Actually, it might be more accurate for the title of this post to be Views on Sex from a Recently Virgin Married. Because Lauren Hanna, who wrote Let’s Talk about Sex, Shall We?, has returned to share her transition from single-and-engaged virgin to happily-married wife. Here’s her update, along with a few comments from me.
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married in November of this year. Not only were we virgins, we were 28- and 25-year-old virgins with both of our primary love languages being physical touch. We were excited to have sex. I mean . . . who wouldn’t be?! We had heard all of these wonderful things about it, and although we had no clue whatsoever what it would really be like, we were darn eager to try.
After withholding ourselves for so long, certain expectations inevitably grew — some were right on, others were better, some weren’t met at all . . . and it was all good.
1. Sex Is Simple
The first expectation that was blown out of the water was that sex is some mysterious, complicated thing. It’s not. It’s simple. Ha! Both my husband and I were absolutely amazed at how simple it really is, but at the same time it is so profound. I don’t quite know what we were expecting exactly with that one, but I love that God didn’t make it hard. Sure it can be a bit awkward sometimes, and we’re still learning the ropes (it’s barely been a month of doing this), but at its essence sex is simple.
J: It is simple for most couples to get the hang of it. Those who struggle should check with their doctor and/or a counselor to see what might be getting in the way of successful intercourse.
2. Sex Is Unifying
The other thing that really amazed us is how it really does unify you. Although sex is simple, it is profound. Something about making love puts you in complete unity with each other. It’s being vulnerable and intimate and passionate all at the same time. Honestly, I think that’s one of my favorite things about it. I totally get why the Bible tells us to wait until marriage, not that there isn’t redemption and amazingness if you didn’t wait. However, I can’t imagine being that vulnerable with someone and then having them break your heart. That would be awful! I found myself gaining even more compassion for those that have been through that, because in its context sex is absolutely beautiful, strengthening, and powerful.
J: Yes, it is awful to have your heart broken by someone you gave your whole body to. Unfortunately, I know that feeling. Which is why many of us who were sexually active prior to marriage strongly encourage singles to wait: wait for the real thing. Redemption is always available, but I pray that as many as possible can avoid the bad memories and the scars. Then once in marriage, unify away!
3. Just Relax
One expectation that was right on was me tensing up the first time. Both of us were pretty nervous and excited, and well, it’s true . . . be relaxed. I had heard that could happen, and sure enough it did. But then I remembered all the advice I had been given of “just relax,” and the moment that I did that there was no pain. Hallelujah! I was then able to focus on enjoying my husband and starting this new part of our relationship.
J: I love Lauren’s testimony on this — that you really can practice relaxing and learn to enjoy what’s happening with your body and your intimacy.
4. Goodbye, Body Issues
Before entering marriage, I was a tad critical on my body. Somehow along the way (blame it on whatever magazine, doll, TV show, etc. you want), I managed to immediately start looking at my flaws when I looked at myself. I was pretty nervous that my husband would see them all too. I just wanted to be perfect for him, you know? After being married for this month, I don’t really do that anymore. I have never been complimented on my body more in my entire life! He really does think I’m beautiful . . . even the parts that I deemed to be flaws. I’m starting to see myself in a different light now. I don’t see flaws now, I just see parts of my body that make me . . . me — they give me character.
J: Some of us are still critical about our bodies, but it can be so reassuring to have one’s husband delight in your beauty. When my husband’s gaze grazes over me with pleasure in his eyes, I do feel more like God’s handiwork. And we wives need to believe it when our husbands say we’re beautiful.
5. It Can Be Pretty Funny
We’re just learning right now. Still discovering ourselves and each other. Since we have no prior experience, things can sometimes be awkward and/or comical. We’ve laughed . . . a lot. If something doesn’t work according to plan, no biggie; we just try again and have a good laugh in the process. Actually, to be honest I think it’s pretty cool that we can feel comfortable enough to be able to laugh.
J: Yep. For instance, I’ve written here, here, and here with humor about the marital bedroom.
6. Orgasms Are Awesome
I’d heard about them, but good heavens they are glorious! Seriously.
J: Glorious. That about encapsulates it. If you’re still struggling with the Big O, check out this post or this one.
7. Intimacy
I love how making love is so intimate. I get to know things about him that no one else will ever discover, and vice versa. That’s pretty exciting to me — to give all of yourself over to someone else. It’s a gift. We get to express our love for each other, every single time in ways that are exclusively for us. I think it’s pretty special actually, and our relationship has gotten so much better because of it. I really do love that.
J; Such a beautiful, intimate experience when it expresses and fosters covenant love in marriage! Lauren gets an “Amen” from me.
All in all we’ve had a really good experience so far. It’s definitely been a lot of growing and learning, but it’s a lot of fun. I’m really thankful that over the years I had heard so many stories and gotten a lot of advice from blogs like this and from women I know and trust. I think it’s helped me out a lot during this transition. I probably would have felt way more nervous and overwhelmed had I not had that. I’m excited to see what happens from here!
Thanks so much to Lauren Hanna for sharing her story with us! I pray for many more years of marital bliss for her and her husband.
Lauren Hanna is a 25-year-old composer based out of LA. She loves God with all her heart and loves seeing people become who He made them to be.
Lauren, thanks for the encouraging words about sexual intimacy. These days it can be very difficult to remain hopeful for any kind of biblical sexual fulfillment.
Good for her to be so open and encourage others! My husband was a widower who had never been with anyone but his late wife and I had never even kissed anyone before we became engaged. I tell him, and anyone else to whom it will do any good, that it is wonderful to have my whole learning curve and discovery involved with one man, the man I love, the man who married me.
Lauren, After reading your great post, I was reminded again about how God’s design for marriage is perfect and the longer you’re married the better everything becomes if we keep Him first.
Be sure to get your copy of J’s Devotional – Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. My wife and I do one devo each morning with our coffee. Great start to the day.
Congratulations on your marriage. Prayers for many happy and healthy years together.
Wow! Thank you, Steve.
Love this!! My husband and I were both 27 year old virgins when we married and our stories sound so very similar. Two years and two pregnancies later I feel like it’s still just as new and different though as the night we got married because hormones and a changing body makes it constantly new and different. I would say to you that don’t worry if it becomes more difficult during/after pregnancy. The first three months were easy breezy until I got pregnant with our son. Now I am 30 weeks with our daughter (no we did not plan to have them 13 months apart and that is definitely part of the sex and body learning process!!) I find myself easily discouraged that I don’t crave sex like I did before. But because of the little window between pregnancies I was reminded that when I’m not pregnant I do love it and very much enjoy it. So if and when you become a mommy just remember this too shall pass! Or maybe you’ll be like others I’ve heard and sex will be even better when you’re pregnant than when you’re not. 😉
This story closely mirrors my own! My husband and I got married the end of July, I am 23 and he is 31. Physical touch is our primary love language as well, and it certainly made me thankful that it was a long distance engagement (WI & TX)! It is amazing how once you develop a trusting emotional relationship with someone, it helps your physical relationship fall into place… we transitioned from our first kiss at the wedding to enjoying the rest of the evening in our hotel room so naturally that it wasn’t hard to relax and be intimate. Sure, there some funny and slightly awkward moments, but we were really too focused on each other to care – we enjoy laughing about them now! Five months later, we are now expecting a baby boy in April and still crazy about each other.
Note to J – I would love if you have a link to, or would do a post on positions that work best while you are pregnant. It’s starting to get a little harder to find something that works, and I often go ahead and do it anyway, but it really kills the mood when you get nauseous and/or sick after making love… 🙁
Great idea! I’m putting that on my ever-growing idea list — positions while pregnant. (Yeah, it can be challenging.) Congratulations and many blessings for your marriage!
I love this 🙂 It is so encouraging to read of another 20-something couple who were both virgins when they married and that are learning first-hand about this thing called making love! I have been married for 1 and 1/2 years now and we have already been through many seasons in this area (and no, I have not been / am not pregnant!). I know it is a journey and I need to keep my head up and enjoy! Thank you for this reminder 🙂
It is so wonderful to hear about a 20 something couple who were virgins on the day of their wedding! Even more exciting is the news of fulfilling and functional marriage bed. I know so many couples from my generation who were virgins on their wedding day but the marriage bed has so unfulfilling, including my own.
It sounds like you’ve had a terrific experience! We got married when I was 28, and your first point wasn’t so true for us in the beginning. We were both virgins, and had a fabulous time, but couldn’t quite get it to fit inside of me for several nights! We eventually figured it out though. 🙂
I’m surprised that women are saying it’s simple. Sure inserting tab A in slot B is simple, but that’s hardly sufficient for satisfaction. (I’ve already read all the articles and books on how to O that I can find, and nothing has helped much. They’ve mostly made me more acutely aware of what I’m missing out on, and it’s hard to be enthusiastic about something that isn’t improving.) It’s nice to hear that things are going well for some marriages, and being that satisfied after only a month is impressive. (Married over seven years now…) For me during pregnancy wasn’t any worse, but it wasn’t any better, either. (One child born less than a year ago.)