conflict in marriage: When your wife reacts negatively in a way that surprises you and seems to come out of nowhere, dig. Dig deep. You have hit a sensitive area, and you need to figure out what’s down under that surface or at the center of that maze.
Why does dressing in any kind of lingerie make your wife feel ridiculous or merely like a male fantasy? Do you or have you had an issue with porn? If so, that needs to be dealt with because we wives absolutely do not want to feel like stand-ins for your fantasy girl. And yes, that’s how it feels to us when our guy uses porn and then wants to engage sexually with us. Does your wife have a family or personal background that causes her to link lingerie and strippers or porn? Does she feel neglected by you in other ways and only interesting to you when she’s “dressed up to please”? Does she need reassurance about how beautiful her body is because she’s become so aware that it doesn’t conform to unrealistic societal standards, or the way she used to look?
What visceral chord does this topic strike in her? If there is a deeper issue, that needs to be dealt with first.
However, I do not believe that lingerie = perversion. Yes, there are some outfits and costumes that I consider a bit extreme. For instance, if hubby insists that his wife dress as the Catholic schoolgirl or Catwoman, I think you may have crossed a line.
And it is completely legitimate for a wife to say, “I don’t want to wear that [lace/silk/leather/ saran wrap] because it’s uncomfortable.” More than you want to know . . . but I personally don’t think I could wear a thong longer than it takes me to sing “I’m a Little Teapot” (which would kill the mood, right?). That’s on my No-Go List. Other women are quite happy to wear thongs day in and day out but would never wear a teddy or a push-up bra or whatever. There are personal preferences, and the wife should have some say in what she wears, even if the attire is supposed to be visually pleasing to her husband.
That said, no husband — hear me on this, wives — NO husband wants his wife to come to bed night after night in a long flannel gown or a ratty old t-shirt and pajama pants. You might as well post a NO ENTRY sign on your body.
So where’s the happy medium? It’s wonderful if couples can shop together. A husband can give input on what he’d love to see his wife wear, and the wife can look for lingerie she would feel comfortable wearing. You can probably find items that match both goals. The world of lingerie is so vast that it’s now possible to find feminine, flirty, cotton or silk items that flatter a gal’s figure but are still comfortable.
I am lover of pretty and comfort, and my own lingerie collection reflects that. However, my husband (whom I fondly refer to as Spock here) goes from Vulcan to Ferengi when it comes to this topic: He most enjoys his wife showing up in the bedroom buck naked. (Or do you say “butt naked”? I’ve heard it both ways.)
I’m not sure a wife can go wrong with showing up naked or merely wrapping herself in a sheet or a ribbon.
While I suggest finding out what the deeper issue is with this particular wife, and while I encourage couples to find bedroom attire that pleases both spouses, I will end with this thought: You can’t control your spouse. You can’t make your wife wear some sexy teddy any more than I can convince my husband to finally (please, honey) get rid of that hideous multicolored sweater that he pulls out every winter with a loopy grin on his face.
You all know what I’m talking about. Your spouse will wear or do something that irritates you, and while you can and should express your feelings about it, you can’t make them change. That’s not your job.
Your job instead is to see the beauty that is in your husband or wife — whether your spouse is dressed in beautiful black silk-and-lace or the ugliest sweater you’ve ever laid eyes on.
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.”
Song of Songs 4:7
A related read for the wives: Nightie or Nudie?
It never occurred to me that lingerie could be viewed by some people as taken from the porn industry. I don’t think that is the case. Women have worn fancy and revealing things for their husbands for thousands of years. I think the porn industry has taken what rightfully belongs between a husband and wife and corrupted it. That goes for sex itself and for many of the other things like lingerie. You see, there’s a reason the porn industry uses lingerie. They do it because men like it. Men love the idea of a woman dressing up in sexy and feminine clothing just to turn them on. The porn industry plays to that. But we Christians should realize that the desire of a husband to see his wife’s body and to have her display for his enjoyment is one of God’s gifts for marriage. The porn industry uses that, but it’s not wrong in itself. It’s a beautiful gift that a woman can give her husband. It’s just wrong when taken outside the commitment of marriage and displayed for all the world to see.
My husband loves it when I put on lingerie. Part of it is because he likes the view. But a significant part of it is that he wants me to want him and invite him sexually. When I put on something sexy, I am inviting him to enjoy my body and I am showing him that I want to please him. He finds that at least as attractive as the actual sight of me in something skimpy.
Satan doesn’t create anything; He just takes what God made and twists it until it’s completely wrong and almost unrecognizable. So I agree that porn has taken some okay things and made them seem awful. Sad.
Thanks for your thoughts.
My husband prefers me nude as well. He never understood why I spent so much money on lingerie when he just wanted to take it off! Now, I tend to go for pretty, feminine, cute, and soft lingerie, just to walk around the house in sometimes or to wear under my clothes, because he does NOT like the stuff that’s meant to be “sexy” – which is fine by me because that stuff isn’t as comfortable. But I also spend a lot of time OUT of lingerie, since that’s what my guy prefers!
I don’t like the whole fantasy lingerie idea, with things like (as you said) Catholic school girl outfits, or nurse outfits, etc. I think a lot of that is based in porn. And I think the lingerie a woman wears should be a reflection of who she is, to enhance and project her personality, her heart, her spirit, her own sexuality – not something that’s just supposed to be sexy because that’s what the lingerie and porn models wear. Clothing is a form of artistic expression, so the clothes a woman wears should reflect who she is – lingerie included.
Oh. You hit so many good points here. Definitely inside my head!
Maybe it’s not even something super deep – He says that he buys the lingerie for her for/around major gift-giving times. I’ve never personally understood the dynamic of men buying women sexy lingerie for gifts. Overall, these things are worn for the man – yes, yes, we can feel sexy in them and there are some women who wear it just for how it feels – but really, I think the sexy lingerie is really for the man. If my hubby bought something for me (especially often), I would really start feeling like I wasn’t enough. So here I am expecting some nice gift from my man and instead he gives me something for himself? No thanks. So in our marriage I buy the lingerie (plus, he finds it a lot easier to protect his eyes when he doesn’t have to go to the lingerie shop or section of a department store). I recently bought him a Leatherman knife/multi-tool wrapped up in some new lingerie for him. And then I put it on (the lingerie, not the knife – though if I had had a garter I might’ve done both!). The point is – my “deeper” problem would be feeling like I wasn’t valued for me.
Overall, these things are worn for the man – yes, yes, we can feel sexy in them and there are some women who wear it just for how it feels – but really, I think the sexy lingerie is really for the man
Ha! I once heard of a man who went into Victoria’s Secret, and asked the clerk, “Do you have anything for men?” The clerk responded, “Sir, everything here is for men.”
I love lingerie for me, personally. It makes me feel feminine, it makes me feel sexy. I’ve always loved pretty things, and I’ve always been a true girly girl, but I can’t always wear girly, lacy, silky, or perhaps even sparkly clothes – so I wear girly, lacy, silky, or sparkly lingerie under my clothes. My husband likes to see me in the lingerie, but he prefers me naked, so it really is mostly for me.
I learned very early that the lingerie was more for me than my wife so I stopped giving it to her and instead used money, gift cards, etc that were given to me from holidays to buy it. If relatives and friends only knew what their gift money went to!!!! LOL!
My own dad’s joke — “well, how does it look thrown over a chair?” I got a slew of lingerie from an engagement party, and every now now and then I dress up to only get out of it within minutes. So, I rarely wear any of it as it doesn’t seem worth it.
That said, I think you hit the nail on the head to dig deeper. I find that when something bothers me, I just got to think on it long and hard because its likely there is much more to it.
And, no, I don’t think lingerie as a category is a porn thing. Sure they use it, but I suspect that there are tables and chairs and carpet involved as well. Pron taints so much. Yeah, some lingerie is scanky (like its been tainted…) but there is some nice stuff too. I think that ‘back when’ lingerie just meant the various bits of clothing a woman wore underneath clothes or in the privacy of her own room (nightgowns and such).
Personally I am completely shocked that a woman would equate lingerie with the porn industry, but then, I’m not familiar with her personal or religious background. My mom thinks anything shinier than a cotton nightgown is slutty, but I’m all about the lace, sheen, sequins, feathers, bows & straps. It’s about making sex into something more than just something that two animals do. It’s special, it deserves my attention.
Secondly, what in the world does she think girls of old were filling their hope chests with? Besides doilies and sheets, I’m sure there were some sexy ditties thrown in there. It’s absolutely natural for a woman to want to look beautiful for her husband.
Thirdly, it is usually sexual perversion in my experience that leads to a woman find sex or lingerie “dirty”…whether she was perverted too far to the right by religion, or to far to the left by sin or abuse.
Just my two cents… 🙂
I think it’s about the message that the lingerie sends.
The message wearing it sends to most men is “I want you, and I want you to want me”. Unfortunately the message women take from being given lingerie is not as constant. If, for example, a woman thinks “Only sluts wear that stuff” then her husband giving her lingerie is his calling her a slut.
Giving your wife lingerie is telling her you think she is, or should be, the kind of woman who would wear such things. What you need to know is what kind of a woman that is in HER mind.
I really liked what you said about digging deeper! It’s so important to find the root of the problem.
I’m not a big lingerie wearer, it just comes off, but we recently went shopping and my hubby helped me pick out some new underwear. Nothing crazy, a little lace, I was reluctant, but it is comfortable, and he likes it. He also liked how I’d get dressed in the morning and he’d have to wait to find out which new pair I put on until he got home from work that night 🙂
I happen to be one that likes, I mean really likes, lingerie, because it makes me feel pretty. And sexy.
I recently went out with a girlfriend and somewhat forced her into buying “lingerie”. Hear me out on this. She only ever went to bed in her husbands stretched out, ratty old t-shirts. He didn’t like them, she didn’t like them. Why, oh, why, would you wear them? So, we went through the racks and found some nice, comfy cotton strappy nighties. Nothing you would be embarrassed if your mother in law saw. But she has told me that it makes a big difference in how she feels going to bed. And I guess that is what lingerie is about, how you feel in it. If your limit is a cute cotton nightie, fine. If you are willing to wear lace and clasps, fine. But for heaven’s sake, throw out the nasty t-shirts and leave the flannel fortresses in the drawer for when you are camping with the kids!
Amen girlfriend I need a gf to go lingerie shopping with lol. I feel so sexy in it. Hubby loves it, especially when I clean in a nightie or greet him @ the door all sexy.
This is COMPLETELY off topic, but as a long time reader I am cracking up at your Vulcan to Ferengi comment. My husband and I LOVE Star Trek and those Ferengi can be downright naughty lol. Although, there was that episode in TOS where Spock was a little frisky…I digress. Thanks for the laugh!!! And, of course, great points.
Idk. I’ve had battles, me vs. porn, in the past, but Lingerie has never been my enemy. I actually like the way it makes me feel, like the ball gown analogy. Sexy and confident. I assume that makes me more enticing to my hubby, and he’s never said otherwise when asked. To each her own, but I think we’ll keep our collection. It’s just for us, anyway. 😉
I can see how certain styles of lingerie can be equated with the porn industry. I also agree that buying your wife lingerie as gifts especially at major gift giving time is really shallow unless she loves and wants lingerie. Asking her to wear it every time can get a bit creepy and feel slutty in a bad way, too.
Don’t dismiss how she feels. You can say, “Honey, I thought about what you said about lingerie and the porn industry and I understand (or am concerned with) why you feel that way, but let me assure you that I in no way ever made that connection or had that in mind with you. I just love celebrating and enjoying you and your beautiful body.”
My husband kinda feels this way… and perhaps it is from past pornography use from when he wasn’t a Christian. All I know is that he really really likes me in NOTHING, and boy that is cheap, and easy and… well easy. It’s not tough to make him happy. Sometimes it makes me sad because I really really would like him to enjoy the silkiness and enjoy undressing me… but he doesn’t. He just likes me to have it all off. ha. to him undressing is a hinderance! He gets annoyed with my bra clasps that are tricky etc. So while it hurt my feelings early on in marriage, I’ve kinda gotten over it. I don’t waste money on lingerie he’s not too thrilled by… and I work to please him in the ways he loves.
How about if we make a few changes just to see what happens when the shoe is on the other foot?
However, the most significant reason for his distaste, and the most troubling, is that he equates flowers and romance with the culture of romance novels, unrealistic heroes, and a wife’s unrealistic expectations for romance. He feels that by giving flowers he’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted romance that plays to the romantic fantasies of women.
Thoughts?
Oh, I should mention that I did in fact send my wife a dozen roses just two-weeks ago.
Couldn’t tell you. My husband doesn’t get me flowers. Although, I’d appreciate if he wore something sexier to bed than the underwear he was in all day long. Nothing crazy….silk pj pants would do. He prefers to almost insisting that I wear satin nighties and absolutely NO flannel anything, but heaven forbid I buy him a nice bathrobe or something. He still has the hospital pants from when he was in the hospital. I hate when he wears those, but he insists. But if I wear my yoga pants, he calls me a frump (even though they fit so well they are practically immodest!).
KC – An interesting spin, and it does make one think. However, changing it from receiver to giver does modify the dynamics a bit.
Hey J what’s wrong with my catwoman costume? Lol I also have a school girl outfit for real . I see your side but still love it.
Oh has this wife got it backwards.
There’s a reason why the #1 lingerie vendor is called “Victoria’s Secret”. Because most of our sexy lingerie, was simply the ordinarly underwear of the ultra-modest Victorian era. Rarely, rarely would a man be allowed to see it… and when he did, he knew what was coming (pun intended).
Hence the lacy underwear of those ultra modest and mostly chaste old timers, has become an enduring symbol of sexuality. Those hot Victorian era wives had such good girl game, that a hundred years after they’re all DEAD, men STILL eroticize their underwear.
I’m told that Victoria’s Secret does a huge trade in the Islamic world… they have to wear something under the burkha, after all. Because the rare and special revelation of the lace and garter and all that, is a symbol to a man, of the woman’s modestly suddenly being shed FOR HIM. Which is exactly how a wife should behave: Modest to the world, yet ready to totally drop it for HIM and him alone.
As for the porn aspect…. the pornographers misappropriate something that, at its core, is a good thing. It is GOOD for a man to get radically turned on by his wife’s modesty-suddenly-shed, as symbolized by that Victorian era lace. It is GOOD for a wife to act like a stripper, for her husband and her husband alone. When pornographers push men’s buttons, they do so wrongfully… BUT… they are GOD ORDAINED buttons and a lawful wedded wife should WANT to push them.
I agree with you! But I also can see how if a husband was or currently is into porn that the wife would be offended, frightened or reluctant to dress that way. HOWEVER, if the husband was into porn and has repented and those images don’t haunt him, then I would encourage the wife to embrace what is rightfully theirs in the bedroom and not let the bondage of porn rule there anymore. The caveat being that if the lingerie the wife wears brings to memory the porn he once looked at, then I’d advise against it. Perhaps find another style or something. For example, my hubby HATES the lacy stuff…the stuff typically in porn. But he loves the satin stuff…the stuff of old Hollywood…modesty turned racy for the hubby, but still beautifully tasteful. Provacative without being slutty. That is his personal taste and it keeps it separate from the typical porn and Playboy stuff.
Why would a wife not WANT to wear lace and satin and silk? Isn’t it our goal to be a Proverbs 31 woman and be dressed in fine linens for her husband? I mean c’mon. I would much rather wear satin over wool any day. My husband also prefers me to just be nekkid so he doesn’t have to mess with buttons, hook/loops, etc. Sounds like there are some much deeper rooted issues with his wife than wearing uncomfortable lingerie. Wasn’t she taught beauty is pain? Corsets, waxing, hair dye, plucking this n that, etc… We’ve been doing this for centuries. Suck it up buttercup and get sexy for your man!!
Love the quote at the end.
Why would a wife not WANT to wear lace and satin and silk? Isn’t it our goal to be a Proverbs 31 woman and be dressed in fine linens for her husband? I mean c’mon. I would much rather wear satin over wool any day. My husband also prefers me to just be nekkid so he doesn’t have to mess with buttons, hook/loops, etc. Sounds like there are some much deeper rooted issues with his wife than wearing uncomfortable lingerie. Wasn’t she taught beauty is pain? Corsets, waxing, hair dye, plucking this n that, etc… We’ve been doing this for centuries. Suck it up buttercup and get sexy for your man!!
Why would a wife not WANT to wear lace and satin and silk? Isn’t it our goal to be a Proverbs 31 woman and be dressed in fine linens for her husband? I mean c’mon. I would much rather wear satin over wool any day. My husband also prefers me to just be nekkid so he doesn’t have to mess with buttons, hook/loops, etc. Sounds like there are some much deeper rooted issues with his wife than wearing uncomfortable lingerie. Wasn’t she taught beauty is pain? Corsets, waxing, hair dye, plucking this n that, etc… We’ve been doing this for centuries. Suck it up buttercup and get sexy for your man!!
Ok, here’s a question: My hubby is pretty protective of my modesty. Not in some legalistic way, I dress stylishly and modern, but in a respectful way. However, the other day, he pointed out a dress that was quite sexy…provocative sexy…fairly body revealing. Put it this way…it required double stick tape to wear properly. I giggled and said that I’d never leave the bedroom in that! Hubby said, “I don’t know. I could show you off for a while and then bring you back home.”
This got me wondering….is he just saying this because we’ve been apart for a while due to a business trip and he’s just feeling amorous?
If he’s serious about willingly showing me off in that get up is it:
1. Because he’s proud of his sexy little wife and wants to show the world how lucky he is?
2. Or do men get off on other guys leering at their wives, knowing that they can look at her and even rape her with their eyes but he’s the one who gets to take her home?
I am thinking this was just him missing me and being amorous because this is the same man who deleted a picture of me on his phone because the pink shirt I was wearing made it look a bit like I was topless at first glance, even though the picture was only from the shoulders up anyway!
A couple of thoughts I had when I read this. First he probably was just a little frisky & wanted to play with you. But on the other hand many men have fantasy that are the complete opposite of how they deeply feel as odd as it sounds sexuality is many times the area a man will let out there inner devils advocate. For instance many dominate men have fantasy of a woman taking control & them feeling vulnerable. Talk to him. That’s plain and simple. Many men do enjoy showing off there lady for other men to lust after, as a way to say look who I got & the enjoyment of having a man fantize about something he gets to do. Check it out & if it was a joke get the outfit, & display it in the bedroom. If he was serious talk it out & get help if need. Just my opinion.
Any advice on where I can buy good lingerie & some of the good styles?
I’d suggest department stores, although there are certainly lingerie shops and online retailers. As far as “good styles,” think about what areas you want to accent. Do you want to show off your legs? Your bosom? Your shoulders? That can help determine what you might want to wear. Also consider comfort. Personally, I’m in that group of women who would feel very uncomfortable in an all-lace bustier, so no matter how good it looked, I’d likely pass. But there are beautiful, sexy options in various fabrics–silky, cotton, lace, etc. Find what you like.
To be honest, I read his email to you, and it screams of entitlement. To me it was a “look how good a husband I am, surely it isn’t wrong of me to get something in return? Tell me that my wife is wrong so I can tell her she is and I can get my own way again”. I made me feel quite queasy.
Why should (as one commenter wrote) the wife suck it up and do as her husband wants?
Perhaps there is no big issue hidden underneath it, and she really is a fed up wife who gets tired of her husband only wanting her if she dresses up? If her husband can only have sex with her by ‘getting off’ on her dressing up first, then I can see why she would equate it with porn and feel angry, used and distaste for the things he bought her.
If this man had really wanted to reconnect with his wife, he didn’t have to wait for her to wear “something special”, or even asked her to (which in my mind came across as lewd, and unnecessary and just made me cringe). He could have seized the moment and followed her to the shower, or readied the room for her or something that was about HER and *not* about HIM. After all, unless your woman has a high sex drive, most women need warming up and putting into the right head space.
If my husband had asked me that, I’d have felt distaste, degradation and hurt and would seriously have considered with holding if the first thought my husband had of us being alone after a period of time apart, was what I was going to be dressing up in for him. Luckily, I have a more thoughtful man than that.
I didn’t read his comment that way because he didn’t seem to be insisting here. It sounded like he enjoyed the lingerie and didn’t know that she didn’t until one day she informed him. He then suggested her finding things she liked, so the husband seemed flexible in that regard.
I agree with you that if a husband is demanding that his wife get dressed up in the way he wants every single time, yeah, that’s a problem. But a lot of husbands (being visual, as most men are) simply like to see their wives in pretty, revealing stuff.
Certainly, if this wife FEELS the way you describe–whether the husband intended it or not–then her reaction is understandable.
Thanks.
It had never ever occurred to me that one might have an objection to lingere until a few years ago when we were planning to take a cruise with friends. Us ladies were enjoying planning our wardrobes and I mentioned to one of the gals that the ladies should go shopping together to each pick out a new nightie. It sounded like an innocent and fun outing. Her responses floored me… she said that she found lingere worldly and that it was wrong to dress up in lingere for intimacy with our husbands. I think all I could do at the time was blink and try to not let my mouth fall open, as I had never ever ever heard anyone voice that,and certainly wasn’t prepared to debate the issue. I wasn’t even talking edible underwear or crotchless panties, I was talking going to Macy’s and finding a silky lacy nightie. I for one appreciate the coverage over my jiggly bits at times.
I have been reading several of your articles and I thought I will leave a Short Reply: Thanks =)
I once asked my wife if she would like to put on her stockings and a thong, (As I had been working away for a month)
She hit the roof, she said “why do you want me trussed up like a chicken” then slamed the bedroom door on her way out…
What she meant to say was “I’m having an affair with a guy at the office, while you are away working to pay the bills and have been for sometime”
and she got to keep the house too!
🙁 I’m so sorry.
I think its very easy for a lot of men to get selfish, expectant and even a little demanding when it comes to the bedroom ritual. He feels like he has to make the move in order for anything to happen and it can be fairly easy for a man to get impatient or get hurt feelings from any kind of sexual rejection from his wife. But if a man can be very patient and put his wife’s needs first and be very giving (in and out of the bedroom) and maybe even play a little hard to get and prove (over time) that just being with his wife is more important than having sex with her, then I think a lot of men will be very surprised by the way their wife opens up sexually and starts to turn into the pursuer instead of the pursued and the kind of things she does and wears in the bedroom. I know its hard to stay patient because the more you do for your wife, the more you naturally expect to get from her, but you have to resist that urge and stay patient and keep honoring her and flirting and not get overwhelmed by your expectations and just go with it and follow her lead. Sometimes women just need to feel like they are in control, like they can have sex on their own terms and not just because its their duty or because their husband needs sex but because they want to have sex. If you never give your wife a chance to want to have sex, then she never will. If you’re always expecting sex from her then she’s always doing it because you’re expecting it, not necessarily because she actually wants to do it, like really, really wants it. You have to give her that chance to actually want sex on her own. I speak from personal experience, it’s very worth it.
I just need advice on where to hide the crotchless underwear and racy lingerie so my teenagers don’t find them! Not to mention hand washing and hanging to dry. Seriously! Help anyone? It was easier when they were younger!
Great question! Here’s an entire post about Storing Your Sexy Stuff
For us it started with one outfit – an expensive camisole, a robe and some sheer lace panties. That outfit became a flag – I would lay it out on her pillow – she would either wear it or not and I would either sleep in bed or go sleep on the couch if she chose not to wear it – she got the idea. Then we got great birth control – an IUD – she felt more comfortable. I went shopping – but…. I took her tastes into account – she does not like sleazy – no garters, stockings, crotchless, no fantasy crap – she likes pretty, comfortable – silk – she wants to wear panties to bed – I discovered tap panties – which are perfect as they make her happy and they provide total access – for other nice panties – no problem – even fancy panty girdles – the high cut ones – the ride shifts over. Gowns – long full length down to short camisoles – many in silk. Classic ones – Olga , Lucy Anne, Shadowline, some modern ones – gowns lift up just fine. Teddies – we iike teddies. We tried a schedule and it worked. She was enjoying herself – I was doing a good job pleasing her. When we were at it every other day – she decided differently – she said she was up for it each day. She decided to dress for bed in something of her choosing each evening and she preferred morning sex so we make love each morning – and have done so for several years – this is what we like and our normal. She has over 150 pairs of panties, 40 teddies and 150 gowns – we use them.
I held onto this comment for a long time before choosing to publish it. I do NOT support this husband’s attitude. Manipulating your wife into meeting your visual fantasies is NOT what sex in marriage is about. Sure, there is consideration of her taste, but the general gist of this comment is not the God-honoring, union-focused sexuality that I hope to promote here.
I don’t wish ill in any way to this married couple. In fact, I pray that their relationship is filled with love and respect. But I simply couldn’t put this comment out without a reply.
Blessings!
Pingback: How Kinky Can You Get? | Hot, Holy & Humorous
LOVE! Thanks for sharing it.