Today’s post is for the guys! Listen up, husbands. We hear all the time that men are visual. Do you ever hear what women are?
Women are primarily aural. Which means they respond to the spoken word more than the visual image. I believe this is why porn is usually a stronger temptation for men and erotica a stronger temptation for women. It’s also why romance novels sell so briskly to the female population. We can conjure up an image in our head, but honestly what gets most of us is the words.
But this knowledge doesn’t simply have a negative connotation, with warnings to men not to lust after other women and warnings to women not to fall for another man’s sweet talk. Rather, you can use this information positively in your own marriage — to deepen your connection, your romance, and your sexual intimacy.
Give this a shot, hubbies: Speak seductively to your wife.
How do you do that?
Tell her how beautiful she is…specifically. Talk up her physical assets and her inner charm. Let her know with words how appealing she is to you and that she is your standard of beauty. Get specific about what you like about her feminine form and her unique features. Take time to savor those parts of her with full descriptions.
The Lover in Song of Songs does exactly this:
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from the hills of Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
not one of them is alone.
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
are like the halves of a pomegranate.
Your neck is like the tower of David,
built with courses of stone[a];
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies. (4:1-5)
Please use your own words — no teeth like a flock of shorn sheep — but you can follow the principle of overtly telling your wife why she is lovely to you.
Express the depth of your love. Yeah, I know you told your wife you loved her yesterday, but say it again today. And not just the same words you might proclaim to your brewing pot of coffee in the morning: “I love you so much.” Give your words a little depth, guys! Don’t think you can come up with anything? You could always follow the Bob Smiley example:
Well, she might catch on to that. But think about all those movie lines and song lyrics where guys tell the girl how much they love them, and use that as a framework to come up with your own expressions of love. I believe in you — you can do it!
Tell her what you want to do to her sexually. Build anticipation for sex with your wife with your words. Grabbing a body part ain’t gonna cut it, men. How about walking her through what you want her to experience in the bedroom, what arousal you want her to feel, what actions you want to perform, what response you want her to have? Slowly describe what you want to do with your hands, where you want to kiss her body, how much pleasure you want to bring her, how you want to meld your bodies into one, how you want her body to shiver with delight. Try doing all of this before you even take off a single item of clothing or fondle any body parts. Talk through the lovemaking and see if that doesn’t increase her arousal.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine. (Song of Songs 7:6-9)
Savor the encounter afterward. You can also use the time after a sexual encounter to express verbally what the experience meant to you, how beautiful you feel she is, how much her love means. Wrap the experience in words of gratefulness and contentment. Letting her know how intimate you feel in her naked embrace can go a long way toward giving your wife sexual confidence and a desire to make love again.
Will every wife respond to aural stimuli? No, of course not. Some wives defy type by being more visual than aural, and some wives don’t respond to sexual advances well, even with words. But I venture to say that most marriages would experience a fresh boost of intimacy when a husband takes time to tailor his advance to his wife’s aural tendency.
Stoke the fires of your sexual intimacy with words that build her up.
25 thoughts on “Speaking Seductively to Your Wife”
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Can’t wait to give this to my husband to read. Words are my ‘love language’!
In that case, an even bigger deal for you! Hope your hubby takes it to heart.
I love this! What great ideas for men who want to know how to speak to their wife. 🙂 I think so many men will benefit from this.
Thank you, Keelie!
…and hold her afterward. Cuddle together and learn that the afterplay can be just as good, just as meaningful as the foreplay, or even main event, especially for her. Ideally, she should fall asleep in your arms. Better still if she wakes up the next morning in the same position. My wife says she feels safe when I’m holding her, and that it’s her “happy place.” Learn to serve her, to do what makes her happy, and she will strive to fulfill your desires! Good, caring, Christian lovemaking will absolutely blow away all the minor little irritations that so many other couples go through. They’ll just disappear! They were never the real issues anyway; they were only what were safe to complain about because the real problems of feeling unloved and unsatisfied were too scary to face.
As you often do, this article is right on point. It is encouraging to see this message for men from a woman’s perspective.
Another method for guys who are not sure what to say, is simply to ask his wife, “Say honey, what would you like me to say to you to let you know how much I love you?” And “What are some words of suduction that make you feel all giddy inside?”
Guys sometimes need specific advice and who better to give it to them than their bride?
Great post! Thanks!
A non-induced advertisement for J – If you have not gotten her books, do yourself a favor and get them. Try them one at a time but she does a wonderful job on these topics.
Aw, thank you!
Hubby and I have a confirmed bachelor friend who is a master at this. He has this way of talking to women so that she feels like she is the only woman in his universe. As such, he has a line up of girlfriends and a slew of other gals with crushes on him. Now, I am not saying he is sleazy. He is a gentleman, but he is charming….and knows it.
“Darling, shall I get us a drink?” Is so much sexier than, “hey, get me a beer!”
She walks in the room a he lights up, stands, greets her with whatever greeting is appropriate for their level of aquaintanceship, offers her a chair, and introduces her to the conversation.
He calls her pet names like dear and darling, sweetie, honey, or something gracefully formal. He says she is lovely tonight, beautiful, gorgeous, pretty. Nothing over the top. Just a sincere remark. When talking with her he is relaxed, yet focused.
So, what is this all about? Simple. It makes her feel captivating, wanted, desired, important.
Great Post, J. Good comments from Libl, too. Watching this “confirmed bachelor friend” in action is something I’d like to do from a distance. Not sure I could stand the humiliation of that much upstaging!
I recall a few years ago that I spent an evening in the balcony of the Hotel Gadsen, in Douglas, Arizona, on the border with Mexico. A very LOUD Mexican wedding reception was going on on the dance floor downstairs, and I took copious notes of the scene, which I later used in a novel. A culture foreign to me was carrying on that evening in a manner that seemed like fun.
Well, right now I feel like a spectator once again. As I mentioned in a couple of previous posts, we’ve been married 52 years, and it took maybe 35 for me to figure out the basics re what excites a woman. I’m such a dumb klutz. I married a former cheerleader, an expert roller skater, a beautiful girl–I got a dream wife. But if we weren’t both Christians, dedicated to following the Lord, I’m sure we would not have made it. Why oh why don’t women TELL their hubs what they like? ? My mother, both grandmothers, and my wife’s mother always hurried around the kitchen waiting on the men, so I just assumed that’s the way it’s ‘sposed to be. God had to let my Dot break her ankle for me to learn to wait on her. Opening the car door, or carrying in the groceries and out the garbage was about all the chivalry I could manage, until then.
“Darling, shall I get us a drink?” Is so much sexier than, “hey, get me a beer!”
I don’t drink beer, but that line is a classic, and I think I’ll print it out on vellum paper and frame it–hang it over my desk. At 76, I don’t have many years to learn these things.
May I say I have learned a FEW things, from guys like Gary Chapman and his “Love Languages” books. And from a couple of books on the Song of Solomon. So I really appreciate it, J, that you dared quote the S of S in your post. What I learned about the S of S in Bible College is nonsense that seems to have begun with a monk named Augustine, who left his wife because he feared sex and joined a monastery.
As a new wife (2 1/2 years in) whose hubby asks her ALL THE TIME what she wants, MAYBE I’m in the minority but I don’t even know what I want! I was a virgin when we married and so was he which was great but I felt like he somehow knew all these things he wanted to try and do and whenever he asked me I came up empty. I feel completely at a loss for what I can imagine would feel good or that I want. I have begun to learn things now but it took him trying something for me to know hey I liked that or no that wasn’t as nice. I know he wants to know what I want but I just don’t know sometimes still what I want!
Then make it vague! “Just touch me, and let’s try some things. I’ll let you know what feels good.”
This is a reply to Alchemist,
First, when I am wrong, I try to admit it. I was writing from memory. Church historians are divided over whether Augustine married the Christian woman before she died, then left her. Or never married her. I did I quick search, and I came up with some answers from Cliff’s notes:
Augustine did not marry the Christian woman. He did attempt to join a monastery, but he became a pastor instead, and later Bishop of Hippo.
Quote from Cliff’s Notes: “Augustine identified the beginning of sexual desire with the beginning of human disobedience.”
He was also a Neo-Platonist. This is Gnosticism, the belief that spirit is good and flesh is evil. It is not found in the Bible.
As for my mention of the Song of Solomon, Augustine was among the first to teach that the Song is only an allegory of Christ and His Church. Of course an allegory is an extended metaphor, and no metaphor has meaning unless the idea that it’s based on is factual. For example, John the baptizer said that Jesus was the “Lamb of God.” But this statement would be nonsense if there were no such a thing as a lamb. So, unless the Song was written to teach intimate behavior to young marrieds, then its status as an allegory/metaphor is nonsense.
I don’t wish to pursue this further.
Augustine was never married. He was living in sin with a woman for 15 years. He sent her away because his family wanted him to marry this other girl from a good family who could help him become a senator. He then lived with another woman (not his wife). He didn’t fear sex, he feared sexual sin (primarily his own). He wanted to join a monastery after he converted in his 30’s, but I don’t know if he did. He and his friends wanted to join a monastery because they realized their lives were being spent in vain pursuits and fruitless ambition. They wanted a life of Godly contemplation instead. He later became a bishop. I haven’t read City of God yet, so I’ve not read his explicitly stated views on marriage and sex.
THIS NEEDS TO BE ON A BILLBOARD EVERYWHERE. That is all.
I just read this to my husband while he was driving. He just started driving faster…lol
I must be in the minority. Hubby’s love language seems to be words but mine is physical touch. When we are making love I don’t want to talk. I just want to feel and do, no words. Hubby enjoys talking and maybe would like me to also? And afterward he wants to talk about it and I just want to snuggle and doze. Soooo yes I know what I need to work on but it’s challenging for me especially in the midst because I feel like if I divert some of my mental energies to talking about it that I will feel less of it, and when I’m in the wrong part of my cycle or when I’m pregnant I don’t feel I have any I can spare on the talking or I won’t ever be able to climax. I don’t mind if he talks to me but I have a hard time talking myself. Funny how different God made all of us. 🙂
Yep, it’s always important to consider your own spouse’s bent and perspective! Thanks for sharing.
J, this is so great. I’ve been trying to explain this to my husband and struggling to articulate it well, but you hit the nail on the head.
Do you have any recommendations for blogs that are written more exclusively for husbands? I love your blog and have gotten so many ideas and so much encouragement from it, but I feel like most of your posts are geared towards wives and what we can do. I’d love be to be able to direct my husband somewhere that would help him as well.
Generous Husband is good. And there are some others, but I need to think about recommendations…
Book-wise, I really liked Crazy Good Sex: Putting to Bed the Myths Men Have about Sex by Les Parrott and Sheet Music by Kevin Leman.
I wish there was a post on Speaking Seductively to Your husband. He does say pretty things all the time. And i try to keep up. But we are different in bed. He likes to express verbaly and i am quiet . I feel i make him unconfortable. But i don’t know…it doesn’t come naturally…not even moaning or making sounds of pleasure. Maybe he thinks i don’t enjoy it
Hmmm. Good idea.
my wife and I are totally like you and your husband. I like to tell her how much I enjoy her and our intimacy. she will say nothing, really not make a sound until the big O. I can tell you from a man’s perspective that works on our self esteem. we want to know our spouse desires us, enjoys our touch, if not we feel they are intimate with us out of duty. kind of hurts me really. I think my wife feels like being verbal makes her slutty or something, her comments to me are you know I was raised Catholic. try being out of your comfort zone, you might enjoy it. blessings to you and your hubby
Wow. Like the lady above, my primary love language is touch. But I have a love of language and the spoken word. I think I would melt into a puddle if my husband spoke to me like that. *swoon*
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