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A Seussical Sex Life

/ Marriage and Sex Humor / 42 Comments

In a recent post, 10 Confessions of a Marriage & Sex Blogger, I mentioned that I often have maybe 10 posts outlined in advance. Well, the following one I wrote a full year ago!

Why haven’t I posted? Because I vacillated whether someone would be offended by my use of “wham-bam-ma’am.” I used the phrase because it sounds whimsical, it rhymes easily, and it worked. However, the typical use of the phrase “wham-bam-ma’am” does not represent the way I look at sex, and anyone who reads my blog knows that. It’s never my intent to offend, but rather to enlighten and encourage. But at the nudging of a dear friend, I’m going to trust my readers to go in with a lighthearted attitude as I offer the post below. That phrase worked in the poem, and the theme of the poem is something I do want to get across.

***

green eggs & ham
Is your sexual intimacy like green eggs & ham?

With all due respect to Theodor Geisel, the author fondly known as Dr. Seuss, I will be using his fabulous book Green Eggs and Ham. This famous text has been adapted over and over to various themes. Today I’m wondering if you can relate to a Seussical sex life.

Husband – “Needy Man” (or could be higher drive wife)
Wife – Main character (or could be lower drive husband)

Do you like
that wham-bam-ma’am?

I do not like it,
Needy Man.
I do not like
that wham-bam-ma’am.

Would you like it
here or there?

I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
that wham-bam-ma’am.
I do not like it,
Needy Man.

Would you like it
in our house?
Would you like it
with this spouse?

I do not like it
in our house.
I do not like it
with my spouse.
I do not like it
here or there.
I do not like it
anywhere.
I do not like wham-bam-ma’am.
I do not like it, Needy Man.

Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Do it! Do it!
Here I are.

I would not,
could not,
in a car.

Pull-out quote

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
just with me?

I would not be so free.
I would not, could not — no, not me.
Not in a car! You let me be.

I do not like it in a car.
I do not like to go that far.
I do not like it in our house.
I do not like it with my spouse.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like wham-bam-ma’am.
I do not like it, Needy Man.

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark?
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.
Not in the dark. Not in a car.
Not so far. Not so free.
I do not like it, Man, you see.
Not in our house. Not with my spouse.
I will not do it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!

You do not like
that wham-bam-ma’am?

I do not like it,
Needy Man.

You do not like it,
SO you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it and you may, I say.

Man!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
I like that wham-bam-ma’am!
I do! I like it, Sexy Man!
And I would do it in the dark.
And I would do it in a car.
I’d go that far. I feel so free.
It’s so good, so good, you see!

So I will do it in our house.
And I will do it with my spouse.
And I will do it here and there.
Say! I will do it ANYWHERE!
(Okay, not anywhere.)

I do so like
that wham-bam-ma’am!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Patient Man.

Has your marriage experienced anything like this poem? Can you relate to anything in it?

By the way, it’s National Poetry Month. 🙂

42 thoughts on “A Seussical Sex Life”

  4. Anonymous

    Love Dr. Seuss and your version rocks! Thankfully, my husband was a patient man. Although I’m a little pickier about the where than the wife in your poem, I’m definitely a convert to the “wham-bam-ma’am”!

  6. Anonymous

    lol Brought up on Dr Seuss and I dont’ think I’ll ever see green eggs and ham the same again 😛 haha love that wham-bam-ma’am 🙂

  9. Greg

    Oh, the childhood memories this stirs! :^D But it also raises some dramatic, episodical questions (cue cliffhanger music):

    What else does “Jovial J” have hidden in her arsenal archive? Can she count on her readers’ lighthearted attitude? Is it true she once worked for Burma-Shave? Is she really married to Mr. Spock, or is it…The Joker?

    …answers Thursday! Same bat-time, same bat-channel! 😉

    But post point taken; perhaps your encouragement will be the catalyst for someone to take that first step toward intimacy in their marriage.

    1. J

      Ha-ha, Greg! You have no idea that you’ve stumbled on something there. I won’t tell you which part of your message has some truth to it…except that I am pretty big Batman fan from childhood.

    1. J

      LOL! My drawing skills are terrible, and I agree that illustrations on this one would have been…well, yikes. Thanks!

  16. Jennifer

    Having been this woman long ago,this cracks me up. I’m so glad I had a dear friend walk me into freedom in this area (as a counselor) and I so love my crazy, busy sex life.

  17. lusays

    So creative! This was too funny! I loved reading that book to my kids when they were little, this was delightful! Glad I found it on HWC link up. Great post!

  19. Helena

    Fabulous J! I’ll never be able to read another Dr. Seuss book with my daughter without thinking of your poem 🙂

  22. Berji's domain

    Coincidentally my daughter had Green Eggs & Ham for her reader this week (1st grade). Yeah, trying to listen to her read it aloud while your version was going through my head. 🙂
    Thanks for the laugh

  26. Steve

    I can too well identify with the first two – thirds… Praying DESPERATELY for a similar ending. A real faith challenge.

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