This Sunday is Father’s Day in the United States. You may be asking why I mention this holiday. What do dads have to do with marital intimacy — the subject about which I typically write? Actually, fathers can impact their daughters’ sexuality quite a lot.
Here are some ways dads teach their their daughters about intimacy:
Most little girls get their first sense of how pretty they are from their daddies. God has planted in women a desire to be beautiful and cherished by a man. And the first man she encounters is her father, who can either assure her that she’s beautiful in her own special, God-given way, thus growing her self-confidence. Or he can crush her spirit by ignoring her beauty, criticizing her looks, or ignoring/criticizing women around him, thus teaching his daughter that women are not intrinsically valuable.
These lessons stay with a woman into adulthood. Those women who didn’t feel beautiful when they were young may sabotage their looks with poor health habits; use diets, exercise programs, plastic surgery, and other methods to chase an unrealistic ideal; or seek affirmation of their sensual beauty in the arms of one or many men.
But a father who assures his daughter that she has been knit by God to be a beautiful woman inside and out bolsters her ability to appreciate her unique attractiveness and to one day offer that beauty to her husband.
All humans need touch. Daughters who are appropriately hugged and touched by their fathers fare far better than those who are rarely touched or those physically or sexually abused by their fathers.
Far too many women have pursued promiscuity not so much because they wanted to have sex with a lot of men, but they wanted to be touched and held. They ached for a man’s gentle touch and his secure embrace.
Dads who show loving affection while demonstrating appropriate boundaries teach their daughters what it means for a woman to respect her body. Then, she can choose a partner not based on any effort to fill a gap in affection, and she is more likely to seek a man who respects her body the way her father did.
She will better understand how special the gift of total physical vulnerability with her husband is and hopefully keep it in the private place where it should remain.
More than simply respecting her body, a woman must learn to respect herself, the inner self that is part of a truly intimate act of sex. A father can model for a daughter what respecting women looks like. He does so by how he treats the daughter’s mother, how looks at women, and how he speaks about women. Make no mistake: Girls watch their dads. They know when their fathers are ogling other women or disrespecting their mothers.
And they internalize those lessons. They may emerge with a desire to avoid negative treatment by avoiding relationships or becoming controlling in relationships. Or they may emerge with a healthy sense of self-respect and go forth with a desire to find a man who will cherish her the way she should be . . . as modeled by her father.
View of Men
Girls learn what men are like by being around them. Yes, they have friends, brothers, cousins, church leaders, and others to watch. But a dad in the home makes the biggest impression. He’s constantly teaching her what to expect from men in the world. Dad can make a positive impression on behalf of the whole gender by showing what it means to be a real man — to responsibly care for those in his household and love them with a Christ-like love.
Fathers can also overtly teach their daughters what men are like in the sexual arena — how a man’s mind works, what he pays attention to, how he struggles with lust, how he desires a deep connection, how sex is related to that feeling of connection. Dads have the opportunity to arm their daughters with knowledge and wisdom based on their own experiences. They can help their girls navigate the minefields of dating and courtship and then be the kind of girlfriend and wife a godly man needs.
Dads matter. And they matter a great deal in forming a woman’s view of men and her approach to sexuality. Indeed, girls who have poor relationships with their fathers are far more likely to become promiscuous and/or experience teenage pregnancy.
If your husband is doing a good job of raising your daughter, show him your appreciation. Thank him for stepping up.
If he’s not as engaged as you’d like, pray for him and encourage him.
If there isn’t a father in your daughter’s life, look for other male role models to provide reassurance and guidance.
And to the many dads raising their daughters well, thank you.
Happy Father’s Day to all!
9 thoughts on “What Dads Teach Their Daughters about Intimacy”
Thanks for the reminders. Every day I am cognisant of the impact I have on my daughter’s life. I am daily reminded to pray for and over my daughter that she is beautiful. Not because I say so as much as God does. Daily I affirm my daughter in who she is, how she looks and in what she does. In addition I teach her as best I can what to look for in a man who will love, honor and respect her. She is only 7 and my desire is to ensure that she has strong roots to allow her to grow in the best way God intended.
This is a very important topic. In single parent households, the father is often completely absent from a daughter’s life or his presence is very limited (to weekly or bi-weekly visits). A father’s role is crucial in a daughter’s life. I am glad to see that you bring up how fathers can help their daughters in the areas of self-image and dating and sexuality. “They can help their girls navigate the minefields of dating and courtship and then be the kind of girlfriend and wife a godly man needs.” That is needed today!
Another substantive and sorely needed post, J. 😉
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Great, great post! My husband also appreciated the book, What a Difference a Daddy Makes, by Dr Kevin Leman.
I’m starting to become convinced that my wife’s father is, in part, the reason why we have a sexless marriage. He worked long hours during her upbringing, rarely shows any affection, even to his own wife, and is conservative as conservative goes. I was told when we were dating to look at her mother to see what she would be like in our later years – I should’ve looked at how her father treated her.
@John, you are probably right. Sounds like my father and me, although he was loving toward my mother. Looking at it now I can see how damaging it was to never be affirmed by either parent while growing up but especially by my dad. In my mind I was basically invisible, not only to him but everyone. I don’t know specifically what your wife needs but God does. Ask Him for specific ways to encourage, affirm and love your wife. Maybe she can’t even receive that yet but, as I see God changing me I have hope and confidence He can and desires to change your wife, to heal her broken spirit, and YOU get to help. Pray she desires to let God help her and see the need for change. Praying for restoration and healing for you both.
Such a good post! This is SO important and you addressed it so well, as usual.
This might be covered under ‘view of men’…. A father teaches his daughter how a woman should be treated. Both by how he treats his wife and how he treat her, his daughter. There are a lot of things I don’t put up with and never have (at least as an adult) from men because my father modeled a certain way that women are treated. It also prompted me to notice these things about the man I married — I noticed how he treated other women, how he talked about his mom. And I knew he would treat me well. (Thanks to my Dad for teaching me well!)
An amazing post! I plan on showing my husband so he can realize how much impact he has on our daughters, even though they’re still just little. Thanks!
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