I can still conjure up memories of when I was a single woman and a man would look me up and down in a flash and then give some presumably-sexy line. Frankly, I hated that.
Most women I know have those memories and that same visceralĀ ick reaction. We felt like slabs of meat at the butcher’s window, there to be look at, salivated over, and eaten up. We might as well have been staring into the mouth of the Big Bad Wolf.
Soooo . . . then we get married. And while being looked at with desire and hearing aĀ hey-baby-you-wanna line from our husband should be a wonderful thing, maybe at times we hearken back to the Wolf and experience an uneasy feeling that maybe we aren’t being appreciated quite as much as we’d like.
I believe the ultimate issue is what is the aim of his sex drive? Let’s face it, ladies, a lot of those guys pre-marriage wanted sex. Just sex. And we were a means to an end. Sure, we might have been preferable to another and valued in some respect for what we uniquely offered. But we felt that underlying message that it was really about the sex, that we were the method through which he got what he wanted.
But most husbands I hear from (though, admittedly, not all) see it in the opposite way. Whereas the jerk who sleeps around is looking for women to satisfy his aim of experiencing sex, a committed husband is looking for sex to satisfy his aim of experiencing his wife.
That husband’s aim isn’t just the sex. In fact, as I’ve said many times before, if it was merelyĀ about the sexual climax, he could get that elsewhere or on his own. Instead, I hear from husbands who yearn deeply for sex in their marriage because in that moment they feel closest to their wives. The sex is the method, the aim is intimacy with your spouse.
So do we believe it?
Because I also hear from wives who equate their husband’s flirtations, touches, advances, and sexual expressions with what they experienced from Jerk Guy at the bar when they were twenty years younger. But is that fair? Have we allowed that bad experience to mistakenly color our interpretation of what’s happening with hubby?
I don’t know about you, but never in a million years would I have married Creepy Guy Scanning My Body Like I’m Meat, but I did marryĀ my husband. He was one of the good guys. He fell in love with me, not just my body or what I could offer him. So why put him in the category with Creepy Guy now?
Maybe we wives need to ask what’s the aim of our husband’s sex drive? Is it onlyĀ about the sex? Or do we believe it’s more — that he really, truly wants to be united with his wife?
And if it’s the latter, let that lovingĀ man check out yourĀ you’ve-still-got-it beauty. Go ahead and let him be enthralled (Psalm 45:11). Engage playfully and sexually. Trust that his aim is not the sex, it’sĀ you. He desiresĀ you. And sex is one of his ways of experiencingĀ that.
Do you struggle with bad memories that affect your interpretation of your husband’s advances now? How is your husband’s sex drive truly aimed atĀ you and not just the sex?
My pastor-husband and I work in emotional health ministries and what you write is absolutely true. Those wounding experiences of the past are triggered by the very words and touches that invite engagement and connection that we crave! Dan Allendar says it is pretty much impossible to grow up in our society without some kind of sexual wounding. The wounding you describe is a thief and a robber of the joy God intended for us to experience.
Great post. Well written. Thank you.
Thanks so much, Sharon. And I appreciate your work in the area of emotional health. We need quality Christian pastoring and counseling out there!
Great post!! I was raised that all men are only after one thing and will do anything to get it. While that teaching kept me away from scum prior to being married, it has unfortunately had a negative effect now that I am married. While I know my husband loves me and values me for more than my body, it’s hard to shake that mentality. Thank you for reaffirming what a husband’s true aim is.
I heard that message too. The more I think about it, the more I realize how difficult it is to explain a man’s sex drive to a young woman: We want her to understand how frequent and intense it can be, but at the same time we don’t want her to think she’s surrounded by wolves. Because there really are some wonderful men out there, and we shouldn’t lump them in with the jerks.
Blessings to you and your marriage!
As good as God may have intended men’s sexuality to be, its misuse arguably proves to be our greatest bane. Having witnessed the Big Bad Wolf attitude throughout high school and college, I still wrestle with the stigma it inevitably places on even those of us who want to fight it. Please know, that (as you noted), some of us genuinely respect women; yearning to honor them–and the Lord–in our thoughts and actions.
Thank you, Greg. I appreciate you speaking up for the guys here! I know what you say is true — that there are truly godly men who want the real thing, not the Big Bad Wolf imitation.
What you said in your blog I believe is true for some. Although from reading EVERY MAN’S BATTLE and knowing what my husband has viewed, I do look at him no differently, as a matter of fact I see all men in the same light. From what was shown to me as a little girl to the many betrayals I’ve had along the way, they are all the same. Plus the crutch that the church gives men.
Therefore 1st I do not feel pretty, thin, or sexy enough, 2nd I don’t know what female(s) he has looked at throughout the day that has wanted him to want sex. I only have sex because it is my wifely duty, not because I enjoy it, which I don’t. All I feel is stress when we have sex amongst the ghosts of the girls he has lusted over. Had I known what I know now, I NEVER would have EVER gotten married!
Karen, I hardly think that my response here is going to alter your entire view of sex, but let me ask some questions you might want to ponder.
1. Why do you believe God created sex? What was the point?
2. What is it about sex you don’t enjoy? Do you know what really turns you on? Would your husband be willing to try something different to make it more pleasurable for you?
3. Is your husband looking at women in front of you or verbally reporting back to you about women he sees? Or are you assuming this is happening without real data?
4. Why don’t you feel good about your body? What standard are you using for beauty, and is it a reasonable one?
5. What “ghosts” from your own past haunt your marriage bed? What experiences or attitudes from your history are negatively impacting the way you view your husband and your marriage?
My own take is:
(1) I hate when someone assumes they know what I’m thinking or feeling when I’ve expressed nothing of the sort. It’s just not fair for someone to tack a label onto you and then judge you accordingly. So I wonder how much of what you state is really what’s happening, and how much is you presuming you know things about your husband which may or may not be true. And since you loved this guy enough to marry him, why wouldn’t you give him the benefit of the doubt? Which is what, I assume, you’d want from him in other areas.
(2) I’ve not read EVERY MAN’S BATTLE, but I’ve heard many interviews with the author. Also, Shaunti Feldhan’s FOR WOMEN ONLY has an excellent chapter about the mental struggle with imagery husbands face. But just because something’s hard doesn’t mean that the person underneath isn’t aware and wanting something better. For instance, it’s really hard for me to be super-sweet when I’m PMSing, and I want my husband to understand what’s going on so he can give me some extra grace; but that doesn’t mean I want carte blanche to be Cruela de Vil once a month. I just think you may have walked away with a message that wasn’t intended.
I’m praying for you and your situation. Blessings to you, Karen! Thanks for commenting.
OK I will answer the questions, maybe from my answers you may have more insight and can maybe explain if I’m I’ve got the wrong idea.
1). I believe God created sex for a couple specific reasons; to worship him, ONLY for a married couple, but must be engaged in three areas mentally (only being turned on by your spouse), physically (I believe God made a man to be visual, to give man the sensitivity to see the beauty in all humans and the beauty God sees in each person, NOT FOR LUST) and spiritually. Although there was the fall of man AND that all changed.
2). I don’t enjoy sex cause I know it is not me that turns him on, I’ve not completely captured him with my physical features, I don’t know who or what has turned him on that day, I just know it isn’t me! Don’t worry I do my wifely duty I can even have an orgasm, but don’t enjoy it, how you say? Its my job and that is just part of it.
3). Yes I know he does, I’ve seen porn on the computer, he has gone to Victoria Secret website, he likes blondes and long hair, I don’t have either for one. Birthday cards he has picked out for people so yes I know he has and probably still is cause just like the churches crutch they give to men he uses, I’m visual! Does he verbally say a girl is hot in front of me no, but his actions has told me.
4). I don’t feel good about my body since from when I was very young, my dad with a couple of my siblings were watching Miss Universe, Miss Spain came out out of my dad’s mouth, with excitement and anticipation came “isn’t she beautiful!”. I’ve NEVER heard those words come out of my dad’s mouth directed to me. That was the start. Am I using an unreasonable standard of beauty, yes that is obviously what is wanted and expected! I’m also not 20 anymore which is being sold everywhere, I’m not the desirable age for any man in today’s world of sickness!
5). The ghosts from my past that haunt my marriage is the fact that I was stupid and actually believed that someone would desire me only me, yes I screwed up but if what was taught to me that was in the book EVERY MAN’S BATTLE, this would never of been an issue! I’m angry cause I was told one thing and believed in LOVE and that garb, but the visual thing was never taught, so yah my attitude is filled with hostility considering now I’m trapped in something I’ve committed to God without knowing the truth!
As a husband who has struggled with pornography, I found Every Man’s Battle to be the impetus to begin my sexual purity. You’re right in that even the church’s standards for sexual purity often falls short of God’s standards. I can see how the book would be difficult for a wife. I can honestly say, I wish my wife would read it. I want her to understand my struggle. I don’t want her as an accountability partner. God has given me the will power to break my habits nearly cold turkey, but i feel like my wife needs to know that she can ask if I’m tempted. I want her to know that she can trust me, both with what is in my eyes and my heart. Talk to your husband. If he’s living in sexual sin he doesn’t have a good relationship with God, he’s ruining the marriage, and leaving an open door for a generational problem with sexual sin if you have any children. And above all, pray for each other.
As a woman I would like to believe that my DH experiences feelings of love for me through sex. However realistically in this disposable society that we have today and with all the premarital sexual baggage most of us come into marriages I also feel that having orgasms on regular basis is the true goal for most men. Erasing the visions of our past experiences and the ghosts of DHs past from our minds can sometimes be almost impossible. Attempts to bury those visions and memories can actually cause feeling of having lost sense of the true self.
Hey, Robin!
If having regular orgasms is the goal for most men, why not grab a magazine and the nearest bathroom? Why work on a marriage and seek your wife to be involved in this thing called sex? Because it’s actually harder to engage with another person. (More fulfilling, but harder.)
And I really don’t understand this statement: “Attempts to buy those visions and memories can actually cause feeling of having lost sense of the true self.” When my bad memories of my premarital promiscuous past faded (and a lot has gone away over time), I felt way more like my true self — like I’d dumped the extra weight that was dragging me down. I pray everyone gets such marvelous freedom and sense of self!
Maybe you should ask your husband what sex means to him. An honest conversation. (Because yeah, he might start with some wink-wink comment.) Over the time I’ve been blogging, I’ve been happily surprised to hear how attached many husbands are to their wives and the deeper meaning of sex.
Karen, in a spiritual sense, your really not married to your husband! If god wouldn’t have given us “men” a desire to pursue “female” there would not be very people on this earth. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water! I desire in my wife, and have what no other woman is capable of giving me! It’s called an deep emotional bond that is only developed over a long period of time. Yes I have lusted. Lust, is cheap! Thank god my wife doesn’t begrudge me for my past! Her past isn’t perfect either! But true love erases all of that! Sex for me is all about satisfying her! I do agree, men need to harness their “sex drives”! If it’s done in a godly way, you as a spouse will receive all the rewards. You have a distorted view of men. I encourage you to find help. Something has enslaved you to that kind of mentality. I will pray for you
Thanks, John! When I talk about what husbands think on here, I’m always thrilled when the hubbies pop up in the comments section. I’m clearly don’t know what it’s like inside a guy’s mind, but I try to listen to what y’all say and report accordingly. š
The feeling I have is a bit of a antsy one. My background, I have had a previous troubled marriage (insert Meat Loaf’s “Praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive” line here), and am elatedly married now. I feel as though I have seen issues similar to Karen’s from multiple angles. As far as the book mentioned, I don’t believe I am familiar with that one. As far as the crutch the church gives men, not familiar with that one. I am by no means saying they don’t exist, I just do not possess the knowledge of them. I am a believer in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe the Holy Bible is the literal Word of God. I confess sexual sin. I confess all sin. That said, I will commence.
The familiar part of what Karen said reminds me of my first marriage. In my case, there were just so many things my ex-wife “knew to be true” that just were not true. I was badgered seemingly without end about my “desire” to have an affair. I never touched, or tried to touch, another woman for the six years of that marriage, yet, surprise surprise, came to find out after it was over that my ex had cheated on me for almost three years. My personal favorite was when she “found” cigarette butts (I no longer smoke, this incident was almost twenty years ago) with lipstick on them in the ashtray of my car, so bam, proof I am cheating scum acting on my lust of others. Typical male, wanting everyone else. Problem was, the cigarette butts in question did not exist. I mean she had just seen them two minutes before, all she had to do was go back outside and get them. She refused, because they were not there. Do I mention this to rag on my ex? No. I mention it because this was something she “saw and knew.” It took her six weeks to admit she did not physically see the butts, but she saw them in her mind so the “vision” was still valid. Often times we see what we want.
I have zero chance of reaching Karen with this. The wording she uses shows “seeing” coupled with admitting otherwise. This issue is not a logical one in it’s entirety, but is one steeped in emotion. Again, that comment is my personal feeling driven by experience, and not a professional one. I just get the feeling that Karen wants to be in the state she is in. What I hope is to give an insight to the others who struggle with body image and sex drive issues. My wife, the ever so talented and darling K whom I have the pleasure and honor of being married too, is flawed physically. She’s thirty-eight years old, and we know that thirty-eight years of gravity and dry heat (live in the desert) can’t help the body of a mom. Stretch marks, wrinkles, belly fat, you name it. Although I must admit it paid off not going cheap on the tattoo she got twenty years ago helped. While the dolphin on her belly has gotten bigger, the colors and lines are great, so good choice K! You have no idea how much this lady thrills me. You have no idea how much I have learned what fun Proverbs 5:19 is! Why? Is it because her body is perfect, no. Is it because she is her, yes. Do I want to have sex with her a lot? Yes! Do I want to have sex with anyone else? No!!! Why? Why?!? Because she is perfectly imperfect. After all, she loves me. Sex is just one of many ways I get to know her more.
How did I get from being married to an abusive cheater to being married to Super Wife Number One? I had to get me fixed. Sure, I could have pointed my finger at my ex, because after all it was her fault. But why did I choose her in the first place? All of our sin and experiences kind of mold us into who we are. Bad choices in little things pile up into bad choices about bigger things. I had to be honest with myself about my own “I know it’s just this way because it is” mentality. I had to be honest with my own self image and emotional dysfunctions. I never choose to have social anxiety for example. It’s one thing if a spouse is engaged in sin. Sin is sin and it must be dealt with, no getting around that. Just make sure it is sin that is having to be dealt with, and not our projecting of anticipated sin that has to be dealt with.
I am thankful that K gives me the chance to look upon her as an object of beauty, despite the fact she does not see it herself. She knows she ain’t no Miss Spain, but she knows she is Miss Louye’s house, and that is a title that is worth having! K lets me be her husband, the piece of paper means nothing.
First of all, I love all of your posts! A Godly woman I look up to told me about you a few days before my wedding. Your posts have helped me so much. So much Godly truth. Being a newly wed, I had some struggles bc of mistakes made by my husband and I, both together and separately. I’m so thankful for God’s mercy and healing power. He has blessed our marriage in more ways than one. I have so much trust in my husband. I know his aim in sex is for the closeness we feel during and after. Our love for God and faith in Him is the only thing that has healed our wounds and grown our love. Don’t get me wrong, there are still scars, things aren’t perfect but we trust God anyway. Thank you for your posts!
I still have scars. Scars aren’t pretty, but you know what? When they’re just scars, they don’t really hurt. Open wounds hurt, scars don’t.
Thank God for your healing and the increase of your love. Many blessings to you and your husband, Whitney!
This is a really good point to keep in mind. Although it isn’t true in every marriage, I think it is true in many. Very few women come into marriage without having been treated like a sexual object at some point, in ways that range from fairly mild to horrific. If we are married to a man who is truly one of the good guys, we need to work to keep our past experiences from clouding our view of him and our marriage (and seek help if it’s too difficult to do on our own).
You’re right: It isn’t true in every marriage. I’ve had friends married to jerks, and their situation is particularly frustrating because of their husband’s selfishness. But I’ve become increasingly confident that there are a lot of good guys out there, and that many of us ladies married them. And we should treat them accordingly. Thanks, Gaye!
Please note that it is not only men who seek casual sex and size people up like a piece of meat.
Some women are also guilty of this. I’ve realized that this attention isn’t flattering or a compliment.
To Karen, your post makes me sad since you’re really hurting.
Are you really sure your husband has been checking other women out all day?
If you’re out and about with him, does he do that? If you feel you cannot trust him, then your marriage needs help. Do you see any good marriages around you? I find it sad that you so totally reject marriage because it can be really wonderful.
Good point, Eric! I’m somewhat disturbed by how much more common it is these days for women to treat men like objects as well. I see it plenty on social media and entertainment choices, not to mention the hookup culture. And no, it’s not flattering to be viewed like a product on the shelf.
Thanks for your comment!
As a man I understand the “wolf”description. I have a hard time not ogling my wife’s lovely body as she gets out of the shower to this day. I also know what it feels like to wake up with an erection you’ve had for so long that it aches, and feeling like you just want to “bury” it in her for relief (sorry for the graphic description but nothing else fits).
What has refrained me from acting on these urges over the years or worse ones yet is two things, faith and the effect it has had on my life and my deep and profound love for my beautiful bride of almost 25 years. She is my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. I could never imagine being with another woman and my desire is for her, all of her, not just having sex with her. For her comfort, security, and well being I will let my urges take a back seat. I have never pushed or demanded, and the pace of our physical love life has always been dictated by her. I have however encouraged her in a gentle manner, especially when we were younger.
It’s funny but true, the older we get my wife seems to enjoy the “act” more and I enjoy the closeness.
I never like sexual positions where we are not face to face. I never like aggressive sex either but that doesn’t mean our love life is timid or bland.
Her chief complaint at this point is that I always want it to last too long. She says this tongue in cheek because she knows I am simply savoring a wonderful gift that God has given us and we only share together.
BY the way adult only vacations (just the two of us) are my favorite things in life. I love my children but a week or two with their mother in an undistracted state of mind is a glorious thing.
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When I was only 12 years old, a boy in school would touch my butt whenever he could. It was most often as he walked past me, he would brush the back of his hand across my rear end. I was young, naive and confused. I liked and hated it at the same time. I later dated him and it was terrible. I didn’t date again for years.
Fast forward to married life and hubby would brush my butt with the back of his hand whenever he walked by. I hated it. I hated being reminded about that boy. But, hubby didn’t know. Apparently, I have a very nice backside and he enjoys it and it was a way of connecting with me even during busy times.
One day I was washing dishes, a time he usually takes advantage of to touch my butt, and thinking about him coming in and touching me and I cringed as that boy appeared in my memory again. Suddenly, I was like, “that was 20 years ago! Why am I giving that boy 20 year’s ago power over my marriage, today? Why does he have possession over that touch instead of my husband? That’s it! I’m done! I am giving that touch to my husband where it belongs and I am enjoying it!”. I also told hubby about my past and the revelation I had.
Now, I look forward to him touching me that way and actually create opportunities for him to.
Hooray! I had a similar feeling too. I would almost physically hurt or flinch when touched. Now my wife’s hand is like an energizer I crave. If she just puts her hand on my forearm I seem to come alive! Good for you to have the guts to do what you did!
This was a very timely read for me! My husband and I had been in a bit of a funk for nearly 2 weeks. I had a stressful week caring for our special needs son and himeschooling out other 2, and I was worn out and discouraged. I was offended that he would make an advance in that moment. It felt selfish of him. After reading this post, praying about and having my husband read also I feel like I have a deeper understanding of how he works. He agreed in that moment his intent was to be close to me and to bring me comfort. I couldn’t see it that way as it was happening. Thank you! This post was a great conversation starter for us.